The Bear: A Novel (15 page)

“Someone is
here to see you,” the lady singsongs through my eye cracks.

I open them and the room is so white and not the moon then Grandpa in the door. I smile because I love Grandpa and he smells like pipe and is really nice. He comes to the bed and he puts his big hand on me that is always scratchy and fingernails that are thick and Daddy says he must need a saw to cut them. Grandpa’s face is looking at me and he has a sort of smile and a sort of not smile.

“Hi,” I say.

He leans in and hugs me and I get to smell pipe and maybe a little of what Momma uses to clean the bathtub when we do it together on a sponge and it is yellow or like green and thick to make the bathtub white again. Grandpa doesn’t say hi back and that is like always because he says it with his eyes. I can hear him through his eyes so he doesn’t need to speak English like Stick doesn’t and no brain worms just his eyes. He is on a chair and sits by my bed and has a hand on my arm. I must be his favorite because I’m getting all the attention. He smiles more and then has something behind his back and I know that his eyes say to me that it is present time and not even Christmas or a birthday I don’t think because Momma would have a calendar with Xs so I know. He pulls out his arm and stuck on the end of it is Gwen!

Grandpa puts Gwen on my face and I hug her so tight and sniff and she has too much like something wrong is inside her and smelly soap but I don’t care because I can hug it out of her long enough so she will smell just right. She puts her stitched mouth against my cheek and she really really missed me. We love each other and we hug for a long time and I am so happy I have a big smile.

“Thank you,” I say to Grandpa because manners.

He nods and he is smiling in his eyes and I see they are a little red like he was in the pool but no goggles and I’ve never seen Grandpa goggles. I would like to go swimming in the pool but I am too tired and not now because Gwen doesn’t go swimming. I don’t want to leave her in bed like normal so I don’t ask to go to the pool. I want to just stay with Gwen.

“That warden, John, went back for her,” says Grandpa.

I think he means to the pool.

Another lady comes in with no Jell-O and she makes a big smile and has crayons. Her smile has really red lips and I think that she drew it on with one of her crayons. She puts the crayons on my tray and I have a piece of paper too. I want to make a paper hat for Grandpa but she says it is time to draw pictures. She asks me what I want to draw and I say Gwen. I draw a teddy that is not swimming and it looks like Gwen with brown fur and a black nose and the lady says would I like to draw something else? I say I would like to finish Gwen and she says what about from my trip. I say no thank you because manners and Grandpa gives me a twinkle smile. The lady and her crayon mouth smile more and I wonder if she left any red.

“Did you see your mother, Anna?” She asks me and I nod yes.

“A bit soon,” Grandpa says to the lady. He is standing on his feet and his big hand is on my shoulder and it feels nice and heavy but he looks at the lady not me.

“It’s a first assessment.”

And I don’t know that and Grandpa says “Harrumph” and sits down. His hand isn’t on my shoulder anymore but I feel his finger on mine and he has a leather hand. The lady asks me what she looked like and I think I’m not sure when. The lady says when I was on the island and not that long ago and I miss my momma and wish she would come. And the lady says in the trees when Stick and I were alone and did I see Momma? The crayon smile goes wide and she asks me to draw a picture and so I don’t know what she wants. I put a circle on the paper to start and she says “Oh, that’s the island” and I nod okay and she means when Stick and I were lost and I worry that Stick is gone. I lost him or maybe Momma and Daddy know that they left me behind. There are many things and they make me feel worry. She asks what else there was and so I put a tree because I saw him and there were trees when he was lost. I found him again and I think I should tell her. She wants me to draw so I make the trees and I put Stick’s body in them in the middle like how maybe he got lost. I can’t remember when I saw him the last time before.

“That’s her,” says the lady.

I had more colors because Stick needs yellow fluffy hair or you don’t know it is Stick. And I put pants but then I forgot no pants so I try to rub out the pants except I use black to make it look like the dirt on him. I put green plants in the dirt so everyone can tell it is dirt because the roots of the plants are stuck into it to grow. The black doesn’t look rubbed but it does look like dirt.

“Like an angel in the trees,” says the lady.

I say I don’t know and Grandpa’s eyebrows wiggle so wrong answer so I say yes with my head nod. And the lady asks why the skin is all white and I wonder if she’s ever seen Sticky’s hair because it is like that really yellow and it’s not the skin. The lady says it looks like the person in my picture has swallowed the moon because of the skin and I am feeling tired and I don’t really want to do pictures anymore. The lady asks if I want to put any more in and I look at her mouth moving with cracks in her lips. I try to get the red.

“Good choice.” She hands me the red.

There is a lot of red left and surprise because so much is on the lady’s mouth and I wish she would go away so I want to take her red. I put it in my fist like a baby holds a crayon and I start to press hard and make the paper as red as I can and all over the place. I look at it and ha-ha because now Stick is stuck in the picture and it looks like he has the lady’s lips all over him. I don’t like the lady and I hope she feels sad because I used her red and I look at her to see. She is looking at the picture and she has one hand on her chest and one on her mouth and she says, “Oh, we’ll need to work that through.”

