The Art of Unpacking Your Life (28 page)

Julian blushed.

‘No. Not the former, obviously. See the baby.'

‘Okay. No sex, just paternal visits.'

He paused, embarrassed. ‘I mean, obviously somewhere else.' He looked up, hopefully, but with a naivety, which gave Connie even greater strength.

‘Far away.' Connie concluded forcefully. ‘North Oxfordshire is not going to be far enough.'

Julian nodded. ‘Whatever you want.'

Connie couldn't stop. ‘When are you going to tell the children?' Back to the children. Safe ground. Neither of them wanted to hurt the children. ‘Leo and Lou will take it very badly. They are adults.'

Julian paled.

‘Right, well, let me know when you have told them.'

He nodded.

It was like the end of a long meeting in an airless room. They were both drained. Of course, they would talk on and on about the situation. It would never go away. Sally and her baby had changed them forever. Right now, Connie was done. She looked at her watch. Ten minutes before he would board. She didn't want to hover, only to fake a wifely wave in front of Gus. She got up, scraping the feet of the wicker chair back along the decking. Julian mirrored her moves.

‘Constance, I know you wouldn't believe me now, but I do genuinely love you.'

Connie sighed. ‘Clearly, the love you feel for me is not the right kind.'

He looked suitably cowed.

Connie turned from where she was standing. Her boots comfortably sinking into the orange sand.

‘Happy birthday,' he attempted a smile. ‘For tomorrow, obviously.'

She held up her hand to acknowledge him.

‘I have something for you, but I wasn't sure. In the circumstances.'

‘Quite,' she said quickly.

She turned away, her phone bleeped. She swiped into her text messages.

Connie, I feel awful. I never wanted to hurt you. I thought you knew. Can you ever forgive me? Sally x

Connie deleted the message.

After their insane experience, the group tipped in the bar: talkative and eager to relive their dawn duel with death, except Alan, who looked surprisingly sullen. Since they were safe, Lizzie noticed the rhino danger slipped easily into being a story that they would always remember, like their times together at Harley Place.

This holiday was the glamorous adventure that Lizzie believed that she always wanted. A dangerous experience, which confirmed that she was alive. Now she wasn't sure. She started thinking about her local friends Sasha and Julie and missing their straightforward personalities and lives.

When the others peeled away, looking exhausted, frankly – Connie with Julian to the airstrip, Katherine and Matt to their room, Dan and Alan to eat brunch by the pool – Lizzie was left alone.

She perched on a barstool with yet another coffee, glad to be on her own. Julian was gone not only from her head and also from Gae, and she was subtly different. She couldn't quite place it. She rejected the bowl of coconut balls. It was a rare moment of calm. It struck her like walking into a vast, silent room. It was an unexpected breathing space. Time to think.

When the rhino charged, the others had unravelled. Katherine had wet herself, Sara had wailed as if her career was over, but Lizzie had stayed relatively calm. She was surprised by her reaction, but also proud.

She finished her coffee and thought that she would go to her room and make a list of things she wanted to do as soon as she got back home. She passed Sara and Gus sitting on the sofa outside the sitting room, overlooking the pool deck. Sara looked miserable. She ought to briefly join them. As she sat down beside them, she saw that Gus looked as low as Sara.

Sara folded her arms tightly across her body and looked wary. ‘Lizzie.'

‘Is anything wrong, Sara?' she was obliged to ask.

‘Nigel Sutton has confessed to Alistair Blunt. There will be a re-trial.'

‘Did he kill Jade?' Lizzie quickly thought. ‘Why would he tell a journalist?'

‘He probably couldn't live with the guilt,' Sara said glumly, glancing at Gus.

‘What does that mean for you?'

‘I'm finished as a barrister – set to be disbarred.'

‘Oh no, how awful.' She attempted a light joke. ‘The husband did it in the bedroom with the pills.'

Sara looked at her blankly. Lizzie realised her mistake. Sara probably never played Cluedo on a Sunday night.

‘I was thinking of Cluedo, the murder board game.'

‘I know about Cluedo,' Sara snapped.

