The Art of Empathy (49 page)

CONFRONTING THESE STORIES AND CHANGING THE WORLD

So, who controls these stories? Luckily, you do. We all do, because we're not merely the characters in these stories, mindlessly reciting our dialogue. We're the
storytellers.

We can dream new stories, and we can learn how to tell these new stories to each other. We can create stories that will help us address and detoxify our aggressive and conflict-seeking groupishness, in the same ways that we create stories to help children deal with monsters, intense emotions, and grievous losses. We can learn to understand the problematic aspects of empathy, oxytocin, and groupishness, and we can remind each other that (just as it is for children), the more strongly we feel love and attachment, the more activated our jealousies, envies, and angers may become. It's a normal process that we can detoxify by understanding the purpose of our emotions in the stories of our lives. We are imaginal, emotive, and empathic beings, and we are the storytellers.

In your social justice work, it's important to bring your storytelling expertise to the process and to listen to activists' pleas and pitches empathically. Which of your emotions are being evoked, and why? Who (or what) are the monsters, and why? What mythological themes are at play? What is the heroic quest, and what is your role in the quest? Do you agree with the role that's been written for you, or do you have a better storyline? Most important, what happens if you bring your better ideas, your new approach, or another set of emotions to the story? Will you be accepted, or will you be exiled? Is there room for a real, live human in this story, or have you been cast in a nonspeaking role as an extra?

I'm not suggesting that you need to be the director of every story you're in (how exhausting!). Some people create magnificent social justice narratives, and it's an honor to play a part in them. But I am suggesting that you become emotionally and empathically hip to what's occurring, especially when you're being urged to close your mind and your heart against entire
groups of people. That's toxic groupishness, and it's a part of a very old story that always ends badly. You can do better; we can all do better—because we're much better storytellers than that.

We can create stories that magically expand to include the alleged out-group. We can bring new and different emotions to the forefront. We can engage with our toxic groupishness through drama, mythology, literature, and ritualized forms of aggression, like tug of war, steal the flag, aikido, fencing, or kickboxing. And most important, we can learn how to form groups that don't define themselves by whom they exclude. We can tell new stories and begin, slowly but surely, to challenge the dark side of empathy and create a better and healthier empathic world for everyone.

E
PILOGUE

Envisioning an Empathic Civilization, Together

A FRIEND ASKED me the other day what an empathic civilization would look like. I thought for a minute and said, “It looks like this. It looks like the human race.” We are an empathic species, and this is our civilization. This, right now, is where we are in our communal development of empathy. Almost every one of us achieved skill in all six aspects of empathy before we were two years old; we are empaths, we created this civilization, and this is what an empathic civilization looks like right now.

If you know what to look for, you can find empathy everywhere. Empathy is our nonverbal language and our interactive skill set, and it's a source of endless fascination. We pay people large sums of money to emote skillfully so that we can empathize with them; we interact empathically with art, animals, nature, and ideas; and we join groups intentionally so that we can feel specific emotions, including delightfully deep empathy for our in-group and deliciously deep enmity for the out-group. Empathy is our first language, our universal bonding skill, our captivating plaything, and our devastating weapon—we are a wholly empathic species.

This book is a part of my swashbuckling empathic quest to bring emotions and empathy out of the deep shadows and into the light of day—because, you see, emotions and empathy are alive and active in our every moment; they're visible everywhere if you know where to look. Emotions and empathy are fundamental tools of human cognition, human interactions, and human culture; they make us who we are. We
are
an empathic species, but if we're going to make a world worth living in, we have to become intentional
empaths: emotionally awakened, well-regulated, healthy, happy, and perceptive empaths. This is my quest. This is my zany heroic journey.

Thank you for taking this empathic journey with me. I've sat far too still for many months, alone in front of my computer, yet I've been on a fully interactive journey that could only happen because you were with me. People who call writing a solitary occupation—I don't think they're highly empathic, because writing is a conversation and an extended imaginal relationship that exists in its own unique world. These words on this page, they sit here doing nothing until you bring your Einfühlung capacities, your intelligence, your intensity, and your empathy into our relationship. If you've enjoyed this book, I'm glad, but it's your empathic abilities that made these words speak to you. Thank you for your deep empathic attention, thank you for your emotive presence, and thank you for sharing the art of empathy with me.

Now go out and create some beautiful new stories about empathy. You are the storyteller, you are an empath, and this is
your
civilization.

