The Adventures of Nanny Piggins (13 page)

'What a joy you must bring to your choirmaster's heart,' said Nanny Piggins rapturously. For she was a very good actress.

'Actually, we have had forty-one different choirmasters in those forty years,' admitted Aunt Lydia.

They had all been driven away by the sound of Aunt Lydia's voice as soon as their one-year contract had expired. One choirmaster had even been driven away before his contract expired when Aunt Lydia had caught him in his office and treated him to her solo rendition of 'Ave Maria'. He was now living in a cave in the mountains where he would never have to hear singing again.

'But they were all most impressed with my voice,' boasted Aunt Lydia. Which was true. They had all sat down in shock and dabbed their foreheads with handkerchiefs, saying things like, 'Oh my goodness!' 'What a voice!' and 'What am I going to do with you?'

'But surely you have been besieged with offers to sing professionally at opera houses and to record albums of your greatest hits?' asked Nanny Piggins.

'Well, no,' admitted Aunt Lydia. While she was very cruel, she was also truthful.

'We have to do something about that,' declared Nanny Piggins. 'It is unfair to the world of music for your talent to be squandered here in Mr Green's backyard.'

'Do you really think so?' asked Aunt Lydia. Even though she was horrible, she was a woman, and all women secretly, or not so secretly, want to be beloved singing sensations.

'I don't think so – I know so,' Nanny Piggins assured her. 'I have a dear friend who is a singing talent-scout. He travels the world finding the greatest singers and offering them places at his exclusive singing school in Europe.'

Aunt Lydia was practically drooling at the prospect of meeting such a man.

'Please, please say you will let me introduce him to you!' begged Nanny Piggins.

'All right, I will,' said Aunt Lydia, thinking to herself that she had misjudged this pig and that Nanny Piggins was by far the most intelligent pig she had ever met.

* * *

Later that evening Aunt Lydia was sitting in the living room wearing her starchiest, ugliest grey dress and awaiting the arrival of Nanny Piggins' friend.

'What are you going to do Nanny Piggins?' asked Derrick. 'Do you really know a great European singing maestro?'

'And is he really coming to the house?' asked Samantha.

'And is he really brain damaged enough to think Aunt Lydia can sing?' asked Michael.

'You'll just have to wait and see for yourselves,' whispered Nanny Piggins smugly. She was clearly up to something because she kept winking and grinning gleefully.

Aunt Lydia did not like to admit she was nervous but she obviously was because she kept sipping from her teacup even though nothing had been put in it. When the doorbell rang she jumped up before she remembered that she was a dignified lady who should be sitting up straight and scowling.

'I'll get the door, shall I?' suggested Nanny Piggins.

'Thank you, Nanny Piggins, that would be most kind,' said Aunt Lydia as she practised being even more stiffand formal than usual so as to impress her visitor.

Nanny Piggins disappeared from the room and returned just few moments later.

'May I introduce Professor Ludwig Von Buellerhousen of the Lapland Philharmonic Choir,' announced Nanny Piggins. Then she bowed low as the Professor himself entered the room.

The children held their breaths in anticipation and were delighted to see that Professor Von Buellerhousen was none other than Boris wearing a monocle and a flowing black cape.

'Why that's just Bo –' Michael blurted out before Samantha was able to silence him by stuffing a cupcake in his mouth.

'Good evening, I am a very busy and important man,' said Boris. Nanny Piggins had instructed him to say this because it is always sensible to tell people what to think of you, in case they are too stupid to figure it out for themselves. 'But I rushed to this abode when I heard that a great new singing talent had been discovered here. Where is this vocal prodigy?' he asked as he adjusted his monocle and peered about the room.

'Professor Buellerhousen, the prodigy you speak of is I,' said Aunt Lydia awkwardly. It's hard not to sound like an idiot when that is what you are trying so desperately not to do.

'You!' exclaimed Professor Buellerhousen (who, don't forget, was really just Boris). 'But you are so beautiful!' Now he was, of course, lying. And we all know lying is wrong. But it's okay if you lie to really wicked people. 'Surely you can not have both beauty and talent!' He was really laying it on thick but people are always prepared to believe untruths when they are about how wonderful they are.

