Tenure Track (45 page)

The counselor looked at her client. “Dana, what do you want to say to your parents?”

Dana cleared her throat for the umpteenth time, then looked at Dennis for support. He grabbed her hand again and squeezed. Dana looked down at the floor as she spoke. “I didn’t do it ‘cause I was curious. Like I said, we were kind of playing this dare game. And, well, some kids had been talking about me liking girls, so one of the guys dared me to prove I was straight by blowing him. I told him I’d give if he gave back. So we did, then it just kind of became this game with the other two guys.”

“
Some game!” Mark interjected. Phyllis put up a hand to silence him as Dana continued.

“
It’s not their fault. I actually offered it to the other two guys before they took me up on it!” she admitted. “I don’t think they would have told anybody, except that Tiff walked in on us before she stormed off. I think she’s the one who told everybody at school about it.”

Jane could not stop herself. “So you’re telling us that you exchanged oral sex with three so-called friends in order to prove that you aren’t a lesbian?”

“
I don’t believe this!” Mark muttered, shaking his head.

Jane was flabbergasted. The lengths of teenage stupidity seemed to know no bounds. “Dana, how could you debase yourself like that? Just to refute a stupid insult? I thought you were tougher than that!”

Phyllis began to speak, but Dana stopped her to face off against her mother. “I don’t think it’s an insult,” she said confidently. “At least, I’ve come to realize that from talking to Phyllis.” Jane gave her a puzzled look. “The truth is, Mom, Dad. . . . I think maybe I
am
gay. Well, maybe bi, I dunno. . . . But I know I like girls more than I like boys. . . . In that way, at least. ” Dennis gave his sister a slight punch in the arm, indicating he was proud of her for finally coming out.

Her parents were silent. For all of their politically correct liberal speak, they were ill-prepared for the idea that one of their children might not be heterosexual. “It’s easy to be sexually confused at this age,” Mark rationalized. “What makes you think you might be gay?”

Dana looked dumbfounded that he would ask. “Duh, because I like girls, Dad.”

“
B-but, you haven’t, well—,” Mark stopped himself in mid-sentence, too embarrassed to go on. There were some things a father just did not want to know about his daughter and this conversation had already passed his comfort level.

Dennis finally spoke up as he gently rubbed his sister’s back. “How could you guys be so clueless? I’ve always known. You really had no idea? That’s lame!”

Jane searched her mind for the right words to say. She knew numerous gay men and women besides Perry, had read quite a bit from the field of queer theory, and had openly fought for gay rights. Yet that was far different from having a gay child. Unsure what to do, she hid behind the Socratic Method. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” she asked the woman-child on the couch.

Dana just shrugged. “I dunno. I guess I wasn’t sure for a long time. I didn’t want to be this way. I really didn’t.”

With a look of approval from her young patient, the therapist explained, “I think the incident at the party was Dana’s rock bottom point, a self-destructive acting out to avoid accepting her true self.”

“
Yeah, I kinda hated myself for awhile, I guess,” Dana admitted. “But Coach, and then Phyllis, helped me deal.”

At that, Mark shot a glare at the counselor, as if she was personally responsible for turning his child into a lesbian. His body language spoke volumes, as he tucked his hands underneath his arms and folded his legs like a balled-up wombat.

In contrast, Jane’s heart took control over her head as a wave of motherly love and sympathy overwhelmed her. This was her baby. Confused. Filled with self-loathing. A memory of lying in a recovery room 32 years earlier flashed through her head. She had made it through that ordeal because a kind nurse showed some compassion. Now it was Jane’s turn to exhibit that same compassion.

Impulsively, Jane moved over to kneel in front of her daughter. She took Dana’s hands in hers and looked her square in the eyes. “Dana,” she said slowly. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this alone. But remember, we love you. Nothing.
Nothing
could ever make us stop loving you.” She moved one hand to touch Dennis’s. “Neither of you. Understand?”

With that, mother and daughter embraced, tighter and longer than Jane could ever remember since Dana was a toddler. Both were crying. Dennis remained dry-eyed, but leaned in to join the group hug. Time seemed to last an eternity before Jane remembered that her husband was still in the room. She looked over at the man remaining in his tight ball, looking dry-eyed and frozen. “Mark?”

Phyllis came to the rescue. “Mark, can you tell us how you’re feeling?”

He finally looked up and snapped out of his daze. “Uh, I-I dunno. This just wasn’t something I was expecting. I need a little time to get used to it.”

Dana looked crushed.

“
Well, how do you feel about Dana?” Phyllis probed.

“
Dana,” he repeated absentmindedly, as if he had forgotten his daughter’s name. “I don’t know. It’s a shock. I thought I knew everything about my kids.”

Anger was beginning to swell inside Jane as her husband found a way to make the children’s lives all about him. She looked into Dana’s wounded eyes, then back to her husband, silently pleading with him to say the words their child needed to hear. Taking Dana’s face in her hands, she whispered, “Daddy still loves you, too.”

Instead of being grateful for his wife’s save, Mark felt insulted. “Of course I love her! I never said I didn’t! I just need some time to get used to this. Where’s the restroom?” He hopped up as Phyllis motioned to show him where the facilities were.

Jane went after him, catching him by the arm right before he entered the lavatory. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“
I just need a minute,” he insisted.

“
What you need is to get back in there and tell your daughter that everything’s okay,” she ordered.

With an impassive expression, he confessed, “But it’s not okay. I don’t know what this Phyllis person has been telling Dana, but convincing a confused teenager that she’s gay is not okay.”

Jane was dumbfounded. For the first time since they had known one another, she was ashamed of her husband. “That’s so stupid, I’m not even going to respond to it,” she said before turning and walking back into the counselor’s office. She made up an excuse for her husband, but his actions spoke volumes.

