The Bare Bum Gang Battles the Dogsnatchers (6 page)

The snake even had a cool name. It was called Ray Quasar.

‘It's brilliant,' continued The Moan. ‘They feed it on live animals. Rats. Anything really. But it has to be alive. You can't just give it dog food or sausages.'

And that's when it hit me.

‘Quick, Noah!' I yelled. ‘Go and get me a pencil and some paper.'

‘Right,' I said when I had the equipment sorted out. ‘I think I've discovered what happened.'

There were some gasps then, although part of it was just Noah having a mild asthma attack because of all the dust in the bottom of the Lego bucket.

‘Think about it, everyone. Animals –
warm-blooded
animals, that is – have been going missing and poor old Rude Word has got the blame. Well, now we know he's innocent, but there is, in fact, a vicious predator on the loose – one that has a well-known taste for
warm-blooded
animals.'

I could see from their eyes that they were beginning to get it too.

‘What?' said Jamie. ‘Are you saying that there actually is a real black panther in the park?'

‘No,' I said patiently, ‘it's Declan's python.'

‘Or boa constrictor,' chipped in Noah.

‘What a load of rubbish,' said The Moan. ‘How can a pet snake eat three dogs?'

‘I'll show you how,' I answered. I sketched and explained at the same time, which was
quite hard because I always do my best drawing with my tongue sticking out of the corner of my mouth.

‘I remember reading a book and there was a picture of a python, or maybe a boa constrictor, and it had just eaten an elephant.'

‘ELEPHANT!' they all yelled.

‘Yes,' I continued. ‘And you could see it inside the snake. I can't remember how, exactly. I suppose it was probably a drawing and not a photograph. Yes, that's it, it was like one of those cross-sections you see, but instead of a battleship or a jumbo jet, it was of an elephant eaten by a snake.'

‘What is he on about?' said Jamie to The Moan.

The Moan shrugged his shoulders.

‘And it looked
exactly like this
,' I said triumphantly, holding up my drawing of the other drawing.

And this is it, although I've smartened it up a bit on my own since then, so it wasn't
quite as good as this to begin with and it didn't originally have the poo coming out of it – that was Jamie. I find it highly un-likely that an elephant inside a snake is going to be in a fit state to go to the toilet.

 

‘No way could that be real,' said The Moan.

‘It was in the book,' I said. ‘And things in books are always true. It looked exactly like this.'

Then there was a really big row. In the end Noah went and asked Mrs Walsh. She said that she didn't think there was a snake big enough to eat an elephant. Then she helped us go on the Internet, and we found
a film of an anaconda, which is the biggest snake in the world, eating a pig. Sadly, she wouldn't let us actually watch the film because she said it would be too gross and scary.

So then I went back to my pens and paper and drew a picture of the pig inside the snake, which everyone, even The Moan, said was really good.

This is the picture:

 

We all agreed that a pig inside a snake could easily happen.

‘And a pig,' I said, ‘is definitely bigger than a dog.'

Then I drew a picture of Trixie inside the snake.

 

‘I think this proves for an absolute fact that Trixie is the victim of a snake.'

‘I don't think you've completely proved it,' said Noah. ‘I mean, I admit that it's very likely, but very likely isn't the same as proved. I think we need to do some more investigating.'

‘Mmm,' I said. ‘Maybe you're right. Tonight we go to Declan's house to . . . Oh, drat, Noah, what's that really good word you use when the police have captured a criminal and they ask them really hard questions?'

‘Interrogate.'

‘Precisely. Tonight we interrogate the python!'

‘Or boa constrictor.'

I DIDN'T TALK
about the mission any more then, because I knew that this was a job for an Elite Force, the best of the best, which probably wouldn't include The Moan (because of the moaning) or Jamie (because of him being slightly thick).

So my Elite Force was going to be me, Noah, who always said that he wasn't afraid of snakes, and Jenny, who wasn't afraid of anything.

