The Autumn Palace (8 page)

Rubbing her eyes and finding gritty things in the corners, Ondine agreed to return to her room. Some people have worried so much about another's fate they have lain awake all night with the stress of it. Ondine was not such a person. Yes, she fully planned to worry all night about Shambles and whether he would ever be Hamish again. The new bed felt strange and cold; a recipe for further fretting. Her body, however, had other ideas and she fell asleep two pico-seconds after pulling the covers up.

Tasting a mouthful of dust, Ondine half-woke and prised her eyes open. It was dark – hardly surprising as it must have been the middle of the night. The true surprise was trying to swallow. Her tongue felt dry enough to leave splinters in her cheeks.

I must have fallen asleep with my mouth open
, she thought. Quickly followed by another important thought:
I need a drink
.

Eyes adjusting to the low light, Ondine saw
no refreshing glass of water on her side table. She attempted to swallow again and felt the ash-dry results. Wincing at the night chill, Ondine pulled her top blanket over her shoulders and did her best to be as quiet as possible so she didn't wake Draguta the laundry boss, who was asleep in the bed beside hers. She closed the door with a soft click and made her way to the kitchen.

At this time of night, she expected to be alone. No such luck. There in the kitchen, standing at the central galley bench, was a woman dressed in a shimmery satiny nightgown, with a whimpering fluffy white dog. A white dog with soft red gums, full of gouges where his teeth used to be.

The Infanta! Ondine tried to work out the correct form of address to use. Your Grace? My Lady? Her father would have known, but he wasn't here to help.

‘Your Highness.' Ondine quickly dropped into a curtsey. In any case, she couldn't say much more because her mouth was as dry as week-old bread. The woman smiled and Ondine felt a surge of relief
at getting it right.
³⁸

At first Ondine thought she'd surprised the woman, judging by the Infanta's shocked expression, but after a while it became obvious the woman's eyebrows sat up like that permanently.

‘Were you sent to the kitchens at this late hour, child?'

Croak, rasp. ‘No one sent me. I need a drink of water, Your Highness.'

The Infanta nodded her head towards the taps and put a spoon in the dog's mouth. For the smallest moment Ondine felt sorry for Biscuit. Straight after that she thought the dog deserved everything he got for attacking her beloved Shambles.

Glass of water safely in hand, Ondine decided to
get out of there before she said anything stupid. When she turned around, she saw the Infanta make a quick movement away from the large stockpot bubbling over a low flame.

‘What?' The Infanta's gaze bored into her.

Ondine was hardly going to say she thought the Infanta had put something in the soup. A queef of disgust
³⁹
spread through her at the thought that the Infanta was feeding the dog with the soup spoon. Or was the soup just for the dog? In which case it would be all right, if a little unconventional. However, if it was the communal soup, she should probably warn everyone it had Biscuit slobber in it.

Hot on the heels of that internal soliloquy, Ondine had another thought that pushed disgust aside and let fear in. Maybe the Infanta didn't put the spoon back in the soup. Maybe she put something else in the soup?

‘Sorry, I just . . . my eyes are still half shut. Please excuse me, Your Highness, I must get back to bed.'

Those imperious raised eyebrows made Ondine
uneasy. Somehow, Ondine felt sure the Infanta had put
something
in the soup and she had to tell Old Col the moment she got the chance.

‘What are you named, child?'

‘Ondine, Your Highness.'

‘And what did you see, Ondine, hmm?'

‘I . . .' She took a gulp of water and thought desperately for something convincing to say.

The dog provided inspiration as it licked the offered spoon. ‘I'm so sorry to stare, but I saw that your puppy has no teeth. I really wasn't expecting that.'

No change at all in the Infanta's expression. It was hard to know if this was deliberate. ‘No. Earlier this evening I wasn't expecting my dog to be mauled either,' she said. ‘It was my baby brother's new friend who did it. This had better be set to rights or there'll be trouble.'

Something else Ondine wasn't expecting – the Infanta paid no attention to her audience and put that licked doggy spoon back in the soup, confirming her earlier guess at the slurry of dog bacteria swilling in the pot.

Ondine's face must have betrayed her disgust, because the Infanta said, ‘He has a better pedigree than anyone else under this roof.'

Yes, but his mouth is still teeming with germs
, Ondine thought. How unfair that the Duke had set the health inspector on her parents' hotel, when all along he should have been paying closer attention to his own kitchen!
⁴⁰

Again and again, the Infanta spooned soup from the pot to the dog. The dog stood on the galley bench, licking away. A few drops of soup landed on the bench, right where the kitchen staff would be preparing food in the morning. The dog licked that up as well.

The Infanta stopped spooning and looked at Ondine. ‘You are new here, aren't you?'

‘Yes.'

‘Far too many people are being hired of late. I don't approve, but the Duke won't listen to me. Work hard and keep out of trouble. Plenty of people think
they know what is going on but they don't. You think you might know something, so you go and tell the Duke. Save yourself the bother. He isn't interested. If you see anything or hear something strange and you want to know what it means, you come to me instead, you hear?'

Ondine gulped and gave a meek, ‘Yes.'

 

32
   Rabies is a particularly nasty virus transmitted via bites from infected animals. The virus attacks the victim's central nervous system and sends them completely mad. In later stages of infection, the victim foams at the mouth as their body produces copious amounts of saliva. If not treated quickly, it is almost always fatal
.

In an attempt to placate nervous tourists, Brugel declared itself rabies free in 2005. However, neighbouring countries Slaegal and Craviç make no such claims. As everyone knows, wild dogs and bats (which are the main carriers) cannot read, and frequently walk or fly straight past the signposts advising them to keep out
.

