Tender Graces (37 page)

I sucked in my breath.

“Oh, child, I’m sorry!” She put her hand across the table and patted mine. “There I go rambling like a fool. Maybe your uncle Jonah is right, I got a big fat mouth.”

“I wanted to know, Aunt Billie.”

“Well, I’m glad you got that Rebekha. A woman who raises another woman’s children with a goodly heart is special. Especially if she treats them like her own. She treats you all good, don’t she?” Aunt Billie raised up both eyebrows. “Cause if she’s one of those mean ones, I’ll have something to say.” She took her hand away and pushed back a curl that kept falling across her forehead.

I felt proud, like Rebekha was standing there, tall. “She’s good to all of us.”

“Well, I had to ask. Did I tell you I have a big fat running off mouth?” She smiled at me and her eyes were all twinkly.

We sat quiet then. I heard Andy bumping around in his room. I had a sudden sly thought. “Aunt Billie? I got to ask for something.”

“Sure. You need anything, I’m here.”

“Can I have a bit of Aunt Ruby’s ashes? I don’t think Andy and me can go to the service. It’ll be hard.”

“I don’t see why you can’t have a bit. And, you two don’t got to go. Not after all you been through, poor children.” She stood up. “I need a nap. Take one yourself if you care to, or you can go look at our horses.”

“You have horses?” If my heart could have come out of my chest, Aunt Billie would have seen it pumped up with horse love.

“Yep, up on the hill. We just couldn’t bear to leave them at the farm.” She leaned over and kissed the top of my head, then said, “You’re a good girl.”

If she knew why I wanted the ashes, she might not think I was so good.

I went to my room, took off my shoes, and in my bare feet, went to Andy’s door and knocked. “Andy? You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Andy?”

“Go ’way.”

“If you need me—”

“Goddamn, I don’t need a thing.”

I went outside and peeked in on Uncle Jonah. He was sanding a piece of wood, his hand rubbing over it after a couple of swipes. The wood could have been an animal he was petting, he did it so soft and sure. The workshop smelled clean. I wanted to walk in and watch him awhile, but his face was too sad so I left him alone.

I walked up the side of the hill behind the workshop, and there grazed a Pinto and a Tennessee Walker. I had to force myself to walk up slow and quiet so they wouldn’t be scared. As I petted them, they nuzzled my shirt for treats. I’d be sure and ask Aunt Billie for some carrots or apples.

It was so peaceful, I stood under a weeping willow tree to watch the horses, listen to their huffing and munching. I let all the worries fly away into the wind. The branches of the willow were like a curtain, left me feeling all secret and away from the rest of the world. The breeze lifted the willow branches and my hair, and they mixed together where I was a part of the tree and the tree was part of me. The air smelled clean, different from Louisiana’s wet-earth-moldy smells. I squatted down, leaned back against the trunk of the tree, and closed my eyes.

I dreamed I was riding the pretty Pinto. Her mane and my hair flew out behind us. I saw Momma standing at the edge of the mountain, hollering at me, her mouth just a-going, but her words were carried away by the wind. I galloped towards her, pushing the horse hard. Momma’s black hair blew in the wind as she waved at me to come to her, and then, just like that, she stepped back and was gone. I screamed at her and woke up to the Pinto nuzzling me.

I stayed with the horses until I heard Aunt Billie calling me back to eat.

At supper nobody did much talking, and that was fine by me. All I thought about was what I would say to Momma when I saw her and what she’d say to me. Even Uncle Jonah didn’t blabber on, and like Andy did, he pushed his food around on his plate. I guess we girls knew we needed to eat to keep our strength up to do all those dishes, since Aunt Billie and I ate lots.

After the kitchen was cleaned up, we all climbed into the Chevrolet and headed out to the hospital—to Momma. Andy and I sat in the backseat. I stretched out my hand to hold onto Andy’s, and he let me. As we drove through town, I tried to remember things, to see if they were the same or changed, but I couldn’t tell.

At the hospital Uncle Jonah parked the car, looked in the rearview at us. “We’re here, kiddos.”

I saw my rubber-smile in the mirror.

Andy studied his knees.

I had to ask what had been stuck in my craw ever since I’d heard Daddy tell Rebekha about it. I was full to the top with people not telling me things I needed to know. I asked, “Is our brother or sister up there with Momma?”

Uncle Jonah turned to look at me. “Who?”

