Texas Homecoming (21 page)

She’d never seen him let his barriers down. He’d always been the one everyone else turned to. She’d never thought of how lonely that must be, always holding himself to a higher standard, never relaxing, never allowing himself the luxury of making a mistake. Never letting anyone see his doubt or uncertainty.

“Do you need the comfort and pleasure of my body? I know you want it,” she said when he didn’t respond, “but do you need it?”

It was an important distinction to her. She watched him struggle with himself. She wondered why it was so difficult for him to admit he needed her.

“Wheelers never admit that they need anyone.”

“Neither did the diVieres, and look where it landed us. Maybe my grandmother should have married your grandfather.”

Whatever else she’d meant to say was lost in Cade’s
crack of laughter. “They’d have killed each other.”

“But my grandmother would never have left your grandfather. And your grandfather would never have lost the land. We wouldn’t have been enemies.”

“We couldn’t be husband and wife.”

“Am I that important to you? Do you need me even a little bit?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” Nobody had never needed her.

“Ask me about ranching or fighting, and I know exactly what to say, but I’m not good at putting feelings into words,” Cade said. “I never met a woman who affected me the way you do.”

“What way is that?”

“Like I said, I can’t put it into words.” He pulled her into an embrace. “Surely you know I like kissing you.”

Yes, she knew that. She wanted more, needed it, and Cade obliged. His mouth took hers in a hard, hungry kiss. Pilar wanted to be needed, too. And Cade’s very solid presence answered that need in a way Manuel never could have.

But there was something different about tonight. She seemed to need him more than ever. Not his verbal assurances but his physical presence, his touch, his body’s demonstration that she had a profound effect on him. In San Antonio the sensitivity of her breasts and the awareness of his swollen sex had made her uneasy. Tonight she wanted to press herself against him until she felt absorbed. A kind of tension, a kind of mystic understanding, began to hum between their two bodies, and they fed off each other.

Pilar didn’t feel uneasy when Cade’s hand slipped between their bodies and cupped her breast or when he ground his hardened body against her abdomen. She felt
thrilled she was able to affect this strong man so dramatically, thrilled to have his need of her so palpably demonstrated.

What she hadn’t anticipated, hadn’t even suspected, was her need of him.

She had long since cataloged and memorized the list of reasons why she should marry Cade, why she
wanted
to marry him. Nowhere on her list did she find physical need, but she quickly realized that her need to be close to him was more than a need for physical safety. This was visceral, something so deeply imbedded in her that she didn’t need to understand. Her body knew all that was necessary.

She heard herself moan softly when Cade’s lips deserted her mouth to trail along her jaw and down the side of her neck to her shoulders. She moaned again when he delved inside her dress and she felt his callused fingers against the tender skin of her breast. Shivers of excitement chased each other up and down her spine. Nerve endings tingled. When Cade bent down and kissed the top of her breast, she thought she would simply melt and die.

When he lifted her breast free of her gown and took her nipple into his mouth, she was sure of it.

She tried to speak. She moved her lips, but the words wouldn’t come. The effect was so incredibly powerful, she was hardly aware of his other hand as it moved down her side and over her bottom to press her hard against him. She flung her arms around his neck, clung to him, abandoned herself to needs she never knew she had. She kissed his neck, the top of his head, in a feverish attempt to reciprocate the intense pleasure he was giving her.

Cade raised her skirt and placed his hand on the naked flesh of her thigh. She responded with a gasp of surprise cut off by the convulsion that shook her body. Her legs
went so weak she groped for support until she felt herself leaning against the rough bark of a pecan tree.

“Open for me,” he said.

She didn’t know what he meant until she felt his hand move between her legs. They immediately clamped together like a vise.

“Relax. I won’t hurt you.”

She hadn’t thought he would. Her reaction had been involuntary. She had moved beyond her experience when he suckled her breast. This was beyond her imagination.

