The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion (20 page)

P
OINT
C
LEAR
, A
LABAMA

S
OOKIE WAS DEEP IN THOUGHT IN
B
OOTH
N
O
. 4
AND THEN LEANED IN
and said, “The thing is, Dr. Shapiro, I can understand her not wanting me to know I was adopted, but all those years of her telling not only me, but my poor children, how lucky we were to be a Simmons. All that was a lie, and she’s put us in a terrible position. I can’t tell the Daughters of the Confederacy or the Kappas that Dee Dee and I are not really Simmonses without Lenore finding out. I hate being a fraud, but I don’t want to upset her, either. You don’t know me, but I’ve never really been this mad at anybody before, and it makes me feel so bad, but I just don’t know how to get over it. I seem to be stuck.”

“Well, first of all, as we’ve said, your anger and hurt at your mother are perfectly normal, and yes, it was a terrible thing to do to a child, but I think it might help you to know that most of her behavior was probably unintentional. Think of a person being born without a foot. In other words, your mother has a little something missing, and in her case, it’s the ability to see or feel beyond oneself or empathize with another person’s feelings, even one’s own children. And in most cases they’re not even aware they are doing it.”

“Maybe … but I still just don’t understand how she could keep on lying to me all these years.”

“I’m not so sure she was lying—at least not in her own mind—and as you have said, when your mother believes something, facts don’t mean a thing.”

“Well that’s true. She’s convinced she’s related to the queen of England.”

“Exactly, and sometimes this kind of delusional thinking is a survival skill gone wrong. What do you know about her childhood?”

“Not much … just that she was raised by her grandmother. Her mother died in childbirth, and she said that when she was growing up, her daddy was hardly ever home. He was a state senator so he spent most of his time in Montgomery.”

“I see. And has she ever mentioned her mother?”

“Only one time …”

“Just once?”

“Yes.”

After Sookie left the Waffle House, she realized it was strange. As obsessive and preoccupied as Lenore had been about the Simmons family line, she had never discussed anything about her mother, where she was from, or how old she was when she died. Her name hadn’t even shown up in the family Bible. And whenever Sookie had asked about her, Lenore had made it quite clear she didn’t want to talk about her. Lenore had never even mentioned her mother at all until that one day after the twins were born. Sookie had been exhausted, and all she wanted to do was stay in bed and rest, but Lenore had stormed into her room and thrown open the blinds. “I’m here to announce the good news. You are going to get up, and we are going out to lunch.”

“Mother, not today, please. I’m too tired.”

“Oh, come on, Sookie. You’ll feel so much better if you do.”

“But I don’t feel like it. I don’t think I ever want to get up again.”

“Oh, don’t be such a baby. I’m your mother, and you have to do what I say. It would be rude not to. Besides, haven’t I always been right? You’re just lucky to have a mother who cares. And don’t forget you come from a long line of military leaders, and we always advance. We never retreat.”

This was a conversation they had had many times, but on this particular day, for some reason, right in the middle of it, a strange faraway look had crossed over Lenore’s face—one that Sookie had
never seen before. It was as if she suddenly remembered something. Then she said rather sadly, “Oh, Sookie, you just don’t know what it’s like growing up without a mother. I even used to envy those poor little white-trash sharecropper families that lived out in the country. As poor as they were, at least they had a mother. We only get one chance in life, and I missed mine, and once you miss it …” Just for a split second, Sookie thought she saw tears start to well up in her mother’s eyes, but then Lenore quickly changed the subject.

Sookie tried to get her to talk more about it, but Lenore said, “There’s nothing more to say, except that you and Buck need to get down on your hands and knees and thank your lucky stars you have me. Nothing stings more than an ungrateful child, you know. Now you get up out of that bed and get dressed, and put on something nice. We are going out to lunch, and let there be no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Your life awaits you out in the world, my girl, and you’re not lollygagging your life away in bed.”

F
RITZI HAD BEEN HOME FOR ONLY A SHORT WHILE
,
BUT SHE SOON
found out that old Gussie Mintz back in Grand Rapids had been right. Flying was now in her blood, and as busy as she was running the station, she was becoming restless. She missed Billy, but there were still a few good-looking guys left who were doing war jobs. And that big Irish redheaded trucker, Joe O’Connor, from Manitowoc, who was always trying to get her to go out with him,
was
a good-looking son of a gun. She liked him a lot, but she was not in love, and she certainly had no interest in getting married or, God forbid, ever having children. She and Billy had too much to do after the war was over, but Joe was a great dancer, and she was not against having a little fun. After all, she had been to Milwaukee, and knew the score. And as Billy said, “Life is too short for regrets.”