Lizzie was annoyed. Sara knew about everything, she was worldly wise, but what did she actually experience? If she had had more life experience, perhaps she wouldn't have made a mistake with this case.

Gus appeared to be trying to intervene, leaning towards her. ‘Lizzie, you were brave this morning.'

Lizzie smiled, ‘It was quite exciting, though I shall be quite happy to get back to London alive.'

Sara stared out darkly. It was unlike her. Sara was constantly listening, reacting, amusing and diverting.

For once, Lizzie felt less complicated than Sara – in fact, than the whole group. Matt and Katherine losing a baby; Julian's revelation about his baby; Sara and her teetering career; Luke's divorce from his wife, his custody of his children, and his obvious love for Connie; Dan and Alan's unhappy relationship. Her concerns about her job, buying a flat, even finding a boyfriend were less insurmountable than she had previously thought. She had envied them all, particularly Connie. But she didn't want the high drama of Connie's life. She checked herself. She wasn't smugly thinking her life was sorted, far from it. Still, she was luckier than she thought. Lizzie felt a lightness, which didn't depend on her friends or their moods.

Sara was marooned on the sofa. She could only talk to Gus because he knew the truth before Alistair exposed it. Lizzie was long gone, yet Gus said nothing. He didn't give her his probing look. In fact, he didn't look at her all. Sara was ashamed.

‘What are you going to do, Sara?' he said eventually.

She hadn't thought about that, but looking at his expression she knew the answer.

‘Of course I'm on the back foot, despite my good intentions. I need to go back. Confess all, before Joanne Sutton does,' she sounded neutral. Years of practice talking to clients. She was very good at it. ‘There'll be a disciplinary hearing and, considering the profile of the case and Nigel Sutton's imminent re-trial, I will either be suspended or disbarred.'

‘Are you sure?'

She smiled. ‘I only understand the law, Gus.'

He gently returned her smile. ‘It's the right thing to do, Sara. Then you can live with yourself.'

‘Which is a good thing when no one else wants me.' She blushed. The comment was beneath her.

‘You think that someone will only love you because you are a high-powered barrister?' He paused. ‘You're harsh on yourself, Sara.'

‘Not as harsh as other barristers will be.' She mimicked what she thought the other barristers might say. ‘
Sara Wilson went completely off the rails. Normally it's the client who is a nutter. Sad considering how hard she worked to become a great barrister
.'

‘You are only human, Sara.'

‘That's the point.' She tried to wave her free hand amusingly. ‘I'll be buried. For once, Lizzie's spot on. I will end up a lonely lesbian in a Florida bungalow.'

‘Only you're not a lesbian,' he swung back, smiling.

‘A technical detail.'

‘Sara. You've been having sex with the wrong people, eh?'

‘Who is the right person?'

He stood up. ‘Only you know that, Sara.'

What Sara wanted to say was, I am going back to get disbarred. Might you want me after that? Take me to your tower of integrity. Of course, she didn't. Life wasn't a Mills & Boon novel. It was a bloody 18-rated movie.

Luke felt terrible. He was getting something, perhaps even a chest infection. It hurt as he breathed. His head was throbbing. His muscles ached as if he had overdone the exercise. He barely moved from his bed after Connie left for the ride. She hadn't wanted to go, but they both decided it was best for at least one of them to show up.

Luke was ill yet happy. When he had woken to find Connie standing over him, he had made a snap decision. Of course, there was a distinct possibility she was only with him for comfort after Julian's treachery, combined with a deep-rooted sympathy for the wounds that Emma had inflicted. However, there was a slim chance she might still love him. He wasn't going to live with regrets as far as Connie was concerned. If they had only one night together, so be it.

Lying in bed, smiling to himself, he was relaxed for the first time in a long time. He had no desire to move, certainly not to run. He was going to take a break from exercise until he got home. It was too hot. He didn't need to do it. If he wasn't fit enough for the Iron Man, he could always drop out.

He wound the duvet around himself. With Connie, he felt emotionally and sexually alive, when he had thought that those parts of him had been suffocated. Even the thought of making love to Connie made him grin. She must be back from the airstrip. Luke knew Julian would have fought hard to keep her. Yet he was calm. He had made love to Connie. It was as great as he remembered. He could do no more. He understood the situation was outside his control, but it didn't make him panic.

