The Bad Karma Diaries (19 page)

I don’t care about what we did to Jayne O’Keeffe. I said I was sorry but all those accusations of selfishness and bullying, they just bounced right off me, but now mum’s words have slid in like a razor blade.

I don’t know what to do – to make myself less selfish. Or (more important) to save Justine.

We are going to speak to Justine. Tomorrow. ‘We’ is me and Anna.

At break Anna said, ‘What’s wrong?’ She is a noticing kind of person, but also my behaviour was odd. Tense, I mean.

I said, ‘Nothing,’ in an aggressive, tense voice because I didn’t want to tell her. I thought she was part of the problem. She was part of me being so selfish.

She said, ‘Come on,’ then to Heeun (in a nice way), ‘Do you mind? There is just something we have to straighten out,’ and she took my arm and walked me down towards the bike sheds. She said, ‘Now what is it?’ in a very firm, direct way, not in a particularly sympathetic way but in a way that needs an answer.

I said, ‘It’s –’ then I looked away from her, at the sky, and my eyes filled up with tears. I couldn’t look at her. I was embarrassed and angry and ashamed. ‘It’s Justine’ I said, ‘Mum says she’s –’ and I said what Mum said she was.

Anna said, ‘She’s not!’ in shock, and then I started to shout, totally unreasonably, about what would she know, and what was it to her, and all the rest. She just took it. She didn’t shout back. She put her hand on my arm and said, ‘I know she’s not very happy …’

I said, ‘… and that’s my fault! I’m a rotten sister!’

‘No. You’re just an
older
sister. Like Renata.’

‘Like Renata?’ and I didn’t know whether this was good or bad because Renata is a total bitch to Anna, but on the other hand, she does love her, you can see that.

‘Yes,’ said Anna, ‘like Renata. Justine annoys you, but you love her.’ I hoped this was true. When I thought about it, I was worse than Renata. At least Renata makes jokes at Anna’s expense. I just ignore Justine.

Well then Anna had me back on side a bit, so I told her everything, about how selfish I was (although I didn’t say Mum’s exact words, I will never ever repeat them to anyone though I will never ever forget them myself). Anna didn’t say I wasn’t selfish.

She said, ‘Maybe we get carried away, like with Instruments of Karma, and we think something’s fun when it’s mean …’ And then she said, ‘and I feel bad, cause I’m a younger sister and I
knew
Justine was miserable.’

So now everybody’s feeling bad. Which is how it should be. If someone is miserable under your eyes and you do nothing about it, you
deserve
to feel bad.

We agreed that we would ask Justine did she want to come for chips and coke with us and we would find out then. We tried to find Justine after school to invite her this afternoon but we couldn’t see her, so it will have to be tomorrow. I should be able to ask Justine alone, but I can’t. Relations between us are so bad, I can’t. I am ashamed of this.

But Anna is an amazing friend. If I am selfish, it is not her fault.

So, Justine is NOT anorexic.

Now she is
not
, I can write it. (Though it is still a horrible word – just look at it. Look at that evil
x
and the sick kick of the
ic
).

She is being bullied. Being bullied stresses her so she loses her appetite, but she isn’t actually trying to control her food intake or get thinner. This is how we found out:

Anna came round ours at lunchtime and we asked Justine did she want to come up to the shopping centre for chips and burgers. She looked amazed and suspicious, but she came.

I didn’t know how we were going to approach this, what roundabout way we were going to lead up to it, but Anna is not roundabout, she is straight to the chase. Over the chips and burgers we just chatted about general things, then we got some sundaes and Justine seemed more relaxed.

Then Anna said, ‘The reason we invited you out is that we’re afraid something’s bothering you.’

Justine said, ‘Bothering me?’

‘Yeah,’ said Anna, ‘Look, I’m a younger sister so I kind of know how younger sisters feel and it seems to me something’s bothering you. Before I came to this school,
I
was miserable.’

‘You were?’ said me and Justine at the same time.

‘Yeah, because there was this bitch in my class, and she was just bullying me …’

‘You too?’ said Justine, and that was it. I wanted to exchange a look with Anna, but I didn’t, we both just looked at Justine, but in a casual, relaxed way because we didn’t want to scare her off. It was like trying to get a cat to take food from your fingers. But then it all came out, in kind of fits and jerks, like Justine was embarrassed about it (which of course she is).

