That Christmas Feeling (13 page)

R
ose walked across the lawn, watching the sparks sail into the sky like fairy dust. “Pretty,” she said. As she stood beside Paul, a shiver coursed through her.

“Cold?”

“A little,” she said, stepping closer to the fire. She eyed the trees not far away. “When the woods start on fire, remember I warned you.”

He laughed and slid his arm around her back, giving her an amiable squeeze. As he let go, Colin bounded toward them with Kayla on his heels.

Paul tousled their heads. “What did you learn today in school?”

“We learned about the Ojibways,” Colin said.

Kayla jigged in front of him. “We’re going on a trip to the field.”

“To the field?” He looked at Rose with a puzzled expression.

“It’s a field trip,” she said. “They’re going to the Mille Lacs Museum next week. I put the permission form on the kitchen counter.”

“A field trip. That sounds fun.” He paused, then spoke what seemed an afterthought. “Do you like the teacher? I don’t think I’ve asked.” He glanced at Rose.

“No, you haven’t,” Rose said. She saw him flinch from her biting comment. Usually she felt bad about what she said, but not today. Paul had to face responsibility.

“She’s nice,” Kayla said as she spun away.

Rose watched the children run off to search for more leaves and tried to forget her comment. The children danced around the flames like the Ojibways they’d learned about in school. Rose drew in the acrid scent of burning leaves permeating her hair and clothes. But she didn’t care. She loved the glow of the flames and the feeling of being one with nature and the joy of watching the twins.

“You’re quiet,” Paul said, closing the distance between them.

“Just thinking how peaceful it is.” She brushed a leaf from her hair.

Paul set the rake in front of him and leaned against it while she studied his face. He stared at the curling flames in silence, and Rose wondered what was on his mind.

Finally he shifted. “I’ve not only neglected the kids, Rose, but I’ve worked you overtime. I can’t thank you enough for your dedication.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Her response punctuated her situation. She had no life of her own. No friends. No coworkers. No reason for a day off. She’d made some progress at the church, but no friendships yet.

Paul rested his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Still, I owe you some time off. I’ll check with Aunt Inez and see if she could take over for an afternoon or two.”

“And take her away from her social clubs or church ladies? You can’t do that.”

Paul chuckled. “I’m sure she’d give up an afternoon. She should be happy to have us so close.”

Rose’s curiosity was piqued. “I’ve always wondered how it happens that your aunt lives in Little Cloud.”

“It’s not really a coincidence. Uncle Lucas was a big honcho with the company. In fact, he helped me get my job with them after I graduated from college. Right after he was transferred here. Aunt Inez hated it.”

“She doesn’t hate it now.”

“No, it’s been her home for many years, and she loves the place now.”

Rose could understand his aunt’s qualms. Even thinking about the cold weather that she could already feel heading their way set her on edge.

Paul shifted toward the bonfire and caught some straying leaves. “My uncle was well respected, and the company flourished, but after he died, things changed. New leadership. New ideas. I don’t know.”

“So that’s why they sent you here. Bring back a Stewart and the company will come to life again.”

“Something like that.” He reached over and brushed his hand against her cheek. “You have a decoration,” he said, reaching up to pull a leaf from her hair. He brushed it against her cheek before tossing it onto the fire.

At that moment Rose enjoyed their closeness, a kind of simple sharing that seemed so warm and intimate. She raised her eyes beyond the drifting sparks to a small twinkling diamond in the heavens and prayed life could feel this good forever.

Rose rested her palm against Kayla’s shoulder as she waited to speak with the teacher at the Bright Beginnings
Children’s Center. Colin hovered nearby, too, and Rose knew he was anxious to have her meet their teacher.

As the other parent stepped away, Miss Gladwin turned toward her with a smile. “Well, now, it’s your turn, Mrs. Stewart, eh?”

Rose opened her mouth, but before she could correct the woman, Colin spoke up. “Her name is Mrs. Danby.”

“Miss Danby,” Rose said. “Mrs. Stewart is deceased.”

“Oh.” The woman’s face took on a puzzled look, and she glanced back at the papers. “Then you are…?”

“The nanny. I care for the children while their father works.”

“Nanny?” She gave Rose a curious look. “My word, I thought you were the twins’ mother.”

Rose waited a moment for her to continue.

She didn’t.

