Texas Hope: Sweetgrass Springs Stories (Texas Heroes Book 16) (21 page)

“Horse,” said Ian, the first word he’d spoken after
Mama
and
Daddy
.

“He’s your boy, for sure.” Sophia had laughed.

But even then, years before she’d fled, darkness and longing had crept into her eyes, shadowed her beloved features, he could see now, and he understood that they’d never had a chance, that he’d taken an orchid from a hothouse and expected it to flourish in the desert.

All the love he’d showered on her could never have been enough.

He’d been stunned to receive the locket, along with Sophia’s request that he decide if Scarlett would want it.

Of course she would. His daughter-in-law cherished everything about Ian.

But what would Ian do? How much would it hurt him to see this reminder of the mother who’d walked away? How could Gordon make him understand that Sophia had loved him desperately even as her soul withered under the harsh Texas sun?

She had tried. For six long years she’d done her best to fit in.

He’d read of a diagnosis once:
failure to thrive
. The term applied to Sophia as well. She’d tried, and he’d tried…but he hadn’t tried hard enough. He’d let his land take precedence, his history, his roots. All of those he’d placed before the welfare of the woman who’d entrusted her heart to him, who’d given up everything familiar when he’d been miserable in her world.

And when she’d left him, he had placed all the blame on her. If she’d loved him enough, Ian enough, she would have stayed. She would have fit in.

He’d stood on this ground and he’d staked his claim.
You can go, but Ian will stay
.

What had it cost her to leave? She’d looked broken that day, and he’d hardened his heart to keep from breaking down, too. Yes, he’d needed to be strong for Ian, but he could have found a compromise, surely. This land had formed Ian just as it had formed him, but when push came to shove, Ian had offered to leave for Scarlett’s sake. And truly meant it, however torn he’d been at the thought of letting his father down.

Gordon had said the words years ago in San Francisco, but he hadn’t truly meant them.

And she’d known. She’d made sacrifices Gordon could not imagine—once in coming here to live and trying her damnedest to become a part of this place.

Then she’d torn out her heart again by leaving Ian behind when she had to go. He’d told her not to come back, had played on her mother’s instinct to protect.
If you leave, don’t be playing with this child’s heart. Go, but don’t return. Or stay and stop pining
.

What an ass he’d been, so sure of what was right for Ian, of where his son belonged. Yet his boy had filled up shelves with books about the travel he’d desperately wanted to do and never would out of loyalty to his dad, especially after Gordon’s stroke.

Gordon had done his son harm too many times, first by sending his mother away, then by trapping him here. He didn’t want to harm him again with this locket.

He opened his fingers, one by one. Studied the small golden oval in the center of his palm, the delicate chain swirled protectively around it.

He closed his fingers again. Stared out at the hills once more and thought of the note she’d included with the locket.

I would sell my soul to be able to hold Ian’s child. To hold Ian again.

But I gave up all right to that blessing long ago.

If there’s any way, Gordon, you would consider whispering in that baby’s ear that somewhere far away is a grandmother who loves her or him, I would be so grateful. I don’t deserve that link, I know, but I will live in hope that maybe one day before I’m gone, Ian’s children will find it in their hearts to come looking for me.

Gordon leaned against the post and stared out at the land he’d chosen over this woman who was aching so. Who wasn’t asking him to take responsibility for driving her away but instead was caught up in self-loathing she had only partial right to feel.

He had more than earned the bulk of that burden.

Michael says you’ve forgiven me, and I can’t begin to tell you what that means. I’m not letting myself off the hook, though. I did what no mother ever should, no matter what, and Ian is right to hate me. It’s a sign of how beautifully you raised him, that he’s giving his brother a chance to be a part of his life.

He owed Sophia a long overdue apology.

Time to make it.

“Hello.”

“Sophia, it’s Gordon.”

She sat down abruptly. She knew him from the first syllable, would always recognize that voice from any other on earth. She tried to speak but couldn’t.

“Sophia? Are you there?”

“I—” she covered her mouth, then tried again. “Yes, I’m here. I—are you—Gordon, why—”

“Why am I calling?” He chuckled. “I’m not exactly sure.”

Silence filled with too much emotion.

“Is Michael all right? Is Ian all right? Scarlett and the baby—”

“Everyone’s fine.” A pause. “I got the locket, and I’ve just been…thinking. About the past, you know?”

“Yes.” She closed her eyes against the pain of remembering.

“I’m sorry, Gordon.”

“I’m sorry, Sophia,” he said at the same time.

“What?”

“What?”

They tried again. “Why would you be sorry? You didn’t fail anyone,” she said.

“I failed you.”

Another long pause,

“Gordon, you’re…okay?”

A grunt. “Got a limp I don’t much care for, but the doc says I’ve rehabbed it as far as it’s gonna go. Need a cane more often than I’d like.”

“Michael told me you’d suffered a stroke. Are there other effects?”

