The Best Bride (28 page)

She hunched down and stared fixedly at the stage. He'd already told her it was a lost cause. She still remembered the words as clearly as if he'd just spoken them. He'd been standing in her living room, handing her the detective's report.

Why had he done it? Why had he paid to have himself investigated? She'd called the man, then the state licensing board. Everything had checked out. Travis had no secrets
in his past. She appreciated the gesture, but it didn't change anything.

“Are you saving that seat for someone?” a man asked.

She recognized the voice before she looked up and met his gaze. He wore his khaki uniform, with the Stetson she loved so much. The brim hid his eyes from view, but she could see his trimmed mustache, and the straight line of his mouth. He wasn't smiling. Why was she surprised?

“For you,” she said, and moved the sweater.

He settled next to her. His arm brushed hers on the armrest. She started to move, then left her arm in place. If he didn't like them touching then he could be the one to shift in his seat.

Brave words, she told herself. They were in the middle of a crowd. Nothing was going to happen.

“You look very nice today,” he said.

She glanced down at her new skirt and sweater, then smiled and looked at him. “Thank you.”

Her smile faded when he removed his hat and she saw his eyes. Nothing flared to life in his brown irises. No emotion darkened the volatile color, no quick grin curved his lips. She was looking into the face of a stranger.

And then she knew the truth. He hadn't been lying when he'd said it was all a lost cause. Whatever feelings he'd felt for her had been locked away in a place she could never reach.

The room darkened and the first students appeared on the stage. There was no time for conversation. Elizabeth blinked several times and knew that it didn't matter. She'd turned her back on his offer of love, she'd taken the detective's report and had never called to discuss it with Travis. He'd gotten her message loud and clear. He knew she wasn't interested, so he was shutting her out. She'd gotten exactly what she'd asked for. Everything was working out perfectly.

“W
hat on earth did you expect?” Rebecca asked that night after dinner at Elizabeth's house.

Elizabeth shrugged. She cocked her head toward the living room. Mandy was watching one of her favorite cartoon videos. “I didn't expect him to ignore me like that.”

“You tell the guy to take a flying leap, and now you're surprised that he's not all over you?”

Elizabeth took the chair opposite her friend. She placed her coffee mug in front of her. “No one ever mentioned the words
flying leap.
”

Rebecca sighed. “I saw him the next day, Elizabeth. He was in bad shape. You walked out on him without a word. In my book, that qualified as pretty cruel behavior.”

Elizabeth stared at the table. She could feel the heated blush on her cheeks. “It was awful. I'm so sorry I did that. Travis is a great guy and he deserves better.”

“I'm not the one you should be telling this to.”

“I know that, too.” She risked glancing up. “What am I going to do?”

“What do you want from all this?”

That was easy. She wanted him to sweep her off her feet and make mad, passionate love to her. She wanted to spend the night lost in his arms. She wanted him to promise to love her forever, then hold her tight and never let her go.

Her eyes began to burn. He'd already done that and more. She'd rewarded him by throwing it all in his face. But she couldn't risk another mistake.

“I don't know.” She saw Rebecca's wide mouth twist with impatience. “Go ahead and yell at me, but you don't know what it's like. You haven't made the same mistakes I have.”

“I've made others.” Rebecca leaned back in her chair and tucked her long curling black hair behind her ears. “I've made plenty of mistakes. One thing they've all taught me is that the way to learn from them is to get on with your life. Hiding out accomplishes nothing.”

“Is that what you think I'm doing?” Elizabeth demanded.

Her friend looked at her steadily. “Yes, I do.”

“You don't know what it was like.”

“You're right. I don't. So what? It's over, Elizabeth. Travis isn't Sam. You're losing a good man because you're terrified of making the same mistake again. Here's a news flash. Everyone makes mistakes. And everyone gets to deal with making at least one huge one. Forgive yourself and get on with your life.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“You make it sound so hard. It doesn't have to be.”

