The BACHELORETTE Project (The Project: LESLEE Series) (22 page)

I look in the mirror with the veil on my head. It’s the weirdest thing because at this moment I realize that some veils should be used for funerals only. Marriages are kind of like funerals if you think about it. It’s the official death of two individuals’ single lives. But, who’s to say that single life is great? I’m the prime example of why singlehood sucks, but other people may like being single.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m done with Mark,” I tell her. “I think I was done with Mark the moment he put on those Superman thongs and cape.”

“Hmm, I wonder where he got those,” Karen says drifting off. “Oh my God, Russ and I could have Superhero Saturday!” she exclaims. “That would be super kinky.”

“Anyway, Mark is a done deal,” I tell her. “And there’s no way in Hell I’d give him the dog back.”

“Well, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not surprised at what happened,” Karen tells me.
“
All his friends were trippin’ on Ecstasy. You didn’t notice that when you talked to him?”

Coming to think of it, his eyes were a bit glassy looking and he was a bit touchy. I guess I was blinded
so much
by his good looks that I didn’t realize that he could’ve been a bit drugged up. “I didn’t notice,” I tell Karen. “He seemed normal to me.”

“Uh, yeah, Leslee. If it wasn’t E that they were on, it was definitely something heavy.”

I sigh. “Karen, how come you didn’t tell me?” I ask her. If there’s one thing I’m oblivious to, it’s flaws in men. Isn’t it obvious?

“I tried to tell
you not to go with him!” she exclaims. “I tried to veer you away with the whole STD warning, but you seemed to not care. Leslee, you’re gonna do what you want anyway whether I say it’s a bad idea or not. You’re a very determined woman.”

“I might have listened to you if you said he looked like he’s on drugs,” I say and Karen smirks at me. “Out of us two, you’re the overly educated one.”

“Leslee,” Karen starts, “I’m going to school to be a doctor of English Literature, not a fucking street pharmacist.”

“Anyway, the Mr. Right Now thing didn’t work out, so I’m moving on to bigger and better tactics of dating.”

“Meaning?”

“It’s th
is company called Lonely Hearts,
” I say as I fix my hair in the mirror. Karen’s reflection in the background shows that she’s already annoyed with my idea, but I continue talking anyway. “It’s this video dating program.”

“Video dating?” Karen asks with a quizzical look on her face.

“Well, sorta,” I answer. “You make a profile on video, you fill out this questionnaire, and then they try and match you with a compatible partner,” I explain. “And get this! I can view videos of other members and choose who I’m interested in, and if they are interested in me as well, then we can exchange information and take it from there. Nice, right?”

“Sure, it is,” Karen replies slowly. “It sounds … well, it sounds ridiculous to me.”

“Karen, it’s not ridiculous!” I exclaim. “It’s my best idea yet.”

“OK,
” Karen says unamused. “Good luck with that.”

I smile. “Thank you. I appreciate that.” Just as I’m about
to try on another veil, Emily
walks in with yet another wedding disaster dress. Instead of being puffy and parachute like, it looks shredded and almost Halloween like. It’s a mummy dress for sure. An unpleasant look comes across Karen’s fac
e and I almost fear for Emily
’s life. Could a person be so stupid to bring Bridezilla another horrible looking gown? The answer to that
question is yes … yes, Emily
is this stupid and is unaware of the rage that she’s brought upon her. Karen takes a deep breath.

“Emily
, I want to like you,” Karen starts. “I really do. But this dress …” Karen gently lifts up the loose fabric shreds of the dress. Karen laughs. “This dress is the ugliest fucking dress that I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s not elegant, it’s not classy, and it certainly is not
royale
.”

Emily
puts her head down. “I’m
sorry, Ms. Culbertson,
” she says. “I know that it’s your special day and—”

“This is
not
just a
special
day,
” Karen says as
she puts her arm around Emily
’s shoulders. “This is my
wedding
day, and my first wedding to be exact. You only
get one first wedding, Emily
.”

“Yes, I understand, but—”

“No buts, Emily
,” Karen interjects mid-sentence. “You can either imagine me in a beautiful, flattering, whimsical wedding gown striding down the aisle like the queen that I am
or
you can imagine yourself striding down the road to the unemployment office. So, which one is it?”

“I’m t
rying, Ms. Culbertson!” Emily
pleads.

“I don’t need you to just
try
! I need you to just
do
!” Karen yells. “I need you to bring me a dress that will take my breath away and all you have done is pissed me off royally. I’ve grown exhausted of your i
ncompetent shenanigans, Emily
. Your disappointing mannerism has left me no choice.” Karen firmly puts her hands on her hips and delivers a death s
tare directly into poor Emily
’s eyes. “I want to speak to your manager … IMMEDIATELY.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I anxiously wait in the lobby of the Lonely Hearts office and begin to wonder if this is a bad idea. I just can’t get Karen’s facial expression out of my mind that may have suggested that I’m crazy, pathetic, and overdoing this whole dating research/finding a mate thing. Is it wrong that I only want what every other girl in the world wants: to find true love? Think about it! After elementary school, there’s high school then after high school there’s college then after college there’s your career then after career … there’s love. Instead of just focusing on a career, we realize how much we want to get married, have a partner in our lives to share everything with. I’m convincing myself that Lonely Hearts is not a bad idea, even though the name Lonely Hearts kinda screams desperate. I just want love in my life.

“Leslee Robinson,” the receptionist says and I look up. I can’t help but to notice the enormous, pear-shaped diamond on her left ring finger. Maybe she’s found someone here. Maybe … “Selena can see you now.”

