The Actor and the Earl (25 page)

“
D
ID
you hear what I said?” asked Claire.

Sebastian looked up from his supper plate, his mind trapped in the same cycle of thoughts involving Anthony. The constant battle of whether he should or shouldn’t forgive and forget. “Sorry, I’m a mile away.”

With an exasperated sigh, Claire repeated her question. “I asked if you had heard further from Anthony.”

Sebastian shook his head. “Not since the theater. He agreed to wait, and he is being good to his word.”

“And how long will you make him wait, Cousin? Do you intend to make him suffer all through Christmas into the new year?”

Sebastian poked the meat on his plate with his knife. Nothing tasted right at the moment. Even the best cutlets were like lumps of unappetizing leather. “I do not know what I’ll do. On the one hand, I know he is sorry; on the other, he is always sorry about something. It’s normal for him to act first then seek forgiveness—and I am not sure I can face a lifetime of that sort of behavior.”

“But has he ever gone to such lengths to be granted forgiveness before?” asked Claire, and Sebastian knew what she was alluding to. “A man like Anthony Crofton does not ask for forgiveness in the way he has done without being truly sorry.”

Sebastian lifted his gaze from his plate and looked at her. “You think I should return to Crofton Hall?”

“What do you think you should do?”

Claire clicked her tongue but did not press him when he didn’t answer. “I travel to my father’s estate tomorrow for Christmas. Do you intend to join us, or will you remain here?”

“The theater is only closed for Christmas Day. I have not asked to take leave that would allow me time to travel away from London.”

“Then maybe you should. Or even better, stop haunting this house and do something that will make you happy.”

Sebastian slammed his knife down on the table. “And what if I’m wrong? What if I choose what I think I want now and it ends up in more heartache and bitterness?”

“Better to have tried than to have stayed here and bemoaned a love that you lost without trying to fight for it,” said Claire, sounding almost angry.

“And what do you know of love?” Sebastian spat back.

“I know enough to see that you are in love, Sebastian. Anthony has done all he can to convince you of his feelings and that he is sorry. If that is not enough, then so be it, but do not torture both yourself and him if you’ve decided that, no matter what he does, you’ll never be able to forgive him.”

“Do not presume to lecture me, Claire.” Sebastian stood up. “This is not just my heart, but my life and my head!”

“If your real concern was your head, then you would’ve already made up your mind and told Anthony to go to hell! You are scared, scared to try, and the one thing I thought I did know about you, Sebastian, was that you were not a coward. But it appears I was mistaken.”

Unwilling to listen to any more of what Claire had to say, Sebastian stormed out of the dining room, slamming doors as he went. Back in his room, he lit a candle. Foolishly, he thought he could silence the turmoil of his feelings, but Sebastian was unable to sit still, and he paced the floor, mind reeling at the barrage of thoughts that assaulted him. Claire’s words had added a new layer to the confusion he was already mired in.

Sebastian extinguished the candle, threw himself onto the bed, and stared up into the dark. Sleep was elusive, and he lay there, tossing and turning as his mind worked through every scenario of what would happen if he chose to return to Crofton Hall or decided to stay in London. Time and time again, Sebastian found an excuse not to go back to Anthony, only to think of something else to impede him from staying in the city. But in the end, everything boiled down to whether what he felt for Anthony was enough to risk going back to Crofton Hall.

Eventually, the sounds of London waking and the light of sunrise accompanied Sebastian’s hard-won decision.

Sebastian padded down the corridor and knocked on Claire’s door. “It’s me,” he whispered. “Open the door.”

A few moments later, he heard a bolt draw across, and the door opened. She peered out at him. “I trust a night’s sleep has put you in a better mood, Cousin?”

“I have made my choice. Give me back my wedding ring.”

Claire threw open the door and embraced him, her delight evident in the force of her actions. “Oh, Sebastian, I am happy for you.”

