The Academy (32 page)

“Hurts, North,” I groaned. “Everything
hurts
. Need…need to catch my breath.”

“You can catch it from higher ground.” He yanked on my arm again. “Come on, there’s another one coming up fast. Unless you’ve suddenly learned to breathe underwater, you need to get up.”

Groaning, I staggered to my feet. My left side—the side that had been rammed against the breakwall—ached and stung at the same time. My lungs still felt half full of water and I was so exhausted I could barely move.

North couldn’t have been feeling much better than me. After all, he’d exerted a lot more energy than I had, towing me in. But he pulled at me tirelessly across the shifting sands to the steep stairway cut into the rocks.

It was a climb I had made dozens of times since coming to stay with him and yet now I could barely make myself put one foot in front of the other. Twice I stumbled and would have fallen if North hadn’t held and steadied me. Once I had to stop and retch, but only a little seawater came out. I was thankful we hadn’t stopped for breakfast before our morning swim. I couldn’t imagine going through what we had just experienced on an uncomfortably full stomach.

I don’t know how, but somehow we finally made it to the top. “All right,” North said. “It’s safe. The tide never reaches this high.”

“Good,” I whispered and collapsed.

North was beside me at once, holding my head in his lap and looking down at me anxiously. “Kris? Are you all right?”

“Fine.” I made an effort to get up but I couldn’t quite manage it and had to content myself with just lying there, my head resting on his thigh. “I mean, I will be…in a minute,” I added and coughed out some more water.

“I’m so sorry.” North had a remorseful expression on his face. “I was so stupid, insisting that we go swimming. I thought we had an hour at least before the swells came in.”

I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have swum out so far. You tried to warn me but I wouldn’t listen.”

“I shouldn’t have
let
you swim so far.” North was obviously still intent on taking the blame on himself. “But I’ve never seen the swells come in that early before. Or that big—those waves were monsters!”

“You’re not kidding,” I whispered and coughed again. It was a deep, wracking cough that seemed to come from the base of my lungs. The violent motion tore at my wounded side and I cried out and grabbed at myself, trying to keep my body from breaking into a million shards of pain.

“You’re hurt, aren’t you?” North bent over me, his face concerned. “Is it the side that got smashed against the breakwall?”

I nodded and coughed again, still clutching at my side. God, would this never be over?

“Let me see.” North’s fingers probed delicately at my side, as though feeling for broken bones. “Do you feel like anything sharp is stabbing you from inside?” he asked anxiously. “Because that could mean a fractured rib.”

I shook my head. “I had a sharp…sharp pain when I first hit the wall. But now it just burns.”

“Burns? What do you mean?” His fingers started to creep up, under my sodden shirt. “Where does it burn?”

“Stop!” I suddenly found the strength to pull away from him. I hadn’t risked my life to keep my secret, while pinned against the breakwall, only to have him discover it now.

“Why should I stop? You need to let me see,” North insisted.

“I’m fine!” I scooted away from him.

“You are not—look!” He held out his hand to me and I saw that the fingertips were bloody.

My blood,
I thought sickly.
I’m bleeding.

“You’re bleeding,” North said, echoing my thoughts. “Now pull up that stupid shirt and let me have a look, Kris.”

“
No.”
I shook my head emphatically and scooted farther away from him.

North first looked hurt, then angry. “Don’t you think you’re taking this whole Victorian modesty thing too far? Or is it just that you’re ashamed to let me see you?”

I crossed my arms over my chest protectively. “Neither. I just…I can look at it myself. When we get back to the house.”

“I think you’re ashamed of something,” North said softly. “Look, Kris, before Jamie died, his body was pretty twisted up by the cancer, so I’ve seen some pretty bad things.”

“What are you saying?” I said, still keeping my distance.

“I’m saying that no matter what you’re hiding under that shirt, you don’t have to be ashamed for me to see it.” North’s voice was soft and coaxing. “It won’t make me feel any differently about you, I swear. Please, Kris…trust me.”

How I wished I could! But the dream was still with me—the figure of Kristopher with his empty eyes and bloody stump rose before me and I couldn’t.

“I’m sorry, North,” I said. “I want to but I can’t.”

The tender look in his eyes faded to be replaced by a cold and steely glint. “That’s really how you feel? After everything I told you yesterday? After everything we’ve been through together? I trusted
you
, you know. Trusted you a hell of a lot.”

“I know and I’m
sorry,”
I said again, feeling wretched. It was woefully inadequate but I didn’t know what else to say.

North rose to his feet and ran a hand through his wet hair. “Maybe this was all a mistake.”

“What was?” My heart was pounding in my throat, making it hard to swallow or talk.

“This…all of it. Us.” He gestured at me. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you everything I told you yesterday, Kris? Not just about Jamie. About how I feel for you…for another guy?” He shook his head. “I was afraid you would throw my words back in my face. But no. You said…” He lowered his voice and looked at me. “You said you felt the same.”

“I did,” I whispered, choking on the words. “I
do.
Oh, North…”

“If you really felt for me what I feel for you, you’d
trust
me. I…” He ran a hand through his hair. “Damn it, I bared my soul to you yesterday, Kris.
Twice
. And just now we nearly died out there by the breakwall because you couldn’t even take your shirt off in front of me. Are you beginning to see the disparity?”