But not beyond her body’s knowledge. Without her consciously doing anything, her muscles gradually relaxed and she felt herself move against a hand held flat against the most private part of her body. The need was great, the move instinctive. She didn’t draw back even when he parted her flesh and she felt his finger enter her. The need grew stronger, her body’s reaction more deliberate. Her body began to undulate in a slow, steady rhythm, driving Cade deeper inside, pulling away, then pushing against him once again.

She didn’t understand it, couldn’t control it. It was as though some primeval ritual buried deep in her subconscious had suddenly surfaced. She didn’t know what she was doing, but she knew she couldn’t stop. New feelings, new sensations radiated out from deep inside, making her feel weak yet giving her added strength to drive toward a goal she sensed rather than understood.

Her body moved against his hand in a steady rhythm that grew more rapid as the sensations engulfing her grew more powerful. Moan after soft moan escaped from her. She clung to Cade for support, certain she would collapse if she didn’t.

She felt desperate to satisfy the need that saturated her
body like an all-encompassing ache. Nothing else was important. She threw herself against Cade, calling his name, begging that he do something—she didn’t know what—to release her from this delicious agony. But the more she wanted release, the tighter his bands wrapped around her.

Then when she thought she could stand no more, when she was certain she would release a cry that would reverberate through the night, her body twisting and jerking like a flag in the wind, she reached the peak of pleasure and tumbled over it into ecstasy. She fell back against the tree, completely limp.

Now she knew how she needed Cade. But the question still remained.

Did he need her?

The trip back to the Wheeler ranch passed in a blur. Cade sent Bigelow and the other hired men to take the squatters to San Antonio. Nate, Rafe, and Ivan accompanied them to the outskirts of town, but Cade ordered them to stay well away in case Major Kramer was still there. Owen and Broc rode in front, entertaining each other with tales of other battles they’d fought. Holt, seemingly occupied with thoughts of his own, rode behind in contemplative silence. Cade had spent the first part of the trip helping Pilar accustom herself to riding sidesaddle. He continued giving her instructions, which she answered with a nod of her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. She didn’t know what had come over her.

She had wanted to see if they could get along, but she hadn’t meant things to go that far.

“You’ve got to relax more in the saddle,” Cade said. “You’ll have blisters if you don’t.”

“I probably have them already.”

She didn’t mean to sound petulant. She was overwhelmed. And confused. And embarrassed. She was certain the men knew that something had happened between her and Cade. Owen’s gaze told her he had no doubt what it was. Just knowing that made her feel hot all over.

Cade was in great spirits, planning what to do with the new land and herds. She couldn’t tell whether his good mood was the result of a successful battle, the prospect of new wealth, or the evening spent with her. Since his attitude toward her seemed the same as ever, she doubted it was the latter.

He’d been kind and attentive, but never in a lovesick sort of way. She wouldn’t have thought she wanted that, but she did want some outward sign that last night had meant something other than a release of physical tension. Then she remembered he hadn’t achieved any release, that his attentions had all been for her, and she started feeling guilty for suspecting his motives. She was fortunate he wasn’t as crabby as a bear. Her grandmother said men turned mean when their physical needs weren’t met.

“I expected to see Gramps hiding in the bushes, waiting to see if we’d been wiped out,” Cade said.

“He was sure you’d win,” Pilar said. “I heard him tell Jessie there weren’t enough scallywags in the whole state of Texas to beat you.”

Cade chuckled. “I wish he’d say something like that to me.”

“He’s proud of you but too stubborn to admit it.”

She knew he was pleased, and that made her feel good. She liked doing things that pleased him, like last night. But it wasn’t just for Cade. She liked it for herself.

Her grandmother had hinted at the nature of the physical requirements of being a wife and mother but always in
the context of pain, forbearance, and the shameful lot of women. She’d said nothing about sheer ecstasy or the very strong desire to do it all over again.

