Tempting Fate (25 page)

Josephine has become a good friend, but she doesn’t have the ability to look at Gabby’s life and problem-solve without getting caught up in the drama, in the way Claire was always able to. There was no one Gabby wanted more, during this past year, than Claire, and she is amazed that, without doing anything at all, her anger towards her seems to have dissipated, then disappeared.

Perhaps it was made easier by the fact that Claire never asked anything of her. She didn’t ask how Gabby was. Didn’t ask about Henry, or how she was getting on, or how the girls were doing through this separation. She said Henry must be getting big, and she saw the girls in school the other day and Alanna’s getting so grown up, but she was careful not to ask anything leading, anything that demanded a response.

Until now. When she’s asking if they can get together. With the babies. To chat.

Gabby is first to show up at the Westport Library. She has dressed carefully, anxious to feel in control, confident enough to handle whatever conversation they have, whatever direction it might take. She knows
Claire, or at least she
did
. She is certain Claire wants to meet to apologize, and while she is grateful Claire has reached out, she isn’t sure how she feels about their future, their friendship; whether indeed their friendship
has
a future.

Henry, in his buggy, looks adorable in tiny jeans and a cabled sweater bought on sale at Gap for ten dollars. He looks like a tiny blond banker. Matt regularly sends gifts, toys, or clothes picked out by his girlfriend, Monroe. The outfits are invariably ridiculously cool – tiny leather aviator jackets, exquisite Italian shoes, when he isn’t even walking yet, Tshirts with hilarious logos that everyone comments on when he wears them in public.

Gabby’s tastes run a little differently. She had no idea how she felt about boys’ clothes, never having had to shop for one before. It is not nearly as much fun as shopping for the girls, and she feels guilty that many a time, when she has gone to a store for clothes for Henry, she has left with a bag full of delicious things for Alanna – she just got pulled in by the pink and couldn’t get away – or for Olivia.

Claire is likely to have dressed her baby girl in something European and expensive. Her taste was always classic, from the best stores in New York. Gabby can’t afford anything like that, but she has been able to put together something that may not be Ralph Lauren but is certainly Ralph Lauren-esque for a fraction of the price. She even swept Henry’s hair to one side with just a touch of gel. He looks ridiculously handsome, and, as
nervous as she is to see Claire, she is also proud to show off her beautiful boy.

The library has changed since she was last here, back when Alanna was still a toddler. Years and years ago she and Elliott regularly brought Olivia here for Mother Goose rhymes, sitting cross-legged on the floor with other couples, all of them still in their post-birth haze, while Miss Annie delighted the children with her renditions of ‘Alligator Pie’. The parents eagerly looked around hoping to make friends just like themselves, for all of them were new to town, most having moved from New York when their children were born.

This was where she and Elliott met so many of the people who were their earliest friends here. But then different pre-schools, different grade schools, meant their lives drifted apart. The only friends that remain from that period in their lives are Claire and Tim.

Gabby’s hurt and anger at being abandoned by her best friend during her pregnancy, and the subsequent craziness of looking after a newborn baby as a single mother, at her age, prevented her from thinking much about Claire and Tim and all that they had shared together over so many years. Until now, when even pulling into the car park of the library, a place that holds so many happy memories from so many years ago, is bittersweet.

There is a café in the library now, with a few people dotted around chatting, looking at laptops, reading. Gabby orders a skim cappuccino for herself, and goes
to find a chair where she can sit facing the door, nervous, suddenly, at seeing a friend she hasn’t seen for so long.

Until Claire enters, and a lump appears in Gabby’s throat. It’s Claire. Only Claire. So familiar, tears spring to her eyes. Claire stops when she sees Gabby, then Gabby sees there are tears in her eyes too, and the two of them envelop each other in a tight hug, unable to stop smiling even as they are wiping the tears from their cheeks.

‘God, I’ve missed you,’ Claire says. ‘I’m desperate to see the baby. Let me see Henry.’ She coos over Henry, how handsome he is, how different to the girls, remembering everything about Olivia and Alanna when they were tiny, as Gabby coos, in turn, over Isabella.