He heard the outer door scrape on the stones. Matt or Connie. He toyed with the odds of either. He was enjoying his game, when his door opened. He knew it was Connie before he rolled over to see her, standing with her back against the closed door. She stood watching him. ‘Are you feeling better?'

He shook his head. ‘Are you okay?' He studied her face.

‘Yes, I am.' She gave her half-smile.

‘Julian?' He struggled to say his name neutrally.

‘Gone. Banished to the basement. Didn't tell him about us.'

Luke briefly weighed up Connie's reasons for keeping last night secret. On balance, he was pleased. Of course, he would have loved Julian to suffer, but it could mean that Connie was using him to get back at Julian.

‘And Sally?' He said tentatively, aware how unpredictable pain was.

She walked straight up to the bed and swung her bag off her shoulder and crouched beside him. ‘Banished further afield,' she paused. ‘He has been sleeping with her for around five years.'

He took the bag out of her hands and held them.

She glanced up at him. ‘You are thinking that I must have known.'

He didn't speak for a moment. ‘I have never judged you, Connie. I'm not going to start now.'

She kissed him, before answering her own question. ‘Did I see a look between them and choose to block it out because it didn't fit my narrative? Honestly, I can't say.'

‘What are you going to do, Connie?'

She didn't answer. Instead, she bent down and dug a packet of Nurofen Extra out of her bag.

‘I've already taken far too many codeine.'

She dropped them back into her bag. They looked at one another. Luke ran his fingers down the side of her face, wondering if he had the strength to make love to her again. She captured his hand and kissed it gently, before letting it go.

‘Do you remember I showed you that photo of Gae in the forties?'

He nodded. ‘The land was ravaged.'

Connie leaned her head against his arm. ‘I found a notebook belonging to my grandfather.' She dug the book out of her bag.

Luke curled his fingers round her neck. ‘Brilliant. What does he say?'

‘I started reading it while we were camping. It's all about this being the last great wilderness and we need to protect and nurture it, leave it for our grandchildren.'

Luke smiled. ‘How appropriate.'

‘Is this boring you?'

‘I'm not Julian.'

She blushed.

Luke quickly wrapped his arm round her head and pulled her face right up against his. ‘I'm sorry, Connie. Very childish. Please. I'm interested and listening.'

‘I just rang my mother to ask why he ended up here. And I told her about Julian too. She acted as if I were going mad.'

Luke smiled, imagining Connie's outspoken mother's reaction. ‘I can imagine Felicity was
rather alarmed
in the circumstances.'

Connie gave a slight snort. ‘Rather alarmed, yes, such a Felicity phrase.'

‘How's Philip taking it?'

‘Dad's devastated,' she looked up. ‘I'm worried about him.'

‘I'll give him a call later.'

‘He said I should have married you.'

Luke managed a smile. ‘Well, we all know that.'

Connie dipped her head. When she did that she always reminded him of a swan: breath-taking but sad.

‘About your grandfather?'

‘Oh yes,' she looked relieved. ‘My mother reluctantly told me he came here because my grandmother left him for a pilot.'

Luke silently absorbed the similarities.

Connie nodded. ‘Can I read you something?'

‘Of course.'

‘Okay.' She carefully flicked the pages through to one she had marked with a piece of torn paper. ‘
Mother Nature is a great healer: all she needs is time and space. There are plenty of both here.'

Luke watched her silently. He could see where Connie was leading, as clearly as if she had written it on a white board, but he didn't rush her.

She glanced up at him. ‘He went on to write:
I want to restore the Kalahari to itself
. Isn't that beautiful?'

‘Yes,' he spoke quickly. ‘And a perfect metaphor. For him and for you.'

She smiled, delighted he grasped her full meaning. Studying with Connie had been wonderful. They led each other to the right conclusions. They both got almost exactly the same high 2:1.

She flashed him an emotive look. It reminded him of when she spoke about her first dinner with Julian. Waiting for him to thrust certainty upon her, which he could never do. Though now, he could meet her halfway.