That lady and her crayons leave and Grandpa says “Good.”

He stays for a long time and I like him sitting by me and the singsong lady brings a tray. Everyone on the tray has a hat and she takes off the hats and there is soup and a little sandwich with no crusts yay. I take a bite of the little sandwich because I like triangles and the points taste the best. I eat all three points and that leaves me with the circle middle and so I can pop that in my mouth and then the next and I gobble it all down and the soup that Grandpa helps me. It slides on my chin and there is a cookie that the lady gives to my hand and it is a little bleh like Arrowroots but it is okay. And my body feels better because of the cookie and my toes twinkle and say thank you and so I feel better and I would like to see Momma.

I look at Grandpa’s face and I feel worried about asking because his eyes say no but I need to see Momma because she needs to know that Gwen is back because she will be very worried.

“Did you see it?” Grandpa says in a very little voice.

“See what?”

“The bear.”

Grandpa’s face looks twisty and I see water in his eyes and I feel like he is looking inside me. I know it will be safer if he knows I am different and I shake my head. I point to my belly. “I have the black dog.”

“Bear?”

And I don’t know what Grandpa is saying and he has a cry coming from his eye and I feel sad because I didn’t know a grandpa could cry. I want him to be okay again.

“Yes.” I pat my tummy. “Black dog bear.”

It makes Grandpa happy and I am a good girl. He gives me a big hug and he is warm. I want everyone to be like usual and nice and I give him a kiss.

“Momma?”

Grandpa doesn’t say anything and he takes a nose breath like Stick except his nose is like five noses the size of Sticky’s so it is a louder and big breath. There is still air for me because they have lots in a hospital but if I was somewhere with less air like a tent I think I couldn’t breathe very good because the biggest noses like Grandpa would suck it all in and none left for me. And maybe there isn’t quite enough in the hospital because I try and suck in through my mouth and my nose but it’s still not in my body so I hope Grandpa stops breathing quite so much or the other adults with big noses.

“Your mother is not with us.”

I nod and there is a window on the other side of the room that I didn’t know and I wonder where we left her. And a TV and I would like to watch cartoons.

“Do you understand?” asks Grandpa.

I nod again because I am listening and that is manners.

“She’s in heaven now.”

“When will she visit me?”

“She’s staying there. She’ll be waiting.”

So much waiting all the time. My grandpa puts his chin on his chest and I know that Momma said this to me and so that is true but Grandma is dead too and in the hospital is when she died so I am dying too and the too-wiggly Jell-O was how I know there is bad things.

“I am dead?”

“No.” My grandpa lifts his head and looks at me and his eyes are red more now and he didn’t go in the pool and I see a small leak and so I know he is crying because how much he misses Grandma and me too so I get a tear in my eye because I would like her to come and visit me too in the hospital if I’m going to die and then I won’t see her.

“When will I die?”

“Not for a long time.”

And I sigh because that sounds so long it is boring and Stick must be waiting dead too. So it is just Grandpa and Gwen and me in the whole wide world and I hope not more Jell-O.

But it is too bad if Stick is dead because then I can’t teach him to spit Jell-O. I miss Stick so much and I feel my eyelids pull down hard. He could try and spit Jell-O and I would really spit it and if the lady or Grandpa got us caught I could say it was Stick and they would believe me because the Jell-O would smoosh on his face and wiggle there. And also Stick would laugh at the Jell-O and I could make it wiggle a lot so he keeps laughing and I want him to know about Jell-O.

“Can Sticky see?”

“Who?”

“Stick.”

“You need a stick for something?”

“Alex.”

“Your brother?”

“Can he see?”

“Not when his eyes are closed.”

“Because he got dead.”

“No. He’s asleep.”

“In heaven?”

My grandpa’s two hairy eyebrows are trying to get tied up in the middle of his face. “He’s right there,” he says and points.

I turn my head and look and there is a bed and this stumpy body and it’s Stick! I didn’t know he was there and I know most times because of his loud nose breath. No fair because he is close to the TV and that doesn’t mean he gets to pick the shows because those will be boring and baby and I am better at picking. But he is lying there and a sheet on his body but little arms are sticking out and he got a needle in one hand. Ouch. Except his face is gross. The tomato is really red and gooey and like a tomato got rotten and dropped on the ground and I think ugh. Bigger than even before. And I feel sorry for Sticky having that face but did he see my Jell-O that went far when it spit? So I want to ask him. I look and in the squish of the tomato I think his eyes are shut and I guess that’s why the lady gives me Jell-O and not him. I worry that I wasn’t looking through my eye cracks and he snuck cookies. I will keep watching because I want cookies too and that’s not fair if the lady just gives them to Stick.

“Poison ivy,” Grandpa says.

“Yuck.”

“Yeah.” Grandpa does a very small laugh that I can barely hear. “I’ll say.”