Who is mostly bullying her is Jayne O’Keeffe.

When I heard that I went nuts. I forgot about being relaxed and not insistent. I shouted,

‘That little
cow
!’
and then, ‘I can’t believe we
apologised
to her! I’m gonna wring her
neck
!’

So then Anna and Justine exchanged a look and Anna said, ‘Calm down Denise,’ but Justine looked quite pleased. Then Anna said, ‘Did that make it worse for you, when we apologised?’

Justine looked at her plate, she said, ‘Yeah, well it did, she said
I
had to be punished for my sister spreading lies about her
… She didn’t dare say anything to Gita after all the fuss, so she just took it out on me …’

I let out an awful groan, and Anna grabbed Justine’s arm and said, ‘Oh no!
Sorry!’

Then I said, ‘Why didn’t you
tell
us?’ and Justine said, ‘Because …’ So I didn’t press her because there were only two possible answers and both of them were equally depressing – she didn’t tell me because a) we weren’t speaking to each other, and/or b) she thought I wouldn’t care.

Well then we had an emotional time. We ordered more sundaes and we all exchanged stories about Bad Times. Anna said about the girl who was bullying her in primary school – it all started because Anna didn’t have a TV so she didn’t know what were the programmes everyone was talking about. So I said shouldn’t she have told her mum and
forced
her to get a TV, and Anna said she was too embarrassed to tell her. Then Justine said
exactly
, that’s why she never said … (But all the same I can’t imagine anyone bullying Anna and I think that maybe she is exaggerating this story in order to relate to Justine’s problems). So then I said how I didn’t have real friends, just virtual and default friends, until I met Anna (which was not entirely true either because in kindergarten I was fixated on a girl called Siobhan MacMahon, but it was true enough, and helped me to relate). And then we started thinking what to do about the bullying, and I was all for just bashing Jayne O’Keeffe, but Justine said
No-oo!
and by that time we were
emotionally wrecked, like someone had squeezed us in the middle, so we agreed to all have a think and come back to it tomorrow.

And then as we were getting up to go, I said awkwardly, ‘Sorry Justine, sorry I wasn’t there for you.’ I don’t at all like saying sorry, but it had to be done.

She said (also awkwardly), ‘Oh, that’s ok …’ and Anna beamed on us.

It isn’t okay though, it’s awful. Yesterday I was so relieved about the anorexia that bullying seemed quite minor, but then I had a horrible dream with people jeering at me all the way through it, and then I remembered how miserable I was when I fought with Anna and that only lasted a few days. Justine’s been going months and months – not just without a friend, but with actual enemies.

I really do want to kill Jayne O’Keeffe. It is only Anna and Justine restraining me.

And I got worried in school.

I asked Anna, ‘How do we know she’s not anorexic? Maybe she’s been bullied
and
is anorexic.’

Anna said, ‘No, because she ate her ice-cream. She didn’t finish her burger, but she ate
both
ice-creams. And they’re very fattening. And she ate her second ice-cream very fast and with
relief because by then we’d started discussing bullying which meant everything was out in the open and she was relaxing. That’s why – when I saw her eating ice-cream, I thought probably she isn’t anorexic because an anorexic person wouldn’t wolf down something so fattening. When Renata’s stressed, she doesn’t eat, so I thought it might be the same with Justine, that she’s stressed, not anorexic …’

This was very observant of Anna.

It also explains why Renata is so thin.

We still haven’t decided what to do about Jayne O’Keeffe. We had all kinds of ideas. Then Anna said we should ask her mum. I think she’s right. I mean her mum can psycho-analyse the situation.

But that will have to wait till tomorrow, because first I had to get back home to
my
mum. I needed to get her alone. I had to do one nice thing and one hard thing. First (nice thing) explain that Justine is not anorexic, but bullied; and second (hard thing) say sorry for being so selfish.

Well if you think my mum said,
oh thank you darling, and you’re not really selfish
, then you don’t know my mum. She just said all right, and she was sure I’d try harder. But she was very very relieved about Justine, although she said we needed to keep an eye on her eating anyway. And then we had a hug.

