The Best Christmas Ever (15 page)

S
arah laughed, a little nervously. “Well, I’m glad I’m not the one who has to face the school tomorrow.”

Justin shook his head. “I’m not sure how to handle it. I never realized Amy’s death…” He trailed off.

Sarah stepped forward and placed her hand on his arm. He’d taken off his sweater and she could feel his muscles under the long-sleeved shirt bunch. “It’s her age. She’s meeting other children and their parents and she has recognized the differences. She doesn’t really remember Amy. All she knows is she’s different. It’s normal, Justin. There’s no reason to blame yourself.”

Justin sighed, moved over to the small kitchen table and looked out into the yard, which was brightened by a security light. “I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of this, Sarah.”

Sarah sat down at the table. “No problem. That’s what family is for. Besides, she could have told people Stephanie was her new mommy.”

Justin groaned. “That’s true.” He glanced at her
and must have seen something in her eyes, for he suddenly asked, “You aren’t feeling guilty, are you?”

She smiled. “It’s true I do battle guilt, isn’t it? Actually, I’m wondering if Stephanie was right when she inquired the other day if your other housekeepers had lived in.”

Justin growled. “That woman—”

“At least she’s consistent,” Sarah said. “I do have an idea, if you don’t mind.”

All serious now, Justin said, “Shoot.”

“Mickie actually thought she was the only child who had ever been without a mom. I’m sure someone at church is in the same situation, but I know Bill was without his mom. If I contact Bill and we go over to see Marcy, since Mickie is so in love with her, it might help for her to let them share with her. And then there’s a book, written on a child’s level, about death and pain and going on with life. It’s a real good book that subtly addresses those issues, if you wouldn’t mind my picking it up for her.”

Justin smiled, relieved. “Both ideas sound wonderful. I’ll try to spend a little more time with her in the evening to fill in that loss she’s experiencing.”

“I don’t know if it’ll do any good. Mickie may just want a mommy, and it’s something she’s going to have to work through. Kids can be very stubborn sometimes.”

“You’re telling me.”

“Hey, I’ve learned since I’ve been here.” Sarah stood. “Don’t worry about it. Pray, let God work it out. Who knows, maybe He wants Mickie to have a mommy and that was your wake-up call.” She winked and left.

Justin sat at the table, dumbstruck at Sarah’s words, until he heard her door click closed upstairs, then he stood and went up to bed, his mind still on the bombshell Sarah had dropped before leaving. Justin wondered if Sarah had any idea that he had been thinking along the same lines as Mickie these past two weeks.

He wondered what she’d do if she knew.

But since he wasn’t going to tell her, it was a moot point.

“I’m surprised you’re picking up Mickie today,” the all-too-familiar voice said.

Lord, why me? Why is this woman becoming my thorn in the flesh?

“Why wouldn’t I, Stephanie?” Sarah asked mildly as she watched the last moments of the rehearsal. Other mothers were standing around waiting. She saw two fathers and a teenager, too.

“Well, after what happened at open house…Of course, we don’t blame Mickie. I imagine it’s all so confusing for her, having no mom and a woman living in the house like that.”

She made it sound so tawdry, Sarah thought, disgusted. “Mickie has had other housekeepers,” Sarah said, though she did admit that with her feelings for Justin she had been thinking more and more lately of moving out. Not only because the attraction was mutual, but because she was afraid she was going to end up hurting him. She had gone back and forth in her mind about the infertility issue. The fact was, she was absolutely terrified to mention it to him.

However, she knew she was going to have to do
something, and Stephanie’s words only reminded her of that.

“Well, I’m not one to gossip—”

Yeah, right, Sarah thought.

“But there were a couple of women at church the other day who were asking just who you were and why you always came to church with Justin. I tried to explain you were only the housekeeper, but I don’t think they believed me.”

Sarah smiled. “That’s a shame. Sunday in church, why don’t you introduce me. I’d like to meet them.”

She walked off. Stephanie’s simple jealousy was going to give Justin a bad name at church. She didn’t know what to do. Since they were going to see Bill today, maybe she’d ask him if he had any ideas.