Acknowledgments

THERE'S THIS CONVENTION in book acknowledgments in which the families and loved ones of authors get thanked last. What a silly convention. I subvert that dominant paradigm. First and always, I thank my husband, best friend, and empathic partner, Tino Plank. My career as a writer could not have moved forward without your support. I thank my son, Eli McLaren; my family, my nieces and nephews, my grandnieces and grandnephews; and my closest friends. I also thank my late mother for doing everything she could to raise a tornado wrapped in an enigma wrapped in emotions—this was fullcontact parenting.

I thank all of the empaths and hyperempaths who have worked with me, challenged me to come up with better skills, and helped me realize that I wasn't alone in the world or in my empathic way of framing human interactions. I thank my many neurodiverse and autistic friends, as well as the parents of autistic children, for inviting me into an intensely empathic community and helping me understand empathy at a much deeper level. And I thank the men and boys who show me every day that empathy never was, and never will be, a gendered trait.

I thank my darling Tami Simon and the folks at Sounds True, whose outsider status allows me to be an al fresco academic doing original theory. Haven Iverson, in particular, is a sensitive, pointed, and empathic editor who offers me her ears, her mind, and her heart. Writing for her and with her is an honor. Being an empath is easier because the people at Sounds True have treated my work and my unique approach as legitimate and worth hearing. As I stand on the margins of a highly contentious cluster of academic disciplines whose approach to emotions and empathy is—in my empathic
opinion—still struggling with fundamental misunderstandings, I appreciate the fact that my voice and my life's work are being treated as valid by this merry band. Thank you!

I also thank the many people I see who avoid empathy and gleefully create enemies—because although creating a distrusted or hated other is a wonderful way to generate internal cohesion in a group, it's a process that always backfires. Groups and people who engage in othering help me understand just how crucial fully inclusive and non-othering empathy is to a functional community, to functional activism, and to the empathic evolution of humankind.

I thank all of the authors and researchers whose work I reference and learn from every day. When I have intense questions or feel as if I just don't
get
this world, I enter your words and feel into your work, your ideas, your brilliance, your struggles, your arguments, your confusions, and the depth of your humanity. You make a difference, and I thank you.

And of course, I thank
you
for supporting my work in the world. As I wrote this book, I continually thought of you, and I used my Einfühlung capacities to imagine you reading alongside me, arguing with me, pointing out inconsistencies, and whispering all of your hopes, concerns, and emotions into my ears. Thank you for keeping me company as I wrote this book. I appreciate you!

A
PPENDIX
A

Emotional Vocabulary List

From
karlamclaren.com

ANGER

SOFT ANGER

Annoyed ~ Frustrated ~ Cross ~ Apathetic ~ Peeved ~ Irritated ~ Cranky ~ Crabby ~ Bored ~ Impatient ~ Critical ~ Cold ~ Displeased ~ Rankled ~ Detached ~ Indifferent

MOOD-STATE ANGER

Angry ~ Mad ~ Offended ~ Antagonized ~ Bristling ~ Sarcastic ~ Aggravated ~ Arrogant ~ Indignant ~ Inflamed ~ Affronted ~ Resentful ~ Incensed ~ Exasperated ~ Riled up

INTENSE ANGER

Hostile ~ Aggressive ~ Livid ~ Outraged ~ Furious ~ Belligerent ~ Disgusted ~ Appalled ~ Bitter ~ Ranting ~ Raving ~ Contemptuous ~ Hateful ~ Vengeful ~ Vindictive ~ Irate ~ Violent ~ Menacing ~ Seething ~ Vicious ~ Spiteful

SADNESS

SOFT SADNESS

Regretful ~ Disappointed ~ Disconnected ~ Distracted ~ Low ~ Listless ~ Wistful

MOOD-STATE SADNESS

Sad ~ World-weary ~ Down ~ Melancholy ~ Mournful ~ Weepy ~ Grieving ~ Gloomy ~ Dejected ~ Downtrodden ~ Heavyhearted ~ Forlorn ~ Sorrowful ~ Dispirited ~ Discouraged ~ Drained

INTENSE SADNESS

Despairing ~ Bleak ~ Despondent ~ Depressed ~ Anguished ~ Inconsolable ~ Grief-stricken ~ Hopeless ~ Heartbroken ~ Morose ~ Bereaved

HAPPINESS

SOFT HAPPINESS

Smiling ~ Upbeat ~ Peaceful ~ Calm ~ Amused ~ Open ~ Friendly ~ Encouraged ~ Hopeful ~ Inspired ~ Jovial

MOOD-STATE HAPPINESS

Happy ~ Glad ~ Content ~ Optimistic ~ Cheerful ~ Joyful ~ Satisfied ~ Lively ~ Delighted ~ Rejuvenated ~ Pleased ~ Gratified ~ Excited ~ Gleeful ~ Merry ~ Playful