“Momma’s baby she had with Harold.”

Uncle Jonah looked over at Aunt Billie, his hand still resting on the car door handle.

Aunt Billie said, “There weren’t no baby. Your momma made it up so Harold would stay with her. It didn’t work that way, though.”

Uncle Jonah rubbed the steering wheel with his other hand. “It was tragical. He just ran off and left her alone.” He swiped his face. “Even when she told him there really wasn’t no baby, he still left.”

I pictured Momma swigging from the bottle, wailing up a river over Harold.

“He wasn’t a good man,” Aunt Billie said.

“She missed you kids. She wanted to marry him so she could bring you all back,” Uncle Jonah said.

“Yeah right,” Andy said.

“Who knows what your momma wanted. She went here, there, and yonder with what she wanted. Changed with the wind.” Aunt Billie shook her head.

Uncle Jonah opened the car door, but he didn’t get out.

Andy clenched fists. “I bet there was a baby and she killed it to keep Hairy-old around.”

My stomach ferris wheeled—fast, round and round.

Aunt Billie said, “Don’t say that, Andy.”

Andy turned to look out the window.

Uncle Jonah sounded as if he swallowed a whole cow and choked up on it. “Your momma was such a sweet little girl.” He swallowed, said, “We all left our own momma, your grandma Faith, too soon, cause we had to get away from Papa. Poor Ruby just got meaner and drunker, like Papa. And your momma didn’t like to think about things, so she took to the drink, too. I was lucky, I found my special girl.” He reached and squeezed Aunt Billie’s arm. “Your uncle Hank don’t even know about his sisters’ accident. He run off in the woods after Papa beat him bloody and he never come back. And poor little Ben just couldn’t take things. One by one we all left our poor Momma to Papa’s meanness.” His shoulders fell forward. “You got to understand things, is all.”

I looked at Andy and he was watching Uncle Jonah.

Aunt Billie turned to us. “Your grandpa was a mean old bastard. But, my Jonah is a good man. He just couldn’t take it.” She lifted her chin. “So he left and now he feels bad about it. And he shouldn’t.”

Uncle Jonah cleared his throat, said, “Kids, sometimes life hands over bad things. That’s the way of the world, always has been. I know your momma loved you, even if she didn’t always do the right thing.” He put his left leg out of the car. “Now, let’s get on up there before visiting hours is over.”

We hobbled out of the car as if our legs were made of rubber bands. In the hospital, we rode the elevator to the second floor. Our shoes made loud squeaks down the halls. I wore a black skirt, white blouse, and black boots. I had brushed my hair until it was shiny. I had the rose lipstick Rebekha gave me, and fingernail polish to match. I was ready for Momma. Andy wore jeans and a t-shirt with black tenny shoes. The toe of his shoe was worn and it looked sad. We stopped at the door of room 226.

Uncle Jonah said, “She’s bad off. You kids best be ready.”

We walked into the room.

It was too cold. There was one light shining over the bed. I stood at the end and stared at the lump with all the tubes sticking out. Its face was swollen, black and blue, with a bandaged foot stuck out from under the covers. I stared at its foot so I wouldn’t have to look at its face. “Are we in the right room?” I asked.

“Yes,” Uncle Jonah answered.

I took up my courage and eased closer. I felt Andy’s breath on my hair. The woman in the bed had a bandage on her head, there were cuts and bruises covering her arms, and at first, I thought her lips were scraped off, but it was the swelling that made it seem that way.

I turned to say something to Andy, but he was bent over as if he was kicked in the stomach.

Aunt Billie patted him, saying, “There there now, there now child.”

He said, “I told you I didn’t want to come. I told you.”

I couldn’t say anything to my brother. He was right. I grabbed hold of his hand and took him away from Momma. Aunt Billie and Uncle Jonah were behind us.

Once outside, Uncle Jonah leaned against the wall.

“Is she going to die?” Andy looked five years old instead of thirteen. “Well, I don’t goddamn care!”

“Andy, of course you’d care about your momma.” Aunt Billie rubbed his back. “No matter what, we care about our mommas and we always will.”

“I know how strong-willed my sister is. The doctors say she was lucky.”

Andy wiped his eyes, then pulled a pointy chin. I knew then that he was back to Louisiana Andy. “She don’t look the same, but she’s the same inside, I bet.”

“Hush, child,” Aunt Billie said.