“I’m ready!” Mickie said, running up. “Are we still going to go see Bill today?”

Sarah smiled. “And Marcy.”

“Great!” She jumped up and down, then took off toward the exit. She waited for Sarah at the door, then walked across the parking lot. As soon as she hit the grass, she ran to where the car was parked on the other side of the field.

Mickie rattled on about school and practice until they pulled into the driveway to Bill’s place. Bill lived in a nice family house, one passed down through his father. She knew Bill had money but that he had never given up his job, insisting he was needed where he was.

Sarah wondered if he didn’t sometimes resent his father’s money and that was why he worked—to prove to everyone he could make it on his own. Still, Bill was a wonderful guy and had married a wonderful
woman. She liked being around them both. He’d been her friend forever.

“Well, hello, pumpkin,” Bill said, grinning and opening his arms to Mickie. She ran right into his hug.

“We got to come visit today because Aunt Sarah said so,” Mickie announced, then squirmed out of his arms and raced toward Marcy.

Marcy knelt and hugged the little girl, then took her to the kitchen, where she cut up an apple and gave her a glass of milk. “Aunt Sarah says you don’t have a mama, either,” Mickie said to Bill as she munched the apple.

Bill chuckled. “Thank goodness we have such a forthright child. Why don’t you and Marcy go look at that centerpiece you were going to borrow for Christmas dinner.”

He sat down next to Mickie and smiled. “I guess that’s just one more thing we have in common, isn’t it, Mickie mine?”

Mickie, who had been swallowing a gulp of milk, set down the glass. Looking up, interested, she asked, “What else do we have in common?” She didn’t comment on the nickname, just giggled.

“Well, we both had good daddies,” he said, nodding at her with a grin.

Mickie smiled back. “Oh, yeah, my daddy’s real good. He took me to the park the other day and tucks me in at night. Do you know, Nicole’s dad never tucks her in? But my daddy does. Of course—” Mickie frowned “—her mama tucks her in.”

She finished her snack and slid off the stool to play with the cat at her feet.

Bill knew Sarah had brought Mickie over for a reason.
He had prayed about what to say. Watching Mickie now, he realized this was the first time he’d ever heard her talk about her mommy. “You miss her, don’t you?” he said softly, picking up a box of treats and tossing one of the little cubes at the cat. The cat rolled over, holding it between its paws before biting down.

“Can I do that?” Mickie asked.

Bill tossed her a treat and she held it above the cat. She giggled when it sat up on its hind legs just like a dog, the way Bill had trained it to.

“Having a mommy must be the best thing in the world,” Mickie finally said.

Bill shrugged. “My mom died when I was five. I missed her a lot. But I had my daddy.”

“Jimmy told me I was the only one in the world without a mommy.”

Bill shook his head. “Well, that’s just not true. Many, many people don’t have mommies. But tell me, what can a mommy do that a daddy can’t?”

Mickie paused in stroking the cat, which was now curled contentedly in Mickie’s lap, sniffing the box of treats as Mickie stroked her. “Make chocolate coconut cakes?”

Bill frowned, hard. “I dunno. Seems to me your daddy has made that cake once or twice for us.”

Mickie nodded slowly. “Buy me dresses?”

Bill shook his head again. “I was with your daddy last year when he bought your Christmas present.”

She fell silent for a long time. “Mommies can make daddies happy when daddies are alone,” she finally said.

Bill was stunned. “Well, there you got me. But,
honey,” Bill said carefully, not wanting to hurt this little girl, “do you think your daddy is lonely?”

“Oh, no. He has me. That’s just what Mrs. Winters said to a friend of hers. I just wish, sometimes, I had a mommy so she could go with me to plays and stuff, like the other kids.”

Bill sighed. “Yeah, so did I. But my dad loved me. I was much luckier than others. At least I had a daddy.”

Mickie looked confused. “If you didn’t have a mommy, then you had to have a daddy, didn’t you?”

Marcy and Sarah were coming into the room and Marcy was lugging a photo album. Bill was happy when Marcy spoke up.

“Oh, no, sweetheart. I didn’t have a mommy or a daddy. I had several. My mommy and daddy both died when I was six years old. I had three different sets of parents raise me.”