“I need to talk with you about Kayla,” Rose said, hoping to help her recollect their previous conversation.

“What is this about, eh?” She looked at the children, then back at Rose.

Rose drew up her shoulders and eyed the twins, wishing they’d wander off and give Rose time to talk privately. “She’s shy.”

“Yes, your son…I mean, Colin mentioned that.”

“Kayla’s father would like to know how she’s doing,” Rose said, being more direct.

“Why can’t Mr. Stewart come to see me instead of—”

“The nanny?” Rose felt her hand tremble. “Mr. Stewart works long hours. He’s planning to meet you when he can find the time.” She had said more than she wanted. “I just need an answer. Is Kayla communicating with you or not?”

Miss Gladwin turned her attention toward Kayla. “Why, we get along just fine, eh?”

Kayla gave her a nod and looked at Rose with questioning eyes.

Rose felt her defenses rise. She grasped Kayla’s hand and drew her closer. “If you have any problems, please call the Stewart home. We’d be happy to do whatever you suggest.”

Miss Gladwin gave her a distracted smile while Rose grasped the children’s hands and tugged them out to the parking lot. She unlocked the minivan door, then gulped the brisk air while the children scrambled into the back and clamped their seat belts.

Collecting her thoughts, she got into the van and pulled away. Paul had said the town was different, and it was. Much of it was wonderful. She enjoyed the slower pace, but she wished she hadn’t been made to feel that she was nobody.

Paul had given her the apartment and the car. She should be grateful. Instead she felt depressed when she had to leave the cozy Victorian for her empty place. She thought of her friends back in California. She missed them. She missed the warm weather and sunshine, but when she was there she missed the twins. And she missed Paul.

She had no answer and saw no happy ending in sight.

At home the children headed outside to tug the rakes around the yard in hopes of another bonfire. The sun that had seemed warm when she entered the children’s center earlier had slipped behind a cloud, and a gray haze settled over the sky and her mood. She watched the children while her mind took her to places she didn’t want to go.

The day had dragged. Rose’s mind dwelled on her vacillating mind-set. One minute she loved being in Little
Cloud, the next she longed to go back to L.A. Her unrest had grown during her visit with Miss Gladwin, who had looked at her like some kind of usurper.

Sometime after dinner, Rose saw Kayla yawn, and looked at her watch. Bedtime again. Her heart ached for the children. She stood and wrapped her arm around Kayla.

“Time for bed,” she said, knowing she’d hear groans.

“I want to wait up for Daddy,” Colin whined.

Rose used her free hand to tousle his hair.

Kayla’s sad eyes caught Rose’s. “Me, too.”

Each time Kayla spoke to her, Rose’s chest swelled with joy. Each day Kayla had expanded her world to include Rose, and hopefully she would also include her preschool teacher.

Rose lifted an eyebrow. “I could sweep you both upstairs with the broom.”

They ducked from her grasp with giggles.

“But here’s what we’ll do,” Rose said. “Get ready for bed, then I’ll come up and tuck you in.”

Colin’s eyes narrowed. “But we want—”

“You can keep your light on, and if you hear your dad come home before you’re sleeping, you can come down to say good-night. Is that a deal?” As the word left her mouth, she cringed. Her whole life had become a deal.

The children agreed with the second plan and scampered up the stairs. She listened to the sounds above her, feeling a brief sense of completeness before it was barraged by her perplexing unhappiness.

In minutes, Rose heard the side door open, and she headed for the kitchen. When she came through the doorway, Paul stood in the middle of the room, his eyes looking tired.

His caring face triggered Rose’s emotions and the tension
of the day rushed in like a flood. The dam she’d built for the children crumbled, and the tears poured from her. She lowered her head, hoping he wouldn’t see.

“What’s wrong?” he said, dropping his briefcase on the floor and rushing to her side. “Is it the kids?”

She could only shake her head, feeling out of control and disgusted with her lack of restraint.

Paul slid his arm around her and pressed her head to his suit coat. She leaned against his firm body, holding her arms against her chest, but longing to wrap them around his protective frame. When she’d calmed enough to talk, she pulled her head away from his dampened suit jacket. “I’m sorry. When I saw you, I fell apart.”

His frightened expression tugged her back to reason. “The kids are fine. I sent them upstairs for bed.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “It’s me.”

He shook his head as if trying to make sense of her words. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. I’m depressed.”

“Daddy!” Kayla bounded into the room, followed by Colin. Both had dressed in their pajamas, and Rose could smell the minty scent of toothpaste.

As disheartened as she felt, Rose was pleased they’d done as she asked and even brushed their teeth.

Paul gave them a hug. “Daddy wants to change clothes, so come upstairs and I’ll tuck you in.” He beckoned to them, then signaled Rose. “We’ll talk later.”

She nodded, understanding what it was like to be a parent. Much of what seemed important was held for later, away from little ears.

W
hile Paul put the children to bed, Rose warmed his dinner, pondering what she should do and why she should do anything at all. The microwave buzzer sounded as Paul returned to the kitchen.

“Hungry?” she asked.

“I’m sorry I was so late tonight,” he said. “It’s been a difficult day.”

“I know. You eat, and I’ll start a fire.”

Rose left him alone and went to the living room, knowing now wasn’t the time to talk. She lit the fire in the grate, but the icy tendrils that crept through her heart couldn’t be warmed by heat. She had to leave the cozy house and head across town to her own home—rooms that didn’t seem like home at all.

Settling in front of the hearth, Rose leaned back and listened to the quiet. Soon Paul’s steps sounded in the hallway, and he appeared carrying two mugs.

“Coffee,” he said. “Yours has cream. That’s how you like it, right?”

She nodded, pleased that he remembered. Rose ac
cepted the cup and took a sip. The drink rolled across her tongue and spread an inner warmth in her chest. In silence she studied Paul’s face.

He didn’t ask questions. He ran his finger around the mug’s rim, waiting. The silence lingered, and though she wanted to talk, Rose felt empty of words.

“I don’t like seeing you this way, Rose,” Paul said. “You’ve always been so upbeat. Tell me what’s wrong?”

Rose drank in his kindness, but what could she say? She didn’t know what was wrong.

Paul sipped his coffee without prodding.

“I should be happy, but I’m…miserable.”

“Rose, I’m—I…” His words faded while he looked at her with so much concern it broke her heart.

“It’s nothing you can do,” she said. “I suppose I’m homesick. You know, the little girl goes to camp for the first time and misses her family.” The image weighed heavily on her. “Except that’s what’s wrong. All my relatives live on the East Coast. You are my family. That struck me today. If I did go back to California, I’d be going back to nothing. Sure, I have friends that I miss, but—”

He lowered his eyes. “No apartment. No job. No—”

“No future.”

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it as if he couldn’t rebut what she’d said.

Rose hadn’t intended him to feel guilty. “I talked with the teacher today.”

“How did it go? Is Kayla having problems?”

She shook her head. It wasn’t Kayla. Rose was having problems with herself, but how could she explain that? “I think she’s okay. She understands Kayla’s shy.”

Paul’s face darkened. “Something’s upset you.”

“It was silly. Nothing important.”

“It upset you, Rose, so it
is
important.”

She gave in and told him about the teacher’s reaction to her visit. “I felt useless—like I was a woman playing mother to the kids. She didn’t want me there.”

He closed the distance between them and knelt in front of her. “Rose, these people aren’t questioning you. You’re a novelty. A new face in town. A nanny. They’ve probably never heard the term except on TV. That part is probably more interesting to them than anything else.”

Rose bit her lip. “Maybe, but sometimes I think I should go back.”

“Go back? You mean to L.A?” He rose and sat beside her. “Please don’t think about that. I won’t let you.”

She felt her back stiffen. “This is a job, Paul. I can leave anytime. I have to do what’s best for me.” Though she’d made the statement, the children came into her thoughts. What was best for them?

“I suppose it is a job,” he said, looking as if he’d been slapped.

A job to her? Yes and no. The question was, what was it to him? “I didn’t mean it like that. I just—” Just what? She just wanted to be a wife and mother. She wanted…what? She looked at his handsome, worried face and knew what she wanted.

Like a movie, her life played out in her mind’s eye—past and present. But what about the future? She’d never been more content in her life than she had with Paul and the twins. She loved the kids. Life didn’t seem worthwhile without them. And Paul? She knew the answer. She was falling in love with him. But as hopeless as it was, her mind kept asking—what if?

Paul looked at Rose and waited, one hand on her arm, the other flexing with tension. What did he expect of her? She’d
given up everything to follow him, and why? What did he have to offer her? The answer: nothing.

Maybe he should encourage her to leave. If he did, he might be motivated to find a woman—a wife, someone to take care of the house and love his children. His contemplation frightened him. He sounded cold and unloving. He didn’t want a relationship like that. But what did he want?

“I’ve only been thinking about me,” she said, “and not what’s important. I need to give my problems to God.”

His heart sank at the sadness in her voice. “You’ve focused on us.” What was he doing to her? Condemning her to a life of emptiness to keep her with him as a housekeeper and nanny. Using her to make life easier for himself. Rose was a beautiful woman—charming, witty, confident.

He wanted to tell her how wonderful she was, but she wouldn’t believe him. He’d already frightened her once with his hasty proposal. Why had he been so stupid?

“You need to spend time on yourself, Rose. I know I work long hours and keep you here longer than—”

He stopped in the middle of the sentence and reeled with the awareness. Though his mind was plagued with company issues throughout the day, his deeper focus had left him longing to come home to this house and the twins. He’d set his mind on doing something for Rose, but what had happened?

She deserved to be pampered. He vowed to do what he could to bring a smile to Rose’s face, to make her eyes light up and to make her move to Little Cloud worthwhile.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I feel better now.”

He tilted her chin upward and looked into her eyes. “I want you to feel the best, Rose, not just better.” Paul let his gaze linger on her mouth, compelled by an unexpected urge. Confused, he redirected his thoughts. Apparently he’d been without a woman too long.

Paul closed his eyes, wondering what had gotten into him. He’d never survive this deal he’d made unless he stopped looking at Rose as a woman.

“It’s Daddy!” Kayla called.

The children darted from the living room while Rose held a print of an oil painting, trying to decide where it would look best. If she were honest, she’d admit she didn’t like the painting, but this wasn’t her house.

Paul came through the doorway with the twins tagging beside him, both talking at once. “Let me catch my breath.” He plopped into the recliner, and his eyes widened. “What’s happened in here?”

“Unpacking boxes,” she said. “I thought it was time this room looked like a home.”

“Looks good.” His gaze traveled the room, then focused on the kids.

The pleasure in his face warmed Rose, and she sat on the edge of the sofa. Still holding the painting, she let the children tell their stories.

“What’s up? Have you been helping Rose?”

Kayla’s head bounced like a rubber ball. “We picked out border and paint.”

Paul gave Rose another questioning look. “Border and paint?”

“For their rooms,” Rose said. “I’m going to paint during the week, and maybe on the weekend we can get the border up.”

“Border and paint,” he repeated. “Sounds like an exciting weekend.” He gave her a teasing wink.

“We’ll show it to you,” Kayla said. The twins scampered from the room, leaving a moment of silence.

“I unpacked the boxes that were in the dining room. The
photographs of the kids and…your wife are on the built-in shelves. I hope that’s what you wanted.”

Paul rose and ambled across the room, his gaze scanning the work that she’d done. “It looks good, Rose.” He lifted the photograph of Della and looked at it a moment, then turned to her. “I think I’ll give this to Kayla, and I have one in my room for Colin.” He laid the framed photo facedown. “I think it’s time—”

“Changes are good in a new house,” Rose said, hoping to ease the tension. She lifted the painting. “I hung some of the artwork, but I wasn’t sure about this one.”

He shook his head. “I never liked that piece. Della wanted it. Let’s just put it away. I hear there’s an autumn art and craft show in a couple of weeks. Maybe we could find something new for that wall.”

“I’d be happy to look,” she said. Change was difficult, but it could be positive. It could turn life from status quo to innovative. She’d had a big taste of that lately.

Paul moved closer, his hands in his pockets. “I’m trying to get my time regulated at work. I don’t want to spend every weekend glued to my office chair, and I don’t want to disappoint the kids. Count on me for the weekend.”

Rose opened her mouth, but her words were drowned by the kids’ chatter as they ran into the room dragging the borders, which trailed dangerously under their feet. She watched the exuberance of the twins as they described plans for their bedrooms. Paul slowed them to a walk, and Rose sank into the sofa, her heart full.

Paul stood in Colin’s bedroom, reading the instructions on hanging the border. It seemed simple enough. He felt guilty having dumped the painting job totally on Rose. She’d done a good job. He gazed at the soft-blue room that coor
dinated with the race-car border Colin had chosen. Kayla’s room was as pink as her cheeks. She’d picked a design of pink hearts with a smattering of pastel flowers. Rose had guided them well.