But of course now
she
is thinking what to do about the bullying. She wants to tell the teachers. I guess that is the typical parent reaction. Telling the teachers is not what came into my
head.

Round to Anna’s with Heeun. We decided to let Heeun in on this because a) to leave her out would be hurtful and actually quite like bullying and b) she is very discreet and is definitely not going to tell anyone.
So we began to tell Anna’s mum in the kitchen, and when we got to the bit about who was doing the bullying, I said, ‘Jayne O’Keeffe!’ and Anna’s mum said, ‘The girl whose back you stuck the sticker on?’ and I said, ‘
yes
!’ and she just said, ‘oh dear’ quietly, but Renata said ‘Jesus! You two are like the government – lurching from one crisis to another.’ Anna’s mum said,
‘
Renata!’
(much quicker than usual), and then, ‘If you can’t say anything helpful you’d better leave.’

So Renata said, ‘Sorry,’ and Anna and me looked at each other, amazed, because this was a first, but actually I didn’t mind Renata being snide. It made me feel more normal.

So then we all started on what to do. Surprisingly Renata agreed with me – she said a good thump was what Jayne O’Keeffe needed.

Her mother said,
ye-es
, but that Anna and I had to be careful, we were already in trouble over Jayne O’Keeffe once. If we went and thumped her, and she told a teacher, then we’d be in
serious
trouble. This is a Good Point. In fact, unfortunately, it is an
Indisputable Point. Anna’s mum, like my mum, thinks bullying is something teachers have to sort out, but Renata said, ‘Oh
mum!
But they never
can
sort it out. I mean she’ll just get the silent treatment.’

Her mum said that was better than being actually mocked, but that yes of course, being ostracised was no solution really. Then she said what she was concerned about was Justine’s self-esteem, and Heeun said in her earnest way, ‘Yes, most important is for her to feel good about herself.’

Anna’s mum said in a kind of teacher-y way, ‘Exactly. And what are the ways we feel good about ourselves?’

And I said, ‘When we have real friends, not just default friends.’

Renata murmured, ‘Default friends’ in an appreciating voice (which means she thinks that’s a clever concept!) and Anna’s mum said kindly, ‘Yes, exactly, but unfortunately, we cannot just produce real friends for her, that is something she’ll have to do herself.’

Then Heeun said, ‘If she did something very well, she’d feel good about herself.’

‘Yeah,’ said Anna, ‘but she has to be
seen
to be doing it very well and it has to be a cool thing – I mean there’s no point her being very good at … chopping carrots if nobody sees her doing it, and nobody thinks it’s a cool thing to be good at.’ So we all laughed, especially me, cause Anna got chopping carrots from my soup kitchen for sure.

‘So what’s she good at?’ said Renata.

I thought and I couldn’t think of anything, and this was humiliating. I mean she has to be good at something and I should know what it is. All I could think of was the fact that she was good at playing doll’s houses when we were small, and that she does have a quiet sense of humour, but I couldn’t see how to turn that into anything.

‘Sport? Gymnastics?’ said Heeun anxiously. I shook my head. Justine is about as athletic as piece of wood.

‘No,’ I said, ‘and she’s not good at schoolwork either, so don’t ask.’

‘Being good at school work doesn’t stop you being bullied anyway,’ said Anna.

‘Art? Music?’ said Renata.

‘No,’ I said, because she never draws and she can’t play an instrument, but then I remembered, ‘oh, she does have quite a good voice.’

‘
Quite
good, or very good?’ said Renata.

‘Well, it’s sweet,’ I said, ‘and in tune. It’s not a big voice but it sounds … nice, sweet.’

We all thought about that. ‘Maybe she could join the school choir?’ said Anna’s mum. But we all shook our heads because that would take ages – she’d have to do trials and then she’d just be stuck in the chorus for ages, and nobody would notice her, and nobody really thinks the choir is cool anyway.

And then Anna said, ‘Oh I know …
Tommy!
’ 

The main thing I’m working on is being nice to Justine, because Anna’s mum said (and I knew anyway) that more important than revenge on the bullies was her having positive things in her life and stuff to look forward to.