Mickie was intrigued. “What do you mean?”

Marcy sat down and for the next hour she and Mickie laughed over pictures of Marcy when she was a little girl. She told Mickie how she’d bought a camera with some money her first set of parents had given her. Then, when she moved from foster home to foster home, she took pictures. She did admit there was one foster home she didn’t like, but that the third set of parents kept her until she moved out after she was grown.

Mickie was astonished, then happy when she realized other people besides her didn’t have a mommy or a daddy. She was especially happy when Marcy mentioned someone at church who didn’t have a mommy, a young girl she knew. Mickie told Marcy
very solemnly that she would talk to Missy next week and explain that not everyone had mommies.

Sarah was satisfied with the day’s events. But she wasn’t surprised, when, after looking at the pictures, having another snack and finally preparing to leave, Mickie said, “But I still want a mommy.”

What did surprise Sarah was when Mickie started her next sentence.

“I can’t wait until Christmas because—” The little girl suddenly clamped a hand over her mouth.

Sarah stared quizzically at the child. “What Mickie?”

“Oh, no, Santa won’t bring me what I ask for if I tell.”

She stroked the cat again, then said, “I do wish I had a cat, though. Do you think Daddy might get me a cat?”

Sarah stared at Mickie. Was that what she had wished for? Oh, dear. She’d have to tell Justin because she was certain that wasn’t on his Christmas list.

They started toward the door. Bill and Marcy escorted them out. But as Sarah started to get in the car, Bill stopped her. “Though you brought Mickie here today to talk, something is bothering you. Marcy mentioned you wanted to speak to me but said it could wait.”

Now she knew what they’d been whispering about on the porch as she’d helped Mickie into the car. She shrugged. “I do have a problem and thought maybe to ask you about it.”

Bill nodded. “I’m glad you came to me. Can you meet me for lunch tomorrow at the little restaurant near where Justin and I work?”

She knew which one he was talking about. He ate there all the time. Or he used to. She doubted he did much eating away from home since he’d married.

“Sure. It’s nothing really serious,” she said, her smile leaving her face as she thought about just what she’d wanted to discuss with Bill. “But if you’re busy maybe I should—”

Bill took her shoulders. “You’re like my sister, Sarah. When I didn’t have anyone, you were there. I’m never too busy for you. If you’d only stop letting your pride get in the way when I offer help.”

“But Marcy might not like—” she began, only to be cut off.

“Marcy knows you’re nothing more than a friend to me. She loves you for what you did during our teenage years.”

Sarah shrugged, feeling uncomfortable with the praise. “I didn’t realize you’d ever told her how close we were. And I love Marcy dearly but was afraid she’d feel threatened by an unknown.”

Bill chuckled. “We love each other too much for there to be any mistrust between us.”

Sarah shook her head. “You’re one of the lucky few, then. Okay. I’ll meet you around noon tomorrow.”

He gave her a peck on the cheek, then waved to Mickie. Marcy was just coming down the steps after having gone back into the house to answer the phone. She hugged Sarah, too, and gave her a peck. “Take care, Mickie. And next time you see Jimmy, don’t forget to tell him about the woman you met who had three mommies!”

Mickie giggled and waved bye.

Sarah got in the car and left. She could sigh in relief that she had accomplished two missions today.

First, Mickie knew she wasn’t the only one in the world without a mommy. Sarah wasn’t sure how much it would help. Maybe it would only open the door for Mickie to ask more questions, or maybe she would be satisfied completely. Still, it was a step forward.

And second, she had taken a step forward facing her fears about her infertility. She would talk to Bill and share with him the secret that she’d shared with no one except André. She would tell Bill what had really caused her breakup with André, tell him her fears and see how he reacted, then maybe she could figure out just how to tell Justin about her inability to have children.

She would decide if a relationship with him truly was a lost cause and she should just drift away, leaving him to find someone else to fill the empty space in his heart.

And she knew it was there. She’d glimpsed it in the short time they’d become closer. Oh, yes, Justin was just as lonely as she was. And if she wasn’t wrong, she thought he might be seriously considering asking her to live happily ever after with him.

