The Art of Hero Worship (22 page)

The woman starts to sway, and I think she
may be suffering from smoke inhalation. She stuffs the baby into my
arms and rasps, “Hold onto my son…” Then she looks plaintively at
Liam, “and find my daughter, Sara!!” Next, she’s on the ground, her
eyes closed. Having never held a baby before, I struggle with the
squirming bundle, and at the same time I try to hang onto the hand
of a little boy wailing, “Mama!” When I look to Liam for help, I
see a stubborn expression on his face that scares me almost as
badly as I was scared six months ago in the Harrison Theater.

“No… no, Liam….” My voice is low and quiet,
but I can tell that he knows exactly what I mean. But just in case,
I spell it out. “You can’t go in there.”

“I… I gotta…
You know
I’ve gotta find
this lady’s little girl!” Our eyes meet and the connection between
us is so powerful that I’m stunned. It’s as if I’ve been struck by
a bolt of lightning that shot directly from Liam’s eyes. At this
moment, we’re more connected than ever before and at the same time
more isolated. I want to nod, to give him my blessing to enter the
burning building so he can save the little girl, but it’s more than
I can ask of myself.

I try to dissuade him because it’s what
I
have to do… because I can’t lose him. “Listen, Liam, hear
the sirens? The fire department is on their way and…you’ll probably
only get in the way if you go in there.”

But he doesn’t hear my final argument
because he’s already on his way into the building, calling, “Sara!
Sara! I’m not going to leave you!”

Standing here on the sidewalk, one arm
juggling a wiggly baby, the other clutching the hand of a terrified
little boy, I know I can’t follow him inside. I rise to the
occasion and steady the baby in my arm, kneel down to comfort the
little boy, and try to figure out whether their mother has had a
heart attack.

But I’ve never felt more alone in my life.
Never.

***

The bystanders are moved back off the
sidewalk and herded into a nearby parking lot as soon as the police
and fire fighters arrive. Once the woman and her children are being
examined by EMTs, I have a chance to tell a few volunteer fire
fighters that my boyfriend is in the building looking for a little
girl named Sara. I’m quickly assured that they’re doing everything
they can to get all of the people safely out of the building.

I stare at the Oakwood Theater, thinking
that it’s not aptly named; it’s a brick building. I can see no
flames and very little in the way of smoke, but I know that what’s
going on inside could be as devastating as what happened on my last
visit to a theater. And the person who saved me from death and
subsequent depression, and who I view as a major part of my future,
is in that building, fighting the demons of his past.

I trot to an out-of-the way tree and at its
base lose the remainder of what’s in my stomach—and I heave again
and again—completely unable to cope with my terror at the
possibility of losing Liam to another tragedy.

I make my way to the front of the parking
lot where I stand and stare, my eyes glued to the wide front doors
of the theater, and although I have no idea how to pray, I find a
way. I pray with everything in me that the next face I’ll see
coming from the theater doors will be Liam. But my prayers aren’t
answered. I don’t see his face.

How long can someone be inside a smoky,
burning building without oxygen… and survive?
It’s been at
least ten minutes since Liam left me, probably more. I repeat in my
head,
Let him be okay, let him be okay, I need him, I need
him….

The vicinity of the theater is buzzing with
action—fire fighters, police, and EMT’s bravely do their jobs, news
reporters set up and speak grimly into the cameras in various
corners of the parking lot, some parents hug their children and
others wait anxiously for loved ones who are still unaccounted for.
And like so many times before, I’m frozen with fear. I want
everyone to be okay, of course, and I worry for BJ and Dacia. I
worry for the poor woman’s little girl, Sara, and for all of the
other children trapped in the theater. But I realize that my future
is in that building being a hero, as he’s compelled to do. Liam is
sacrificing his life for a little girl he doesn’t know because he
thinks that he failed in saving the life of another little girl who
he loved so much.

And so I wait. Every minute seems to last
forever.

When I finally see him emerge from the
theater, sooty and staggering, the limp body of a little girl in
his arms, I drop to my knees in the parking lot. I watch as the
little girl is taken from his arms and rushed to an ambulance and
then Liam is led behind a wall of uniformed people, where I can’t
see him anymore.

Liam is alive.
This time
his battle
with the demons that haunt his mind didn’t kill him.
But what
about next time?

What about next time?

I’ve never been angrier with any human being
in my entire life than I am right now. From my distant spot,
kneeling in the parking lot across the street from the theater, I
watch closely as my boyfriend is loaded into an ambulance, an
oxygen mask strapped to his face, and whisked away. I’m immediately
overwhelmed by panic that’s inspired by my fear of losing him to
yet another tragic event, coupled with yet another of his attempts
to be a hero. It’s more than I can handle.

I don’t stop running until I’m standing in
front of the door to my room. I knock and push open the door
without listening for BJ’s voice telling me it’s okay to come in.
He and Dacia are on his bed, thankfully dressed, and I scream, “Get
outta here—I gotta be alone—I’m sorry, but
go!”

“My man… whassup? You pissed cuz the show
got cancelled? I tried to call, but you didn’t answer. And there
was so much confusion around the theater. I guess some of the
people in the audience got stuck in there for a while.” BJ is
rambling like he feels really bad that I missed his girlfriend do a
frigging magic act. He approaches me and lifts his arm to pat my
back, but I slap first. Then I take a swing at BJ’s arm and when I
miss, I take a badly aimed swing at his face, but BJ easily blocks
it. “Hey, what’s the matter man? I can’t help that something
electrical got fucked-up in the theater and started smoking. Don’t
blame me. I called you as soon they told the performers and
stagehands to leave... but, no worries, the show’s gonna get
rescheduled.”

