The BEDMAS Conspiracy (6 page)

The closer we got to the gym the louder the yelling got. “Ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two!”

The crowd was in a frenzy. Marty was nine meatballs away from reaching his goal. His cheeks puffed out with meat. He looked like a chipmunk.

“Ninety-three, ninety-four!”

“Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick,” said Daniela.

“Take a deep breath,” I told her. “The stage fright will pass in a sec.”

“It's not the stage fright,” she said. “It's Marty and those meatballs. I can't watch!” She covered her eyes.

Daniela and I did our best to get backstage. We needed to find the rest of the band and let them in on the plan. But it was difficult. Wilcott was going berserk.

“Ninety-eight, ninety-nine!”

Marty was on meatball 100 when we finally got backstage. He picked up meatball 101 and gazed at it. I noticed he was looking a bit green. He hesitated. For a moment, I thought I might have enough time to gather the band and give them the scoop. But then he popped the meatball in his mouth, swallowed, and raised his arms in the air. The room went wild.

“Stay hungry!” yelled Marty as he exited the stage with his fists still in the air.

It was our turn!

“We've been looking all over for you!” huffed Sludge. “Where's Daniela?”

“Look, this is—”

“Hey, he's cute,” said Beena.

“Really cute,” agreed Meena. Beena and Meena smiled at “Olaf.”

Sludge knew something wasn't right. “Wait a sec—” he began.

“Yeah,” I interrupted. “
This
is Daniela. But today she's our cousin, Olaf. From Sweden. I'll explain later.”

Sludge looked our new lead singer up and down. “Cool!” he decided.

We took our places. As Sludge knocked his drumsticks, I started to wonder if Daniela would be able to pull off our Swedish switcheroo. I wasn't worried about her singing. Her voice was low and husky. And, while I was proud of my quick thinking, I began to doubt if a simple wig and a pair of sunglasses could cure Daniela's stage fright.

I stole a look at Daniela. I tried to catch her eye but she was staring at the ground. Instead of starting the song, she let the introduction run long. I started having a mini freak-out. What if Daniela's vocal chords were paralyzed with fear? Shooting a few sideways glances at each other, Beena, Meena and Sludge did their best to go with the flow. We repeated the introduction to “Detention Blues.”

Was Daniela going to faint? I debated running over to catch her fall. Slowly, she raised her head. Finally, she looked out into the crowd and glared fiercely. Raising her arms dramatically, she wordlessly demanded that all of J.R. Wilcott get on their feet and clap. My new cousin Olaf was working the room! With the crowd clapping rhythmically, Daniela started to sing the first line of “Detention Blues.”

Suddenly my stomach sank. The song! Sludge had written “Detention Blues” for
Daniela
. It would make no sense if it was sung by a guy. Luckily, Daniela proved to be very quick on her feet. She changed the lyrics on the fly:

I'm just a dude with blond hair
Singing a tale about things that aren't fair

She continued to improvise.

A girl falling for guy from the wrong side of the hood
Between them many weeks of detention stood.
After school she was free as a bird
But he was trapped until December 3
^rd
.

The Detention Blues, oh so blue
And he's also grounded, too.

Wilcotters loved it! They clapped to the beat as Daniela strutted around the stage. They swooned as she crooned and shimmied and shook. She even pulled a grade sixer up on the stage to dance with her. Feeding off the energy, Meena ripped into her guitar solo. She electrified the room. Finally, Daniela dropped to her knees and looked into the crowd. Together, they sang the final chorus:

The Detention Blues, oh so blue
And he's also grounded, too.

Sludge came out from behind the drums. Sick on a Snow Day joined hands and took a bow. The crowd roared with appreciation. “Olaf” took an extra bow and the room went wild! Finally, we left the stage. In the end, the contest wasn't even close. Backstage, the other acts were gracious about our victory. Marty lay on the ground, wastebasket nearby, but he gave us the victory sign.

“Great lyrics,” said Rocks Mudman of We Wuz Framed. “Everyone knows what it's like to be stuck in detention.”

“When did that blond kid transfer here?” asked Kristian Bloch of WETPDA. “We could use someone with his charisma to help us head up our new campaign, ‘Totally Tofu/No Pigs in Pigskin.'”

I was saved by my lead guitarist and bassist. Meena grabbed one of my arms and Beena grabbed the other. Together, they propelled me into a corner where Sludge was already waiting. I had some explaining to do. I gave them the quick version of events.

“I never would have picked Daniela to have stage fright,” said Meena. “If anyone, I thought it would be you freaking out about your piano playing.”

“Me, too,” echoed Beena. “Quick thinking with the costume change, Adam. She looked great. I didn't really believe it was Daniela until she started to dance at the end.”

Sludge was a bit disappointed. “I wrote the song for
Daniela
. And now it's being sung by some Swedish dude named Olaf. I mean, I know it's Daniela—but it's just weird, man.”

Where was Daniela anyhow? Another pair of hands grabbed my arm. Expecting my cousin, I spun around and grabbed…Principal Losman.

“Congratulations to you, too, Adam,” he laughed. “Well-deserved, although I had hoped The Subtractions' song might have fared a bit better.”

I smiled at him, not really listening. Where was Daniela? I craned my neck trying to search for her.

“I'd like you and Daniela to meet me in my office in fifteen minutes so we can talk about that new lead singer of yours,” said Principal Losman. “I heard his name is
Olaf
?”

My neck quickly snapped back into place. I tried to appear casual as Principal Losman looked at me.

“See you in fifteen,” he reminded me.

I quickly went off to find my cousin—the red-headed one.

