Terrarium (12 page)

Hands waved him to the mat which had been made ready. Teeg lowered herself onto the mat next to his, and the circle was gathered. She noticed Sol and Marie staring across at Phoenix, sizing him up—curious, probably, to see what had attracted her to him. If asked, she would not have known what to say, except that something in her leapt up to answer the yearning she felt in him.

When at last the two old spirit-travelers lowered their eyes, Teeg did the same, and immediately power began to flow around the circle. There was a roaring like the joining of rivers inside her, and then stillness began trickling through her.

Open up to us, Phoenix, open up, she chanted over and over to herself.

After several moments she realized her back was tensed and her jaw was clamped tight. She was trying to
will
the coming together. Gradually she relaxed, let go, made herself into a gauzy sail that winds of the spirit could shove along. And the winds set her quivering, caught and spun her, leaf-light, across the waters. Presently she drifted up against some barrier, could not break through. She was conscious of her skull, an enclosure trapping her, and then the walls of bone evaporated like mist and she floated outward, nudging against the curved walls of the tank.
Those also gave way, and after them the walls of Oregon City, and then the vaporous envelope of the planet, and so on outward past solar system and galaxy, always adrift, until her frail craft burst through every last barrier and coasted into the center of light. Here all was a dazzle and a blazing stillness, a burning without movement, a chorus without sound. A fierce energy gripped her, spinning her round, and yet she felt calm.

Against the dazzle at the center shone fainter lights, like dim stars set off against the awesome fire. The lights formed a ring, and with her last shred of consciousness Teeg knew which light was her own and which Phoenix's. The ring drew inward, the ten lights merged into one and that light merged with the fire, and Teeg was Phoenix was Jurgen was Hinta, Teeg was all the other seekers, and she was God, and she was herself. There was no wind anymore, for she was at the source of all winds, and no time passing, no urge to go anywhere else; there was only abundance and peace.

After a while the breeze caught her, shoving her away from the center, back toward the two-legged packet of flesh called Teeg Passio. The walls thickened around her again, walls of galaxies, walls of bone, shutting her up once more within the confines of her own self. Yet as she roused from the trance she brought with her glimmers of that inner blaze. She held her fingers close to her face and bent each one in turn, feeling the joints mesh, the blood flow, the billion cells flame with their sparks of the infinite burning. Each time, coming back from the center, she was more amazed by life, by this flame leaping in the meshes of matter.

She reached out to left and right, found Marie's hand on one side and Phoenix's on the other. Hand joined to hand around the circle and the shudder of return passed through them, like the involuntary shudder after a bout of crying or lovemaking. Following a spell of quiet, to let the ecstasy settle in them all, Jurgen said, “Peace.”

“Peace,” said Teeg.

“Peace, peace, peace,” Phoenix murmured. His cheeks were slick.

“Welcome, new one,” the others said.

Phoenix gazed at them, letting the tears come. He sat there with a look of baffled joy on his face while the seekers approached him, each one in turn pressing palms to his palms and forehead to his forehead. Marie came last. Her shaved head glistened. She beamed down at Phoenix with all the intensity of her weathered and finely-wrinkled face. “Now you know where we truly are,” she said, brushing her forehead against his, “and don't you ever forget.”

“That's where we are,” Phoenix echoed her. “And all this,” he said, gesturing at the other people and the oil-smeared walls of the tank, “all this is illusion?”

Marie's gleaming head wagged side-to-side. “No, it's not illusion. It's performance. We're all performing the history of God, all of us, men and women and trees and pebbles, each one carrying bits of fire.”

She withdrew to join the others at the far side of the tank, leaving only Teeg beside him. His lips parted as if he were going to thrust out his tongue and taste the air.

“That's Marie,” Teeg said. “She and Sol have taken the longest spirit journeys, so we listen to them. Sol's the one over there with skin the color of ripe plums.” Realizing Phoenix had never seen a plum, she pointed. “There, see, the one kneeling down and unrolling the map.”