Pilar wondered if she ought to be ashamed of her feelings. She wasn’t, and she hoped Cade would take her back to the grove by the creek. She knew her grandmother would disapprove, but she was practically obligated to marry him now. And she did want to marry him. Unless she was badly mistaken, she was falling in love with him.

Earl Wheeler materialized out of a thicket of catclaw and mesquite close to the ranch house. “Where’s the rest of your band of thieves? Don’t tell me you let them get killed.”

Pilar thought she saw Cade flinch.

“They’re taking the squatters to jail,” Cade said. “They’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Then we’re going to have a real celebration,” Owen said, “so bring out all that whiskey you’ve been hiding.”

“I’m not hiding no whiskey,” Earl said. “If I was, I’d be drinking it myself.”

“Don’t worry. The boys are bringing some from town.”

Earl fell in next to Owen, started drilling him on what had happened in the fight. Pilar could tell that Cade was hurt his grandfather didn’t ask him. She didn’t understand how the old man could be so stupid. You’d think he’d know what was important to his grandson.

But it was too late to change Earl Wheeler. Pilar didn’t know what forces had formed his character, but they’d been so harsh, he was incapable of showing the affection she was certain he felt for his grandson.

And that made her want to love Cade all the more. No one was more lonely than a man who thought he wasn’t supposed to need anybody. But he’d admitted he needed
her. He didn’t know why yet, but she was sure he’d figure it out.

“How much do you want to tell your grandmother?” Cade asked. “How soon will she want to return to the hacienda?”

Pilar knew the answer without thinking. “Immediately.” Pilar wanted to return immediately, too. And all of her dreams of returning home included Cade.

“That place isn’t fit for occupation. Besides, two women can’t live there by themselves.”

Pilar couldn’t suppress a smile. Cade wanted to go with her. He had to know that putting up with her grandmother was going to be horrible. Once she saw what had happened to the hacienda, she’d be so furious she’d lash out at everyone around her.

“I’d try to warn her gradually, but she’d know something was wrong. When do you think we’ll go back?”

“Not for a few days at least.”

They had ridden into the ranch yard. Much to her surprise, her grandmother came out on the porch and motioned impatiently for her to come to the house. Her grandmother was no more likely than Earl Wheeler to show emotion. Pilar waited for Cade to help her out of the saddle, but it was Owen who lifted her to the ground, a brittle smile on his face as he let her slide down his body.

Pilar was too startled to protest. Then her legs gave out from under her. By this time Cade had reached her side.

“I’d appreciate it if you’d unsaddle our horses,” he said to Owen.

“Come on, boys,” Earl said. “Jessie’ll want to hear what happened.”

Owen spun on his heel. “Good. I’ll make sure I improve my part this time.”

“Remind me never to ride a horse again,” Pilar told Cade as she stumbled toward the porch. “My legs feel as if the bones have melted.”

“You should ride some each day,” Cade said.

“I’ll be happy to ride if you’ll take over the cooking.”

“We’ll see what we can work out.”

Pilar was much too concerned with making her legs work to reply.

“Here, let me,” Cade said. He picked her up, carried her up the steps, and set her down on the porch. Her legs felt shakier than before.

“Come inside,” her grandmother said, then turned and went inside the house.

“Don’t you want to know what happened?” Pilar asked.

“I have something more important to tell you.”

“What could be more important than that?”

“Come inside, and I will tell you. You,” she said, looking at Cade, “help your grandfather unsaddle his horse.” She pushed Pilar inside the house and closed the door on Cade.

“Grandmother, that was rude. What could be so terribly important—”

“I got another letter from Laveau. He says he cannot come home because Cade and his friends are waiting to hang him.”

Chapter Twenty-one

Pilar’s hands shook so badly she could barely read the letter. Cade and his friends blamed Laveau for the betrayal, and they intended to hang him when he came home. Cade had lied to her.

“And you insisted upon showing him Laveau’s letter and telling him what you wrote,” her grandmother said bitterly.

