The Affair (30 page)

“The one?”

“The one I loved. And I allowed myself to fall in love with you—even though you were a married man—because I believed that there might be a chance for us. A future.” Stephanie took a deep breath. “My girlfriends have gone away for Christmas to be with their families, but I’m going to be spending Christmas alone, because I wanted to be close to my lover. But my lover is spending time with his family. It was that way last year too; I don’t want it to be that way next year. I feel so foolish, Robert. So incredibly foolish.”

“Stephanie, I—” he said quickly.

She held up her hand. She needed to finish this. “If there is no future for us, then just say so. I can handle it. It will hurt, but I’ll get over it. I’ll survive. And I’m not going to be stupid about it. I’m a big girl. I won’t make a scene; I won’t tell Kathy, if that’s what you’re worried about,” she added bitterly.

They walked another ten yards up Beacon in silence, each step taking her closer to the T stop, each step moving them further apart.

Then, abruptly, Robert moved around to stand in front of her, stopping her in the middle of the sidewalk, catching hold of her shoulders, looking down into her eyes. She was suddenly conscious that his eyes were huge, magnified now by unshed tears, and his breath was labored, as if he had been running. She saw his tongue flick out to lick dry lips.

“I love you. I want to be with you. To marry you. Will you marry me?”

The city went away. The noise of the traffic and the crowds faded and dulled, and there was only Robert and his words echoing around in her head.

I love you.

I want to be with you.

To marry you.

Will you marry me?

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled his face down and kissed him, and she was crying and trying to speak, but her heart was thumping so hard she was sure it was going to burst.

I love you.

I want to be with you.

To marry you.

Will you marry me?

The world shifted and settled, and the doubts and fears were wiped away in those four simple sentences. Three statements and a question.

She loved him.

She wanted to be with him.

She wanted to marry him.

And yes was the answer.

“Yes, I will, yes, yes, yes.”

Sunday, 22nd December

 

 

“H
e proposed! So, what do you think of that!” Stephanie demanded triumphantly.

Izzie barely made it through the door of the James’s Gate pub before Stephanie blurted out the news. “He told me he loved me, wanted to be with me, wanted to marry me.” Even as she said the words, Stephanie could feel the combination of excitement and maybe even fear churning inside her stomach. And relief. Stephanie felt as if an enormous emotional weight had been lifted from her.

Izzie’s eyes and mouth were wide with shock. “He proposed to you? Proposed! Okay, slow down, what’s happened? Tell me.”

“He asked me to marry him. Proposed. Right there in the street.”

Will you marry me?

That was the phrase that had shocked her, surprised her, undone her. She was thirty-three years old; she was a strong, independent, established businesswoman. She’d never felt the need for a man on her arm or by her side to validate her. Never really needed a man before. Enjoyed them certainly, loved some of them, but not since she was a teen had she thought about marriage. Marriage was a young girl’s dream, and she’d stopped being a young girl a long time ago.

And yet . . .

With those four words, he’d made her a young girl again, with all those dreams and futures made possible again.

Izzie was speaking to her, and she had to concentrate on the words. “What did you do to bring out this dramatic change?” she demanded. “I want details.”

Stephanie downed her Guinness, grabbed her coat off the back of a chair, and grabbed her purse. “I really do listen to you. Maybe I just needed you to make me think about the questions I should be asking.... Maybe I was just too close to the situation, making excuses for him all the time. I guess I finally just got tired of waiting.”

She left a three-dollar tip for the five-dollar beer, then linked her arm through her friend’s. They strode out of the bar, up South Street, and made a left at the Civil War monument. They were going to walk around Jamaica Pond and then go into town, to shop for one another’s presents—a tradition that had grown up over the many years of their friendship.

“I asked myself what I wanted—not for now, but for next year. Then I asked him if he loved me.”

“And of course he said yes,” Izzie answered. “Men always say yes, but that’s because they don’t really know the meaning of the word. ‘Yes’ is just a filler in a conversation, something to mark the place while they’re really thinking about something else.”

“Stop being cynical. He did it, Izzie. He did it. Told me he would marry me. I wasn’t expecting that. Hell, I would have been happy with his just committing to moving in with me.”