“M
aybe we should tell him the truth?” suggested Daniela.

“No way,” I replied. I had found Daniela and we were taking the long way to Principal Losman's office. “If we tell him the truth, we might have to give our crown to the Perogies,” I reasoned. “I've got a better idea. We make up some story about Olaf doing an exchange program for the semester.”

Daniela frowned, “What am I supposed to do for the next few months? I can't go around and pretend to be Cousin Olaf. The wig was really itchy and my Swedish accent stinks.”

“Don't worry,” I reassured her. “I'm pretty good at thinking on my feet. I came up with Cousin Olaf in the first place, didn't I? And on such short notice, too,” I added pointedly, as we approached Principal Losman's office.

We knocked and opened the door a crack. Principal Losman was sitting at his desk filling out some papers. I wasn't sure, but I thought he was humming the chorus of “Losman is Tops, Man.” He waved us into the two chairs in front of his desk.

“I wanted to talk to the two of you about your new lead singer,” he began.

“You mean, Cousin Olaf,” I said trying to appear in control of the situation. “He's our cousin from Scandinavia. Sweden, actually. You know—the country north of Denmark, south of Norway. Part of the Great Kingdom,” I floundered. I was beginning to regret turning down Sludge's offer to pull the fire alarm and buy us some time to come up with a plan. But I figured we were in enough trouble already.

“Daniela,” said Principal Losman, “I thought
you
were the lead singer of Sick on A Snow Day. What happened?”

I could tell Daniela wanted to come clean about her stage fright. Principal Losman was actually decent—for a principal—and he was looking at Daniela with understanding eyes. Before she could open her mouth, I interrupted.

“Cousin Olaf is actually our cousin on our mothers' sides. Their brother, Sam, once went over to Sweden on business. Computer stuff, I think. He fell in love with a stewardess and married her right when they got off the plane.” The story didn't sound too bad so far. I looked to Daniela for support. She nodded at me to go on. So I continued, “Our parents decided cousin Olaf should come here on exchange. So he can learn all sorts of new stuff.”

Principal Losman smiled. “Indeed.”

“Our school is a really good place...to learn new stuff,” I said lamely.

“Really good,” added Daniela, realizing that I was struggling.

“Especially if you have Mr. Papernick for math,” I added. “That man really knows his numbers.”

“But Olaf is not enrolled at J.R. Wilcott,” said Principal Losman. “How can he be on an exchange program if he's not coming to our school?”

Evidently, Principal Losman was going to be a tough nut to crack.

“It's a
special
exchange, Principal Losman. He's here to learn about North American culture. Instead of going to school, he does things like…”

“…go to the mall,” ad-libbed Daniela.

“Yeah! Totally!” I agreed enthusiastically. “He goes to the mall and then writes a report comparing our stores to Swedish stores. Then he emails the report to his school in Sweden.”

“It's a very
advanced
exchange program,” added Daniela.

“He also sees movies here and then compares them with the ones back in Sweden. Same with hockey games and donuts.”

The story sounded solid. In fact,
I
wanted to go on this cool new exchange program. I was sure Principal Losman was buying it hook, line, and sinker.

“So how did Cousin Olaf get involved in the band?” he asked, his mouth twitching at the corners.

“My throat started to feel sore last week,” fibbed Daniela, coughing a bit for good measure. “It got worse and worse until I didn't think I'd be able to sing. Adam and I knew that Olaf has a good voice.”

“We hear him in the bathroom every morning,” I quipped.

“It was a last-minute solution,” said Daniela, “but we were desperate.”

“As you heard earlier, Principal Losman, the guy can sing.” I added.

“Fantastically,” said Daniela. “He's got a great low register and wow, can he hit those high notes!”

“So we invited him to join the band,” I said, cutting Daniela off before she gave herself away. “I'm sorry we didn't tell you. It was a very last-minute thing.”

Principal Losman's lips twitched some more. “That sounds like some exchange program. Comparative donut analysis? I think I might sign myself up next semester.”

Then he started laughing. The jig was obviously up.

“You knew the whole time?” I asked.

“I knew the whole time,” he confirmed. “But I never knew you had such a good imagination, Adam. Comparing donuts!” He started chuckling again. “I think you should give creative writing a shot, young man.”

Daniela and I nervously waited for him to continue. On the one hand, he was laughing; on the other, he
had
called us into his office. We waited for the fallout of our attempted deception.

“I've got one last question for the two of you. If there were no sore-throat issues, why did you do it?”

Daniela took a deep breath. “I don't know what happened to me, Principal Losman. I woke up this morning paralyzed with stage fright.” She seemed relieved to finally tell the truth. “As much as I wanted to go onstage, as much as I had prepared, I just couldn't do it.” Then she told him how my idea cured her jitters.

“Impressive,” commented Principal Losman.

Daniela pleaded one last time, “The chance to sing in front of the school means so much to me, Principal Losman. Please don't make me let down the band. We worked so hard for this.”

“Olaf will appear at the District Donnybrook and that will be it,” I told him. “Then he'll be on a plane to Sweden. We promise.”

Principal Losman thought for a minute and then smiled. “I can see how much you love performing, Daniela, in spite of the stage fright. And how important it is not to disappoint your friends. Your secret is safe with me. I won't reveal your cover.”

Daniela and I smiled at each other in relief.

He continued, “But you need to keep this situation in check. Olaf will be responsible for his own education. Let's call it ‘self-directed learning.' In other words, he won't be attending any classes at J.R. Wilcott, understood?”

We nodded. The Swedish sensation was back in town!