“How could I have guessed?” The guilt nearly choked Pilar. She could have been responsible for her brother’s death! “What are we going to do?”

“We will leave this evil house. As soon as I shake the dust of this place from my shoes, I will lay a curse on it that will last a hundred generations.”

Pilar had no room in her thoughts for curses. She could only marvel that despite what she had learned, she still had feelings for Cade. Surely that was impossible. She had to be delirious. Mad.

“I packed your clothes as soon as I read the letter,” her grandmother said. “We will go straight to the rancho.”

“We can’t,” Pilar said, wrenched out of her thoughts. “It’s—”

“Do you think I could spend another night under this roof?”

“There’s no food, no one to prevent more squatters from coming in and forcing us out again.”

“We will hire people.”

“We don’t have any money.”

“Are you saying you want to stay in this house?”

“No, but I’ve seen what they did to the rancho. We can’t return yet.”

Her grandmother turned fearful. “What have they done to my house?”

Pilar had intended to postpone describing the horrific destruction she’d seen, but she decided now was the best time. By the time she’d finished, the old woman had lost so much color, looked so defeated, Pilar wished she’d waited.

“They have destroyed my life,” her grandmother said.

“They destroyed things. They didn’t destroy us or our spirit,” Pilar said. “We can start again. We can—”

“They have destroyed the irreplaceable,” her grandmother said. “
Madre de Dios!
Why does God not strike these people dead?”

Pilar had wondered the same thing. Thinking what those men had done to her family made her hope they would be hanged. But the squatters had never pretended to be anything but what they were. Cade was the villain. He’d lied to her over and over again even after she’d confessed her own initial dishonesty. He’d taken advantage of her weakness to make her long for the physical pleasures he could give her. She would never have let him touch her if she’d known he was just waiting to hang Laveau.

She grabbed up the letter from where it had fallen to the floor. “I’ll show him this letter,” she said, her resolution formed. “I’ll confront him with all his lies.”

“No,” her grandmother said. “You must not.”

“Why? You just said you wanted to leave this house immediately.”

“I let my emotions make me speak before I thought. You must keep pretending to like him.”

“I can’t do that!” Pilar protested, aghast.

Her grandmother took her by the shoulders and shook her. “You must. Laveau cannot come home for maybe a long time. We cannot leave the rancho unoccupied. We cannot live there alone.”

“I’ll find a way to hire some hands. I’ll ask Broc. He found the ex-soldiers for Cade. He can—”

“We will let Cade and his friends restore us to our hacienda. Let them catch and brand our cows. Let him take them to market so we will have money.
Then
we throw him out and hire men to work for us. You will marry Manuel, and he will protect us until Laveau’s army can bring him home.”

“How can you ask me to pretend to like a man who has lied to me?”

“I ask because it is the only way we get our home back, the only way we leave this cursed place. Just pretend a little bit. He will be here and we will be at the hacienda. You will hardly see him.”

“He’ll be on our rancho, working with our cows.”

“We do not keep cows in the hacienda,” her grandmother said. “Nor is it my custom to invite hired hands inside.”

Pilar doubted that Cade would think of himself as a hired hand, nor did her grandmother understand that Pilar
wasn’t sure she could keep Cade at a distance. But she had to try. If she didn’t, she might start liking him all over again.

“What’s wrong?” Cade asked Pilar. “You’ve been avoiding me all evening.”

“I’ve been busy,” she said without looking at him. “There’s a lot to do after being gone.”

“You’re still upset about what the squatters did to the hacienda, aren’t you?”

She looked up. “I thought my grandmother was going to be ill.”

“It can be fixed. It will take time and money, but—”

“What you did … I mean, what the squatters did can never be fixed. I’ve been…
my grandmother and I
have been violated. Some things are irreplaceable. Once broken, they can never be mended.”

She turned back to the work of clearing away after supper, but Cade had the definite impression she was not talking about the hacienda. Her whole attitude toward him had changed. She practically cringed when he touched her.