They passed a group of geese that were sunning themselves by the side of the road and crossed the Jamaicaway to stroll along the pond. With the sun fracturing on the water, it looked like a summer’s day. They walked a dozen steps, then Izzie wondered aloud: “And did he say when he was going to break the good news to his wife?”

Stephanie felt her euphoric mood slip. That same thought had crossed her mind, but she’d dismissed it. “Well, no . . . we didn’t get around to discussing that. We were going to meet today, but I wasn’t going to cancel you for anything.”

“Thanks.”

“Besides, I haven’t had a chance to get Robert his big present. I needed some time to do that today.”

They walked another dozen steps.

“And when do you think he’ll be moving in with you?”

“Oh, soon,” Stephanie said confidently. “By the New Year, I should imagine. We’ll have a New Year’s celebration dinner—and remember, you’re paying.”

“Oh, trust me. If he moves in with you and commits to you—I’ll absolutely pay.”

Stephanie wasn’t sure if Izzie was being sarcastic or not.

Izzie squeezed Stephanie’s hand. “Come on; two loops around the pond then let’s go buy overpriced trinkets on Centre Street, have drinks at Costello’s, and have dinner at Bukhara. And we’ll make a promise now not to think or talk about men for the rest of the day!”

“Is that possible?” Stephanie laughed.

“After what you’ve told me today, anything’s possible.” Izzie grinned at her friend before her voice took on a more serious tone. “I am really happy for you, Stephanie. I am. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“I won’t.”

Monday, 23rd December

 

 

R
obert was wheezing like an old man when Stephanie took up her position on the treadmill alongside him. He grunted a greeting but didn’t let up the pace. When she’d convinced him to join the gym, she hadn’t really imagined that he would stick with it, but he’d surprised her by keeping his twice-weekly appointments. Once he had gotten over the initial shock to his system, he almost seemed to enjoy it. She’d seen some slight improvements to his body, especially around his stomach, but his pecs still needed a lot of work. After his first session, she’d convinced him to go for a tan, and that went a long way toward disguising some of his flabby sins. She had noted the last time they made love that he’d continued to top up the tan.

She started up the treadmill. “Sorry I’m late. The office is closing today, and there were drinks in the boardroom.”

“No problem,” he panted. “I got your message. Any issues in work about . . . ?”

“About us? Nothing. No mentions. And I did hear through the grapevine that it looks as if you got the DaBoyz gig.”

“That’s great! I mean, I think that’s great. Theresa said two of the guys are gay.”

Stephanie shook her head. “So? Is that a problem?”

“No. Not at all. But she also said there were lots of tweets that they’re thinking about breaking up.”

Stephanie bit back a flicker of irritation. Robert hadn’t even known what Twitter was before she had taught him the importance and relevance of social networking. She helped him set up his company’s Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest accounts—all in the name of better branding R&K. Keeping them competitive. It should be of no interest to him if the band were straight, gay, or on the verge of breaking up. All he had to do was concentrate on the video. “They were. That’s why this single is so important. There’s been a lot of investment in this group, and the investors are unwilling to cut loose their potential cash cow without one last shot. That’s you, by the way. Do the video right, and you will have saved a lot of people a lot of money. Screw it up, however, and you’ll never work in this town again.” She laughed to take the sting from her words.

“I’m not sure whether you’re joking or serious.”

“A bit of both, I think. You’ll do a great job. Remember, I’ve staked my career on it.”

“So, no pressure there then,” he murmured.

“And I’m sorry about yesterday. I really wanted to see you, but I’d already agreed to go shopping with Izzie before . . .”

Robert glanced sidelong at her and smiled. “Before?”

“Before us.”

“It was probably just as well. It gave me a chance to get a lot done in the office. If you and I had gotten together, we would have . . .”

She looked at him seductively. “What would we have done?”

“Talked. Planned.”

“I know. You’ve made me so happy. Even Izzie is pleased.”

“One of these days I’d like to meet this mysterious Izzie.”

“She’s looking forward to meeting you too. I’ve told her a lot about you.”

“I suppose she was surprised by the news.”

“More like stunned. I said we’d get together after Christmas and celebrate. She’s paying.”

“Good.” Robert began to run faster. “Why is she paying?”

