The Best Thing I Never Had (13 page)

She seemed to have sensed his thoughts had turned dark and inward; maybe his brow was too furrowed, or his face suddenly too shaded with hurt. She looked at him quizzically, her perfect, plump lips pursed into a little o of mute enquiry.

Johnny found himself thinking about how, last night, he had sat up with his laptop until the early hours, unable to sleep, bored and methodically clicking around Facebook. Leigha laughing, Leigha pouting, Leigha half turned away from the camera, and him, there in the background, disconcertingly often, chasing the curve of her face.

And then the sentence was out before he even realised he was speaking.

Leigha thought she could actually feel her heart stutter in her chest, if such a thing was possible. For a split second it was like there was nothing inside of her but silence, and then suddenly a roar as she became aware of the blood rushing through her. She felt dizzy, her body impossibly light on the bed. She sat up straight.

Johnny was babbling now. She could tell from his general anxiety and the redness high on his neck that he was panicking, hadn’t meant to tell her. She tried to rally her thoughts out of shock, to ask the sensible, practical questions.

‘Are you sure?’ she wanted to know. ‘How long has this been going on? Am I the last to know?’

But as Johnny cringed and cowered in front of her, pleading ignorance and forgiveness, she could only focus on one thing, like there was a marquee scrolling over and over inside her head. Why does this keep happening to me? Why is it always her? Over and over; sharp as glass.

And so, because she felt like she might cry, or even throw up – that she was about to be driven mad by the itching of the anger and embarrassment inside of her – she rolled over on top of Johnny, startling him into silence. Wordlessly, she drew her bare leg up between his, braced her palms flat on the hard plane of his chest and kissed him; anything, anything, so she wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. Johnny groaned, deep and low into her mouth. She kissed him harder.

May 2007

Nicky and Harriet sat cross-legged on the floor in companionable silence as they arranged the damp white clothes onto the laundry horse. Nicky wondered, as she turned a clammy sleeve the right way, if she should broach the topic of Johnny’s shoes – painfully obvious at the bottom of the stairs – and that Nicky knew for a fact that he hadn’t come back home to the boys’ flat last night. But Harriet was uncharacteristically lost in thought, and Nicky was loathed to break the calm and quiet of the house in the brightness of the morning.

As if conjured by her chain of thought, Johnny’s heavy tread on the upstairs landing resounded through the house; Harriet arched her eyebrow at Nicky as the footsteps moved to the stairs. Johnny appeared in the hallway, stooping to pick up his trainers, tee-shirt and jeans heartbreakingly unrumpled; there was no way he’d slept in his clothes last night.

He stood there stupidly for a few seconds, gathering his wits as he blinked in the bright light streaming through the kitchen window, before hurriedly stuffing his feet into his trainers, leaving the laces undone and trailing.

‘Catch you later,’ he said gruffly, nodding rather formally in the direction of the two girls, before turning and slipping out of the front door before they could even consider replying. Nicky turned back to Harriet, who was looking so incredulous that her eyebrows were lost underneath her fringe.

‘Bloody… Leigha,’ she said finally, placing her final pair of white knickers on the bottom rung of the laundry horse and stiffly easing herself to her feet.

‘He knows what he’s doing,’ Nicky said quietly. Harriet gave a scoffing laugh.

‘You know as well as I do that Leigha’s the only one in that pair who knows what she’s doing,’ she disagreed. ‘Poor Johnny’s just putty in her hands. Like he can—’ Suddenly she stopped speaking, her eyes flickering wider.

‘What?’ Nicky asked, concerned, rising to her knees. Harriet turned to look at the front door.

‘Nothing,’ she said, unconvincingly, after a few seconds. ‘I’m just going to get my phone.’

Before Harriet could reach the foot of the stairs, there was the distinct scrape and jangle of keys in the lock and a flush-faced and bag-laden Sukie pushed her way through the opening door. Harriet immediately flung her arms around her, knocking her slightly off balance.

‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,’ Harriet murmured into Sukie’s shoulder. Sukie gently extricated one of her arms enough to be able to let her duffel bag slide from her shoulder to the floor.

‘I told you already, it’s fine,’ she said, her voice weary. ‘It’s just so good to be home.’

‘Really?’ Nicky asked sympathetically, moving to the kettle on reflex and picking it up to inspect its water level. ‘God, Su, it’s so dreadful.’

‘It really is,’ Sukie agreed, pulling her denim jacket off and dropping it down on top of her bag. ‘It’s just so…. quiet in that house. It’s horrible. Don’t we have anything stronger?’ she asked, nodding to the kettle in Nicky’s hand. Nicky replaced it on its stand with a smile.

‘I’m sure Leigha must have something somewhere,’ she replied, taking glasses from the cupboard instead of mugs.

And just like how she had conjured up Johnny, Leigha’s voice came floating down the stairs.

‘Su?’

‘Yeah, hi!’ Sukie answered, busy kicking off her shoes into the pile. ‘I’m home.’

‘Can you come up here for a second?’ Leigha’s voice was off, somehow. Nicky saw Harriet and Sukie exchange a glance. Sukie looked up the stairs, annoyance knitting her features. Harriet flexed her fingers and reached up for hair that was no longer at her shoulders; she was nervous.

‘I’ve literally just walked in, can I have a minute?’ Sukie called back. ‘We’re having a drink, come down.’ Without waiting for a response, she moved through into the kitchen space, continuing the search through the cupboards for alcohol that Nicky had paused.

Harriet glanced up the stairs, hesitant as if she was about to climb them.

And Leigha appeared on the landing. Harriet had never seen her mouth so small, her eyes so heated, and the staircase between them suddenly seemed as if it could be a mountain. Harriet’s breath caught like a solid thing in her throat, her vague suspicion proved true, but before she could fully process the thought, Leigha was at ground level and pushing past her. Harriet reached out and grabbed her wrist.

‘Let go of me,’ Leigha hissed between her teeth, eyes flashing. In the kitchen, Sukie and Nicky were pouring Pasoa into glasses, regardless of the cataclysm brewing down the hall.

‘Leigha, listen to me,’ Harriet said urgently, pushing the taller girl away from the kitchen and closer to the front door with the strength that only desperation can provide.

‘You’re hurting me,’ Leigha growled, whipping her arm violently in an attempt to break Harriet’s grip on her wrist.

‘Can we just go upstairs, just for a minute?’ Harriet begged, loosening her hold only a fraction, but it was enough; Leigha dragged her arm away, but as she did, moved her face closer to Harriet’s, so close that Harriet thought for a moment that she was going to kiss her.

‘You’re such a fucking slut,’ she said, voice flat and emotionless. Harriet recoiled instantly, that solid thing inside her throat swelling up so fast she felt like she was going to be sick. ‘You stay the hell away from me, you – you nasty,
poisonous
slut.’ And then she whirled away, her hair fanning out behind her and rushed into the kitchen, forcing herself into Sukie’s arms and bursting into noisy, wet tears.

Sukie blinked in astonishment, before tightening her arms around Leigha. ‘Ley, what’s wrong?’ she asked.

‘Honey, what is it?’ Nicky asked, putting her glass hurriedly down on the side and rushing to rub Leigha’s shuddering back. Sukie made eye contact with Harriet over the top of Leigha’s head, silently asking her what was up, but Harriet couldn’t speak for the horror that was balled tight in her throat, in her chest.

Leigha mumbled something indistinct into Sukie’s collarbones.

‘What?’ Nicky asked. Leigha lifted her damp-streaked face away from Sukie’s chest. Harriet finally had the sense to move towards the others, her hand held out stupidly in front of her like she could somehow reach that extra fifteen feet and clap it over Leigha’s mouth before she could speak again.