“Jeez, BJ, I had no idea Jase was
so
into magic,” Dacia adds.

Pop-pop-pop…

And I’m back in the theater…. It’s pitch
black and the sound of the shots makes me jump… I’m shaking and
sweating and I can’t find Ginny….

“Ginny, where are you? Ginny? Fuck! Where
are you, Ginny?”

I’m on the floor and reach around for her
but I can’t find her so I squeeze my eyes shut and curl up into a
ball under the seats and I wait for Liam’s heavy body to press down
on me and shelter me from the gunfire, but he never comes.

“I swear he thinks he’s back in the Harrison
Theater, Dacia… just look at him… ”

“You might be right… this is
too
weird.”

“Dude… dude… you aren’t in that theater!
Shit, Dacia… should we call health services? What do ya think?”

“I don’t know… but he’s totally losing it,
BJ.”

“Liam!” I call.

“Where
is
Liam?” BJ asks.

“I hope Liam’s not as disappointed as Jase
is about the show being cancelled,” Dacia offers casually.

Dacia’s senseless remark starts to break me
out of my flashback. I’m finally able to open my eyes, and I
realize that I’m in my dormitory room, curled up in a ball on the
floor beside my bed. “Liam.” I have no idea why I say his name
again.

BJ and Dacia help me up off the floor and
onto my bed. At this point, BJ realizes something is seriously
wrong with this entire situation. “Dude, what the fuck is going on
with you?”

My voice is shaky but I tell them what
happened because I need to be sure Liam is okay, and they can help
me figure it out. “We got there at seven… people were screaming and
running out of the theater because there was a fire.”

“There wasn’t a fire. Just a ton of smoke,”
Dacia corrects me. “So, for the record, there isn’t always smoke
where there is fire.”

I’m astounded by her lack of ability to
recognize the seriousness of this situation. “Liam went in to save
a little girl. She was lost and her mother asked us to go find her…
and I told him not to go, but he went anyway.”

“Well, shit. Your boyfriend is either stupid
or a hero.” BJ is about as clueless as his girlfriend. Even in my
distraught state I admit that they are freakishly well matched.

I go on with my story hoping they’ll get the
picture that, after the performers left, things got pretty dicey at
the Oakwood Theatre. “We could hear the sirens… I told him that
help was coming… but he went into the theater.”

“Well, where the fuck is Liam now?” BJ is
beginning to see the seriousness of a situation that he thought was
just a minor inconvenience.

“They took him in an ambulance… I need you
guys to find him for me. But don’t bring him back here.” I yawn.
And then I yawn again. The same twisted response that I experienced
after the theater shooting is happening to me again. My eyelids
feel heavy; I literally can’t stay awake. I’m so exhausted I have
to close my eyes but I need to know that BJ and Dacia will find
Liam.

I don’t want them to bring him back here to
me. I want them to take him home to his apartment and make sure
he’s okay… to stay with him and take care of him until he’s better.
But not to bring him back to me because I’m not the same guy Liam
saved six months ago. I’m a guy who survived hell, more than once,
and I need to move on from that place of loss and suffering.

And Liam is a loose cannon when it comes to
being a hero. I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to stop himself
from trying to save everybody, right and left, and reliving these
brushes with death that must somehow prove to him he has the right
to be alive. Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I’m exaggerating because I’m
scared. Or maybe I just want to be safe and to know Liam is safe
and…and I don’t know if this is possible.

As soon as I close my eyes I’m slammed by
sleep’s oblivion.

***

“Hey, Jase… wake up. Liam sent me back here
to look after you.” It’s Dacia, and for once she’s making sense.
“He’s wants me to tell you he’s okay. He was checked by a doctor
who said he suffered with smoke inhalation, but then gave him some
oxygen and released him from the hospital.”

I yawn. Waking up is close to impossible
with this weird sleeping affliction I have in times of stress, but
it becomes easier to open my eyes when I feel the sudden urge to
vomit. “Trashcan!” I dive for the trashcan beside the bed and barf
up pretty much nothing because I have an empty stomach.

“Ewwww!” Dacia squeals.

It’s hard to believe that Dacia’s in the
nursing program at Batcheldor. “Yeah, I know.” I tuck the trashcan
into the corner and sit up, sliding my legs over the edge of the
bed. “I’m glad Liam is okay.”

“I didn’t say he was okay.”

“You said they released him….”

“He’s okay, like medically… but not in his
head, you get what I’m saying, hon? The dude is like… desperate.
Because we told him you don’t want to see him.”

“He wants to see me?”

“Um…
yeah!”
Dacia sits down beside
me. “BJ basically had to tie him to the bedpost to keep him from
coming here.”

The reality of our situation is plain to see
and I have to make a big decision. I know that Liam is mine in
heart and soul, and even in body, but when someone, and I mean
anyone,
needs a hero, he will always be more theirs than
mine. And I don’t know if I can live with this prospect. “I can’t
see him right now. I’m not ready. I need to think. I….” I’m
rambling. “I need you and BJ to keep him away from me because it’s
over with us.”

November