Elizabeth sipped from her coffee. After the play Travis had stayed long enough to congratulate Mandy and to warn the girl he wouldn't be able to stay for the entire soccer
game the following Saturday. Elizabeth had offered to bring her home instead. They'd made the arrangements, then had parted. It had been so civilized, she'd wanted to scream. She didn't want calm, rational conversation with Travis. She wanted the passion.

“It's difficult to give up hiding once you've learned how,” she said quietly.

“I know. But you have to try.” Rebecca leaned across the table and squeezed her hand. “If you don't forgive yourself and get on with what's important, you'll have paid the highest price of all.”

Elizabeth sighed. “I'll have lost Travis.”

“Worse. You'll have lost yourself.”

* * *

Elizabeth stood in the silence of her small house. It was lunchtime and Mandy was still at school. Buster was asleep on his bed in the corner of her daughter's room.

Normally, being alone was a pleasure. She reveled in the quiet, knowing it would soon explode into childish laughter, the sounds of the television and Buster's high-pitched barking. Today she found no peace.

The pain in her heart hadn't gone away. If anything, it had grown, along with her sense of failure. She gripped her purse tightly in her hands and stared at the living room. When she'd left Sam, she'd been so sure she'd made the right decision. She'd protected herself and her child and had sworn to never make that kind of mistake again. She'd promised herself never to be emotionally vulnerable to love.

Had that been the lesson Sam's deception should have taught her?

She walked into the kitchen and studied the calendar pinned to the wall. Mandy had marked all her soccer games. Tomorrow Travis would arrive early and take the
girl to breakfast. They would leave, laughing with each other. Elizabeth knew she would stand at the window and watch Travis smile at her daughter. She would feel the loss when he touched her easily, perhaps even carrying her piggyback-style to the car. She envied her daughter's relationship with Travis. Elizabeth shook her head and wondered when she'd become a fool.

Next to the calendar was a bulletin board. Several of Mandy's class projects had been pinned up, as had a postcard from Elizabeth's parents. They were back from their trip. They'd called a couple of weeks ago to tell her all about the Orient. Elizabeth had listened politely and had avoided questions about her personal life. She'd never had the courage to tell them the truth about Sam. Her parents sensed something was wrong, but they wouldn't ask.

She couldn't tell them the truth. They wouldn't understand how she could have been so stupid. Elizabeth tossed her purse on the small table and balled up her fists. Damn him. She was tired of living only half her life.

It wasn't an emotional connection that kept her tied to the past. She knew that much. Her feelings for Sam had faded over the years. Looking back with the perfect vision of hindsight, she could see that she'd never loved him. He'd charmed her, showing up in her life just as she was ready to spread her wings.

So why couldn't she let go? She glanced down at her hands and slowly straightened them. Her fingers were bare. For over six years she'd worn a wedding band. She'd thought she was married. Mrs. Sam Proctor. It had all been a lie. That's what she couldn't let go. Being married had been part of her identity. It's as if she'd lost part of herself when she'd learned the truth. Her world had exploded, nothing had been as it seemed. She'd been left empty and broken, feeling as if she'd spent her whole life being a fool.

And lonely, she thought suddenly. Very, very lonely. Sam had kept her isolated from the world. He hadn't wanted her to work or have friends. Now she knew it was his way of making sure he controlled the game. She'd finally defied him and started working. That had given her a measure of independence, but hadn't taken away the feelings of isolation. She'd spent her entire marriage being on her own.

She stepped closer to the bulletin board and touched one of Mandy's drawings. It was a duplicate of the one she'd done for Travis. Three stick figures stood in front of a white house. Her daughter had even drawn in a puppy. The sight of the brightly colored picture made her smile. Mandy was going to be all right. Even as her world had been falling apart, Elizabeth had made sure she'd been there for her daughter. Her smile turned wry. Of course she'd had six years practice of being a single parent. With Sam gone so much, most of the responsibility had fallen on her shoulders. She knew she was capable of making it all work out.

