The Bad Mother's Handbook (3 page)

Political Persuasion
If push came to shove I suppose I’d say
Conservative. I mean, they’re going to be in forever, aren’t
they? Anyway, if it wasn’t for Maggie Thatcher we couldn’t
have bought this house (although I can’t say I rate John Major
much). Truth is, nothing ever changes for people like us,
whoever’s swanning about in Number 10.

Religion
None.
Mum’ll put in a good word for us all when
she gets to heaven.

Physical appearance

Height
5’9”.
That’s going to put a lot of men off for a start.

Weight/dress size
12/14.
Depends how bloody Nan’s being.
Some days I can eat a whole packet of gypsy creams at one
sitting.

Hair colour
Brown.
Currently. I’m always looking for the
perfect hairstyle, the one that’ll solve my life for me. Growing
out a perm in the meantime.

Eyes
Sort of grey.
Charlotte’s got her dad’s blue eyes.
Nan’s are brown. None of us bloody match in this house.

Special Interests
Reading, drinking, watching tv.
Doesn’t
sound too clever, does it? But believe me, when the alternatives
are changing your mother’s colostomy bag or arguing with
your daughter, there’s no contest. Always meant to take up
something worthy, but there you go. Actually I do read quite a
lot. Joanna Trollope, Rosamunde Pilcher, that kind of thing.
It helps.

Personality

Do you consider yourself to be any of the following? (It may
be useful to ask a friend or relative.)
You must be kidding.
Charlotte would wet herself laughing if she saw this.

extrovert	generous	organised
shy	patient	creative
optimistic	thoughtful	spontaneous
loyal	down-to-earth	understanding

To be honest, none of these seems quite right.

Please feel free to add your own ideas below:

Knackered, bitter, unfulfilled, self-sabotaging.
Hence this questionnaire.

What kind of relationship are you hoping might develop out
of our introductions?

Christ. Just forget it.

M
Y LAST DATE
was a classic. We’d met in the Working
Men’s. It’s a bit common, but I go there occasionally
because it’s cheap and local, and if Nan gets up to anything
really mad Charlotte can nip across the road and let me
know. Sometimes I need to get out of the house in a hurry.