“There are so many cattle on that ranch, you can afford to strip the place bare and start all over again,” Holt said.

“My grandmother doesn’t want to start over again. She wants things to be like they were before the war.”

“Nothing’s like it was before the war,” Holt said.

“Wait until your brother gets home,” Ivan said. “I’m sure it’ll soon be like old times.”

“I don’t know if Laveau will come home,” Pilar said. She busied herself with scrubbing out the stubborn remains of baked beans from a pot. “He used to talk of starting a ranch in California.” She looked up, tried to empty her face of
any expression. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s out there already.”

Cade reached out, gripped Ivan’s shoulder to prevent an imprudent answer. “I’m sure he wouldn’t go without seeing his family first. Besides, I doubt he has the money to buy a ranch.”

“He’s got—” Ivan began.

“He wouldn’t leave without making sure you and your grandmother were safe,” Cade cut in.

“We can take care of ourselves,” Pilar said, again avoiding his gaze. “In fact, we want to return to the hacienda tomorrow.”

“The place is nearly destroyed,” Holt pointed out.

“You have no food,” Cade reminded her.

“I’m sure you won’t begrudge us some of your supplies. We don’t need much.”

“You can’t live there unprotected,” Cade said.

“You and your friends will be there rounding up cattle.”

“We could be miles from the hacienda.”

“I’m sure no one will bother us. Besides, I planned to ask Owen if he would stay at the hacienda at night.”

“Did I hear my name mentioned?” Owen asked, breaking off an argument he’d been having with Earl and Jessie Wheeler over some tales about mutual relatives.

“I was telling Cade my grandmother and I want to move back to the hacienda tomorrow.”

“Good riddance,” Earl said. “I can’t wait to get shut of that old woman.”

“You can’t go without someone to protect you,” Owen said.

“Hell, people need protection
from
that woman,” Earl Wheeler said.

“Will you stay at the hacienda with us?” Pilar asked
Owen. “Now that Cade has all those other men, he won’t need you.”

Holt laughed. “How does it feel to be replaced so easily?” he asked Owen.

“I didn’t mean that,” Pilar said, embarrassed. “I meant—”

“I’ll be delighted to move to your hacienda,” Owen said, looking at Cade rather than Pilar. “I’ll stay
very
close so no one will harm you.”

“You won’t have to do that,” Cade said. “We’re all moving to the hacienda.”

Cade was surprised at his own words. He’d been planning to use the Wheeler ranch as a base, but it was more sensible to use the diViere rancho instead. It was bigger and had more room for the extra men. They would be closer to their work, and they could protect the land better.

“I’m sure I can provide enough protection,” Owen said.

“I don’t want you to move to the hacienda Cade,” Pilar said. “This is your home. I wouldn’t ask you to leave.”

“I won’t be leaving my old home as much as going to my new one,” Cade said, trying to understand what had gotten into Pilar. It had to be something her grandmother had said since their return. He could almost believe she knew he wanted to hang her brother. But she couldn’t. If she did, he was certain the old woman would have attacked him with the kitchen knife by now.

“I’m not moving to that damn place,” Earl said.

“Good,” Cade said. “It won’t do to leave this place unattended.”

“Since you can cook, you’d better stay with him,” Pilar said. “He’ll starve otherwise.”

“I survived two years before you got here,” Earl said.

“Only because you’re too mean to die.”

The only things normal about this evening were Earl and Pilar taking verbal shots at each other, and Owen trying to insinuate himself into Pilar’s good graces.

Cade didn’t bother denying the tide of jealousy that rose up in him like bile, but he didn’t understand the reason for it. He knew women liked Owen’s handsome face and sweet talk, but Pilar had practically agreed to marry him. They got along, and each would give the other what they needed. And he knew from Pilar’s response to him the previous evening that her nature was as passionate as his own.

They were perfect for each other.

But something was wrong.