Phoenix nodded sleepily, but his eyes were not focused. It was no use telling him the names of the others tonight; he was too dazzled to see their faces. Their voices chattered on about dates, routes, meetings, about plans for escape from Oregon City. Contrive a water accident, make Security think the entire crew had drowned, then boat to Whale's Mouth—that was the gist of it. Teeg was not paying close attention to the talk, for she had this joy to share with Phoenix. She kept his fingers laced in her own, giving him time to come down, to come back. Let him giddy about on his own inner winds for a while longer. She remembered her
own first ingathering, the sense of coming home at last to the place she had been seeking all her days. Rainwater rediscovering the sea. Sexual orgasm was delicious, but it could not rival the splendor of that homecoming.

At last his fingers came awake in her hand, and this time when he looked he really saw her. “Now I know why you gave up trying to describe it,” he said.

Later, walking back with him through the ruins of the tank farm, after the crew had worked out all the details for escape, she asked, “Was it what you expected?”

“The test?”

“The journey inward.”

He lifted both arms, hands cupped domeward. “How could I ever dream of a trip like that?”

“Of course you couldn't.” She skipped gaily, boots scuffing on the metal floor. She felt like a gauzy sail again, blown along.

“Is it always like that?” he said.

“Is sex always spectacular?”

“Is sex—what?” he stammered.

“Spectacular. Like fireworks.”

“Do you mean—”

“I mean sometimes loving is magnificent, sometimes it's okay, and sometimes it's just a sweaty thumping of bodies. And the sky's not always perfectly blue and the crocuses don't burst through the soil every day. There's rhythms to these things.” She couldn't stop using the speech of natural things, even though she knew it meant little to him. Soon it would mean a great deal to him, once he was outside. “Things come clear in their own sweet time. We just prepare, open ourselves, and wait.”

“So it was special?” he said.

“Rare, very rare. We'd never been that close to the center before. Some of the others might have, privately—Sol, maybe, or Marie, even Hinta. But as a group, that was a
whole new … intensity. Maybe you were just the bit of chemistry, the trace element, we needed.”

“And you think they accepted me?”

“You were there, weren't you, in the fire? What other proof do you need?”

He didn't need any other, for he seized her by the hands and danced her in circles, their gowns kiting outward, their boots clumping. Gravel skittered away over the gray metal floor. They were like two stars orbiting one another, drifting closer as their spinning slowed, until they danced to a stop with hips and breasts and lips pressed together. For once his body felt easy against hers, yielding, as if the glacier that had built up in him during years of emotional restraint were melting at last. This time, when his cock bulged against her, he did not turn away. He kept his lips on hers, his hands on the curve of her rump. They stayed that way for a spell, with the scraps of cut-up oil tanks heaped around them, with sirens and delirious shouts rising from the nearby gamepark. Then Teeg felt the chill slowly coming over him again, the glacier accumulating, the cold spreading through his body like crystals of ice. And finally he pulled away.

“I lost control,” he said with an abashed tone. She could see him ticking over in his mind the articles of the mating code.

“What you lost were those stupid shackles, for about half a minute.” She kicked a chunk of gravel, sent it clattering. Patience, she reminded herself. He had already come a long way in a few months. He had become a walker, an inward exile from the Enclosure. Did she expect him also to become an uninhibited lover so quickly? “I'm sorry,” she said. “I keep forgetting. And we'll have time, outside. We'll melt the polar icepack if we need to.”

“Polar icepack?”

“Never mind. Let's go, before the healthers come sniffing after us.”

She led the way cautiously through the outskirts of the tank farm, avoiding the rings of oil. The crew had decided
not to meet again in the doomed tank, but still, it would not do to give the place away. Properly booted and hooded, with streetmasks over their faces, Teeg and Phoenix skirted the last heap of scrap and emerged into the many-colored illumination of the gamepark. The noise was deafening. People shuffled from one buzzing electronic box to another, climbed in and out of bump-cars, stood howling in the laughter booths. The loudest shouts came from the eros parlors, long anguished cries of pleasure, as if the customers were releasing in a single burst all the pent-up emotion of the day. Around the chemmie dispensers people hopped on one leg or flapped their arms, eyes rolling, or crowed with heads thrown back, or skittered about on all fours.