I saw it all right. But there was nothing I could do about it. Miserably, I nodded.

North took a deep breath, as though steeling himself to say something difficult. “I’m sorry, Kris, but until you can show me what you’re hiding, until you can trust me the way I trusted you, I don’t think I can do this. I think maybe…maybe we should just go back to being friends and roommates and nothing more.”

It was exactly what I had been aiming for—the words I had been too cowardly to say myself. And yet, hearing them from his lips felt like a knife in my gut.

“All right,” I heard myself whisper, though I don’t know where I got the strength to form the words.

North looked sad. “You’re really not going to tell me or show me? You’re going to give up on us—just like that?”

“You’re the one who’s giving up,” I said dully. “Not that I blame you.” I fumbled at my ear, the one pierced with his silver and onyx stud. “Here, I’ll give you this back.”

“No, keep it.” North’s mouth thinned down to a bloodless line and he shook his head. “I want you to have it…to remember.”

“As if I could ever forget.”

North gave me a long look. “Come on. Let’s get back to the house so you can examine your injuries in
private
.” The word sounded bitter coming from his lips. “Although I warn you,” he continued, “If you pass out and start hemorrhaging all over the place I’m going to rip off that damn shirt and examine you myself. So you’d better stay alert if you want to keep whatever it is you’re hiding to yourself.”

I nodded, having nothing else to say.

North was apparently all talked out too. Turning, he led the way down the rocky path to his house. Clutching my wounded side with my arms, I stumbled after him.

Lost. I’ve lost him,
whispered a voice in my head and I knew it was true.

Though my side ached and throbbed with every step, it didn’t hurt nearly as much as my heart.

“So how was your Winter Break? A little bird told me that you and North spent it together.” Wilkenson hooked his arm through mine as we walked down the long hallway of the science building together.

I winced as his arm brushed my wounded side. The blood North had seen on the beach had been from some scratches I’d gotten from the sea thorns. They were almost healed already, but the blue and purple bruises which had bloomed under my skin from the impact with the breakwall were still tender and painful.

“
I’m
the one who told you I was spending the break with North,” I reminded Wilkenson testily. “It’s not like it’s a big secret.”

“No, I guess not.” He sighed. “I was just hoping to get some dirt. Did you two have a
good time?”
He raised one white-blond eyebrow at me significantly and I knew exactly what he was asking.

“I had a lovely visit,” I said dully. “His parents are very nice and his home is beautiful.”

Wilkenson frowned. “Then why are you so down in the dumps, my darling manikin? You spent your Winter Break in paradise with a god—you ought to be ecstatic. Unless…” He peered at me closely. “Unless there’s trouble between you and the Ice Prince.”

“We’re fine,” I said stoically. “We’re friends and roommates. What else do you want?”

Wilkenson shook his head and made a
tsk
ing sound. “Oh no, my dear. I think the question is, what do
you
want?”

The answer to that was easy—I wanted North back. Ever since our words on the beach he had been cool and distant. We had taken the shuttle back to the Academy in silence and had gotten in just before DLO. North said nothing but when I took my pajamas and went to change in the closet as usual, I felt his eyes on me, both angry and reproachful. He hadn’t even asked if I wanted him to set the alarm to get up for my three AM shower and I hadn’t reminded him of it either. I supposed that I would have to find a new way to get clean—or maybe just sneak out on my own. It was risky, but what else could I do?

Today, the first day back to classes, North had been polite but nothing more—just as he had been the entire time he was trying to come to terms with his initial feelings for me, the semester before. Only this time it was worse. Worse because now I knew how wonderful it could be to be loved by him. To be held in his arms. But I was afraid I would never have that pleasure again—not unless I revealed my secret and maybe not even then. After all, how angry would North be when he found out he’d been duped? Would he ever want to be with me again?

I thought it was highly doubtful. Still, I would have been willing to give it a try if I could have gotten hold of Kristopher on his mobile to get his blessing. But the few calls I had placed at the station before we took the shuttle back to Athena had gone unanswered. I knew that Kristopher was out of reach physically but I had hoped to at least connect with him over the vid-screen. The fact that I couldn’t reach my beloved twin brother made me feel more abandoned than anything else. If only I could talk to him, explain about North and get his blessing to—

“Well, since you don’t seem to have an answer to my little question, how about a new piece of juicy gossip to lift your spirits?” Wilkenson said, interrupting my internal diatribe of misery.

“What?” I asked dully. “I don’t care how juicy it is. I doubt it’s going to make me feel any better.”

“Oh, I think it might.” Wilkenson gave me a sly grin. “Guess who got expelled?”

“Who?” I asked dutifully, though I didn’t really care.

“None other than your friendly neighborhood bully, Broward.” Wilkenson beamed at me. “That’s right—apparently he was caught cheating on one of his midterms and this time the headmaster refused to stand for it!”

“Really?” To my surprise, the news really
did
make me feel better. Having the constant threat of Broward removed felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

“Really,” Wilkenson confirmed. “They were trying to hush it all up before we went away on break but it’s coming out now in little trickles.” He looked at me closely. “The same way the fact that you and North are a couple came out, actually.”