They swap babies, each bouncing and kissing the other’s child, both delighted at the other’s good fortune in producing such an adorable child, before putting the babies back in their buggies and settling in to catch up.

‘You look amazing,’ Claire says. ‘How on earth did you get your figure back so quickly?’

‘Are you joking?’ Gabby says, looking down at her belly in horror. ‘Look!’ She grabs a handful to prove her point. ‘I’m huge. This stomach’s staying for ever. My bikini days are so long gone it’s not even funny.’

‘Look at mine!’ Claire shows off her tiny pot belly. ‘I don’t even care any more. I haven’t thought about Zumba in a year. I haven’t thought about much other than this little munchkin. I’m totally obsessed. I think
it’s because I’m so much older now, and I just can’t believe that at my age I was able to produce such a perfect little thing.’

Gabby grins. ‘So, are you done now?’

‘So done, you have no idea. I could never go through the IVF again. But we’re complete. This is what I always wanted. How about you?’

‘Done,’ she says.

Claire peers at her. ‘And are you as happy as you look?’

‘I think I am. It’s taken a while, but I feel very … peaceful. Content. I did always want another baby, but with Elliott of course, and even though that isn’t how it happened, this little boy has just … completed my heart. I feel complete.’

Claire smiles then takes a deep breath. ‘Listen. We need to talk about what happened between us. I’ve missed you so much, and I want you to know how sorry I am about how I screwed up.’

Gabby says nothing, just listens.

‘I felt utterly torn. I love you and I love Elliott, and I had no idea what to do. I felt, at the time, that because Elliott came to us, because he was living in our house, I had to choose him, and I know, now, how massive a mistake that was. Not choosing Elliott, but making any choice at all. I was so freaked out and hormonal about being put in the middle, that I took the easiest option and cut you off, because I couldn’t cut Elliott off, given he was two rooms down the hall. And I have hated
myself for months because of it. It was a disgusting thing to do, and I didn’t even know that you’d agree to meet me today. I thought you probably would, but I know we can’t just jump into our old friendship because of how I let you down. I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry, Gabby. I would do anything to turn the clock back and change my behaviour, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you how ashamed I am, and how sorry, and hope you can find a way to forgive me.’

Gabby nods, looking her friend in the eye, knowing everything she is saying is genuine, heartfelt. Gabby has always known that, as wise as Claire is and how great she is at helping other people sort out their lives, when it comes to her own she is never as clear and she often gets it wrong. But despite knowing that, at the time Claire made the decision that affected them both so disastrously, she was unable to stop herself judging her and hating her for her betrayal.

‘It was a shitty thing to do,’ Gabby echoes quietly. ‘I’m the first to admit I fucked up. I was unfaithful to Elliott, one time, and I ended up with … well, I can’t call Henry a mistake, because he may be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I ended up destroying my life as a result. I was terrified, and devastated, and my best friend turning her back was one of the cruellest blows of all. I was pregnant, and a single mother, with Olivia hating me, and no one to turn to for help. Claire, I still love you, and it’s amazing to see you, but
I honestly don’t know how I can get over this. I want to. I’d love nothing more than for the two of us to get back to the friendship we had, but I don’t know how to do that, because you aren’t the person I thought you were. It isn’t about forgiveness – I forgive you. It’s that you’re not the person I thought you were,’ she repeats. ‘There’s a quote I once read, something about people showing you who they are not by what they say, but by what they do.’ She pauses, for tears of shame are now streaming down Claire’s face. ‘I’m sorry. My intention is not to upset you. But if there’s any chance at all of us having some kind of a friendship again, I have to say these things. I have to tell you what it was like for me. I have to be honest about how I feel.’

Claire nods.

‘I don’t know that I can go back to how we were, and I don’t know how to go forward with you. Maybe it will get better over time, but I think, right now, I probably need to go.’

Gabby didn’t expect to feel this. She thought that she would be able to move on, to listen to whatever Claire had to say, and to know that whatever happened was in the past; but she finds she has changed over the months they have not spoken, and has reprioritized the important people in her life.

People show themselves not by what they say but by what they do
.