So what was she trying to prove?

The thought came out of nowhere and stunned her. What
was
she trying to prove? That she was strong enough to make it on her own? She knew that already. That she had to punish herself for making a mistake? Maybe. She should have known. She should have seen the clues. She should—

“Stop!” she said out loud. “Just stop.”

She hadn't known. She hadn't thought to look for clues. Did that make her a bad person? Was Rebecca right? Did everyone get one free big mistake? Was it time to let the whole thing go?

Her gaze drifted from Mandy's picture to the postcard her parents had sent. The feeling of loneliness swept over her again. She realized how much she hated hiding from them, hiding from the world. She'd been so worried about
what everyone would think that she'd allowed the fear to rule her life. She'd left herself with no support to get her through the rough times.

Without giving herself time to talk herself out of it, she walked to the phone and picked up the receiver. She dialed from memory.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom. It's me.”

Her mother laughed with delight. “Your father and I have missed you, honey,” the older woman said. “How have you been?”

Elizabeth felt the hot tears flood her eyes and flow down her cheeks. She leaned against the wall and twisted the cord in her fingers. “Not that great, Mom. I have some things to tell you. About Sam. I don't know how to say this. I'm so sorry. I never meant to disappoint you. It turns out—”

“Just a minute, dear. Before you say another word, you don't have to apologize for anything to either me or your father. We love you, no matter what. Do you want us to fly out and be with you? We could get a flight today.”

Elizabeth sank into a kitchen chair and smiled through her tears. “No. You don't have to. Mandy and I are okay. But thanks for offering.” She drew in a deep breath to tell the rest of her story and realized she'd spoken the truth. She was okay. Probably for the first time in years.

* * *

“You're not eating,” Mandy said, waving her fork at Travis's full plate. “Don't you like the pancakes?”

“I'm just not hungry.” He winked at the little girl. “You sure wanted your breakfast, though.”

Mandy looked down at her half-eaten meal. A thin pancake wrapped around a sausage was all that was left of everything she'd ordered. “I was hungry. I went to bed
early, so I could sleep a lot. Mommy says I need to be rested to do good at my game. I'm going to score a goal.”

“I bet you are.”

She chatted about school and all her friends. He studied her small face, loving the way her eyes lighted up with her stories. Her hair was pulled into two pigtails. A red ribbon, matching her red-and-white soccer uniform, had been tied on each end. Her fresh-scrubbed face looked innocent and trusting.

He sipped from his coffee cup and tried to control the emotions swelling up inside of him. He adored this little girl. He missed the sound of her laughter and her cartoons, the endless questions, the way she crawled into his lap and demanded a story. He missed being loved by her.

He knew she still cared about him. They had planned several activities together over the next few weeks, but it wasn't the same as living with her. Or her mother.

Damn, he didn't want to think about Elizabeth. But he couldn't help himself. Staring at Mandy, knowing most of her features came from her father, he still saw traces of the woman he loved in her face. Loving and losing Mandy had broken his heart. Loving and losing Elizabeth was killing him.

The hell of it was he didn't know what to do. He couldn't think of any more words to convince her. He knew Rebecca had been right in telling him this was Elizabeth's problem and not his. Knowing the truth didn't stop him from wanting to fix everything. He couldn't, though. No one would tell him exactly what to fix. Louise preached patience and cooked his favorite meals. Neither made him forget. He'd tried words, he'd tried making love, he'd even tried giving Elizabeth that damned detective's report. Nothing had worked, and he'd run out of ideas.

“Mommy called Grandma yesterday,” Mandy said, then nibbled on her sausage. “She told me.”

“That's nice,” he said, then frowned. Hadn't Elizabeth mentioned she didn't talk to her parents much because she was ashamed? She hadn't even told them the truth about Sam. A flicker of hope sparked in his chest, but he doused it with cold, wet reality. Calling her parents didn't mean anything.

“They're coming to visit us at the end of the month. Grandma's going to take me out for Halloween.”