Ten Times Guilty (29 page)

She wanted to tell Reese. She wanted nothing more than to shout, yes! It was Karr! Get him!

But she couldn’t. She wasn’t strong enough. She wondered if she would ever be.

She glanced around the park, at the children running, their squeals of laugher making her smile. The grass looked soft and inviting, so she slipped out of her shoes and ran her toes through the spongy grass, enjoying the cool, springy softness next to her bare skin.

She reflected on her talk with Suzy. Things had come to mind she hadn’t consciously thought of in years.

Why had she been so afraid of Jim? Like she told Suzy, he never hit her. So what was it that had made him so frightening?

She couldn’t think of anything tangible. If only Suzy were there to help her along. If she were, what would she say?

Okay, Suzy would say, how do you feel? Never mind what you think, stick to how you feel. Tracy smiled. Suzy would get to the heart of the matter.

Big white clouds were slowly making their way to the east. One of them looked like a big fat genie. She could see the shape of the head, the nose, and the big belly as it came down to form a point as if emerging from a bottle. She watched it drift by, the nose slowly dissolving, the entire shape melting into nothingness.

Just like the genie, she had disappeared when Jim was around. Everything that was her own, her thoughts, her feelings, dissolved into nothing. She became a shell, playing a role, doing whatever was required to survive until she could escape.

By then, it was too late. She had retreated into nothingness.

But was it true that she was nothing? For some reason, Jim wanted her to believe it, and constantly reminded her that she was never quite good enough.

Suzy said a stronger Tracy still existed underneath. Could she believe it?

Jim tried to take something away from her—belief in herself, just like Karr took something. But did that have to mean it was gone forever?

Maybe that’s what Suzy had been trying to tell her. If she continued to believe Jim’s words, he would always have control.

And if she kept running from Karr, he would also have control over her. And Ritchie. Did she want to live the rest of her life letting two men she despised have that kind of power? If she believed what Suzy had said, then she had power within herself.

Tracy marveled at the thought. She had power within herself. Cleansing tears rolled unchecked down her cheeks as she thought about it.

The sound of boys laughing caught her attention. The same team from yesterday was entering the fenced ball field and they carried their own equipment. Then the little boy walked slowly toward the fenced area. He got as close as he could without actually going on the field. Although his face clearly showed longing as he watched the other boys, he stayed away from them. She wondered if he would ever stand up to those bullies.

Wasn’t that what she was doing? Wasn’t she running from a bully, kept from her goals because of fear? The little boy showed strength by coming to the park while the other boys were there, but he was staying away from confrontation by staying off to the side.

Tracy’s mother shied away from confrontation and they both had been hurt by the lack of action. She should have thrown Jim out right at the beginning. Did Tracy want to live the kind of life her mother had lived?

And let Ritchie live that life?

When she was a child, she’d had no choice. But now she had to realize she could refuse to stay a victim. She was an adult, with failings, of course, but capable of living on her own and making her own decisions, right or wrong.

Suzy was right. She did have strength and it was time to stand up and take control of her life.

God, she loved the sound of that. Take control of her own life.

She would stay at the safe house a couple more days until she got her strength back, then go home, go back to work, save as much overtime as she could and get into school.

She was afraid, yes, but there were things she could do to help protect herself. Greg and Diana had offered to help her get a car so she wouldn’t have to walk home after work. She would take them up on their offer. She would take as many precautions as she could, but the main thing was to get on with her life.

She’d be damned if she’d continue to let someone else control her and her son’s life any longer.

***

Back at the house, she walked into the dining room and put Ritchie down on the floor to play. She picked up the phone, dialed, and asked for Sergeant Sanders. The efficient voice informed her that he was unavailable.

“Please tell him Tracy Michaels called with this message: 

‘
Get him
. ’ ”

***

When Reese picked up his messages at the precinct, he read Tracy’s note and let out a war whoop that would have pleased his Apache grandfather.

“What the hell,” Haggerty said with a laugh, “you finally get laid?”

“Not yet, my friend, but this ranks right up there.” Reese picked up the phone. He needed a judge to issue the bench warrant waiting in his desk, needed to put out an APB, and a million other things. And he wanted them in the next five minutes.

“Grab Junior,” he told Haggerty, jerking his head toward Parrish, whose ears flushed pink, “and let’s move. We’re going to skin a wolf.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

At the park that afternoon, Tracy made plans while Ritchie sat in the grass at her feet. He loved to watch other kids play and was fascinated by the ducks and geese swimming in the pond. She pointed to the ducks flying overhead and had him watch as they circled over the water and landed, each making a small splash before joining the others.

“See the girl and boy ducks swimming together?” He kept his eyes on them as she talked. “The boy is the pretty one with all the bright colors. That’s so he can get the girl duck to look at him and want to live with him. And see,” she pointed to two ducks swimming away, “they always stay together. That way, they become mommy and daddy ducks and have babies, just like people.”

Ritchie laughed and waved his arms. Even though Tracy knew he was too young to understand what she was saying, she believed in talking to her son as if he could. You never really knew how much they remembered as they grew up.

Some of the ducks flew away and others landed, flapping their wings and sending sprays of water into the air. Tracy wondered if they were the show-offs of the feathered species. Shading her eyes with her hand, she scanned the sky, looking for others ready to land.

A man, just beyond the playground, drew her eye. He wore slacks and a dark shirt. Arms folded, he was leaning against a cottonwood, watching them.