But
could
he be happy after her secret was discovered?

S
arah glanced around nervously, straightening the collar of her top, then smoothing her skirt.

“Relax, I’m sure Mickie’s teacher has explained everything.”

Sarah watched all the people mingling in the school auditorium, moving back and forth, finding seats, laughing, shaking hands, rushing children toward the back of the closed curtains on the dais. “Why did I come?” she asked, more to herself than anyone around her.

“Besides the fact that you’re like me and obviously love to be embarrassed,” Justin joked, then grinned, “you have a niece who would have been very upset if you hadn’t shown up.”

Sarah glanced up at Justin, who was in a pair of jeans and a pullover sweater, looking as if he hadn’t a care in the world. “I’m sorry,” she said in a low voice. “I didn’t realize you’d be embarrassed, too.”

Justin shrugged. “Not exactly embarrassed, just expecting
some less-than-sensitive person to make a joke about what Mickie said.”

He urged her forward toward the fourth row, then motioned her toward the middle. “I’m worried about someone making a nasty comment,” she replied, murmuring it for his ears only.

“No one will,” he said, so certain.

“How can you be so sure?” She seated herself, noting a small crowd not too far away pointing, their heads together. Her cheeks turned pink.

“I’m intimidating, if nothing else,” he replied, and took his seat beside her.

That caught her attention. “You
know
that?”

He chuckled and turned his warm gaze on her. “I’ve perfected it for business. One look can send troublemakers running.”

She rolled her eyes and fell back against her seat “I don’t believe you. All this time I thought you didn’t realize how you make people quake in their boots.”

“They quake in their boots, do they?” he asked arrogantly.

She couldn’t help but giggle. “You’re incorrigible!”

“Maybe, but you’re smiling now.”

Seeing the glint in his eyes, she said, “You did that on purpose.”

He shrugged.

Deciding it was wise to change the subject, she said, “So, is Mickie excited?”

Justin nodded. “She was dancing circles around the teacher when I dropped her off. She certainly has enough energy for the entire class tonight.”

Sarah smiled softly. “I know. She made me try the
costume on her each time I put another seam together. She had to watch its creation, step by step.”

“That’s Mickie. Do you know, at three years of age she asked me how the earth was made and how come, if the sun was a star, the other stars didn’t have earths, too?”

Seeing the proud smile on his face, she realized he wasn’t complaining at all. “She’s something special.”

“She sure is. I love her. My only regret is that she doesn’t have a brother or sister.”

Just like that, Sarah’s smile collapsed. But she was saved from Justin’s noting it by the dimming houselights. Kids. Did that mean he wanted another one or that he
had,
at some time, wanted one when Mickie was younger? Maybe he thought he was too old now to have another baby. At least, she tried to tell herself that.

She felt his warm hand close over her smaller one and couldn’t resist the touch. Justin was not only causing her current conflict, he was also the very one who soothed it whenever she got too uptight.

Though he didn’t know what was the matter, he always seemed to sense when something bothered her and found ways to put her at ease.

His hand felt good, warm, secure. She liked the feel of it. She didn’t fight him but leaned closer, resting her arm against his and absorbing the heat from him, as if she could absorb his peace.

To a point it worked. The play started and she was able to relax as the children came out and sang an opening song. The play was about the shoemaker and the elves who came to help him make his shoes. Of course, it didn’t follow the fairy tale exactly. Everyone
had a lot of fun as the different shoes sang their songs of what Christmas was about One pair, ballerina slippers, sang about the dancing at Christmas. Another pair, children’s shoes, sang about favorite baby dolls that children liked. Then a pair of tennis shoes that belonged to a little boy sang about how bad he’d been and how he wouldn’t get anything this Christmas. Through it all the adults laughed at the proper moments and cheered the different children. Only two small children forgot their lines.

Then it was Mickie’s turn. The shopkeeper was at his lowest and angels appeared, singing the joys of Christmas.

“Doesn’t she look great?” Justin whispered proudly as Mickie and the other children sang.

“Perfect,” Sarah answered, just as quietly.

Then the elves were out fixing the shoes. Before long, the angels were singing again, then the shopkeeper gave the shoes to the owners and was able to save his shop after all.

