The Battered Heiress Blues (4 page)

“Me too. I’ve had enough of Peru to last a lifetime. Have you had breakfast?”

“No, but I’m sure one of the nurses would be more than happy to get you something,” I scoffed, making fun of his groupies.

“Funny,” he laughed with fake bravado, sitting up and turning towards me. “We could always eat on the plane.”

“Sounds like a plan. Let’s go.” I started to unravel the sheets from under me.

“Can I get a shower first?”

He didn’t need one. He smelled great and looked even better, unlike me. “Do you need help?”

He started to walk toward the bathroom, but looked back, flashing that devilishly gorgeous grin of his. “Don’t trouble yourself. I’m sure one of those dedicated nurses would be more than happy to wash my back.”

After successfully dodging the pillow I threw in his direction, he disappeared. With the sound of the water started, I decided to make haste and be ready to go, calling the nurse to remove my intravenous line and prepare the paperwork for my departure. She reviewed the discharge instructions left by the doctor and exited the room.

Henry had bought a few choice outfits for me to wear over the past weeks that included jeans and sweats. Though longing to wear the jeans, the thought of buttoning them and applying pressure to my waist made me quickly decide to choose the pink sweats. Hopefully, they were the absolute last things available in my size. Why would he choose such an obnoxious color, knowing my gravitation toward all things neutral?

The mirror didn’t lie. I was hideous. Without makeup and a real will to achieve beauty, there was no way to remedy my appearance. Pulling my hair up into a knot on the top of my head, I pinned it tightly. One solitary curl fell down at the side of my face, which I didn’t bother to readjust. The long tress fell across the last of the yellowing bruises and seemed to provide a bit of camouflage. The sound of the water ended and the bathroom door opened, revealing Henry bare-chested with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Can you hand me some clothes out of that bag?” he asked.

He should be in marble. I felt very plain next to him. I walked to his weekend bag and sifted through the options.

“What should I wear?” he thought aloud.

“You sound like a girl,” I protested.

“I’m asking so you feel comfortable, considering I bought you a leisure suit.”

“Well then, where is yours? That would make me feel more at ease.”

“They were out. I guess I’ll just go with the Abercrombie and Fitch.”

“You bugger. Hurry up. I’m ready to go.”

Nodding, he dressed, tussled his hair, and we were on our way home- to Connor.

2

T
he plane ride was long and uneventful. We’d bought some food on the way to the airport, but the gravity of the day diminished my appetite. Henry tried to persuade me to take advantage of the darkness and sleep, but I knew what the morning was going to bring. After our arrival at dawn and the drive home, I would only have a short time to change and emotionally prepare for Connor’s service. The quiet I was enjoying would soon be stolen by well meaning strangers.

Henry, on the other hand, had no trouble sleeping. Stretching out with a full stomach, he became lifeless, except for the occasional turn from one side to the other. The captain’s announcement of our impending landing woke him. Becoming very attentive, he prodded me to eat and drink some juice. Looking out the window, I prayed for strength to make it through the day.

I must have nodded off in the car, only waking when the vehicle came to a screeching halt at the gate to my mama’s house. Transferring ownership to me after her death, the house had remained well maintained and very stately. A tall red brick wall surrounded the property line at the road. Two black iron gates with an “S” scrolled into the design had been a gift from my father to my mother. Stopping at the black box to type in the security code, the gates slowly rolled away from one another, revealing a tree lined drive to the main house. I put down the window to take in the salt air. I felt like I was finally home.

The big white house was all abuzz with workers coming and going from the front door. The old Southern mansion had real charm with huge verandas on both levels. The rocking chairs on them were inviting, but no one had time to sit a spell on this day with tasks to accomplish before the service. Florists were delivering peace lilies and white roses. Catering trucks cluttered the circular driveway making it impossible to park at any close distance to the house. Tables and chairs were being unloaded and brought inside.

The car came to a stop and I paused, reluctant to open the door. Henry gave my hand a squeeze, signaling his support. I tried to smile in return.

“What is all this? I thought we were having a quiet, private ceremony for the family?”

“I told your father about your wishes, but you know how he is. I’m sorry.”

He exited the car and stood stoically, looking around at all the commotion. Shaking his head in disapproval, he walked around to help me out.

“Why don’t you rest for awhile? I’ll take you upstairs.”

“No. I’m going to the chapel. -Alone…to pray. I’ll be back. How much time do I have before people start showing up?”

“Two hours. No more. You’ll need time to get a shower. I had my assistant buy a simple black dress and heels. I hope they’ll be okay. They should be upstairs in your room. Are you sure you want to go alone? I can sit with you.”

“No. I’m sure Tommy will be there preparing for the Mass. Don’t worry.”

“-Easier said.”

I gave him a hug and my best look of having it together before walking toward the path that led to the small white chapel. Someone had tied ropes of white roses around the tree trunks that lined the path. The gesture wasn’t charming or sweet- just weird. This was a funeral- not a wedding. There would be no happiness today. If I could have tinted them all black to match my mood, I would have done it. The chapel doors were open and I could see the tiny casket sitting below the altar. Unlit candelabras were at the end of each pew, along with those ridiculous flowers. Sprays of floral arrangements with cards attached filled every available space.