Something about him... Her heart began to pound and she couldn’t catch her breath. No. It couldn’t be. She didn’t realize she was rising to her feet. 

It was Karr. Even without the uniform she’d know him anywhere.

The blood drained from her face. She grabbed Ritchie and held him close. Every instinct shouted for her to run.

Karr grinned and touched his forehead in a little salute.

Desperately, she looked around for some way of protecting herself and Ritchie. But it was just a neighborhood park. Most of the visitors were women with children at this time of day.

She had to calm down and think. Surely he wouldn’t try anything out in public. She ran to the telephone, risking a quick glance at Karr.

So far, he hadn’t budged from his spot near the tree.

She held Ritchie in one arm, his weight pulling as she dug in her pocket for the quarters. With trembling fingers, she punched the number of the safe house.

The connection seemed to take forever to go through. Karr was still leaning against the tree.

Ring, dammit, ring. She glanced at Karr again. He seemed very relaxed, as if he had all the time in the world, as if he wasn’t even concerned she might be calling the police.

Finally, the phone was ringing. Come on, answer, someone please answer!

“Hello?”

“Amy! Help me, he’s here!”

“Tracy? You at the park?”

“Yes!” Ritchie looked up at her, his face crinkling up ready to cry. Tracy tried to calm her voice. “Yes, we’re here.” She heard a muffled sound, then Amy yelled at Gail to get the car.

“Stay right by the phone,” she told Tracy. “We’ll be there in five minutes or less.”

When she hung up, Tracy hesitated, reluctant to let go of the receiver, her only connection with safety. She turned to look for Karr.

He wasn’t there!

Holding tight to Ritchie, she spun around, scanning the park, but she didn’t see him. Had he left the park while she was on the phone, or was he moving closer to her?

With a screech of brakes, Amy’s old beige Pontiac slammed to a stop in front of Tracy. All four doors opened and women piled out of the car, rushing to her.

“Where is he?” Gail asked, eyes frantically searching. “What does he look like?”

“Are you all right?” Amy stood directly in front of Tracy, but Tracy could barely hear above the roaring in her ears. Her legs shook and her knees almost buckled.

Gail, motioning to Karen and Joyce to help, offered arms to support her. Amy took Ritchie, and gently talking to him, carried him to the car. Karen helped get Tracy settled in the back seat and they took off.

After a few moments with the wind blowing on her face, Tracy felt stronger.

“Thanks, guys,” she said, gazing out the window. “It was him.”

“You’d better call the police,” Amy told her.

Tracy stared out the window, but she didn’t see anything but Karr.

“It won’t do any good,” she said, staring out the window. She saw nothing but Karr. “He found me. Even with the precautions we all took, he still found me. He said he would, he said he had connections. Ritchie and I will never be safe.”

***

Tracy rolled back and forth on her sweat-soaked cot at three in the morning. She kept seeing Karr, leaning against the cottonwood tree in the park, arms lazily folded as he watched her. The scene repeated over and over, like an old, warped video. He’d even flipped a cocky little salute as she shot to her feet in terror, mocking her, letting her know she couldn’t escape from him, so sure of himself, of his power over her while she grabbed Ritchie and ran.

Bastard, she thought, growing angry. She grew so outraged she no longer felt afraid. And she was going to draw on that anger.

It was time to stop running.

Even with all the precautions of the shelter, he still found her. She and Ritchie would never be safe.

There was only one thing to do. She’d get a gun from Holly and meet Karr in the park.

This time, the odds would be in her favor.

***

The next morning, Tracy fed Ritchie breakfast and kept watch on the street.

Was Karr out there?

Of course he was, just out of sight, delighting in her terror.

When Ritchie banged his spoon on the highchair, Tracy jerked and spilled a full cup of coffee on the table. It dripped to the floor. Close to tears, Tracy wiped the table, and then began to clean the floor.

“Good God, it’s not that dirty.” Amy, followed by several other women, entered the kitchen and circled around Tracy.

“I spilled coffee.” Tracy got to her feet and glanced at the clock over the sink. Almost noon. Would Holly stop by today? Could she really get anything? Even a gun?

Wendy and Gail made sandwiches for lunch. Tracy put Ritchie in the playpen with Wendy’s children, then returned to the window to stand guard.

“Honey, he’s long gone by now.” Amy stirred soup. “He wouldn’t risk hanging around here, not after you saw him. He’ll figure you called the police.”

Gail frowned. “I don’t understand why you didn’t.”

“I did, finally, and what good did it do?” Tracy’s voice was flat. “No. He’ll just disappear like before. Then, no matter where I go or how long it takes, one day I’ll look up and there he’ll be, watching me, watching Ritchie. No,” she shook her head, “I have to do this my own way.”

“What are you going to do?” Wendy asked.

“I don’t know,” Tracy lied, “but I’ll figure out something.”

Come on, Holly, stop by the house. Wherever you are, please, come to the safe house. I need you.

An eternity later, just as Tracy was wiping the children’s hands for lunch, Holly breezed through the back door.

“Hi, guys.”

Tracy was so glad to see her that she had to restrain from rushing to give her a hug.

“Need any help?” Holly asked.

“How about setting the table,” Amy suggested.

“Okay.” Holly washed her hands at the sink, gathered plates, bowls, utensils, napkins, and, arms loaded, backed through the butterfly into the dining room. Tracy followed her.