The Battle for the Golden Egg (4 page)

the Golden Egg held high above their heads.

The samurai wept and ground their teeth. They lay on their backs and kicked their legs in the air.

Until something was found. A strip of silken undies. With a telltale streak of green.

Kingyo-Sama gave the underpants a sniff. His eyes bulged. ‘Cheats! We've been doodled. We've been diddled! Vengeance will be ours!'

And so started the Great Wasabi War.

Lightning crackled in the sky as the samurai climbed up the Dragon's Tooth. The wind whistled through their ō-yoroi. The samurai were marching to war.

Kingyo-Sama was at the head of the column. ‘We will show those filthy cheats,' he snarled, shaking his fist. ‘The Golden Egg belongs to us!'

High on the battlements of Castle Baka Tori, Buta-Sama watched as the samurai stomped closer.

Buta-Sama was eating noodles with fried locusts. His favourite meal. He chewed and chomped as he thought.

He needed to come up with a plan. A way to stop the samurai from scaling the walls.

A ninja brought Buta-Sama his pudding. Insect eyeballs with whipped cream. Yum. Buta-Sama slurped them down greedily, wiping his mouth on a servant's sleeve. Then he paused, looked down and stared at his bowl.

He had an idea. A wonderfully silly idea.

‘Prepare the hot custard,' Buta-Sama declared.

By mid-morning, Castle Baka Tori was surrounded. Samurai ringed the walls, banging their swords on their armour.

‘Give up the Golden Egg!' shouted Kingyo-Sama. ‘Or we will tear down your castle!'

‘Just you try it!' replied Buta-Sama. ‘We're not scared of smelly samurai!'

‘An insult!' shrieked Kingyo-Sama. ‘You are a disgrace to the laws of Bushidō!'

‘And you are the buttocks of a bald baboon!' boomed Buta-Sama, blowing a raspberry. ‘The Golden Egg is
ours
!'

And so the battle began.

Arrows flew through the air, shurikens were spun. Again and again the samurai charged the walls, but the ninja forced them back.

‘We're not letting you in,' hooted Buta-Sama. ‘You're too ugly. You'll scare off all the mice!'

But Kingyo-Sama had a plan. A cunning, clever plan. He knew what his brother hated the most. He commanded:

Buta-Sama froze. His face went white. Not seafood! Anything but seafood! It was too slimy. Too smelly. Too slippery. He'd hated it ever since he was small.

‘NO!' he shrieked.

But it was too late.

Great barrels of sticky seafood exploded over the castle walls. Ninja screamed as poisonous pufferfish slithered down their shinobi shōzokus.

‘Quickly,' ordered Kingyo-Sama, ‘scale the walls!'

Grappling hooks were thrown over the battlements. The samurai started to climb.

‘The custard,' screamed Buta-Sama, ‘fetch the custard!'

The ninja hurried back to the walls, heaving heavy buckets. Straining and sweating, they tipped the steaming custard over the walls.

Buta-Sama waited for the screams. But the screams didn't come. He peered over the edge.

Umbrellas! The samurai were climbing with umbrellas! Kingyo-Sama had thought of everything.

bawled Buta-Sama.

The ninja scurried for safety. They raced up the turret of the tallest tower. They locked themselves behind the door. And just in time, too.

Roaring in triumph, the samurai leapt over the castle walls.

‘We are defeated!' Buta-Sama blubbered. ‘
There's no escape!
'

BOOM!

The samurai hammered on the door.

‘Surrender!' screamed Kingyo-Sama. ‘Hand over the Golden Egg!'

‘NEVER!' bleated Buta-Sama. ‘We will die before we surrender to stinky samurai. We will boil ourselves in custard first!'

Giant pots were fetched. Fires were lit. The ninja prepared to stew themselves alive.

But Little Pig had an idea.

‘Buta-Sama,' she said, slinking up to him, ‘there may be another way.'

Buta-Sama had already removed his socks. He was halfway into a pot. ‘What, Little Pig? Tell me! What is this other way?'

Little Pig leaned closer. She whispered in his ear.

Buta-Sama paused. He stepped out of the pot. He put his socks back on.

‘That's the silliest idea I've ever heard,' he said, grinning.