As the days went on, the filling station became the center of the war-drive effort in Pulaski. Uncle Sam needed all the supplies he could get for the troops. As an incentive, Fritzi set up a kissing booth outside, and anything that Uncle Sam needed, from a bundle of paper to tin cans, would get you a kiss from one of the girls. And like all filling stations, theirs was an official drop-off place for the huge rubber drive, and considering the reward, all the guys from near and wide collected all the rubber they could—everything from old tires and water hoses to sink stoppers and canning jar tops. One man, eager to get a kiss
from one of the girls, even stole his wife’s rubber girdle and brought it down, and Mrs. Luczak wasn’t happy about it, either. She marched down to the station and got it right back. She said, “Fritzi, I’m as patriotic as the next one. They can have everything else, but I
need
my girdle.”

That night, Momma sat down as she always did and wrote to her husband at the sanitarium.

P
OINT
C
LEAR
, A
LABAMA

T
HIS WEEK
, D
R
. S
HAPIRO HAD A CANCELLATION
,
AND THEY WERE
meeting earlier than usual. Jewel greeted them with a big smile. “Here you two are again. Two coffees?”

Dr. Shapiro said, “Yes, and you don’t happen to have a bagel, do you?”

“A what?”

“A bagel?” He could tell by her expression that she didn’t and said, “Just give me an English muffin.”

“Okay. You want anything, Mrs. Poole?”

“No, thank you, Jewel, I’m fine. I just had breakfast.”

After Jewel left, Dr. Shapiro asked, “How are you doing?”

“Oh, a little better, I think, but every time Lenore starts on the Simmons stuff, it’s hard not to say anything. It makes me remember all those years growing up and how bad she made me feel. The woman never let me forget anything. She always brought up everything I did wrong.”

Dr. Shapiro said, “I understand, but you know, those are your mother’s behavioral patterns.”

“And then I start to think that I’m just remembering only the bad things.”

“Do you have any positive memories about your mother?”

Sookie sat there racking her brain, but nothing came to her.

Jewel brought the coffee and muffin. “Thank you,” said Dr. Shapiro.

Sookie put cream and Sweet’N Low in her coffee and frowned. “Hmmm … positive memories. Well, I had a wonderful father and brother, and in high school, we were the state football champions my senior year.”

“No, I mean positive memories about your mother.”

“Well, life with Lenore was never dull, I’ll say that. And she is funny. I have to admit she can say and do some of the funniest things. When Buck and I were little and lost a tooth, we would put it under our pillow for the tooth fairy to find, and later, Lenore would always dress up as the tooth fairy, with a tall hat and a wand, and come in our room and dance all around and sing some silly little song and leave us a present under our pillow. And I remember feeling good when everybody said that Buck and I had the prettiest mother in school. And she always smelled so wonderful. One time, I must have been four or five, I was sick with a terrible fever, and I remember she sat by my bed all night and petted my head. Every time I woke up, she was right there. And she would say, ‘Don’t worry, Mother’s right here.’ ” Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes, and she was embarrassed and grabbed a napkin. “Oh, Lord, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying.”

“Why do you think you are?”

“I guess I just remembered how happy I was to wake up and see her sitting there. I just wish I hadn’t disappointed her so much. What about you, Dr. Shapiro, did you have a happy childhood?”

“Let’s go back to your last statement for a moment, about disappointing your mother. Did your brother ever disappoint her?”

“Oh, yes, but in a different way. She didn’t particularly like Bunny, the girl he married.”

“What about earlier? When you were younger?”

“She more or less let him alone. I think the problem was that I was a girl, and she wanted me to be more like her, but I couldn’t. And now we know why.”

“And if your mother had had a biological daughter, do you think she would have lived up to all her expectations?”

“I think so. Yes.”

“How?”

“Well, she probably would have been prettier and smarter. Not had straight hair. She probably would have had talent and certainly been more ambitious.”

“
Or
she could have been none of those things. Just because she would be related by blood doesn’t guarantee she would have any of these attributes. Did it ever occur to you that Lenore was lucky to have you? I’m amazed you turned out as strong and sane as you did.”

“
Me?
I don’t feel very strong …”

“But why would you? Your mother formed an incorrect opinion of you and, naturally, you agreed with her. Children always think their parents are right. But in this case, your mother was entirely wrong. Think about it. Your mother is an overpowering individual, and yet, you managed to have a stable marriage and raise four children.”

Sookie said, “Well, yes, I did, didn’t I? And knock on wood, not one of them got on dope that I know of. At least, that’s something, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is. You may not be the person your mother wants you to be, but you are you. Our job here is to try and separate the wheat from the chaff and figure out who
you
are and not who your mother thinks you are.”

Sookie looked concerned and said, “Oh. And will that require me having to journal?”