INTENSE HAPPINESS

Elated ~ Exhilarated ~ Manic ~ Giddy ~ Euphoric ~ Awe-filled ~ Blissful ~ Enthralled ~ Rapturous ~ Jubilant ~ Ecstatic ~ Overjoyed ~ Radiant

FEAR

SOFT FEAR

Alert ~ Hesitant ~ Pensive ~ Watchful ~ Cautious ~ Curious ~ Leery ~ Uneasy ~ Doubtful ~ Confused ~ Apprehensive ~ Shy ~ Concerned ~ Disquieted ~ Timid ~ Edgy ~ Fidgety ~ Disconcerted ~ Insecure ~ Indecisive ~ Disoriented

MOOD-STATE FEAR

Fearful ~ Afraid ~ Suspicious ~ Startled ~ Unnerved ~ Anxious ~ Nervous ~ Worried ~ Alarmed ~ Shaky ~ Perturbed ~ Aversive ~ Wary ~ Distrustful ~ Rattled ~ Unsettled ~ Jumpy

INTENSE FEAR

Terrorized ~ Shocked ~ Panicked ~ Dread-filled ~ Horrified ~ Phobic ~ Petrified ~ Paralyzed

JEALOUSY AND ENVY

SOFT JEALOUSY AND ENVY

Suspicious ~ Insecure ~ Distrustful ~ Protective

MOOD-STATE JEALOUSY AND ENVY

Jealous ~ Envious ~ Covetous ~ Threatened ~ Demanding ~ Desirous

INTENSE JEALOUSY AND ENVY

Greedy ~ Grasping ~ Persistently jealous ~ Possessive ~ Resentful ~ Threatened ~ Avaricious ~ Gluttonous ~ Green with envy

SHAME AND GUILT

SOFT SHAME

Hesitant ~ Flushed ~ Self-conscious ~ Speechless ~ Discomfited ~ Awkward ~ Humble ~ Reticent ~ Abashed ~ Flustered ~ Withdrawn

MOOD-STATE SHAME

Ashamed ~ Guilty ~ Embarrassed ~ Intimidated ~ Penitent ~ Regretful ~ Remorseful ~ Chagrined ~ Culpable ~ Reproachful ~ Sheepish ~ Rueful ~ Contrite ~ Humbled

INTENSE SHAME

Humiliated ~ Guilt-ridden ~ Guilt-stricken ~ Disgraced ~ Stigmatized ~ Mortified ~ Demeaned ~ Self-condemning ~ Self-flagellating ~ Degraded ~ Shamefaced ~ Belittled ~ Ostracized

SUICIDAL URGES

SOFT SUICIDAL URGES

Depressed ~ Dispirited ~ Constantly irritated, angry, or enraged (see the anger list) ~ Helpless ~ Impulsive ~ Withdrawn ~ Apathetic ~ Lethargic ~ Disinterested ~ Pessimistic ~ Purposeless ~ Discouraged ~ Feeling worthless ~ Isolated ~ World-weary ~ Humorless ~ Listless ~ Melancholy ~ Flat ~ Indifferent

MOOD-STATE SUICIDAL URGES

Desperate ~ Hopeless ~ Despairing ~ Morbid ~ Sullen ~ Desolate ~ Miserable ~ Overwhelmed ~ Pleasureless ~ Joyless ~ Fatalistic ~ Empty ~ Passionless ~ Bereft ~ Crushed ~ Drained

INTENSE SUICIDAL URGES

Agonized ~ Tormented ~ Self-destructive ~ Tortured ~ Anguished ~ Bleak ~ Numbed ~ Doomed ~ Death-seeking ~ Reckless ~ Devastated ~ Nihilistic

Note:
If you're feeling any level of suicidal urges, don't think that you have to wait until you're in the throes of torment to reach out for help. If you can learn to catch your suicidal urges when they're in the soft stage, you can often stop yourself from falling into the pit of anguish. In the territory of the suicidal urge, your capacity for emotional awareness and articulation can literally save your life. For more information on this empathic approach to emotions, see the suicide chapter in my book
The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You.

If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, please know that free, safe, confidential help is available. In the United States, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). For other countries, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has a list of crisis and suicide prevention centers throughout the world—
www.iasp.info/resources/index.php
.

How to Be Helpful to Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide
(from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website SuicidePreventionLifeline.org/GetHelp/Someone. The content was developed by the American Association of Suicidology, suicidology.org)

• Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.

• Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.