‘Harriet’s been
fucking
Adam,’ Leigha announced, her phrasing succinct and deadly. Even Nicky blanched. Sukie sucked in a breath.

‘You what?’ she asked, directed at Harriet.

‘No wonder he suddenly went cold on me,’ Leigha wailed. ‘She got her claws into him.’ Harriet grabbed for Leigha’s upper arm as she came in range, jostling her.

‘It’s not like that!’ she cried. ‘Just calm down for a minute.’

‘What’s been going on?’ Sukie asked, voice hard as she moved her hands to her hips. ‘Is this true?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, of course it’s not.’ Nicky moved steadily to stand between Leigha and Harriet. ‘There’s obviously some sort of… misunderstanding… miscommunication or something going on here.’

‘Harry?’ Sukie pressed. ‘
Are
you fucking Adam?’

Harriet hesitated; there was no good way to answer this question. ‘Well, yes,’ she admitted, miserably, ‘but—’

‘I fucking knew it!’ Sukie exploded, cutting off Harriet’s feeble attempts at explanation. ‘You promised me nothing was going on!’

‘You knew about this!?’ Leigha rounded on Sukie, who faltered.

‘I – I knew they kissed,’ she stumbled. ‘At Nicky’s birthday party. But she begged me not to tell you!’ Harriet made an inarticulate noise of protest.

‘My birthday!’ Nicky echoed faintly.

‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!’ Leigha railed at Sukie, who put her palms up soothingly.

‘Look, don’t get mad at me, it’s Harriet you should be mad at!’ she reasoned.

‘Look, everyone calm down!’ Nicky cried, echoing Harriet’s earlier plea. ‘Harry, is this seriously the case? You and Adam?’

‘Yes, we’re together,’ Harriet said, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible. ‘It just happened, it wasn’t meant to ever become this massive deal—’

‘It just happened?’ Sukie echoed, incredulously.

‘Couldn’t you control yourself?’ Leigha sneered. ‘It had just been so long since Seth, you just couldn’t keep your legs closed?’

‘Leigha!’ Nicky admonished. Harriet was momentarily struck dumb. She’d never been spoken to like this in her life before; the ease at which the insults were flying from Leigha’s mouth was shocking. She tried to rally herself.

‘God, you’re all about the drama, aren’t you?’ Leigha was continuing, hatred dripping from every word. ‘You just want everything to revolve around you, you always have.’

‘You think I
wanted
this to happen?’ Harriet cried, finally jarred into defence. ‘I wanted nothing more than for him and you to be together and for you to be happy.’ Leigha scoffed. ‘He just doesn’t
like
you in that way, he never did. And that’s nothing to do with me.’

‘Oh, he liked me plenty!’ Leigha countered. ‘Trust me.’

‘Look, I’m sorry if we’ve hurt your feelings,’ Harriet continued, voice softer. ‘But it’s actually quite ironic you insist that
I
love drama and think the world revolves around
me,
because you’re just describing yourself.’

‘How dare you!’ Leigha cried, outraged, voice cracking like she was about to burst into tears again. Sukie moved forward and put her arm around her. ‘I’m the bloody victim here!’

‘You’re just proving my point. This is about me and Adam, it’s nothing to do with you.’

‘Of course it has something to do with her!’ Sukie barked, eyes narrowing. ‘her best friend and her ex-boyfriend.’ Harriet raised her arms in exasperation.

‘For crying out loud,
ex-boyfriend?’
she cried. ‘How exactly is he your ex-boyfriend, Ley? You had one kiss. By that count, more than half the guys on campus can consider themselves your ex.’ Leigha burst into the noisy tears that had been threatening.

‘God, when did you turn into such a bitch?’ Sukie asked Harriet, squeezing Leigha consolingly.

‘I can’t believe this…’ Nicky murmured, clasping her hands over her nose and mouth like she was praying.

‘Neither can I!’ Harriet cried. ‘This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen, can’t you see that? Why it was hard for me to tell you guys?’