The angels came back out for the final scene, and Sarah watched Justin’s surprise and delight as Mickie sang a short solo. Her voice was loud and clear, and though she seemed scared when she first started, once she turned to her teacher and started singing, it went fine.

Justin looked as if he could pop buttons on his top he was so proud.

“Why didn’t she tell me?” he asked.

Sarah grinned. “She wanted to surprise you.”

“I didn’t know she could keep a secret,” he murmured, standing as the song finished and clapping along with everyone else.

Mickie came running out to where Justin and Sarah stood. “Are you proud, Daddy? Did I sing good?”

Justin swooped her up in his arms. “I’m very proud and you could make the angels sit up and take notice,” he said, bussing her cheek. “How about I take you out for a chocolate sundae to show you how proud I am?”

“Oh, cool! And I can stay up late since there’s no more school until after Christmas, can’t I?”

“I suppose so,” Justin said. “As long as you don’t get cranky.”

“Ice cream when it’s cold outside?” Sarah asked.

Justin chuckled. “That’s the best time.”

They stopped at an ice-cream shop on the way home and Mickie enjoyed a sundae with Justin, while Sarah insisted she didn’t want anything. She enjoyed watching the two decide on just what ice cream and toppings they wanted, arguing good-naturedly over what was the best, before they finally settled down at a table.

“I still can’t believe you wouldn’t have anything at all,” Justin said, taking a bite of his sundae.

“Doesn’t Aunt Sarah like ice cream?” Mickie whispered loudly to her daddy.

Justin turned to her, an eyebrow raised. “Is that the case? You don’t like ice cream?”

She smiled. “I’d be cold for hours if I put that in me,” she replied. “I do like it. But only in the summer.”

“But, Aunt Sarah,” Mickie said, “you just have to put more blankets on your bed when you get home and you won’t be cold.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Why didn’t I think of that?” she teased.

“In that case, you have to have one small taste,” Justin said, dipping his spoon in his sundae and holding it out to her.

Sarah looked at the spoon, then at Justin’s mouth, and flushed. Somehow, eating after him seemed so personal. And he knew it, if the innocent look he was giving her was any indication. She was never one to back down from a dare but there was always a first time. “I think…I’ll pass this time, thanks,” Sarah said quietly.

Justin hesitated a moment, then set the spoon back in his container. “Maybe that’s wiser after all,” Justin murmured, holding her gaze.

Then Mickie was done with her ice cream and ready to go. She noticed Justin had lost interest in his. The container was still almost full. He took it and dumped it in the garbage can.

They hurried through the biting wind to the car and in seconds were on their way home.

When they arrived, Sarah wasn’t surprised to find Mickie had drifted off. “She’s had a full day,” she said softly, opening the door for Justin.

He motioned her inside. Closing the door behind him, he said, “But as you know, she’s an early riser.”

He headed upstairs and Sarah trailed along. Going to her drawers, she dug out Mickie’s warm p.j.’s and handed them to Justin, who had already stripped off her shoes and socks. He lifted her and slipped the costume over her head, then pulled her top on.

Sarah folded back the sheets and added another blanket. “It’s getting colder earlier this year,” she whispered as Justin covered up Mickie.

He said a quick prayer over her, then kissed her and
stood. Sarah added a kiss to Mickie’s cheek, then left the room. Justin pulled the door closed behind him.

Then they both stood there staring at each other. Sarah had enjoyed the companionship tonight, the feel of another human next to her, the joy of sharing a joke. She hated for it to end.

Evidently, so did Justin. “You want some cocoa before you go to bed?”

Sarah’s eyes widened. She opened her mouth to say yes, but he must have thought otherwise, for he added, “You did say you’d have trouble warming up.”

She chuckled, her mouth spreading into a smile. “I’d love some. But why don’t you let me make it.”

He nodded. They walked down the stairs together and she went into the kitchen, where she quickly made up some cocoa. Coming back out, she found Justin, his hands in his jean pockets, standing before the blinking Christmas tree, staring thoughtfully at it.