I stare at Stick because I can wake him up like that and not get in trouble most days because I didn’t do anything. I can’t do it now because the poison is shutting his eyes. I look at his big smooshed head and I feel my heart when I lost him and it makes me want to cry. I sniff Gwen and hug and I want to watch TV and so I stare at it and hope it will turn on. It is so close to Stick’s bed that I bet if I had that bed I could crawl to the bottom and be close enough to reach it and not fair because Stick is sleeping and too puffy to see anyway.

“Don’t worry; he’s going to be fine,” I hear Grandpa say.

I stare at the TV more because maybe it is a hint and he will see with his eyes that I want it on.

“You took care of him.”

I nod because manners and keep looking at the TV.

“My girl.” Grandpa touches my arm. “You did real good.”

“Okay.” I feel tired and so does Gwen.

“How ’bout a little TV?” says Grandpa.

And I smile.

Grandpa is
in his chair. Our house is dark and smells like pipe because it is nighttime. I am in my pj’s and on the top stair and it looks funny because the chair is in the front window of our house and not his house. I don’t know how the chair walked all the way from his house because it has no legs and it is here forever now. Only four small wood feet. Grandpa is asleep in the chair. I think the chair started to float in the wind and it got picked up and flew out the window at his house and down the street even though I know it didn’t. The wind blew harder and Grandpa went up into the sky and the cloud bounced and it wasn’t a rainy one so his socks didn’t get wet and he kept asleep and floated.

My feet are cold and I go creak creak creak down the stairs because our house is old. The stairs always tell on me. I had a cold in the hospital. It is better and Rose the housekeeper after Grandma died came from Grandpa’s house to our house. She found cream for skin that smelled not right and she put so much on I had a mustache. Stick laughed at my mustache and I didn’t think it was funny until I looked in the mirror and saw. I laughed and even I didn’t feel like it. Rose laughed and then she took the scrubber and cleaned the toilet. I don’t have a cold anymore and Grandpa is resting his old bones in his chair.

Our house is different now. Grandpa’s chair sits in our house and Rose opens the door all day. I don’t need school. Sticky’s hair gets brushed every morning and he doesn’t know why. People at the door have food. Or the door opens and I don’t know the people and I am supposed to smile but it’s okay if I don’t feel like it. I just woke up and it was nighttime and I thought I was in the hospital or on the moon but I am not. I am at our house but it doesn’t feel like our house. Grandpa is at our house all the time not just special days and that is nice.

I woke up and I called out for Momma but only in my head. It is nighttime and dark. She didn’t come and that’s how I knew that I am living inside of my dream. If I am having a bad dream she says I should get up and pee. The bathroom light is on. I remember the tent. The most important thing is I have to remember to pee after I get to the toilet. There is no toilet when we are camping. There is a toilet in my house and I peed and still Momma didn’t come so I have to be inside my dream.

I creak on the stairs and it doesn’t even wake Grandpa up. If Daddy was sleeping on the couch he would wake up and smile with warm whiskers. Grandpa has a little snore and very white hair that looks like Rumpelstiltskin made it on a spinner and put silver on his head in a very nice way. His skin is brown and wiggly like Daddy’s shoe that is leather but on Grandpa’s cheek except he has gray eyes that are from Momma’s and mine and Stick’s. I like his little snore and his chest goes up and down. I touch his knee.

“Wha?”

Grandpa’s head lifts up like a turtle out of his shell. There was a turtle at school except his name might have been Francis or Franny and I can’t remember. He had crinkles on his neck. The turtle poked his head out and blinked his eyes at me and that’s how we became friends except not as much friends as Fluffy the hamster but still a lot. Grandpa’s eyes open and they look more like water in a pool and there is a new part of red around the sides. I reach up and say ouch to his eyes.

“Red, huh?” He sniffs his nose.

I sniff my nose too.

The toadstool of Grandpa’s chair is stuck out from the bottom and I put my knee on it to climb up and it goes thump and shuts. I go whump. My bum goes bang on the floor.

“Whoa!” Grandpa kicks forward and pulls me up on his lap. I am safe and he reaches down to the magic handle at the side of the chair and makes the toadstool pop back out. We go leaning back and his feet go up in the air on the toadstool at the same time. If the wind comes we will float down the street and that’s in my dream too.

“Still not talking, Anna?”

I cuddle my face into his soft shirt and he smells nice like Daddy’s leather shoe too. Not a turtle.

“That’s okay.” He pats my head. “What time is it? Still time to sleep.”

I put my ear on Grandpa’s chest and listen to rumble.

“Had a bit of trouble myself.”

I listen and da-thump. His voice sounds like bark is stuck in his throat and it is making him whisper. He goes ahem and it rumbles. It is like very quiet thunder boom boom swish and rumble rumble. His arms squeeze. I blink. We stay in Grandpa’s chair and my head on his chest and it goes up and down. I let my eyes fall and my head feels lighter and finally because a cloud comes by and I think that is nice.

“I miss her so much,” he says.