For the first time in years, Dana and her mother really talked. She told Jane about a girl she had met at basketball camp the previous summer whom she really liked and who was also hoping to attend the U. next fall. She confessed that they had been writing and calling one another, but that her girlfriend had not yet come out to her parents. Dennis joked about needing to get tips on picking up girls from his sister. In those few moments, it was just the three of them: mother, son, and daughter, bonding over hidden truths that had until now created barriers between them.

Finally, Phyllis told the clan that they would need to continue their discussion at home, as she had another appointment, but she asked to talk with Jane privately for a few minutes. Mark had still not re-entered the room, but they all saw him standing in the lobby when the door opened. Dana and Dennis walked by silently as their father looked down at the floor. Phyllis asked him to join her and his wife. The silent wall that had until moments earlier divided Jane from the children now seemed to be fixed between her and Mark. They sat on opposite ends of the couch, with Phyllis on the other side of the coffee table.

“
I know this has been difficult for you. I just wanted to see if you had any questions.”

Jane thanked the counselor for helping their daughter. Both women looked at Mark, who finally asked, “Is it true that homosexuality may be genetic?”

“
What has
that
got to do with anything?” Jane replied testily.

“
Now, Jane,” Phyllis said with a raised hand, “That’s a legitimate question. And yes, there have been a number of recent studies indicating that there are biological components to homosexuality, but the research is still continuing. For the purposes of helping Dana, however, I think we need to focus on the emotional effects of her realization, not the causes.”

Mark nodded impassively, as if not really hearing her answer. “What about Dennis?”

“
What about him?” Jane asked bluntly.

“
Well, they’re twins,” he pointed out. “And if this is genetic, what are the chances that he’ll be gay, too?”

Phyllis chuckled slightly. “Trust me, Dennis is a very average heterosexual teenage male. He’s actually been here several times with his sister.” This news surprised both parents, as Dennis had never seemed the type to think that he would need therapy.

“
They’re very close,” Jane noted.

The counselor nodded. “I know. That’s one reason I’m a bit concerned about him.” Both parents sat up a little in their seats. “It’s normal for twins to have a strong emotional bond. In this case, Dennis was the first, and for a long time, the only person, with whom Dana shared her secrets. The dynamic I see between them is that Dennis has fallen into the protector role, and he has a lot of fear about relinquishing that role. But in order for each of them to grow individually, he must let go.”

“
I’ve never heard Dennis say any of this crap,” Mark responded defensively.

The counselor shrugged. “A lot of times parents don’t see these things. I’m telling you this so that you’ll understand that Dennis needs your support as much as Dana does. He’s seriously thinking about staying in town next year to be near his sister, which in turn has made her feel guilty because she thinks her issues are holding him back. Personally, I think a little physical separation would be healthy for both of them.”

“
He told you this?” Jane asked.

“
He told me that he was thinking of going to the U., should Dana go there.”

“
That’s not true!” Mark insisted. “He’s always had his heart set on MIT or Caltech. The university’s just his safety school.”

Phyllis sighed, clasping her hands in front of her. She was used to dealing with parental denial. In this family there was much to go around. “It
is
true, and he gave me permission to tell you so,” she corrected, just as adamantly. “Both of your children have very high expectations for themselves, and great fears of disappointing you. Yes, Dennis has expressed his desire to attend one of those schools, but he’s also afraid to admit how much the prospect frightens him. He’s scared to death of failure and as the protector he thinks he’s not supposed to show weakness. But in many ways, his fears of disappointing the two of you are paralyzing him as much as Dana’s fears of coming out have affected her.”

Jane instinctively knew Phyllis’s analysis was accurate, but Mark was in no mood to listen. “So you’re saying that our kids are scared to death of us and are screwed up because we’re lousy parents? Very Freudian of you! Sigmund would be proud.”

Phyllis pursed her lips. “That’s not what I’m saying. What I see in the twins is very common among high achievers, especially ones whose parents are successful professionals. It’s not an indicator of bad parenting.” Before Mark could raise another objection, she cut him off. “Listen, I do have another appointment. I know this has been a rough session for you. I’d like to continue it next week at this same time. I think it’d be good for everyone.”

Jane reminded her that next week was Spring Break. “Two weeks, then,” the counselor suggested, penciling it in on her notepad.

The twins had already headed home by the time their parents left the office, then remained holed up in their rooms most of the evening. Their parents maintained a stony silence. An earthquake had hit their home, shifting the foundations of the family dynamics so much that no one knew quite how to behave.

After the twins said goodnight and retired for the evening, Jane went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of chardonnay. She stayed in there, sipping her wine, trying to let its warmth bring perspective to the day. She sipped on more wine while soaking in a hot bath, but all the liquid surrounding and within her body could not clear her mind. She ached for her children, who had been struggling on their own with serious issues.

In a way, there were really no great revelations that she could not have discovered herself if she had just opened her eyes a little wider. But Jane had never given the impression of accepting who Dana was—the non-intellectual, the jock. Why should the girl think that her mother would accept her as a lesbian? Looking back, Jane realized that what Dennis had said was true. She should have recognized this aspect of her daughter’s nature.
Have I really been that dense?

But somehow, deep within her mother’s soul, Jane knew the twins would be okay. There would be some bumps along the way, some adjustments, but they would survive their growing pains and come out as fine young adults; perhaps not the adults that their parents had envisioned, but fine nonetheless. What continued to trouble Jane was her husband’s reaction. She had seen a narrow-minded side of him that she did not understand. This man who prided himself on being the hands-on dad was hands-off in their child’s greatest moment of need. She did not recognize
this
Mark Straussman.