Nanny Piggins thought she had better intervene here to move things along. 'It is true. Just wait until you hear her sing, it will make your hair stand on end,' said Nanny Piggins. Strictly speaking, this was entirely accurate. Aunt Lydia's voice did make your hair stand on end, just not in a good way. Rather the way it does if you hear someone scrape their fingernails down a blackboard.

'If you will do me the honour, madam, nothing could bring me greater pleasure,' said Boris as he helped himself to a cupcake. If he was about to hear something awful he needed a bit of cake to fortify himself.

'All right,' agreed Aunt Lydia. 'If you insist.' She stood up, took a deep breath and burst into song. The noise was every bit as awful as the noise she had made in the garden. If anything, it was worse because she was singing louder to impress Boris.

'Stop!!!' yelled Boris. 'I don't need to hear anymore.' (Which was certainly true.) 'I must immediately send you to my school for brilliant singers in Lapland. I will not take "no" for an answer. It is a crime for a voice such as yours to go unheard.'

'Well, I don't know. I have made a commitment to my brother,' said Aunt Lydia, looking around at the three children she detested. 'Where is this school exactly?'

'In Lapland. All the best singers come from Lapland,' declared Boris.

'They do?' asked Aunt Lydia.

'Oh yes – Pavarotti, Caruso, Julie Andrews – all proud Laplanders. And you are so talented you must have the very best teachers working with you.'

'Well, if you insist,' said Aunt Lydia. She did not need much persuading.

'I insist!' declared Boris

'But how shall I get to Lapland?' asked Aunt Lydia.

'I have your means of transport waiting directly outside,' said Boris.

'You do?' said Aunt Lydia.

'I had a premonition I would be meeting genius tonight,' Boris assured her.

How could Aunt Lydia say no to that? She could not. Which is why she said yes and within five minutes she found herself nailed into a large, bear-sized circus crate and, soon after, on a ship to Lapland.

* * *

'But when she gets to Lapland, what if she decides to come back?' worried Samantha later that night.

'Don't worry about it,' Nanny Piggins assured her. 'That is all taken care of. My friend Lars was having trouble keeping the wolves away from his reindeer. He is going to use your aunt's singing to frighten them off.'

'But won't Aunt Lydia figure it out?' asked Derrick sceptically.

'I shouldn't think so,' said Nanny Piggins. 'She is very nasty but not a particularly clever lady. And I've told Lars to wear a black cape and a monocle, and to tell her that singing outside in the snow will be good for her voice. It should be years before she works it out.'

'But won't Father be angry when he finds out Aunt Lydia has gone?' asked Michael.

'I'll tell you what,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Let's play a game. Let's play the "How Long Will It Take Mr Green To Realise His Sister Isn't Here" Game.'

As it turned out, it was a very good game. It was fascinating to see Mr Green overlook all the obvious clues of his sister's absence – such as her not being there at breakfast, her not being there at lunch and her not being there at dinner. It took him sixteen days to notice she was gone. Then, for another three days, Nanny Piggins managed to convince him that Aunt Lydia had just popped down the shops for milk.

By the time he realised that his sister had been missing for three weeks, he felt a bit sheepish about it. So Mr Green decided to not ask any question, since that was the easiest thing to do. This meant that Nanny Piggins, the children and Boris were able to go back to enjoying their everyday lives without the supervision of a responsible adult, which was just the way they liked it.

And so, even though Mr Green had only hired her for a few days, Nanny Piggins had spent nearly a full year in the Green house. She and Boris had become part of the family. Much more so than Mr Green himself. And, for the first time in their lives, Derrick, Samantha and Michael woke up every morning feeling happy. They did not know what sort of adventure they would have that day. But when your nanny is a flying pig, you can be sure your next adventure will be starting soon . . . possibly even before breakfast.

If you're hungry for more Nanny Piggins adventures

by R.A. Spratt

will be in all pig-approved bookshops
in October 2009