Tempting Sydney (26 page)

I stood, moved closer, and then straddled him, rubbing myself against his hard length. Back and forth. Back and forth. “What do you want, Jax?” I asked, my voice breathy.

His eyes were latched to my breasts, watching me as I moved. “What I’ve wanted since the first day I saw you. To make you mine.” He reached behind him and grabbed a condom. He’d come prepared. He sheathed himself quickly, and then lifted me up, positioning himself at my entrance. In one quick movement, I came down on him, hard. He groaned so loudly, I thought he’d probably woken up the rest of the hotel. And I didn’t care. I moved—slowly at first, teasing, just like he’d teased me. He drew circles around my nipples with his tongue until they were taut, then took them in his mouth, laving them gently at first, and then adding a little bite. The combination of pleasure and pain overcame me. I couldn’t go slow. I wanted to feel him again, to know I’d given him that pleasure. My pace quickened as we moved together, a perfect fit in every way. Our eyes met as I reached my peak, and Jax quickly followed. I fell against him, my breath ragged. “If we’re going to keep this up, I’m probably going to need a personal trainer.”

Jax’s lips lifted. “I’d be happy to help.”

I had no doubt about that.

We got out of the Jacuzzi and cleaned up, then got back in bed. He wrapped his arms around me and I snuggled into his nook, my head on his chest again. After a few minutes, his breaths lulled into the slow and steady rhythm of sleep. I lay awake for a long time, analyzing everything that had happened, and especially the conversation we’d had in the Jacuzzi. I couldn’t stop thinking about his somber reaction when I’d asked about his beads. I knew there was more to the meaning than an improved ego. He’d chosen them for a reason, and the reason was something he still wasn’t comfortable sharing. I wondered if he ever would be.

We slept in and ordered room service. Jax even served it to me in bed, naked. We quickly forgot about the food. When we finally got around to eating, the meals were still surprisingly warm thanks to the plate covers.

We checked out of the hotel around noon. On the way out of town we stopped for gas, so I went into the store to grab some snacks and drinks for the drive. They had coffee with an entire bar of flavors and creamers to choose from. I smiled, making myself the perfect cup of dark chocolate coffee, and Jax a toffee coffee mix. I was at the counter paying for everything when I heard yelling outside the store and turned to look out the window. The person yelling was Jax. He was standing in front of a guy almost as tall as him with light blonde hair. Jax was working his jaw and looked like he was struggling to stay calm. I finished paying quickly, my eyes still on Jax as the clerk handed me the bag and I raced out the door.

I cautiously made my way toward them. I could hear their conversation, though. Everyone could. Other people had stopped to watch the altercation.

“Look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, that’s all,” the blonde guy said.

I could see the veins pulsing at Jax’s neck. “How dare you even talk to me?”

The guy held up his hands. “I know. But when I saw you here, I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t let you leave without telling you that I think about it every single day. I’ll never forget, and I’ll always feel bad for what happened.”

Jax was breathing harder now, his chest rising and falling fast. “Feel bad. You’ll
feel bad,”
Jax said through his teeth. “That’s nice to know. I’ll make sure to tell Ryan.” Jax moved toward the guy, his fists curling.

My eyes were wide with shock. I didn’t know what was going on, but I couldn’t let Jax hit the guy, especially when the stranger seemed truly sorry for whatever had happened. Jax started to lift his arm when I called out to him, “Jax!”

My voice pulled him out of his anger enough to stop him from following through on the hit. From the murderous look in his eyes as he glanced toward me, he probably would have done more than just punch the guy, and he’d have spent the day in the county jail on assault charges. Jax slowly lowered his hand and took a few steps back. He directed his attention at the guy again. “Don’t speak to me ever again, Wilson. Ever.”

Jax got in the truck and I hurried to the passenger seat. I wasn’t sure he should even be driving as worked up as he was. He leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. Then he took several calming breaths.

When it seemed like he’d calmed down a little, I reached over, lightly putting my hand on his leg. “Jax, are you okay?”

He took another deep breath, opening his eyes. “Yeah,” he said. He buckled his seat belt, and twisted the key in the ignition. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just as soon as I get the hell out of Arizona. I never should have come back here.”

We drove in silence. Jax was clearly working through something, and I had no idea how to help him. He didn’t seem like he wanted any help, either. But, after an hour, the things left unsaid and unexplained hung in the air like thick soup. I couldn’t stay quiet any longer, and it was clear Jax wasn’t going to be the one to start the conversation about why he’d almost beaten some guy at a gas pump. “Jax, what happened back there? Why were you so angry?”

Jax pursed his lips and stared at the road, like I wasn’t even there. He didn’t answer for a long time. When he finally did, his answer let me know exactly where I stood in his life. “What happened doesn’t concern you. It’s none of your business.”

My mouth fell open. Considering how far we’d come, I couldn’t have been more shocked. This was not the Jax I’d spent the last three days with. Hell, this wasn’t even the Jax I’d spent the last few months with. This Jax was even more closed off than when I’d first met him. All vulnerability, all romance, all emotions that he’d had toward me seemed to be gone completely. Maybe he was just mad, but it was like he’d flipped a switch and turned his feelings off. And I was pissed. “None of my business? You looked like you wanted to kill the guy! What the hell do you mean it didn’t concern me? I care about you. That makes it my business!”

He shook his head. “Not this time.”