“Getting old is hell, Sophia.”

He sounded as strong as ever. “You’re hardly old.”

“I feel that way. Ian’s had to take on too much of the load around here, though I’m picking up more of my responsibilities all the time.” A pause. “Hard to figure out when it’s time to turn over the reins altogether. Ian can do it all, of course, but I want more for him than that.” He exhaled. “He always wanted to travel, but he stayed here for me. Can’t feel right about that.”

His reaction was very different from Allan’s to Michael, but Gordon had always been the fairest, most noble man she’d ever met. “He loved every inch of the ranch from the time he could walk,” she reminded him.

“But how much of that had to do with me and my expectations? He could have had a different life if we’d left here.” A beat. “With you.”

“You offered to stay in San Francisco, Gordon. I remember that.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t really mean it.”

“I know. You and your land are one and the same. I couldn’t ask you to go. I just…”

“Couldn’t stay,” he finished.

“I was weak and wrong, and I’m more sorry than you can imagine.”

“It was my fault, Sophia. I should have found a compromise.”

Her eyes burned. “Such as?”

He sighed. “I don’t know—I could have gone to work for your father, the way he wanted.”

“You’re your own man, Gordon. You always were. You would have hated it.”

“But I cost you. Cost us.”

Her heart was lodged in her throat. When she could finally speak, she asked, “Michael said you forgive me? Is that really true?”

“I think the better question is can you ever forgive me?”

Her breath caught. “I never blamed you.”

“You damn sure should have.”

“I was a spoiled little rich girl.”

“You tried for six years, Sophia. You can’t tell me that’s giving up easily.”

“But I did give up, in the end,” she whispered. “I gave up my child.”

Time itself stalled. He didn’t have to blame her, she would forever blame herself.

“I just as much took him from you, Sophia. I didn’t give you any choice. I was so damn sure I knew what was best.”

She’d never expected to hear anything like this, not ever. “I was weak, in so many ways, Gordon. And it cost me a child.”

“It shouldn’t have. You were young and sheltered. I took you away from everything you knew. I cost you that child, and I let my own resentment scab over so that any second chances were buried too deep. I should have kept Ian in contact with you. Should have explained before his heart closed against you.”

She pressed a fist to her heart. “Did he ever ask about me?”

“Not after a time. He found a mama in Mary Gallagher.”

“Mary. How is she?”

“She passed when the boys were seniors.”

“So he lost a mother all over again.” Her heart ached viciously.

Gordon swore under his breath. “We can slice at both our hearts all day and night, but the past is over and done with.”

“Is it?” Her shoulders sagged. “He’s never going to forgive me, is he?”

“Not if you make it so easy to forget you.”

She gasped. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I think you should come here. Talk to Ian yourself.”

“Gordon, how could I ever—?” Her thoughts veered wildly, her emotions swinging between hope and terror. “I could make things worse for him. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“Ian’s a grown man, Sophia. A good one. He’s strong and solid.”

“Michael said everyone looks to his lead and admires him.”

“He’s a real fine man. So is Michael.”

Her eyes filled. “And there’s my conundrum. If I had stayed for Ian, there would be no Michael.”

“We might have had our own Michael.”

And they’d have had each other all this time, the brothers. She knew how desperately Michael had wished for that.

Gordon spoke again before she could. “We could make ourselves crazy over what ifs.” He spoke with the reason and strength he’d always possessed. “Those men need each other, and there’s always going to be a thorn between them as long as Ian doesn’t make peace with the past he swears he’s forgotten.”

“I did that to him.”

“It happened,” Gordon repeated. “What are we going to do about it now?”

We
. Oh, how that word made her yearn. “I’m terrified,” she admitted. “But I’m not weak anymore.”

“So you’ll come?”

“I don’t want to harm Scarlett or that baby by making Ian miserable. Maybe I should wait.”

“Haven’t you waited long enough, honey?” he asked.

Honey
. She closed her eyes and let a tiny hope flutter.

Then she opened them once more. They were a million miles from any possibility of affection between them.

This was about Ian, and only Ian.

She pressed her lips together and prayed for the strength not to hope too desperately that he would be happy to see her.

If he just wouldn’t hate her, that would be a start. “I want to try.” She firmed her voice. “I will bring all the patience and determination I can summon…but I’ll also listen to any advice you want to share.”

A chuckle. “Let me know when to meet your plane.”

Chapter Eight

S
carlett’s ankles were swelling again. She needed to be off her feet. Ruby kept one eye on her granddaughter and another on the group gathered around the right front corner booth where Gordon, Ian, Mackey, Rissa and Michael had trapped the woman Michael was clearly crazy over.

Laken, on the other hand… Poor child. She watched the interactions with both unease and a clear sense of yearning.

“You should go over there,” Ruby told her granddaughter. “That poor girl is a fish out of water, and Ian needs you with him because of Michael.”