What he felt for Pilar was more than liking, more than lust, more than satisfaction at acquiring an exceptional bride. He was very fond of her, and it was important to him that she return his feeling. Last night he’d felt she did. Tonight he didn’t feel any warmth at all.

Never trust feelings. Even people you love can turn against you.

What better example could he want than his own mother? No, feelings weren’t dependable. People put their loyalties where it was to their advantage.

But loyalty wasn’t enough. He and his grandfather were loyal to each other, but there wasn’t enough warmth in that relationship. Something inside him cried out for the kind of deep, unshakable loyalty—should he call it love?—he’d seen in some of the married couples who’d given his troop shelter during the war. It was obvious their feelings went beyond being able to get along together. Some women looked at their husbands with something akin to worship in their eyes.

He wanted that for himself.

He’d seen the way those men looked at their wives. Women of mature years and full bodies, women who’d lost the bloom of youth long ago. Women worn down by years of bearing too many children and working too hard. Yet when those men looked at their wives, they saw and valued the beauty of what was within, not the shell visible to the world. Those men could face the future knowing that neither age nor familiarity could wither the affection in their hearts or diminish the warmth of companionship.

Cade wanted that for himself, too.

He wasn’t sure he believed in love—he was certain he couldn’t trust it if he did—but he wanted devotion. He was tired of the cold emptiness inside. Pilar had given him a hint of what it could be like if two people really cared for each other. Having gotten a taste, he wanted more.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” Cade asked Pilar.

“I haven’t finished,” Pilar said.

“Owen’s dying to be helpful. Let him finish up.”

“I didn’t come here to wash dishes,” Owen said.

“There aren’t many,” Holt said. “Let them go.” He winked at Pilar. “A woman needs to talk about moving to a new house.”

“Don’t see any need myself,” Earl said. “You just load all their junk in the wagon and cart it over there.”

“Your grandfather’s right,” Pilar said.

Earl looked at Pilar as though she’d turned into a rattler, coiled and ready to strike. “That gal has something up her sleeve,” he said. “She’s never agreed with me in her life.”

“Even you can be right once,” Pilar said.

“Don’t trust her,” Earl said. “She’s acting like her grandma now.”

“I really do need to talk to you,” Cade said to Pilar.

She hesitated before nodding agreement, then walked
out of the room and the house without waiting for him. Something was definitely wrong.

She turned to face him in the middle of the ranch yard. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I wanted to discuss your moving back to the hacienda, but first I’d like to know what happened to you between the time we got back here and when I came in for supper.”

She looked defiant. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’re mad about something. What did your grandmother say?”

“Don’t blame everything on my grandmother.”

“I wouldn’t except you went into her room one person and came out another. As your future husband, I think I have a right to know what she said.”

Pilar broke eye contact, then turned back toward the house. “We discussed this proposed marriage between us,” she said, still avoiding looking at him. “And the fact that you want half of the ranch as my dowry.”

“Plus the hacienda.”

“Grandmother thinks that’s too much.”

“Okay. What do you think is a reasonable dowry? Keep in mind that I’ll be doing the work for the whole ranch until Laveau comes home.”

Her head jerked up and she turned to him. Not even the darkness could hide the anger in her face. She turned and took a few steps away from him. “It doesn’t matter.” She stopped and turned to face him again. “I’ve decided we will never get along. I can’t marry you.”

Cade was stunned. He hadn’t anticipated anything like this, especially after last night. She was going back on their deal after he’d done his part. She had turned out to be less honorable than he’d thought.

What he didn’t want her to see—what he wanted to
deny to himself—was his hurt and panic. He wasn’t sure he could explain the hurt. He didn’t love Pilar, but he sure did like her a lot. Maybe it was his pride at being turned down. Maybe he was hurt because he liked her and she didn’t like him.

Unfortunately, he knew exactly why he felt panicked.

Something very special had started to develop between them, something he’d realized he wanted desperately. He knew that if he let it go now, he’d never get it back again.