The whole room looked like Christmas with the tree blinking, the silver icicles waving gently from the air blowing out of the overhead ducts. Greenery with gold and red was draped across everything. Stockings were suspended from the mantel. And mistletoe hung from the fan in the middle of the living room.

The room had a very homey feeling, one she was proud of, since she’d done most of the decorating.

“This is the best the house has looked since before Amy died,” Justin said, turning from the tree and coming over to take his cocoa. He seated himself by Sarah on the couch.

Sarah took a sip of her cocoa, continuing to stare at the tree despite Justin’s presence next to her on the right or the fireplace on the left. She kicked off her
shoes and folded one foot under her, then slipped the other one up on the coffee table. “Everything was in the attic, Justin. All you had to do was pull it down and put it up.”

Justin shrugged. “When Amy died, some of the magic died, too, I suppose. I had no desire or wish to celebrate an all-out humdinger of a Christmas again.” He took a sip of his cocoa, then said, “But I’d forgotten what I was missing. What
Mickie
was missing.”

Sarah wrapped her hands around her mug. “No wishes?” she asked, thinking of all the wishes she’d had that Christmas.

“No happy ones,” he said, echoing her feelings. “They were all tainted with my dark thoughts over all the grief Mickie and I were experiencing.”

He shifted his body, which brought him closer, though she doubted he realized it, staring as intently as he was at the blinking lights. “But that’s what I was doing just now—thinking about Christmas wishes. Christmas has always been considered a time for kids, but I’ve always made my own Christmas wishes, too. After all, wasn’t that when we received the greatest gift? It reminds us that there is such a thing as happiness and goodness and the chance for things to turn out right in the end.”

Sarah nodded. “I agree. It should be a time of hope and joy, and a time to remember that Amy’s in a better place.”

Justin sank back into the cushions of the couch. “That was the conclusion I came to last year. I guess that’s why this year it has been easier during the holidays and we’ve done so much better.”

He took another sip of his cocoa, then turned toward Sarah. “So tell me, what is your Christmas wish this year?”

The crackling of the flames from the fire Justin had started while she was in the kitchen was the only sound in the room. She looked into Justin’s deep brown eyes and wanted to tell him,
You. I want you for Christmas.
But since that wasn’t appropriate—she could just imagine her mother rolling over in her grave if she said that—she said, instead, “I don’t know. Maybe a family.”

She saw him set his cup down and she felt the air around them change.

“But you have us, Sarah.”

She nodded. Oh, dear. Her and her big mouth. She couldn’t explain that she wanted a baby to hold, couldn’t tell him about the pain inside her heart. But the pain wasn’t as bad if she thought of Mickie as partly hers. No, she couldn’t say that, so instead she asked him, “And you? What do you want for Christmas? What are your wishes?”

Justin turned his gaze back to the tree, which relieved Sarah. He was too perceptive and she’d just known he was going to see something she hadn’t wanted him to. She studied his masculine jaw, the hint of shadow his gold whiskers caused. Short light lashes didn’t move as he stared hard at the tree.

“Earlier in the year I might have said the only wish I had was for my favorite little girl to be happy.” A ghost of a smile touched his lips. “Mickie is already a very happy girl, though. Still, I’d like to erase the loneliness in her eyes sometimes. Of course, I could’ve also wished business were better, but it’s going
really good.” The smiled widened and he turned, his eyes touching hers. “I could also wish for a normal tie that didn’t have some sort of cartoon or fish or even flower on it.”

Sarah laughed, but the laughter was strained because the look on his face had just turned serious.

“But things have changed,” he said. “If I had to ask Santa now, it’d be for a warm, loving woman who could love me in return.”

Her mouth fell open. Her breath lodged in her chest. She couldn’t comment for anything in the world.

And she didn’t have to. Justin, taking her quiet as a signal for him to continue, pulled her gently into his arms and lowered his lips to hers.

I could love you,
she thought fleetingly as his warm, tender lips, expertly wrung a response from her.
I
do
love you.

She had been wanting, for more than an hour, for him to kiss her. The kiss was brief and achingly tender. Her heart was racing and her fingers tingling when he pulled back. She opened heavy eyelids to see Justin gazing down at her.