The Best of Down Goes Brown (18 page)

 

One thing you can say about Mario Lemieux: When he gets cranky, he's not too concerned about who knows it.

For example, we all remember the 2011 game between the Islanders and Penguins that turned into a gong show, featuring several line brawls and accusations of goon tactics on the part of New York. Lemieux decided to share some feedback, releasing a statement ripping into the league and its leadership, calling the events “unacceptable and embarrassing” and hinting that he could leave the sport entirely if things didn't improve.

Many applauded his stance, while others were critical or even accused him of hypocrisy. But those critics may want to brace themselves, because sources in Pittsburgh tell me that the Islanders game was just one of a long list of things that are severely ticking Mario off:

 

• Today's players don't seem to grasp the fundamentals, with many unable to execute even a basic “intentionally lose the puck in the defenseman's skates to distract him long enough to blow by him and score” move.
  
• He hasn't played a league game for over five years now, so he's not really sure why Esa Tikkanen is still following him around and yapping in his ear all day.
  
• While all the cheap shots and fighting during that Islanders game were hard to take, New York really went over the line with that lengthy pre-game ceremony retiring David Volek's number.
  
• While occasional encounters with die-hard Penguins fans are nice, the endless gushing, autograph demands, and girlish squeals of admiration make it sort of tough to get anything done during meetings with Gary Bettman.
  
• All these gosh darn Stanley Cup rings make it really tough to raise a hand to give Garth Snow the finger.
  
• Hey, you try writing a thoughtful statement about the current state of the game with Matt Cooke elbowing you in the head the entire time.
  
• The revelation that Zenon Konopka once had a poster of him in his bedroom really makes Mario question whether everything he accomplished in his career was really worth it.
  
• You have one little physical confrontation with referee Kerry Fraser early in your career, and you can never go out in public again without every Leaf fan you see trying to hug you.
  
• While he realizes that the NHL Guardian Project superheroes were meant to honor key aspects of a franchise's history, he's still not crazy about the Penguin's superpower being “mulletude.”
  
• Whenever all the owners get together for a scrimmage, Ted Leonsis won't stop asking him if he wants some advice on improving his game.
  
• Ever since Sidney Crosby moved out, Saturday morning “chocolate-chip pancakes and cartoons in pajamas” time just isn't the same.
  
• Those 1987 Canada Cup team reunions just get awkward when everyone has to pretend to know who Doug Crossman is.
  
• As a forty-six-year-old with bad hips and a history of back problems, must somehow come to grips with the fact that he could probably only score 120 or 130 points if he was still playing today.
  
• Despite all of his frequent and passionate requests, it turns out that if you actually sneak up behind Mike Lange after a goal and scratch his back with a hacksaw he'll scream like a child and call the police.
  

 

While anyone can recite traditional stats like goals, assists, and plus/minus, these days many fans are turning to more advanced statistics that can help shed even more light on player performance. Some of these stats are even starting to turn up in mainstream media reports or broadcasts, and there are rumors that some front offices may be using them to help with roster decisions.

Unfortunately, while advanced stat proponents do an excellent job of using data to analyze the action on the ice, they're often not quite so good at explaining things in layman's terms. It's fairly common to see a reference to an advanced stat with no explanation of what it means or why it's important, which can be frustrating to a casual fan.

So while I can't exactly claim to be an expert, I want to help. I want to help so badly that I was willing to spend a few seconds googling terms in an attempt to figure out what they mean. So if you'd like to get on board the advanced stats bandwagon, here are ten of the most important terms you may encounter:

 

 

One of the best moments of the 2011–12 season came in mid-December when Anaheim's Teemu Selanne made his long-awaited return to Winnipeg. It had been over fifteen years since Selanne had played a game in the city, but fans there hadn't forgotten the magic moments he created as a Jet in the early nineties. Once the NHL announced the return of a franchise to Winnipeg, fans circled that night's game on their calendars.

The emotional ovation was just the latest in a long list of highlights for one of the game's classiest and most popular superstars. Let's take a look back at Selanne's memorable career:

 

 

When the talk of the entire hockey world is a mid-season game between the Kings and Blue Jackets, you have to assume that something has gone horribly wrong. And midway through the 2011 season, you'd have been right.

A game in Los Angeles between the two teams was decided on a late Drew Doughty goal that seemed to cross the goal line with a fraction of a second left on the clock. But replays showed something mysterious: The game clock appeared to pause for over one full second right before the goal. That slight delay was enough to turn a goal that shouldn't have counted into the game winner.

Predictably, conspiracy theories were floated immediately. The league promised a thorough investigation, while making clear that the game's results would stand. Everyone was outraged.

Should they have been? No. Because even if the glitch was intentional, it wouldn't be unique. After all, the Kings wouldn't be the first hockey team to get a little boost from their home arena. In fact, it's common practice. Here are just a few of the ways that teams around the league are using their rinks to gain unfair advantage: