The Abyss (9 page)

This marriage proposal was different than the last one. He was quiet for a while, looking out at the garden from the verandah while Clara seemed to sense that he wanted to say something, and waited for him to speak.

Then he said, "I asked you to be my wife before. I do not resent that you refused me then─ I understand." He stopped and seemed to reflect before he proceeded. "I have come on the same mission and with the same offer, this time made by a man with the means to keep his wife as she deserves, and solve her troubles rather than adding to them."

"Oh, Gabriel!" Clara said softly, and her eyes filled quickly with tears.

He held one hand up, frowning. "You must know, however, that the life I have led has made it difficult for me to act with an open heart. I shall not seek or desire other people’s company. I could live and die as I am now, if it were not…” He stopped, and then he added, his face softening as he looked at her, “If it were not that I love you─ if it were not that I long to have you with me."

She was weeping now, with happiness, and it was hard for him not to touch her, but he must finish what he had to say, "I beg you to think that you shall be everything to me and I shall give myself to you completely. Think what it means to accept such a charge, because I have thought of it. To love and be loved is not just a privilege and a pleasure, it is also a burden."

"It doesn't matter what it is," Clara had replied, her face bathed in tears, her eyes tender and joyful at once. "I know even better than I did before that I can do nothing but love you, whatever it means, whatever comes."

The warning voice had not left his head, and he wondered if she understood him. But she had known troubles as well, and her abandon was such that he could no longer hold back. He said, taking her by the hand, "Then I ask you again, will you be my wife?"

"More than a thousand 
contos
!" Juliana exclaimed, her eyes as big as saucers, her smile ecstatic.

Her thin frame seemed to vibrate with energy and triumph. "You will be rich beyond our expectations," she told Clara. "Aren't you happy you waited, he is much richer now than if he had remained just the second son of the Marquis!"

"I am happy I waited," Clara said calmly, "because I love him more than ever. I have learned the value of titles and money, and it's nothing."

"What an absurd thing to say!" Juliana frowned, shaking her head. "You should unlearn such nonsense immediately. You are about to become a married woman, you will have children. Do you want them to know what it's like to have a head full of lice and no food?"

Juliana made the sign of the cross furiously three times, as if to avert such a possibility. But she was too happy to let her daughter's foolishness spoil things, and added, "Gabriel will accept a title eventually. His Highness will offer one again, considering all the money your betrothed gives him, and he will feel obliged to accept. Mark my words: no one is stubborn forever, and deep down it's what he longs for, to spite his father!"

The wedding was to take place three months after the proposal, the time Gabriel needed to prepare his house for Clara. In the meantime he showed her the old mansion of a rich gold merchant where he had been living in Rio. They would spend time there after the wedding, and then travel on to his estate.

As Juliana walked behind them inspecting the carpets, the furniture and the silver, Clara ran to the beautiful terrace overlooking the bay and the forest.

"I think," she said, moving out of her mother's sight, "that much as I like Rio, we had better stay as far away as possible."

There was a naughty smile on her face, and Gabriel pulled her to him, and for the first time he kissed her. It was a pressure of lips to lips that sent her heart thumping almost painfully.

He smells good
, she thought.
His lips feel nice.

They moved apart as they heard Juliana's determined heels on the wooden floors, and their first brief moment of intimacy was over.

"You will be married!" Paula exclaimed at her house over tea. "And to such a handsome man! I am so glad you will have your heart's desire! If anyone in the whole world deserves it, it's you!"

Clara put her head on her friend's shoulder. "If you knew how happy I am! I am so happy that I am scared, and don't like to talk about it!"

"You are like the Africans, thinking that some god will take things away from you if you don't pretend to be miserable!" Paula laughed. "We don't believe in a God so fickle, do we? You have had your share of trouble, and now you can rejoice!"

But as the preparations for the wedding went on and Gabriel returned to his land to furnish his house, Clara grew more superstitious. She often prayed under her breath, because she had become aware of the misery of too many people. The Market of Valongo and its terrible cruelty were still fresh on her mind, and the life of slaves and the poor were a great contrast to the one she was about to begin.

The weeks passed in an excruciatingly slow way, and finally the day of the wedding arrived.

The night before, as she sat in bed after praying, Clara was filled with a mixture of happiness and anxiety. She was to be married in the Church of Nossa Senhora da Gloria, which was almost a hundred years old and the favorite place of devotion for the mad queen and the pious prince.

As she could not sleep, Clara got up for the third time to look at her dress and caress her satin shoes. Juliana walked in with a determined look on her face and made her daughter sit down, sighing as if under the weight of the whole world.

"
Minha filha,
 it is the duty of a mother to speak of certain things. I must speak of what you may expect in your marriage, and especially tomorrow night."

Clara thought that she would prefer not to know, at least not from her mother. She was anxious enough about what the next night would hold in store for her, and had spent a great deal of time thinking about it. Her education in a convent and at home had done nothing to prepare her for life. She had only received the constant warning that men were terrible creatures, and she should never be alone with one.

But Gabriel's kiss had been so sweet!

"You will have a cross to carry," Juliana managed to say after a moment, looking heavenwards. "But you will be able to bear it, my dear."

She patted her daughter's hand with real sympathy.

Clara managed to ask, in a small voice, "Is it so awful?"

"It's a thing we must bear!" her mother repeated. "For the sake of having children. The children will make it all worth it!" Juliana stopped, looking for words. "It is a burden for any decent woman, but you must not avoid it, or he will find someone else! Men need it desperately, sometimes every day!"

Every day, something terrible! Or he would find another!

"Just keep your nightgown on!" Juliana added with her eyes open very wide. "He will want to see you, that is how men are, but your nakedness will only encourage him. You will find it a curse to be so beautiful. Once they start, they never want to stop!"

Clara hardly slept for a second that night, wondering in what ways exactly things would be awful. She wished she could run to Paula and ask her, but it was too late. It sounded as if her marriage bed would be a place of martyrdom!

However, morning came, and she must be ready; there was no time to think of anything.

When she had donned her white dress with satin stitching and silver embroidery, her white satin shoes and a dazzling lace mantilla, she thought that she was ready and needed nothing else, but her father entered with his hands behind his back.

"Minha linda!"
 he exclaimed upon seeing her. 
My beautiful girl. 
His eyes had tears in them and Clara opened hers wide and looked up to avoid crying and spoiling her face.

Pedro kissed her, then brought his hands forward with a box in them.

"
Pai,
 what is it?" Clara could tell the box contained a jewel. "Don't tell me you spent your money?"

"I didn't; your future husband did!"

Pedro opened the box to reveal a tiara worthy of an empress, set with the most beautiful rubies and diamonds Clara had ever seen. The tiara sparkled in its case as if it had a life of its own.

"Oh!" Juliana exclaimed, advancing to get it, but Clara took it first. There was a note with it, and she turned it around to read it.

"
Meu amor,
I suspect that, as many women about to be married, you shall wear white. You ought to have a spot of color, and during all the years I longed to kiss your red lips, I thought that rubies should be your stone. I shall be waiting to see you. G."

An hour later Clara drew gasps of admiration as she entered the old Baroque church with scintillating rubies holding her mantilla in place. She could not help showing all her happiness as Gabriel took her hand and they turned to the priest. She believed in every word that united them, because she knew beyond a doubt that they both meant them. She would be his wife and love him, through happiness and sorrow.

 They walked out to a very beautiful winter day, to a balmy breeze coming from the blue sea in front of them, to flowers being thrown on their wake and bells ringing. It was ten in the morning, and they were husband and wife.

There was a reception at Gabriel's rented house, with much of the court present because of who the groom still was, though he had never sought reconciliation with his father. The prince, who had not been at the wedding, came to congratulate them.

Clara stepped seamlessly into her role of married woman, and went around the different rooms greeting people. Gabriel, however, had disappeared, and she found him in the terrace.

"Hiding from everyone?" she asked with a smile.

"From everyone but you!" he said, and put his hands around her waist.

"Look at it," she said laying her head on his shoulder and motioning toward the deep green forest and the sea. "A new life for us, in a new world!"

He looked inside at all the people talking, drinking, moving, "At the moment it looks very much like the old one!"

She laughed. "My burden starts early, then, I have to make sure no one leaves here wishing us ill!”

“What do we care?” he asked, holding her close. “Let them think what they will, we don’t need them!”

He pulled her out of sight and kissed her again.

"We will be rid of them soon enough," she whispered, trying to quell a sudden anxiety. She wanted everyone to leave and feared what was to happen at the same time.

The guests left by late afternoon, and she was finally alone with her husband, except for the servants. Teresa undressed her in a bedroom she had never seen before, and she slipped into her nightgown.

Clara's heart was by then beating so hard she thought it might leap out of her chest. Teresa was unmarried, or she would have grasped her by the arm and asked how much whatever was about to happen would hurt.

Gabriel knocked on the door and came in, telling Teresa to go. He was wearing breeches and a white shirt with his cravat still on. She suddenly saw him as a stranger, as someone she didn't know at all. He was approaching her with a quiet but intense look.

His hand moved toward her hair and she gasped. "Will you allow me?" he asked.

Clara only nodded, unable to speak. Only that morning it had not been possible for her to be alone with him, and now he could touch her. He took the pins out of her hair, and her heavy tresses started coming down, until her hair was loose, falling to her waist. Gabriel pulled her to him by the wrist, and put his arms around her.

He will kiss me,
 she thought. 
He has kissed me before, maybe that is all that will happen.

She closed her eyes as his lips covered hers. Oh, it felt nice, like before. But suddenly he parted her lips and his tongue invaded her mouth. She stepped back and shrieked, "Gabriel!"

Her eyes were almost jumping out of their sockets. 
What was he doing?

There was a second of surprise from him, and then amusement settled on his face. "That is how married people kiss, you know."

"
O quê?
 I have never heard such a thing!"

He was looking down at his shoes to hide his smile. "I don't think you have heard much."

"I... I... My mother tried to..."

He looked back at her from under his brows now, still smiling. "Your mother! I can only imagine…"

"But Gabriel, why would people kiss like that?" she asked.

"Because it feels nice," he replied.

Clara had begun to tremble and her hand went to her robe, which she gathered around her neck. He took a step forward and she took one back.

He stopped, then he motioned politely towards the bed. "Why don't we sit down for a moment?"

She avoided the bed and walked to the sofa, perching there. He followed, and sat next to her.

"My darling, I don't want you in this state of anguish," he told her. "It will be terrible for both of us. What if I promise not to do anything at all that you don't want?"

"Ever?"

"Ever," he confirmed.

"Then how will we have children?" she asked in agony.

There was a secret smile on his face now. "I still promise you that I shall do nothing that you don't like."

She breathed, thinking that she would never like anything. If a kiss could be so terrible, then what was in store next? Perhaps she could pretend to accept his offer so they would at least get used to each other ─ or, rather, so that she could get used to him ─ and then, after a few days, or maybe a month, they could do whatever it was they needed to do.

It would not be so unnerving then, though she almost felt that it was better to just do everything now and know the worst.

Still clutching her robe she said, "All right, perhaps if we can go slowly." She tried to smile at him. "I'm an old maid, you know!"

He laughed, "So you are! The most beautiful old maid in the world." He reached out and took a lock of her hair between his fingers. "For now I have managed to see you with your hair down, and I shall count it as a victory!"

Standing up, he offered his hand to her. "Let's go to bed. We can sleep on the same bed, can we not? I am afraid I don't have a sword here to separate us, but you have my word."

Clara put her hand in his and stood up, then she ran to the bed, still in her robe, jumped in, and covered herself. She could hear him laughing. In the mirror she saw that he was taking off his cravat, then unbuttoning his shirt. She shut her eyes very tightly, frightened of opening them and seeing him naked. But she heard him moving to another room and coming back a few minutes later, and felt his weight on the mattress as he got in next to her.

When she opened her eyes, she saw that he was only wearing light cotton trousers, and that his chest was naked. She would have shut her eyes again, if it weren't for the scar across his neck, which had always been hidden by the cravat.