That Boy (37 page)

“True, we probably would've fought like crazy.” It surprises me that the thought of Danny and I together still seems to bug him. “But what's that got to do with us?”

“Probably? You
do
fight like crazy.”

He can't seem to get off the Danny subject, so I give in on that point and say, “I know. That's why he and Lori are so great together. She's so grounded. She's just like…..”

Then I stop.

I realize what I was about to say and think back to yesterday's conversation with Danny.

The kite thing.

Shit.

Does Phillip fly me?

Is he just like Lori, hanging on and letting me do my thing, all the while keeping me safe and close by?
Is he perfect for me?

Phillip interrupts my thoughts by saying, “Finish your sentence.”

“Um. No.” I shake my head.

I can't.

“JJ,” he warns.

“FINE. I was going to say, um, she's just like you.”

“And?” he prods.

“And you're probably perfect for me.” I sigh big. “See? See the problem? I have a major conflict of interest here.”

“A conflict of interest?” He looks at me like I'm nuts.

“Yes.”

“What exactly do you mean?” Phillip needs to know this because he is so
exact
about everything.

“Well, everyone thinks you and I
belong
together. Part of me agrees. We get along great. I love to be around you, but the conflicting side of me thinks I shouldn't risk it. And besides, I really don't think we should worry about what other people think.”

“Fine. So what do
you
think?”

“No fair. You go first. What do you think?”

Phillip takes a moment, gathers his thoughts and says carefully, “Well, I do think we have a fair amount of
chemistry
.”

“Chemistry,” I laugh. “Are you serious? You treat me like your sister.”

“No,
I do not
. I'm much nicer to you, than I am to my sister. Trust me when I say I have feelings for you that are probably illegal to have about a sister.”

I laugh nervously. I did not know this at all.

“I know in your mind,” he says, poking me on my forehead, “you think of me as a brother.” He switches his line of thought and says, “Do you ever feel tingly when I hold your hand?”

“Um.”

“Do you get excited to hear my voice at the end of the day? Do you like to be with me?”

“Uh.”

“People are right. You and I
definitely
have a thing. What they don't understand is that we've never
acted
on it. I'm thinking we should,” he says confidently.

“You do?” I'm surprised.

“Well, what have we got to lose?”

“Uh, duh. Each other. And I
really
like you, Phillip.”

“No Princess, you don't
like
me, you are
totally
in
love
with me. You're just too stubborn to admit it.”

I look at his eyes because surely he
must
be joking, but he appears very serious.

“Fine,” I say, temporarily giving in and avoiding the love topic. “I'll go out with you sometime. Where do you want to go?”

“Mexico.”

“Mexico?”

“Yeah, trial run. If it doesn't work out, no one needs to know. We'll just come back to the way things are now,” he adds, scowling.

“How's that?” I ask puzzled.

“You torturing and teasing me and then walking away.”

“I don't do that!”

“You did last night.”

“Phillip, don't you get it? I don't want to lose you. You're my family,
my only family
. I'd be alone if it weren't for you.” I swear I'm about ready to cry. My eyes start tearing up, and I choke out, “Why can't you get this?”

“You're not going to lose me,” He runs his hand through my messy hair and down the side of my face.

Oh, that feels so good. I melt slightly and close my eyes for a minute.

“How can you say that? How can you be so sure?” I question. “You know my history. I
always
lose the guy!”

“Yeah, well that's because they're
always
the
wrong
guy.”

“And you think
you're
the right one?”

“Yeah. I do. I'm the one,” he says, pointing to his chest.

I picture him as Tarzan. Me. Take you. Jane.

Then I focus back to what he is saying.

“I've been here for you all along. I've listened to you cry about other guys, I rescue you, take care of you when you're sick, hug you when you're sad, tell you you're beautiful when you look terrible.” He looks me straight in the eyes and is dead serious when he says, “Princess, I've
always
been the one.”

I give up.

“I know,” I sigh. “So Mexico, huh? And you promise if it doesn't work out or we fight, we agree to pretend it never happened?”

“What happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico,” he says, with a twinkle in his eye and a big smile on his face.

“Let me think about it,” I say diplomatically.

He takes the coffee cup away from me and sets it on my nightstand. “While you're at it, think about this.”

Then he leans in and kisses me right on the lips.

Very
thoroughly.

I can't help but kiss him back. I completely relax, all defense slipping away.

Damn.

Then he stops, gets up and walks out my door without another word.

Wow.

And he's right because I can't seem to think about
anything
else.

Finals are over, we've all managed to graduate, and I'm on the beach in Cancun, Mexico. Phillip and I are walking hand in hand in the moonlight.

It's a very romantic setting.