33
   The little doggy's teeth did make a noise as they hit the floor, but as this sound has never happened in the recorded history of Brugel, there is no word for it
.

34
   Bet you wish you'd read the first book now, eh?

35
   The capital of Slaegal is called Norange. It's the only known word that rhymes with orange. Some people dispute this and say ‘strange' is close enough, and, indeed, it is a strange place
.

36
   From former US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld:

‘There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know
.

There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know
.

But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.'

Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing
.

Mr Rumsfeld forgot to add that there are ‘unknown knowns'. These are things that you did know, but have forgotten
.

37
   In Brugel, it is mandatory for all children to attend school until the age of sixteen. You can stay on longer, of course, and many people do. It's common to find senior-school students in their twenties. The rise in mature students became so alarming in the 1990s the education department had to allocate designated campuses for twenty-somethings. It also created the uniquely puzzling situation of some students being older than their teachers
.

38
   In some European countries, it is correct to address an infanta as ‘Your Highness', but only if she is the daughter of the ruling king or queen. As Brugel is ruled by Duke Pavla, and the Infanta is Duke Pavla's older sister, this is not the case. Brugel tradition requires her to be addressed as ‘My Lordship', even though she is a woman. Thereafter she is referred to as ‘Ma'am'
.

By calling her ‘Your Highness', Ondine promoted the Infanta to a station above the Duke, and the Infanta had no intention of correcting her
.

39
   ‘To queef' is to mentally have a little puke, without producing anything. You might also press your lips tightly together and blow your cheeks out like a bubble-headed goldfish
.

40
   This happened in Ondine's previous adventure, and, luckily for her family, Hamish gave everyone ample warning that the health inspector was on her way
.

M
orning? Isn't that when it's light? No such luck. Ondine woke to find Draguta giving her a gentle nudge on the shoulder and saying, ‘Time for get up.'

Darkness filled their room.
⁴¹
In the distance Ondine could hear people stirring and getting ready for the new day. There were noises of feet scuffing down the hall, the hiss of showers and the scrape of cutlery on crockery in the staff lounge as people had breakfast.

Hamish! Ondine's mind sprang into action. Some teenage slugabeds cannot get themselves right in the head or body before midday. Ondine surprised herself and her generation by getting dressed, cleaning her teeth and brushing her hair into a tight ponytail in record time. All the while she fretted. What if he had woken in the night and she wasn't there? Would he think she'd abandoned him?

When Ondine arrived in Col's room, she found her great aunt looking fresh and lively, ready for a new day. Unfortunately, when she clapped eyes on Hamish, he was still a Shambles-ferret.

‘Shambles, you're awake. Are you OK?'

‘All the better fer seeing yer beautiful face,' Shambles said as he climbed up on Col's shoulder so he could be eye-to-eye with a blushing Ondine.

‘You two, you're incorrigible,' Col said.

‘Then stop
incorriging
us,' he said.

Ondine giggled. Even though she was looking at a ferret, in her mind she could see Hamish's devilish grin and imagined his sparkling green eyes full of fun.

Old Col made a scoffing noise, then said, ‘I'm glad
you're here. We need to confab.'
⁴²

‘You've found out who's trying to kill the Duke?'

‘I'm good, dear, but not quite that good. However, Shambles has discovered that people are helping themselves to silverware and probably anything that can fit in your hand. So please take care when you're doing the laundry to go through people's pockets and remove anything valuable.'

‘Of course I will,' Ondine said, gazing longingly at the ferret-that-should-be-her-sweetheart and wishing he'd become human again.

‘And you're sure you're feeling OK?' Ondine asked.

‘Aw yeas, all ticketeyboo. Best sleep in ages.'

He certainly sounded confident
, Ondine thought. ‘But, you're still a ferret, even though I'm right here.'

‘Aye, yer a smart lass. Isnae she a smart one, Col?'

Aunt Col rolled her eyes. ‘Quite.'

Shambles gave the widest grin in a ferret's arsenal and winked at Ondine, ‘Sheer willpower. I've goat it in spades. Worked it out while I was under the table
and ye walked in at dinner. Had tae think on me feet. And it feels bettah staying like this instead of changing back and forth all the time. Sure and the Duke needs me tae be like this on account of being able tae do me job, lass.'

Niggling worries started niggling and worrying Ondine. ‘But . . . you like being human, don't you?'

‘Aw, I
loave
being human.' He winked again. ‘But ye know I have so many responsibilities now, and I cannae very well sneak aboot if everyone can see me. Now, as much as I love tae see yer smiling face, it's past seven, lassie. Classes start at quarter past. Ye'd best make yer feet yer friends.'

Giddy hope and confusion churned in Ondine's heart, which wasn't difficult considering the stress of the previous day, the earliness of the current hour and her bizarre conversation with the Infanta during the night. Which reminded her.

‘Don't drink the soup.' Keeping things short and simple, she explained her encounter with the Infanta, the spoon, the dog and the soup pot.

With a shudder, Old Col said, ‘I will inform the
Duke. Now, best you get to school. I will be taking a stroll near the arch of crepe myrtle trees on the western lawn around three this afternoon. Meet me there.'

‘OK. I'll see you then.' Ondine gave her great aunt a kiss on the cheek and gave Shambles a peck on the top of his head. They walked off in different directions – Old Col and Shambles towards the conservatory for breakfast, Ondine to her new classes. More nagging worries followed Ondine all the way to the school barn. Worries that went along the lines of,
I know Shambles needs to be a ferret most of the time, but when nobody else is around, he really ought to be my Hamish
.