Claire let him go, and Sebastian watched as she unlocked a leather-covered box that sat on her bedside table and retrieved his wedding ring.

“Thank you for everything,” he said as he took the gold band and slid it onto the ring finger of his left hand. “Your tongue might be sharp, Claire, but it said what I needed to hear.”

“Now go. You’ll need a horse to get to Crofton Hall,” she said, pressing a number of coins into his hand. “And I will see you soon—hopefully as a guest of Earl and Lady Crofton, who will shortly host an official meeting between the son of Lord Ashton and myself.”

“Consider it done, Cousin.” He kissed her cheek. “Will you have the
Golden Hind
sent on?”

She laughed. “Of course!”

Sebastian returned to his room, collecting his meager possessions, including the box with the ring Anthony had gifted him and the sonnets. Wrapped in his cloak, he raced downstairs and out of the townhouse.

The streets were already crowded, and given it was Christmas Eve, that was unsurprising. Sebastian found it difficult to move through the narrow street at any real speed and had to apologize to several people he knocked into, receiving an ear-lashing from an old woman whose stack of parcels he’d sent flying.

David was at the theater when Sebastian finally arrived, and while he was unhappy that Sebastian was leaving, there was nothing David could do to make him stay. There had been a time when the opportunity to audition for the next play could have swayed Sebastian’s mind, but no longer, and when David realized that Sebastian was going to refuse whatever he offered, he wished Sebastian luck and waved him on his way.

It took even longer to reach the horsecourser on the north side of London Bridge, the crowds and traffic having swelled as the morning had progressed. There were only a few horses left by the time he arrived, and there was little room for negotiation on the price, but Claire had given him enough coin to buy him a horse capable of getting him back to Crofton Hall. Sebastian doubted he’d bought the best horse he could for his money, but he didn’t care. She would be fast enough for what he needed, and her temperament was close to docile. By midday he was heading out of the city and back to Anthony.

The journey gave him time to think, to decide on how to announce himself at Crofton Hall. He wanted Anthony to know he was there for good, wanted to make a statement that Anthony was his, or at least Bronwyn’s, in the eyes of any onlooker. The weather turned at about halfway to the hall, and the crisp, dry day vanished between sheets of icy rain, making Sebastian slow down due to the poor visibility and the conditions underfoot.

Sebastian wasn’t prepared for his reaction at seeing Crofton Hall again. The burst of joy as it came into view was unexpected, but he realized belatedly that the hall had become his home, whereas the London townhouse was nothing more than a place to sleep. Taking the longer route that led around the back of the property, Sebastian hoped to get to the stables without being seen from the house. He dismounted and led the horse up the path to the stables, looking for an empty stall. The stables were nearly full, and judging by of the number of carriages also lined up, Anthony had more guests than Sebastian had ever seen at the hall before.

A groom ran up to him, taking the reins Sebastian handed over. “Back for Christmas, sir?” he asked. “I suspect Star will be glad to see you back for a visit. She’s been off her oats of late.”

“Good to know that someone’s missed me,” he replied with a laugh. “But I am only here briefly to see my sister before I head to friends for the holiday.”

With so many guests, Anthony was bound to be occupied, and that would work well for the plan Sebastian had in mind. He crept into the hall by one of the side entrances that was midpoint between the kitchens and the great hall. Apart from polite curtseys from the maids that passed him, no one made any comment about Sebastian being back. The staff was too busy running after the guests to consider his reappearance too deeply. However, there was one person’s help Sebastian needed to make his plan succeed. But he would need to find her first.

Sebastian stopped one girl as she scurried by with her arms full of bed linen. “Could you have Miriam sent to Lady Bronwyn’s room?”

“Yes, sir,” was her short reply, eager to be back about her duties.

Taking the back stairs, Sebastian reached the second floor without being stopped. Passing across the gallery, he heard laughter and the chatter of voices coming from below, so he kept as close to the wall as possible to make sure he could not be seen. And moments later, he stood outside of Bronwyn’s room.