“Because she once bet me the best meal money could buy that you would never leave your wife for me.”

“Well, let’s make sure that’s an expensive bet. I’ll book Top of the Hub myself for this one.”

They ran in silence for a while, then Stephanie asked the question that had been troubling her ever since Izzie had raised it the previous day. “Have you given any further thought to Christmas?”

“I’ve thought about nothing else,” he said quickly.

“Will you spend Christmas Day with me?”

Before he answered he reached down to increase the speed of the machine, and she had an inkling of the answer. He was now running hard, breath coming in great, heaving gasps. “No,” he said eventually.

His answer chilled her, and something must have shown on her face, because Robert said immediately, “Be reasonable.” Realizing that he was shouting above the noise of the machine, he leaned closer to her.

“Be reasonable. I can hardly go to Kathy and the kids tonight or tomorrow and say, ‘Guess what, I’m leaving. Merry Christmas.’ Can I?”

Well, when he put it like that, it sounded perfectly reasonable. But of course, all his excuses sounded reasonable. “No, of course not.” She nodded, not sure what she was hearing. Was he backtracking on what he had said on Saturday, or was this perfectly genuine? She needed a few moments to think. But her initial reaction was that the bastard was backing down.

If he walked away from her now, having proposed to her, having gotten her hopes up, having made her incredibly, unreasonably happy, then she would go to his wife and tell her. If he hurt her like that, then she would hurt him back! She didn’t like the person Robert was making her into. A jealous, bitter girlfriend. His actions were not backing up his words, and it was making her crazy.

“But I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“And when do you intend to tell her?” she asked. His answer had helped a little, but she needed more, she needed something definite, something she could hold onto, something she could count on.

“I was thinking the twenty-seventh, which is Friday.”

“Why not Thursday?”

“Well, we’re committed to going over to her sister’s for dinner. It’s a family tradition. All the arrangements have been made.”

Something like panic was beginning to creep in around her now. Panic and a terrible anger. When Robert had told her on Saturday that he wanted to be with her, she’d somehow imagined that meant Christmas Day, but when she had rerun the conversation again, she had realized that he’d never actually committed to any timeframe. “So what am I supposed to do for Christmas Day? Hang around until you appear?” Stephanie was angry. What did Robert expect? Knowing what he had promised, was she supposed to treat Christmas like an ordinary weekday? Do her laundry? Watch television? Was it going to be another Merry-lonely-Christmas?

“Look, I’ll tell her on Friday, and I’ll spend New Year’s Eve with you,” he said, trying to placate her, although not exactly answering her question. “We’ll bring in the New Year together. Come on; meet me halfway on this. This is a big decision, a huge move for me to make. You’ve got yourself to think of; I’ve got Kathy and the kids to consider.”

“You’re right, of course. Absolutely right.” Now that she had her definitive dates, she’d swap Christmas for New Year’s. It was more symbolic anyway: new starts, fresh beginnings, ushering in the New Year together. “Another couple of days won’t make that much difference to us. And Christmas Day is really just another Wednesday.”

They switched from the treadmills onto the bikes. She started pedaling. Robert tried to keep up with her for a few minutes but couldn’t and slowed back down to a moderate pace. “So, I have a proposition,” he said when he’d gotten his breath back.

Stephanie continued cycling as she looked at him. She was still breathing evenly. “Another one?”

“It’s about the company. R&K Productions. You know the K stands for Kathy and that she has a fifty percent share in it?”

“I know that,” Stephanie said cautiously. What was he talking about? Maybe he was thinking of selling the company.

“I was wondering if you’d like to join me in the company, take over Kathy’s share. We could call it R&S Productions. That is, if I can buy Kathy out, of course.”

She looked at him in blank surprise. Whatever she had been expecting him to ask her, it hadn’t been this. She eased up on the bike, allowed the wheel to spin to a stop. There was no easy way to say this, but it had to be said, and better he hear it from her. She took a moment to try and phrase the response as diplomatically as possible.

“I’m not sure I’d want to give up my present position. I’m rising fairly rapidly in the agency, and I would think going to work in your company might be seen as a retrograde step, career-wise.”

Robert started to laugh, then she watched the laughter die on his lips as he realized she was serious.