“Thank you,” I say and walk to Selena’s office. I’m greeted by a very petite, thirty something Latina who bares a striking resemblance to Eva Longoria. I’m jealous already. Her office is filled with framed family photos, an oversized glass desk and a vase filled with red roses. Just like the receptionist, she too wears a gigantic rock on her left ring finger, but hers is round.
Bitches,
I think to myself.
Just flaunting the simple fact that you have men. It’s so tacky.

“Hello, Leslee!” Selena exclaims. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.” She gives me one of those fake air kisses that women give each other upon greeting. I smile as she looks at my shoes. “Are those Christian Louboutins?”

“Of course!” I tell her. “A girl’s gotta have nice shoes, right?” OK, so maybe I didn’t sell
all
of my designer stuff like I told Karen I had. These are my favorite pair of Louboutins. I couldn’t just
sell
them.

“Yes, they make the outfit,” she agrees as I take a seat in front of her desk. “So, what can I do for you today?” Selena asks. Isn’t it obvious why I’m here though? Isn’t it obvious when anyone is seeking out Lonely Hearts? I’m not here for my health per se.

“I’m ready to date again,” I tell her. “I had a very traumatic breakup in February so now I’m single and ready to put myself out there.”
Even though I’ve already been putting myself out there.
Maybe I should just be patient and wait for the right guy to come along. Maybe Karen is right.

Selena hands me a clipboard with a questionnaire. “Sounds good to me,” she says, smiling. “I’ll just need you to fill out a client profile and we’ll take it from there, OK?” I nod my head anxiously. “I’ll be right back,” she informs me. “I just need a little coffee refill.” Selena leaves the office.
I look over the questionnaire and begin to fill it out.

Name:
Leslee Robinson

Age:
2
8

Residence:
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Occupation:
Freelance Paralegal

Height:
5’8”

Weight:
120 lbs.

Hair Color:
Black

Eye Color:
Brown

Ethnicity:
American

Religion:
Spiritual but not Religious

Political Views:
I vote for who my parents vote for

Children:
Absolutely not

Hobbies:
Shopping, reading, more shopping, dating, spas, going to the beach, socializing with friends, I love to shop

Interests:
Desig
ner fashion such as the works of
Christian Dior, Versace, Gucci, Ralph Lauren, Manolo Blahnik, Christian Louboutin (see comments about shopping above), the justice system (my Daddy is a retired judge)

Smoke:
No
, thank you

Drink:
On occasion (F
YI: I like martinis more than I
like beer)

Are you looking for casual dating or serious dating?:
Is this a trick question?

What do you look for in a potential mate?:
Someone who is responsible financially, has good taste, is tall and handsome, does not have bad breath, excellent hygiene, someone who’s mother is not overly involved in their life (preferably someone whose mother is either dead or in a nursing home far, far away), someone who is independent, someone with no kids, someone with their own place and who owns a vehicle

Where do you see yourself in five years?:
Living in a mansion with a great career, the perfect man, and maid service

Where do you see yourself in ten years?
See answer above and add brand new Bentley or Mercedes Benz to that list

After completing my questionnaire, I take a breath of relief. I’m beginning to feel really good about this now. Before, I was a little reluctant to the idea of Lonely Hearts, mainly because of Karen’s judgmental facial expressions, but now I’m feeling a little better. I’m sure there’s a man out there that can appreciate my impeccable taste in wardrobe and my willingness to humor at the most random moments. There’s someone out there who will love me for me.

“OK, Ms. Robinson,
” Selena says as she enters the office. “Did you complete the questionnaire?”

“Yes, I did!” I say enthusiastically handing Selena the clipboard. She takes a seat at her desk and looks over my answers. “Some of the questions were very interesting,” I tell her. “There are some things on there that I never even thought of.”

“It’s all about compatibility,” she tells me while she continues to read my answers. Selena begins to display a look of confusion. She raises an eyebrow.

“Is there something wrong?” I ask.

“Oh, no,” she says quickly. “Nothing wrong at all.” Selena smiles at me. “So, I’m going to ask you a few additional questions, just to add more information to your profile.”

“Sure,
” I answer. “Fire away!”

“OK, so what is your favorite food?”

“Italian.”

“Favorite movie?”

“
Clueless
and
The Breakfast Club
.”

“What kind of music do you listen to?”

“Everything except country,” I say. “I completely despise country. I’m more so into the girly stuff. You know, Beyonce, Britney, Christina Aguilera, Lady Gaga, Madonna…”

“Oh, OK. That’s good to know,” Selena replies as she writes notes on my questionnaire.

“I’m sorry, but I have to ask,” I start, “what in the world do these questions have to do with me finding my perfect mate? I mean, the music and political views questions on the questionnaire … I just don’t get it. Is it that big of a deal?”

Selena’s mouth drops in awe. “You have no idea, do you?”

“I have no idea about what?” I ask eager to know what exactly it is that I’m lacking.

“About dating, compatibility?”

“I do know about these things. I’m a veteran dater!” I exclaim. “A compulsive dater at that! I just want to know why simple things such as politics and music are such significant factors in dating, that’s all.”

“OK …” Selena says as she begins to think over what I’ve said. “Let’s put it to you this way. As far as political views go, you’ll never see Michelle Obama going on a romantic dinner date with John McCain any time soon—“

“Because they’re married to two totally different people,” I say defensively, “and the age difference is a little extreme, don’t you think?”