We stood there looking like a pitiful bunch. But I knew I had to go back in and see her. I had to. I did. “I want to see Momma alone, okay?”

Uncle Jonah nodded.

I went in and shut the door. I touched the hospital blanket, tugging on it a little, not ready to touch her. I said, “It’s me, Virginia Kate.” The cold air of the room hugged on me and I didn’t like it. Grandma Faith whispered to me, but I still didn’t understand her. My teeth clickity-clacked. I stayed there until it was time to go. Andy never came back in the room.

After we were back to Uncle Jonah’s, I went straight to bed. Kayla followed me, her nails clicking on the floor, and she lay by the side of my bed. I leaned and petted her throughout the night.

The next day, before Aunt Ruby’s services, Aunt Billie gave me a paper sack with some of my aunt’s ashes. She said, “I know what I’d do with them remains. I surely do.” She nodded once and left my room.

After my aunt and uncle left, I closed myself up in the bathroom with the sack of ashes. I upended the whole mess of Aunt Ruby into the toilet. Some of her floated, and some of her sank down. I flushed her, watched Aunt Ruby swirl around and around before she disappeared. I flushed twice more to be sure. Down, down she went into the nasty old sewers of West Virginia.

Chapter 30

Why are you here, Virginia Kate?

When I wasn’t visiting Momma, I fed the horses sugar cubes, apples, and carrots. They’d whinny when they saw me, running up and sticking their noses in my shirt pockets. The Pinto was Starlight, and the Tennessee Walker was Big Fella. Uncle Jonah taught me how to saddle and bridle, brush and feed them, and promised I could ride soon as I learned. I couldn’t wait to tell Rebekha, but then I felt weird thinking about her when Momma was so tore up and pitiful.

But, when Momma woke up and took to eating food, Uncle Jonah said we didn’t have to worry so much anymore. He threw a blanket over Starlight’s back and then the saddle. I showed him I could cinch the straps nice and snug. Next, the bit went into Starlight’s mouth as I pulled the leather over her head and strapped on the bridle.

I put my foot in the stirrup, eased myself up, and sat tall in the saddle, just as Uncle Jonah taught me. I knew how to work the reins, keeping them firm, but not too tight.

He said, “Good job, Virginia Kate.”

I was grinning so big I thought my face would split apart. Andy came out and watched with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Now, remember how the horse’s mouth is tender, so don’t pull in too hard,” Uncle Jonah said.

I remembered everything. I pushed in with my legs, giving Starlight just a tiny kick with my heels. She walked around in a circle, while I felt on top of the world. I came to a stop in front of Andy, Uncle Jonah, and Big Fella. I never wanted to get down. It was almost as good as riding Fionadala.

“You done it real good,” Uncle Jonah said.

Andy pushed his face into the side of Big Fella and breathed in.

“That’s a fine horse, Andy. Gentle as a summer rain.”

“I like the way horses smell,” Andy said.

Uncle Jonah and I said together, “Me, too.”

Andy said, “Does he mind having all this on him?”

“Well, Andy, I don’t rightly know. I reckon he don’t mind.”

“Does he get cranky?”

Uncle Jonah busted out a big open mouth laugh, then said, “I guess sometimes, like people do.” He rubbed his chin. “Would you like to ride him?”

“I guess so.” But I saw he wanted to more than anything.

He helped my brother up into the saddle. “I’ll ride behind Andy, Virginia Kate.” He eased up in the saddle, letting Andy have the reins. “I’ll go with you two a few times. If you do real good, I’ll let you both ride off by yourself.”

We rode off. The sun was warm and I lifted my face to it.

Uncle Jonah hummed the theme to
Rawhide
, and then we all sang it.

When we had enough practice, Uncle Jonah said we were ready to ride by ourselves come morning.

After visiting Momma, I changed into shorts and a t-shirt. Andy had been waiting for me, jumping around like a cricket. Aunt Billie packed us a picnic of peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches, with brownies for dessert. She put in two yellow apples for the horses.

We saddled up our horses and set out. We road around the valley, up the hill, and into the little patch of woods down the road. We rode those horses tall and proud. When we were hungry, we stopped under some trees to eat. My backside was screaming, but I didn’t care.

The horses munched grass after they ate their apples. Andy gulped down his sandwich and started on another one before I was done with my first. Mouth half full, he said, “You ride pretty good for a girl.”

“And you ride pretty good for a boy.”