I can hear the sound of the ocean lapping onto the beach. The moonlight is shimmering off the water and in the sky.

It even feels romantic.

The sand is rough between my toes, and the water keeps coming up onto the beach to caress my bare feet.

Phillip stops and kisses me, and it's really wonderful.

When I kiss Phillip, I feel like I'm home, like I'm exactly where I belong. It's a weird, and wonderful, and very scary feeling.

Maybe he's right. Maybe I am in love with him.

If only I weren't so afraid of losing him.

“Stop thinking so much,” he says, reading my mind. “Where is Miss Spontaneous when I need her? Any other time and you'd be dancing on the beach, making out with the guy. Do me a favor, Princess, relax and enjoy this.”

I try to relax, and I have to admit the kisses help.

I can tell Phillip would like there to be more going on than kissing, but every time he presses the issue, I feel myself pulling back.

I am just not ready.

The next morning, IT'S AMAZING because Danny and I are the first ones at our breakfast table. I thought for a second that we were the first ones up
because that never happens
, but Danny informs me that Lori and Phillip went out for an early morning run, and the parents are already golfing.

Typical.

“So how did it go with Phillip last night?” He raises his eyebrows up and down, hoping to hear some juicy details.

“Well, we kissed”

“And….?”

“And….that's it.”

Danny shakes his head and rolls his eyes at me, like I'm a stupid idiot.

“Danny, what am I supposed to do? I just feel all this pressure, like I
have
to do this, not like I want to. It's like I'm being
told
what to do. And you know when someone tells me what to do, it usually makes me do the exact opposite. You of all people should understand that.”

“I do understand, but it kind of seems like you're looking for excuses.” He studies me closely. “You're not letting what happened between us affect you on this?
Are you
?”

“Oh, you mean the
it would ruin us
part? Um, yeah. That's the part that scares me the most.”

He is still shaking his head at me, so I say, “You don't think if I go out with Phillip, it will ruin our friendship?”

“No, I don't. I think it will
enhance
your friendship. Surely you understand what different people Phillip and I are. Hmm, I guess maybe now might be a good time to confess.”

“Confess what?”

He runs his hand through his hair and sighs, “I was so afraid of you on Prom night, I literally drank myself sick.”

“You were
afraid
of me?”

“Well, I was afraid of what I,
we
, might do. I mean I
really
wanted you, Jay, and I have to admit there have been
many
times that I've kicked myself for not going for it.” He tilts his head and looks at me, “But I didn't want to take advantage of you. I mean you'd been through
so
much in such a short time.
Jake
.
Your parents
. Combine that with the fact that it would've been your first time. I don't know. It just didn't seem like the right thing to do. I was afraid you would regret it and hate me. I just couldn't live with that.”

“Did you know that I
wanted
you to take advantage of me?”

“Yeah, I kinda did. Why do you think I was scared shitless? You can be very persuasive, Jay. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to say no.”

“Why didn't you just tell me?” I shake my head, trying to comprehend this. “Wait, that's not right. That night, you wanted it too. I saw the condom by the bed!”

“Yeah, well at that point I was drunk and not thinking with my head. Thank God, I passed out because I think it
would have
ruined us. At that point in your life, you needed stability, not fun. You and I both know the times in college when we hooked up a little, it was always
just
for fun.”

“That and your win record,” I tease him.
“So what makes you think it will work with Phillip? I'm serious, Danny, I really need to know this.”

“Well, there's something else I should probably tell you.” He leans across the table and says softly, “Prom night, when we all slept together, I woke up before you did. Guess what I saw?”

“I don't know. Did I look gross? Was I drooling?”

“No, silly, you're adorable when you sleep. What I saw, was you all snuggled up with Phillip. He had his arm wrapped around you. Your head was on his chest. And that's when it hit me. I think even when we were little, I knew you two had a special bond, something I wasn't part of. I'll even admit that it was kind of a blow to my ego, but it worked out okay. It made it easier for me to tell you what I did. I mean, I knew we'd never last romantically, we're too much alike, but I also knew you'd be fine.” He looks at me pointedly, “
Because
of Phillip.”

He leans back in his chair and continues, “Christ, you two are perfect for each other. You're already like an old married couple anyway. You just don't get any of the fun benefits…..And I
know
you like the fun benefits.” He raises his eye brows up and down at me on the word know.

I shake my head at him. “You'd better be there to pick up the pieces if this all blows up in my face.”

“You know I will,” he says, and I believe him.

“Jay, is there anything you've ever really gone for in your life that you haven't gotten?”

“Um,” I say, not knowing quite how to answer.

“Go for it,” he demands. “Visualize your target.”

“Oh shut up, Danny.”