I was getting madder by the second. “Are you kidding me?” I yelled. “You constantly analyze me and tell me I need to step out of my comfort zone. And when I don’t want to do it, you force me. And you know what? I love you even more for it.” I was so upset, I didn’t even realize I’d just told him I loved him for the first time. “Your influence on me has made me a better person. But when I try to do the same thing for you, you shut me down and refuse to even think about changing. How is that fair?”

“Life isn’t fair, sweetheart. You’re delusional if you think it is.”

“You’re missing the point,” I ground out. “You could be a better person, too. We could be better together. We’re good for each other Jax, but you have to talk to me. You have to let me in.”

“We’re not doing this.”

I blinked, pissed as hell that he’d just tried to shut me down—again. “Not doing what?” I hissed. “Not talking, not getting to know each other on a
real
level? Because if that’s what you’re talking about, you’re right—we’re not doing it.”

A muscle near his temple pulsed. “I’ve given you as much as I can.”

I stared at him, speechless. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After all the steps forward we’d taken, after we’d started to really build something together and had a decent foundation, he was willing to throw it all away because he wasn’t ready—or willing—to communicate. I couldn’t live like this. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was always holding back. Relationships scared the crap out of me, but I was at least willing to try and to change. To do the things that terrified me so that we could come to a compromise and make things work together. But I couldn’t do it if I was doing it alone. “I need to know if this is just a phase you’re going through. Because I thought we’d taken a lot of steps forward. I felt like you were opening up to me more and more. Was this just a setback and you’ll stop being an asshole once you calm down?”

He didn’t even hesitate as he answered, “No. And no.”

I glared at him, stunned and hurt at how quickly he’d shut me out. I wasn’t going to be in a one-sided relationship. If he wasn’t willing to work through the rough parts, there was no point to continuing this. “Communication is the most important part of a relationship. If you won’t open up to me, I can’t be with you anymore.”

Jax’s lips pulled tight. “I don’t do ultimatums.”

I shook my head. “It’s not an ultimatum. I just need to know where we stand, and where we’re headed. If you can’t let me in, the answer to that is nowhere.”

His grip on the steering wheel tightened. He was silent for several agonizing minutes. I sat in the passenger seat, rubbing one hand over the other in a soothing gesture as I waited for his response. My gut feeling told me it wasn’t going to be good. He pulled into a parking space at a rest stop and turned to me, meeting my gaze. I could practically see the fire burn out. Somewhere between the romantic weekend alone together and the almost MMA tryout, he’d decided whatever this was between us, it wasn’t worth fighting for. My heart started to race. I knew what was coming. “My life isn’t as planned out as yours. The only thing I can offer you is right now. I can’t—I won’t—make any promises. That includes opening up like you want me to. If you can’t live with that, then I think you’re probably right. We’re not going to work.”

He got out of the truck and didn’t look back.

Nothing is worse than ending a relationship—badly—and still having to spend six hours in an enclosed space together. I turned away from Jax, my knees pointed at the door and my head tilted against the back rest, looking out the window. I pulled out my phone and earbuds, and listened to music and audiobooks to try to take my mind off of the weekend catastrophe.

The rest of the ride back was completely quiet—and agonizing. We didn’t say a word to each other. Sitting next to the man I wanted more than anything—the man I’d fallen in love with, but who clearly didn’t love me—made it the longest six hours of my life. I cycled through every emotion I had. Crying silently in the truck of the boyfriend who’d just dumped you is a pretty low place to be. However, it gave me a lot of time to think, and I came to some conclusions in my solitude. It was during those six hours of reflection that I realized I’d wanted him more than anything in the world. I would have given him my whole self, regardless of what he’d asked—but he didn’t feel the same way about me. He’d basically told me I wasn’t important enough to change for. That hurting me was easier than dealing with his demons—demons he certainly wouldn’t let me help him fight.

My heart broke.

And more tears slid down my cheeks.

The shoulder of my shirt was soaked with salty tears by the time Jax pulled into my driveway. I got out of his truck, grabbing my bag, and then went to the back to get my suitcase.

“Here,” he said, taking it from me.

I couldn’t handle him trying to be nice. Not after how he’d acted, and the way we’d ended things. Even if he’d calmed down and felt bad about it now, it still wasn’t okay. I was hurt. Deeply. And I needed some time away from him. “I’ve got it.”

“Syd—“

I lifted watery eyes to look at him, daring him to apologize. To own up to the royal ass he’d been, and say he was wrong and wanted to start over. He stopped in front of me, taking my face in his hands. My stomach clenched at the contact, at the feeling of his touch that I’d only recently become accustomed to, and would no longer have. He leaned down, and his mouth crushed against mine in a bruising kiss.

I kissed him back, putting all my anger into the movement. All of the emotions I’d felt for the past six hours came rushing back to me in a tsunami of pain. I punched at his shoulder as he deepened the kiss, my feelings warring inside me. I wanted this, and wanted him, but the memory of him telling me our relationship was over was too fresh. It clouded everything. I didn’t think I could put myself out there for him to destroy again. I needed time to put myself back together. I needed to think—and the kiss wasn’t helping. As I pulled away, angry tears trailed down my cheeks. I stumbled back to get away from him, from everything we were and might have been. I turned, looking at him one last time over my shoulder; his expression was completely deflated. I ran into the house, as fast as I could. There was a canyon between us, and I didn’t think either of us had the tools to build a bridge.