Miriam rounded the corner, and almost tripped over when she spotted him. She smiled widely, and Sebastian could tell she was trying to hold back her exuberance at seeing him as she fished out the key to the room from the folds of her skirts.

The door unlocked, Sebastian was hustled inside, and Miriam quickly shut the door behind her. “Oh, Sebastian, you do not know how good it is to see you!”

Sebastian found himself enveloped in her arms as Miriam squeezed him tightly. Finally, she freed him and held him at arm’s length, as if checking to see it was really him and he still had all his limbs in the correct places.

“I thought it was time to come home,” Sebastian told her softly.

“Anthony will be elated. He’s been so forlorn since you disappeared, like a wounded pup. I’ve never seen him like it.”

“I had to go,” he said, not wanting to discuss the reason for his leaving with her. “But I’m back now.”

Miriam made a happy humming noise. “I take it he doesn’t know you’re here yet.”

“No—I want to make an entrance. It’s time for Lady Crofton to return.”

“Right, then we’ll need to get you changed. And as soon as possible, so you can arrive at the start of the Christmas Eve feast. Get out of those clothes. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Sebastian took off his cloak and shoes. From his duffle, he removed the wooden box and placed it on the nightstand by the bed. Being bossed around by Miriam made Sebastian feel as if he’d never been away, and he thought himself ridiculous for sporting the wide smile her fussing had caused. She returned a few minutes later with a water jug, a clean set of hose, and a shift. Pouring the water into a bowl, Miriam ordered Sebastian to wash away his travels, before leaving again. He stripped off his wet clothes and wiped away the sweat before changing into the clean shift and rolling on the hose. In the nightstand by the bed, Sebastian dug out his razor and a bottle of rose water. He shaved diligently, taking care not to nick his skin, and after, splashed a little of the rose water across his neck and chest.

Miriam bustled back in carrying a set of clothing he’d never seen before and what looked like a new wig. “Anthony brought these back with him from London on his last visit. I think he was hoping you’d be back sooner.”

“Lord Crofton is nothing if not an optimist.”

Miriam chuckled and directed him to dress. Sebastian found changing back into Bronwyn was strangely reassuring, the layers of clothing building up as if they were a suit of armor. The new gown was burgundy red with the same color sleeves, while the skirt and bodice were gold. Miriam showed him the wig before fitting it in place. It was still a mass of black ringlets, but gave the illusion that his hair was pinned back, and Miriam had woven a string of gold and red jewels through it.

Finally, she helped him apply his makeup and tie his ruff in place. “It is a lovely dress,” she said, stroking one of the sleeves.

“Yes, but I am afraid it is wasted on plain old Bronwyn. Where has she been while I was away?”

“Bronwyn has been in bed convalescing,” Miriam said. She pursed her lips before continuing, “I think you should know that a number of local ladies have been offering Anthony their company, but I assure you they were all sent away. And some of them not so gently either, I can tell you. But I didn’t want you to overhear something that might lead to you jump to the wrong conclusion.”

Sebastian laughed softly. “Anthony does appear to attract rumors. I expect to hear he has got me with child any day now.”

“And I’m sure when Anthony sees you, his reaction will leave no one with any doubt where his affections lie.”

“I do hope so.”

He stepped into his slippers, and Miriam circled around him to check everything was in place. “Are you ready?”

“One last thing.” Sebastian picked up the box from the nightstand and removed the ring, sliding it onto the little finger of his right hand. “Now I am.”

“My lady.” Miriam held open the door and curtseyed. “The feast awaits.”

Chapter 23

C
ROFTON
H
ALL
had been dressed for Christmas. The banisters were wrapped in bay and laurel, every surface was festooned in greenery, and there were bunches of holly over the doors and windows. A cheer went up from the great hall, and Sebastian looked to Miriam for an answer. “They’ve probably just lit the Yule log,” she explained.