Claire said all the right things, is saying all the right
things now, but she abandoned Gabby in her hour of greatest need, and whatever the excuse, however sorry she is now, Gabby cannot feel the same way about her.

‘Wait,’ Claire says, wiping her tears away. ‘I get it. You’re right, and there’s nothing I can say other than you’re right, and I hope things will change over time. I really do. But there’s something else. We have to talk about Elliott.’

Gabby frowns. ‘What about Elliott?’

‘Do you know he split up with Trish?’

‘He did?’ Gabby ignores the small thrill that runs through her body. ‘I didn’t know that. Was he not perfect enough for her?’

‘I think she was a little too perfect for him. And he realized he’s still in love with you.’

Gabby’s heart stops still as she stares at Claire. ‘What did you just say?’

‘He’s still in love with you.’

Gabby shakes her head. ‘Claire, if you’re trying to heal the rift between Elliott and me, this isn’t the way to do it. We’ve both moved on, and as lovely as it would be to think there’s still something there between us, there just isn’t. And even if there is, too much has happened.’ Her mind is whirling. ‘Quite apart from the fact that the last thing Elliott wants at this stage of his life is a baby. I know you think you’re trying to help, but you’re not. It’s just not feasible, even if it –’

‘Gabby, stop,’ Claire says urgently. ‘It is true. Elliott knows I’m here. He knows I’m telling you this, and I’m
telling you because he can’t do it himself. You’re right, he didn’t want a baby, and he didn’t think he could ever forgive you. Up until a week ago he wanted to pretend that Henry didn’t even exist, and then something happened the other day … you know what I’m talking about, don’t you?’

The lump is back as Gabby nods, remembering how tenderly Elliott held Henry, how his eyes softened, filled with incredulous wonder at this perfect little boy. Years ago, before the girls came along, Elliott always said he wanted at least one little boy.

‘He hadn’t thought any of you could ever find a way back because the baby would be a permanent reminder of what happened to destroy your marriage, but something changed the other day, and he said that seeing you, seeing the girls with Henry, holding Henry, made him realize that you are a family, whether Henry has his blood or not. You’re his family, Gabby. Henry too. Don’t let this fall through your fingers because you don’t believe me, or because you have too much pride, or because you’re dating someone else – who may be cute, but he will never be a patch on Elliott, I promise you. Give him a chance, Gabby,’ she whispers, laying her hand on top of Gabby’s as Gabby starts to cry. ‘Go to him and hear what he has to say. Leave the babies with me, and go now.’

Gabby can’t make sense of what Claire has said. If Elliott does feel that, why doesn’t he come to her himself?
Why use Claire, who Gabby hasn’t been in touch with for so long, as the messenger?

And is this his rebound? After things didn’t work out with Trish is he just thinking about her again because she is familiar, the easy option?

But she saw the look in his eyes the other day. She saw that he was over the pain of the betrayal, wasn’t so consumed with hurt that he couldn’t look at the baby, could barely look at Gabby.

In his eyes she saw, she realizes suddenly, something that looked suspiciously like love.

But it’s been so long. So much has happened. And Julian. What about Julian? Julian is so familiar, and so much fun, and so handsome, and so … not her husband.

He is not her husband.

He has not known her for twenty years. He has not seen her at her worst, screaming in frustration over some little inconsequential thing, has not seen her red-faced and sweating in labour, has not seen her being selfish, or thoughtless, or unreasonable. He is not someone who has seen all that but loves her anyway, because he chose her, and he will always honour his commitment to that choice.

I didn’t sleep with him, she thinks with relief. I could have, so easily, and yet it was also so easy not to. Julian is a welcome distraction but, if she is honest with herself, she knows there is little chemistry between them. He would make a wonderful best friend. Maybe he will
become a wonderful best friend, but romance is truly not what she is looking for.

Not with Julian.

Elliott is her husband.

He’s still in love with her.

And she is still in love with him.

Gabby pulls up outside the medical offices and takes a deep breath. She isn’t sure what to say, how to say it; she isn’t sure Elliott’s office is the best venue in which to repair what she hopes is still reparable, but she can’t wait any longer. She’s waited long enough.