The Back Building (18 page)

“Okay,” Jennifer said, squeezing my hand and encouraging me to continue my story.

“Hetty was more than a figment of my imagination, the doctors said she was a delusion. She was contrived to keep me out of trouble, although the revelation she existed is what got me in trouble. But that part comes later. Hetty kept me company when I was locked in my room, forced to repent for being disobedient. She encouraged me to work hard at everything I did. She was larger than life, she was always smiling and singing too, and boy, could she dance.” I took a moment to drink my tea and collect myself.

“Until I met you, Hetty was my only friend. That’s why I am afraid to share the rest with you, Jennifer. I don’t want you to think less of me.”

“You can trust me, Iona, we are friends.”

“I was sent away because of my disobedience. I cut my hair, was unable to make friends at school, and incidentally had an imaginary friend, Hetty. I was sent to Willard Hospital for the insane. My parents had no intention of having me return home which was evident by their lack of correspondence. I met James at Willard. James, mind you, was there from the time he was a small boy through no fault of his own. It is his story to tell, but trust me when I say that he never belonged there and that he is not insane. He tended the animals at the farm and I worked in the stables, which is how we met and fell in love. I was being tortured daily, I won’t go into the details, but I fell gravely ill and nearly died. As soon as I was healthy enough, I escaped. James and I planned to marry one day. We talked about settling in Waterloo, so when I ran he came here straight away to find me. It was a chance he took, but he found me. We were wed that night and have made it on our own for three years now. We owe a lot to Ben for giving him a job, and to you for helping with my home.” I gestured to the walls around me, so much that I learned came from this woman.

“You have been more than a friend, Jennifer. You are like a mother to me and a grandmother to my girls. Lucy was lucky to have had you in her life.”

“Well that is quite a story.”

“I have to finish. After Suzette was born, I felt very melancholy. I was not myself, you suggested it was the baby blues. I was tired and overwhelmed all day, and then felt guilty for not working harder on the house. Hetty forced me up at night to do chores. We scoured the place then, until James caught me and forced me back to bed. The house started to fall apart, I was tired, Suzette wanted to nurse all the time, and sweet Lucy just wanted my attention. I was arguing with Hetty about the rugs, of all things, when Lucy kept interrupting. I told her to go away and swatted her bottom. She took her blanky into the parlor and lay down. I never went to her. I knew she was safe, and the baby was sleeping so I took a moment for myself. It was selfish and I would give anything to have the moment back. I loved that darling angel more than life.”

Jennifer held me for a long time. “She was so lucky to have your love. Do you know how much your love meant to her? You hugged her one hundred times a day, sang to her, played with her and made sure she was taken care of. It’s okay to need a break. How many hugs did your mother give you?”

“Not many.”

“I suspected that.”

“Well, I blame Hetty.”

We both laughed at how preposterous that sounded. Then a remarkable thing occurred.

“Hetty, join us.” Jennifer beckoned for Hetty to come out from the kitchen and sit with us.

I moved over to make room for her wide girth, and then that girl sat down between us as if she truly belonged. Just then the baby stirred, and although I had yet to regain my strength, I stood to go get her. She was waiting, smiling at her mother, the woman who loved her more than life itself.

From that moment forward I knew that as sure as I was alive, Hetty was part of me. Those people in my life that really and truly loved me to the depths of my soul, understood this.

Together, my faithful husband, my angelic daughter, and my true friend loved me back to a health.

Chapter Thirteen

Topher

When Suzette was six years old she developed an imaginary friend. She named her friend Topher and spent hours clomping through the outdoors with him by her side. Often they would play chase, or pick dandelions to make wishes on. Sometimes they played dolls, which Topher didn’t like, or marbles, which he did.

In early September, I peered out the window and watched my daughter raking the leaves that had fallen from our maples into one large pile. She laughed and jumped into the mountain, flattening it as her bottom hit the heap only to be fluffed once more so that Topher could have a turn. Suzette never left Topher out, and even became insistent that he have a place at our table for mealtimes.

I wondered if my daughter, who played so innocently, was vulnerable to seeing things as I was. It concerned her father and me immensely. We decide to oblige her whim for the meantime and address it if it became a serious issue down the road.

“Tophy is hungry, Mama. He needs supper too.” She said looking up at me with wide eyes. I would pretend to plate whatever we were having to eat for Topher and put it in front of his imaginary chair but this did not suffice.

“No, Mama, Topher needs real food and his own chair. Baby John can move over to make room.”

So I moved the highchair with Johnathan in it closer to me and put a plate of real food in front of the chair with Topher who eagerly waited for supper. When Suzette’s milk spilled all over the table and dripped down the sides, she exclaimed, “Topher is sorry, he had an accident.”

I wiped the mess and said directly to Topher’s chair, “Topher, please be more careful with your milk.”

Suzette smiled when I talked directly to Topher and carried on as usual.

“Should we be worried?” James asked me after the milk incident that night. The children were both tucked into bed giving us a chance to speak alone.

“I know you don’t want her to be persecuted when she starts school next week. I am worried too, but if anything is going to help her it’s getting her acquainted with other children her age so that she can start making some real friends. I love our home, but it is secluded, James, she only has me all day long and half the time I am tending the baby. I honestly think this is the right choice.”

“When did you start to see Hetty?”

“I was much older, fourteen, I believe. Remember, Dr. Macy told me years and years ago that many children have imaginary friends and that it can be a normal part of growing up.”