‘Well, that worked out well for you, didn’t it?’ Sukie sneered sarcastically. ‘Lying to your best friends is usually the wrong thing to do, for future reference.’

‘I didn’t lie,’ Harriet professed miserably.

‘Well, you’ve got a very fucking different definition of the truth than everyone else on the planet,’ Sukie shot back.

‘Everyone calm down,’ Nicky ordered again. ‘Ley, Harriet’s said she’s sorry, can’t we—’

‘I’m not sorry.’ The words had left Harriet’s mouth before she even realised she’d thought them. Leigha stopped crying and lifted her face from Sukie’s shoulder to stare at her. Nicky’s mouth hung open. Sukie’s face was dark and furious.

‘Like I said, I’m sorry you’re upset, I’m sorry your feelings, your pride, or whatever, have been hurt,’ Harriet clarified. ‘But I’m not sorry that it’s happened. I think we’re meant to be together. I love him.’

Sukie gave a groan of derision, Leigha a bitter laugh. ‘Good for you,’ she said, icily. ‘I hope he fucks you up like you fucked up Seth. I hope you fuck
each other up
.’

‘Why do you have such a bloody chip on your shoulder about Seth?’ Harriet shouted. ‘All this is nothing to do with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t in love with Seth, and I’m sorry that I
am
in love with Adam – but you need to get it into that massive head of yours that none of it is designed to make your life miserable.’

Leigha finally pulled away completely from Sukie’s hold, drawing herself up to her full height. ‘You stay the fuck away from me,’ she spat, voice deadly serious.

‘I can’t even believe you can’t see how in the wrong you are,’ Sukie frowned. Harriet ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

‘Su, she kissed him one time, drunk at a party. It doesn’t make him her ex. It doesn’t give her control over him.’

‘He told you it was just that one kiss?’ Leigha asked, tilting her head pityingly. Harriet shot her a look full of warning.

‘I know it was just that one kiss.’

Leigha shook her head. ‘He’s playing you. And you fucking deserve it.’

‘He’s not playing anyone Leigha, for fuck’s sake!’ Harriet cried. Leigha narrowed her eyes.

‘Let’s just say that I visited Australia. Many times.’

Harriet’s blood ran cold for a second. Adam had a strawberry birthmark on his upper inner thigh that he often joked was in the shape of Australia. Her thoughts faltered. Was there any other way that Leigha would know about the mark, other than the obvious, the way that Leigha was clearly getting at?

‘Don’t come crying to me when you realise what you’ve done or when he moves onto the next girl,’ Leigha told her, all emotion gone from her voice again.

‘I can’t believe you,’ Sukie said, her voice full of contempt.

‘Su, you’re making it worse!’ Nicky cried, almost hysterical.

‘Oh no, this is all on her,’ Sukie jabbed a finger at Harriet accusingly. ‘I trusted you. I covered for you.’

‘Come on, let’s get out of here, I can’t stand to look at her,’ Leigha said, tugging Sukie’s arm. And she looked directly at Harriet, for what would prove to be the last time, a look loaded with more disgust and loathing than Harriet could ever have imagined, before heading towards the front door.

‘Nic, you coming?’ Sukie threw over her shoulder as she followed her.

‘No, guys, stop, this is ridiculous!’ Nicky cried, wringing her hands, but Leigha and Sukie had their shoes and jackets on and were gone before she could say anything else. The bang of the door was the loudest thing Harriet had ever heard in her life. She sank to her knees on the cold, hard kitchen floor, and silently put her face in her hands.

‘They’ll calm down,’ Nicky assured her, fidgeting nervously. ‘Don’t worry, Harry, please. Oh, don’t cry!’ she pleaded, as Harriet’s shoulders started to shudder. She sunk down on her haunches and wrapped her arms around her. ‘Look, even the best of friends have fights sometimes. We’ll all sit down, everyone will say they’re sorry…’