At tea time my mum and dad were talking about the mysterious disappearances again. There had been more of them, and it wasn't
only dogs now that had gone missing. A Persian cat called Fatty had vanished from a house on the new estate. And a parrot called Potty had gone too, leaving an empty cage behind.

It was obvious now what was happening. Ray Quasar was working his evil way through all the animals in town, and would soon move on to humans, probably beginning with the babies, before swallowing the children and finishing up with the adults, as a kind of dessert.

By my calculations, within three weeks there would be nothing left alive in town except for one bloated python. Or boa constrictor.

I telephoned Noah after tea.

‘There have been developments. We're meeting at Declan's house at nineteen hundred hours o'clock.'

I wouldn't tell him any more. Then I phoned Jennifer and explained all about Ray Quasar. She was very pleased to have
been selected for the mission, especially as her brother, The Moan, hadn't been.

Declan answered the door.

‘Hello. What do you want?'

‘We've come to talk to you,' I said, trying to sound like a detective or a secret agent. ‘And your snake.'

‘You want to talk to Ray Quasar? I thought it was only Harry Potter who could speak snake language.'

Then Jenny pushed past me. ‘Look,' she said, ‘we just want to find out some things about your snake. It's for a project. Can we come and see it?'

‘OK.'

Declan led the way upstairs. ‘Is this for school?' he asked.

‘Sort of,' I said.

Declan opened the door to his bedroom. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I thought there might be a giant python (or boa constrictor) coiled around his bed. But the
only things on his bed were a duvet, a pillow, and a special display case with his best Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

Then I saw the fish tank. Well, I suppose you'd have to call it a snake tank, because that's what was in it.

‘Come over to my vivarium.'

‘Is it safe?' I asked.

I was worried in case Jennifer had a panic attack.

‘Of course it's safe,' said Jennifer.

We gathered round the snake tank – I mean, vivarium. It contained a dried-up
branch from a tree, and there was a little wooden house in one corner. Oh, and there was a snake in there.

 

The snake had green and brown and white blotches in a complicated wiggly pattern on its back. And it kept putting out its tongue, flicker, flicker, flicker.

‘Want to touch it?'

‘No!' I answered, maybe a bit too quickly. I was speaking on behalf of Jennifer and Noah. I didn't want them to run out screaming.

‘I'd love to,' said Jennifer.

Declan reached into the tank and put his hand under Ray Quasar. The snake began to coil around his wrist. He lifted it out. It raised its head and looked me right in the eye – trying to work out if I would taste nice, I expect.

Jennifer stretched out her hand, and Declan touched her fingers and the snake wriggled from him to her.

‘It's beautiful,' she said. ‘Can I stroke it?'

‘Sure.'

‘Hey, it's lovely and dry. Not even a bit slimy.'

I was getting annoyed about all this. We'd come here to ask serious questions, not to get all kissy-kissy, lovey-dovey over a dangerous predator who might be busy digesting dogs, cats and parrots even as we spoke.

‘What kind of snake is it?' I asked. ‘A python?'

‘A boa constrictor.'

‘I thought so. And what does it eat, eh? Warm-blooded animals, I expect. Little furry
creatures? Big furry creatures? And other creatures with feathers? Isn't that right?'

Before Declan could answer Jennifer dragged me to one side, using the hand that wasn't holding Ray Quasar.

‘You don't still believe that this cute little snake ate all those other animals?' she whispered.

‘Yes, well, it might have. Look, I drew some drawings – I meant to show you earlier on.'

I took out the pictures I'd done of the elephant, pig and dog inside the snake.

The one with the elephant fell on the floor. Declan picked it up. He'd been quite well behaved up till then, not acting at all loony, but he made up for that now by running around the room laughing like a maniac.

‘Snakes don't eat elephants, you idiot,' he shouted.

‘I know they don't. And anyway, no elephants have disappeared, not lately. That was just the first picture. But look at these.
Snakes eat pigs and dogs, see? And it so happens that some dogs and cats – although not, so far, pigs –
have
disappeared. And I think we both know where.'