Connor was alone and I was thankful. Stepping in the doorway, I closed it shut behind me. My feet ran forward, stopping the instant my hands found the wood. I tried lifting it to see if I had the strength to carry it over to the first pew. I did. The muscles in my abdomen silently screamed in pain, echoing the noises in my mind. Sitting back slowly, I rested him on my lap. The tears that had disappeared over the last week, returned in full force. I couldn’t look at the casket and think of him in there. I just imagined that I was holding my son as I did in that hospital room, fixing my eyes on the cross ahead. We sat together for some time before I heard the chapel door squeak open. Unable to bring myself to look back, I suddenly felt ashamed for having taken Connor from the stand. People wouldn’t understand me holding him like this. I wasn’t sure I cared.

“Hi.” My brother knelt down beside me trying to ascertain my mood, placing his hands upon mine.

“Hi.” I was happy to have Tommy with me. He and I had been inseparable since childhood. The loss of a mother and alienation of a father made us cling to each other as if becoming our own life raft. Tears silently paraded down my face and he reached up to wipe them away.

“I love you…so much. I’m so sorry for all this.”

“I can’t do this, Tommy.” My panicked eyes found his.

“You can. For him, you can. You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Stubborn and strong are two different things. It’s not supposed to end like this. I had plans for us. We had a future.”

“You still do, Julia. You just can’t see it now. God will…”

“Don’t start with the God crap.” He pushed the wrong button. I wouldn’t stomach his allegiance to any deity that would take my baby. “Where was your God, Tommy…the one you pray to every night? -The one who you asked to protect us during your nightly prayers. He doesn’t exist. A good God would never have let this happen. Please…” My head lowered in defeat.

“I’m sorry. Can I just sit with you?”

I shook my head in agreement; embarrassed for the tongue lashing I had given him. His intentions were honorable, but I still didn’t want to hear it, even if it was coming from my brother, the priest. We sat silently until Henry came to retrieve me. He looked a little perplexed, seeing us holding Connor’s coffin in our laps.

“Uh, you need to come and get ready now.” He stood, stumped about what else to say that would elicit movement toward the chapel door.

Tommy got up and asked with his eyes if he could take Connor from me. I moved my hands off the top of the wood to signal my approval. He placed him back on the stand and took a step back. Walking forward, I stroked the lid, and left.

Our walk back to the house was silent. Trucks were starting to leave and ahead of me, on the porch, stood my father, waiting to greet me. My stomach soured. If Henry hadn’t been at my side, I would have walked around to the back to avoid him.

“Julia.” His arms were outstretched and I had little choice but to walk into them. I couldn’t bring myself to return the embrace. My arms remained at my side as he half hugged me, equally uncomfortable

“John,” I replied, emotionless.

He broke our embrace to look at me. I could feel his disapproval of the pink leisure suit. Turning to Henry, he commanded, “Does she have something more suitable to wear?”

“Yes Sir. She’s going upstairs to change now.”

His attention turned back toward me. “Take a shower. Your hair…”

“I will. I’ll be presentable. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried, Julia. You are always presentable.”

I pulled away and brushed by him to enter the house. As expected, Henry remained with him. Climbing the stairs to my room, I shut and locked the door, figuring that Henry would try to sneak away to check on me and I was mad. I didn’t want to see him now if it meant cheating on my father.

The hot shower felt relaxing. I tried to focus on the task at hand, hoping to keep my mind from wandering beyond scrubbing my body and washing my hair. The dress that lay on the bed was simple and elegant. I put on the black slip and decided to dry my hair. The grooming products he left for me helped as I twisted my hair up into a loose bun. Opting to forego eye makeup, I decided to just add a little color to my lips and powder to my face. The dress fit perfectly and the heels were a manageable height. Looking in the mirror, I thought that I seemed presentable- the thought more a question than a statement of fact. Let the misery begin.

The house had come alive again after a year of no visitors. My father had hired a caterer to provide the food for his guests. The funeral had turned into an event; a networking affair for the who’s who of the business world.

I’d lost Henry again to a formidable adversary. When my father beckoned, he ran to his side like an old faithful lap dog. The sight of them together still made me cringe, despite the somberness of the day. Their partnership was a constant reminder of an entirely different kind of loss; for the heart keeps a different space reserved for romantic love, even when we have lost all hope.

Tommy delivered a beautiful service for Connor. I sat alone and motionless, in the first pew of the chapel, through the readings. Little could be said about a life that never came to pass. My brother spent most of his homily talking about my qualities and how my son missed out on a great mom; if only that were true. Hindsight painted another picture altogether. I would have said, “
Here is a sad, scared woman, who, in fleeing from her life, placed her helpless, and innocent baby in harm’s way. Before you, a selfish and broken woman sits, devoid of all faith and joy
.” That condemnation would have been far more accurate and refreshing to those in attendance, for I figured that most held the same skewed thoughts as me. At the very least, I was certain that my father held me accountable. I could feel his glare burn the back of my neck, from the row behind me, during the service. On this day, no one could hate me more than I hated myself.

With the closing prayer, my father stepped out of the shadows to invite everyone to the house for food. The small chapel began to empty and I was left alone. Tommy was busy shaking hands while Father led the parade to the refreshments.