The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (13 page)

     
Rout,
or in our case, rot

Thought for the day: Other conditions being equal, if one force (such as a pie) is hurled against another ten times its size (such as a Zombie), the result will be the SPLAT of the former.

When the common Zombies are too strong and their officers too weak, the result is
Insubordination.
Also a cry for some sort of hygiene.

When the officers are too strong and the common Zombies too weak, the result is
Collapse;
the Zombies go to pieces under the (Virus) strain.

When the higher officers are angry and insubordinate, and on meeting the Enemy, give battle on their own account from a feeling of resentment, before the Zombie-in-chief can tell whether or not he is in a position to fight, the result is
Ruin.
Zombie Leaders: Refrain from blowing your tops.

When the Horde general is weak and without authority; when his orders are not clear and distinct (Zombie leaders should possess some verbal skills and might benefit from evening ZSL classes); when there are no fixed duties assigned to officers and Zombies, and the ranks are formed in a slovenly haphazard manner, the result is utter
Disorganization,
a.k.a. Business As Usual.

When a Horde general, unable to estimate the Enemy’s strength, allows an inferior force to engage a larger one, or hurls a weak detachment (or a former attachment, such as an arm or leg) against a powerful one, and neglects to place pocked, er, picked, Zombies in the front rank, the result must be rot, er,
Rout.

The natural formation of the country is the Zombie’s best ally, but the power of estimating the adversary (them), of controlling the forces of victory (us), and of shrewdly calculating difficulties—speed, or lack thereof (as it is said, “The Dead schlep slowly.”), dangers (head trauma), and distances (related reading:
From Here to Eternity
)—constitutes the test of a great general. He who knows these things, and in fighting puts his knowledge into practice, will win his battles. He who knows them not, nor practices them, will surely be defeated.

GENERAL RULES

The general who advances without coveting fame and retreats without fearing disgrace, whose only thought is to protect his Horde and do good service for his sovereign, is the jewel of the kingdom (albeit as a Zombie, he is truly a diamond in the rough).

Regard your Zombies as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest basements. Look upon them as your own beloved sons and daughters, and they will stand by you even unto Undeath. If, however, you are indulgent, but unable to make your authority felt; kind-hearted, but unable to enforce your commands; and incapable of quelling disorder: then your Zombies must be likened to spoiled children. (In fact, they may likely be spoiled children.) They are useless for any practical purpose—except for eating BRRRAAAIIINS.

Hungry ghosts

I
f fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight, even though your ruler forbids it.
If fighting will not result in victory, then you must not fight, even at the ruler’s bidding. Take the reins (and the reign) in your grasping Undead hands.

If we know our Undead are in a condition to attack, but are unaware—as we usually are—that the Humans are not open to attack, we have tottered only halfway toward victory.

And if we know the Humans are open to attack, but are unaware that our Undead are not in a condition to attack (because we’ve lost our heads?), we likewise have lurched only halfway towards victory.

If we know the Humans are open to attack, and know our Zombies are in a condition to attack, but are unaware that the nature of the ground makes fighting impracticable (perhaps because it’s strewn with decapitated Zombies, half-eaten Humans, and abandoned vehicles), we have still stumbled only halfway toward victory, and are at this point completely confused. (Collective GRRROOOAAANNN!)

The experienced Zombie, once in motion, is never (completely) bewildered
. Once he has broken camp, he is never at a loss. He goes on to break the campers. And the counselors.

Hence the saying: If you know the Enemy and know yourself, your Zombie victory will not stand in doubt.
If you know Hell and know Earth, you know “When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth.”

Hit the ground shambling

S
un-Tzumbie said:
The struggle for WORLD DOMINATION recognizes nine types of situations.

     
Confused situations

     
Easy situations

     
Quarrelsome situations

     
Stable situations