Teeg drew the gown tight at her throat, made sure the mask snugged down over her jaw. Beast time, she thought. A few minutes of licensed animalhood to relieve the dread they carry with them all day. She stopped short to let a man slither past on his belly; his painted face lunged at invisible targets in the air, jaws snapping. Before he left the park he would swallow a capsule of eraser, and never know he had played lizard.

“Hurry,” Phoenix hissed over her shoulder. “I can't stand this.”

No one paid any attention to them as they passed, quickly, through the park, their pace as frantic as the revelers'. At the gate, where pedbelts dumped the rigid bodies of new customers and carried away the limp exhausted ones, Teeg hesitated. She turned for a moment to look back the way they had come, across the riotous glow of the park toward the squat oil tank where so many ingatherings had taken place. She could not actually see the tank—which was just as well, since she would go there no more. The crew would remain scattered until the next call for emergency work, and that call, if the weather and the sea cooperated, would carry them outside the city for good.

Sometimes, even here inside the dome, she thought she could detect shifts in the weather, as if some antique portion
of her mind had never fully submitted to life indoors. This was one of those times, standing there at the gateway of the amusement park with Phoenix. A stirring in her marrowbones, a tingling along her spine, told her of storms brewing outside.

Turning back around, still holding onto Phoenix, she stepped on the slick black river of the pedbelt and let it carry her away.

27 August 2031
—
Whale's Mouth Bay

Salt-water. I keep coming back to it, like a reptile who has changed her mind and decided the sea is not so bad after all. I sit on the beach while Teeg explores the tidal pools, her small hands groping like cautious crabs among the rare starfish and sea anemones. Of all salty places on the Oregon coast, this one is my favorite. The ocean has scoured the basalt cliffs for thirty million years, gouging caves where moss drips down, carving holes through the softer parts of the rock. When the wind is strong and the tide is right, the incoming waves spout water through those holes. I guess that's why the place is named after whales, because of the spouts and because the black walls of the bay open like a mouth toward the sea. Once you could even see whales from here, perhaps as recently as the 1990s. Imagine the geyser rising, the hump breaking water, and even, if you were lucky, the broad flukes lifting skyward and then crashing down!

Driftwood lodges in the caves, and smooth round stones as large as ostrich eggs nest in the driftwood. South of here along the coast sea lions haunt the caves. When the water is calm, their barks can be heard all the way up here. I wonder if anyone has studied them to see why they have survived the poisons so much more successfully than the other mammals.

When I first brought Teeg here—it must have been
six years ago, when she was four—the name frightened her. I had shown her pictures of whales, and she was afraid the bay would swallow her. Even when I told her that the magnificent great beasts were extinct she was not reassured. But once she saw the place, she soon grew to trust it. And now she splashes about in the shallows as boldly as any seal.

Zuni
set the battered lunch box on the table. The lid was decorated with a 1980s artist's notion of rockets—long phallic spikes like sharpened pencils with fire gushing out the tail. Nothing at all like today's ships, which were floating conglomerations of struts and screens and bulging chambers. Whatever had possessed her mother to buy that rocket-covered pail, way back there in an Oregon lumber town, a thousand miles from any launch pad? Was it because the world was closing in, and she wanted her daughter to dream of escape? Now, seventy years later, Zuni was still dreaming of escape.

She lifted the lid, plucked out the nine topmost bundles of cards, then shut the box for the last time. Dangling by its plastic handle, it felt heavy as she carried it to the vaporizer, heavy with hundreds of file cards, all those records of failed rebellion. After placing the box inside the vaporizer she studied it through the glass door. The flame-spewing rockets and pockmarked planets appeared to her with luminous clarity, even though the actual decals were so scuffed that
she could barely make them out with her dim eyesight. Silly, she realized, to feel so attached to a little box of stamped tin. She set the timer for a minute, then peered in through the glass door to watch the vaporizer work its swirling molecular dance. After thirty seconds a congealed lump of metal still rested on the shelf, but after half a minute more nothing remained except a spiral of mist, which the recycling vents quickly sucked away.