The door banged below—Rose had come home from church. His pulse gave a jolt. Too much coffee, he speculated. He set the border on Colin’s bed and descended the stairs. The children had already met her in the kitchen, and he could hear them whining about lunch. Paul winced. He could have at least taken care of that. He’d become too job focused. The promise he’d made to pamper Rose had slid from his thoughts.

When he came through the doorway he expected a sharp look from Rose for messing up yesterday by working another Saturday. Instead, she smiled.

“How was church?” he asked.

“Nice.”

He wanted to ask more, but her attention turned to other things. She slipped off her jacket, laid her handbag on the counter and began making lunch.

“I’m getting everything ready to put up the borders. Okay?” he asked.

A look of surprise brightened her face. “Sure, if you don’t mind helping.”

He wanted to hug her. “I should have helped you with the painting. I’ll make up for it today.”

He hurried away, gathering ladders and water containers to use for dipping the prepasted paper. When he had everything assembled, Rose came up the stairs with a sandwich on a paper plate. She’d thought of him again.

“Thanks. I should have made lunch for the kids.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Let me change, and then we can decide who does what.”

It wasn’t okay at all, but he turned his attention to the task and reread the instructions.

Rose returned wearing jeans and a pullover. She stood inside the doorway and leaned against the doorjamb. Though twenty-seven, she looked like a teenager with her slender figure and her hair in a gentle curve at her jawline. The sun’s rays shining through the window touched her tawny locks with golden highlights. She seemed as fresh and dewy as her name. He felt old at thirty-one.

“Ready?” he asked. As the question left him, two sets of feet thumped in the hallway, and the twins came into the room.

“Can we help?” Colin asked.

Paul looked at Rose for the answer.

“Good idea,” she said. “How about the men hang their border in this room while Kayla and I take care of hers.”

“Like a contest?” Kayla asked.

Rose gave Kayla a one-arm hug. “Why not? Last one finished cooks dinner.”

“Okay,” Paul said, wanting to squelch the idea. Still, he was taller. Hanging border would be a snap.

As Kayla and Rose darted from the room, Paul looked at the wall and drew in a breath. If Rose could do it, he could. “Okay, Colin. Let’s get to work.”

He looked at his young son and wondered how the two of them were going to hang the border way up there.

Rose closed the bedroom door, anticipating their task. Border at the top of the wall seemed impossible.

“What can I do?” Kayla asked, her cheeks rosy and her eyes wide.

You can give me a huge hug, Rose thought, gazing at
the sweet child. In the past days, Kayla had forgotten not to talk. She’d opened like a blossom in spring.

An idea struck Rose. “Here’s my idea. Let’s put the border here.” She held the border at the same height as the chair railing. Kayla would enjoy it at eye level.

“Okay, and I can see it lower,” Kayla said.

They became a team. Rose used a yardstick to mark the height, and when she finished, Kayla dipped the border into the water and held an end while Rose smoothed it along the wall. In an hour the job was done, and they crossed the hallway. When Rose pushed open the door, she laughed.

Paul stood on the ladder with border draped over his shoulder. His jeans and shirt were soaked and glue clung to his cheek. He’d finished only one side of the room.

“We’re finished,” she said from the doorway.

He spun around gaping. “Finished?”

Kayla clapped her hands and crunched down with her giggles. “You look silly, Daddy.”

He climbed down the ladder with an expression of disbelief. He pulled the border from his neck and grasped her shoulders with both hands, moving her ahead of him.

When they entered the room, he stopped cold. “You cheated. I thought it had to be on top.”

“I didn’t tell you where it had to go.” She reached up and brushed the gob of paste from his cheek while the children clustered at his sides. “Paste,” Rose said, holding up her finger to show him the evidence.

“Looks good. You two did a good job, but if you want to eat dinner tonight, I need some help,” he said.

She acquiesced, happy to spend the time with him working on the project.

The twins became bored and wandered away. Rose climbed the ladder while Paul used the one from Kayla’s
bedroom. Their conversation rolled like that of old friends as they smoothed and dipped, adding each long stretch of border until the end was in sight. One final swipe of the cloth to smooth the last piece, and Rose descended the ladder.