“Yes, but how will we know if it’s more than just an imaginary friend? What if she is stuck with Topher for good? Sorry, Hetty, wherever you are.” He glanced around the room apologetically.

“I have come to accept Hetty as part of my life, and thankfully you have too. But, I also understand now that she isn’t real to anyone but me. She is a delusion, but this awareness came with age and experience, now I can carry on in public and no one would be the wiser that my friend was beside me. Remember, Hetty helped me through some tough times.”

“I know, but she put you through some tougher times.”

“Well, I don’t think we need to be worried. I think we give it a little time and see what happens in the next few months.”

The week went by in a tizzy and soon it was time for Suzette’s first day of school.

“How about the purple dress for your first day?” I asked, holding it out to her.

“Topher says no.” She replied. Topher was exhausting.

“How about the yellow one then?” I asked, putting the purple one back in place of the sunny yellow dress.

“Topher says yes.”

“Okay then, let’s get you ready. Hold up your arms for me.” I slipped the dress over her underclothes and then we braided her hair and tied pretty bows with green ribbons at the ends.

“You will make so many friends today, I can’t wait to hear all about it!”

“Topher is sad.”

“Why?”

“He knows he has to stay home and he is going to be lonely.”

“Topher can help me with Johnathan, how about that? I’ll be sure to keep him busy, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you, Mama.”

I felt all the air I had been holding in expel from my chest. Thankfully, Suzette had the wherewithal to realize Topher was better off at home than with her as she started kindergarten. I walked her to school, and lingered as she left me. She was growing up so fast. She didn’t cry like some of the other children did, instead she waved me off and ran along confidently.

It was an unseasonably warm day so I pushed Johnathan in his pram towards the mill to share the news with James. As we approached, I could see James from afar as he directed men with sacks of grain towards the warehouse. I admired him as he worked, he was clearly respected by the men who looked up to him for he had a tireless work ethic.

“Darling, what are you two doing here?” He ran towards me worried something was wrong.

“We thought we’d take a little walk through town today while Suzette was at school. I wanted you to know that Topher is not with her.” He took my meaning immediately and hugged me tight.

We had both wanted a normal life for our daughter and felt relieved. After spending a few moments with James, we walked further into town towards the bakery. I selected a white cake with vanilla icing for tonight’s dessert. If there was one thing I did not do, it was deprive my children of dessert as my mother did me. Usually we had berries with cream, or tarts, and pies, but tonight we were having cake.

I carried the cake box atop the pram and took the baby to watch the ducks glide across the pond in town. I found another woman and her small child and we chatted briefly. It turned out her daughter was also starting kindergarten today. We decided perhaps sometime in the next week we would allow the girls to play together after school.

Soon it was time to gather Suzette from school, I waited outside her building and my heart soared when I saw her holding the hands of two other girls. I knew she was capable of making friends and this proved it.

“Mama,” she yelled and ran towards me for a hug.

“How was your first day?” I asked, but could tell from the huge smile she wore that she enjoyed herself immensely.

“I made friends, Mama, and the teacher taught us how to write our letters. Can I show you?”

“Of course, let’s get home and you can show me everything.”

That night we had cake and felt the sweet blessings of the day.

Chapter Fourteen

Cat

The following morning after the same rigmarole of selecting an outfit that met Topher’s approval, we dressed, ate breakfast and went to school. I decided to spend the morning at home doing chores so the baby and I came immediately back to the house.

When I approached our homestead I noted that the door was ajar. I was certain I closed it. I had no doubt, for I was always concerned about the barn cats getting inside. The barn cats weren’t trustworthy with the baby, one even tried to smother him once, so they were not allowed entrance under any circumstances.

I felt a shiver go up my spine and then I heard the familiar voice. “Hello, Iona.”

It was Cat. She looked twenty years older, she was filthy and missing several of her teeth. I didn’t want to hug her for her attire smelled something awful. She had a peculiar look in her eye and I suddenly felt very afraid.

Cat held a knife in her hand, but laughed when she saw my eyes glance at it.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” She muttered somewhat jumpy.

“Cat. Why of course I am, it’s just unexpected. Please, sit, let me make us some tea.”

“Got any food?” I am starving.

“How about I make you some eggs?” Wondering why she was here and who else she had brought to my door. I cracked four eggs and scrambled them with water, put a dollop of butter in the frying pan and let them set while I made toast. Cat inhaled her food and I offered to make her more. She was afraid if she ate more she would vomit.

“Cat, where have you been? What happened to you?” I asked gently, putting my hand on top of hers.

“Oh, I’ve been around.” She said evasively as she made a circle in the air with her fork.

“Did you find Samuel?” I had to know if she found her husband.

“Oh, I found him alright, he already forgot about me though. He was bedding another young girl when I made it to him. I was sick, you remember, and he wouldn’t even take me in. He threatened to return me to my father’s home if I didn’t leave. So, I pretended to leave, waited for night to fall, stole the money I knew he kept hidden in his church shoes and ran.”

“I went to Rochester and spent time in a little town called Penfield. It was nice, but got boring after a while. I’ve been traveling a bit here and there. Thought I’d come see how you were making out.”

“Well, James and I are married. We have two children now and things have worked themselves out.”

“That’s good, that’s good,” Cat said, she was fidgety and kept glancing outside which caused me to wonder about her state of mind.

“How about if we get you cleaned up? I could draw you a bath and you can stay with us tonight if you need a place.”