And, since he had raised the issue of the business, she thought she might as well tell him the rest. If he was being totally honest with her—and she thought he was—then she owed it to him.

“The other thing we’ll have to bear in mind is that, obviously, I won’t be able to send any more business your way. It wouldn’t look good for me to be seen to be pushing business to my partner’s company.”

He looked as if he had been struck. “No more business . . .”

“Not from me. But I’ll keep my ear to the ground. I’ll keep you well up to speed with what’s happening in the industry. Anyway,” she continued, “I was thinking you might close R&K.”

“What?” Beneath his tan she could see that he’d actually paled. Had he been counting that much on the work she could get him?

“Maybe get a job with one of the big advertising agencies or production companies.” She pandered to his ego. “You’d be a huge asset, Robert. You have a great deal of experience.”

He wouldn’t look at her now, merely stared straight ahead with what looked like a defiant—or sullen—expression on his face.

“It would be easier on you mentally and physically,” she pressed on. “There would be a steady paycheck, and you could walk out at six and not have to think about the job again until the following morning. Your weekends would be yours again. Ours.”

“But I’d be working for someone. I’ve been my own boss for a long time.”

“At the moment you’re working for Kathy and the children and the bank. They’re your boss. This way you end up with more free time, time to spend with me. Time to spend with your children,” she added.

He started laughing, a dry rasp, which turned into a cough.

Stephanie climbed off the bike and thumped his back. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. I was just thinking . . .”

“Thinking what?”

“That you’re some sort of catalyst. Change happens around you.”

She leaned into him, deliberately pushing her breasts against his chest. “We make our own changes, but sometimes you just need someone or something to do a little nudging.” Izzie had nudged her; she had nudged Robert. “I’m going to take a shower.” She spun away, aware that he—and some of the other men in the gym—were watching, and enjoying their attention.

Next year was going to be so different, so very, very different.

 

“So, what are your thoughts about babies?” Stephanie asked. She had stepped out of the dressing room to find Robert leaning against the wall, checking his messages. He put the phone away and kissed her quickly, and she laced her fingers through his. The sudden thought had come out of the blue while she was showering, and she figured she might as well put all of the cards on the table.

“I hadn’t thought about it. I mean, I have two teenagers already,” Robert said as they walked across the foyer toward the entrance. She realized he must have sensed her vulnerability when he added quickly, “But I’m not opposed to the idea. What do you think?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. I mean, I think I’d like children,” she said as they came out into the bitter night air. She’d never thought about having kids before he’d proposed on Saturday. And now she couldn’t stop thinking about them. And if she wanted them or not. Many of her friends had babies and toddlers, and she recognized the extraordinary amount of work that went into rearing a child. She had nothing but admiration for women who managed to juggle a career and family, but the very nature of her job, which involved travel and odd hours, made having a child simply out of the question. Well, out of the question if she was alone. But if she had a partner . . . that might be different. Maybe this was what she had first seen in Robert: the possibilities. She had looked at the lonely, slightly desperate, trapped man and recognized the potential surrounding him. When they were together, and when the time was right, she would love to have a child. Boy or girl, it didn’t matter; it would be theirs.

“If you did want children, when would you like to have them?” he wondered.

“Not immediately of course,” she said, just in case he had any ideas about an instant family. She squeezed his fingers, relishing the warmth and strength of them. “Well, it’s a bit of a Catch-22. I’m thirty-three now. My biological clock is definitely ticking. I can’t wait too long, and yet, I need another two years at least before I’m promoted. Then we could start trying for the year after that.”

But was thirty-five too old to be thinking about conceiving a first child? Did she want to have to deal with in vitro and all of the new technologies that made having a kid later in life possible? It was expensive and time-consuming. Her mother had had her and her siblings the old-fashioned way when she was in her early twenties. And Stephanie’s mother had managed just fine. If Stephanie was going to have a baby, now was definitely the most logical time. Maybe she’d think about a career break, have the baby then go back to work, possibly in a part-time capacity. She wasn’t necessarily the most maternal person, but she could manage a kid. Couldn’t she? Besides, Robert would help her. She knew he would. He adored his own children and, from what she understood, they loved him. He would be a wonderful father to a child. To
their
child.