The Blind Date (7 page)

Silence extended between them, and in want of something to do, Shawna sipped her water. Her gaze arced over the rest of the diners. Some engaged in animated conversations. Others—mainly the pairs of people eating together—appeared more intimate. She easily discerned which ones were lovers. It was obvious in the little acts of affection, such as the man stroking the woman’s hand on the table near them. Or the couple seated in the booth in the corner, sharing a dessert with the same fork.

By contrast, she and Ryan made it obvious they were not lovers. They sat across the table from each other and hadn’t touched since they’d been seated. If she could move farther away from him, she would.

So different from how they’d been together before the reality of Holly intruded. Memories flooded her mind—memories of flirtatious laughter, play-fighting, and making love beneath white sheets until every muscle felt drained of energy because she’d been thoroughly satisfied.

Dragging her thoughts from the past, Shawna drained her glass of water and signaled a passing waiter for a refill. She needed to cool down from the titillating thoughts. She also needed to do a better job of regulating which paths her mind chose to wander down so she could maintain the wall of animosity necessary to remain unaffected by Ryan.

“I wish you hadn’t left the hotel that evening,” he said.

Her gaze swung back to him. “You mean after I saw you and your girlfriend? There was no reason for me to stick around. I certainly wouldn’t allow you back into my bed, and I’m sure Holly wouldn’t have approved of us spending any time together.”

“Don’t be too sure.”

“What did you say?” Shawna asked sharply. She must have misheard.

“I told Holly about us once she and I went back to Oklahoma. She forgave me—said that she understood if I needed to get one last fling out of my system before we settled down.” He laughed, an empty, hollow sound. A pained expression came over his face. “I wish things had been different. That you had been the one to forgive me and she’d been the one to walk away.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. I never stopped thinking about you. I tried to find you in South Carolina. I still thought about you, and I thought if I could get a chance to talk to you and explain, you’d understand.”

She’d changed her number shortly after she left Chicago because her sister had decided to move to Atlanta with her new husband and Shawna had followed, seeking new opportunities.

“Understand what? You made me the other woman.”

“That was never my intention.”

“What
was
your intention, because I don’t understand. Why approach me when you had a girlfriend?”

“I honestly don’t know. I didn’t think far enough ahead. I regret the way I handled things, but I couldn’t let you walk away without meeting you.” The rawness in his voice reached out to her, made her insides quiver. “Afterward, I decided to use whatever means necessary to hold onto you.”

“Even if it meant lying?”

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t make you a very trustworthy person.”

“I’m telling you the truth now.”

Shawna looked away from the intensity of his gaze. Playing with the napkin on the tabletop, she berated herself for the bit of joy that filled her with his words.
I couldn’t let you walk away.
Yet he had.

Head held high, she’d walked away with as much dignity as she could. Once out of view, she’d taken off running down the sidewalk, uncaring of the stares of strangers and the tears streaming down her cheeks. She’d only known she had to get back to the hotel and the privacy of her room so she could manage the unbearable pain of seeing him with another woman and the realization that what they’d shared had been a lie. She’d never felt pain like that before or since.

“You hurt me.”

“I know.”

“Were you ever going to tell me? Or was what we did some dirty little secret?”

“It wasn’t dirty,” he said forcefully. “I swear to you, I planned to tell you. When I saw you on Sunday, outside my brother’s apartment, I intended to tell you then, but I didn’t get the chance.”

“How do I know you’re telling me the truth now?”

“You don’t. But it is the truth. I’ll tell you the truth about anything. Just ask me. I know you have questions and I want to earn your trust. Ask me anything and I’ll answer truthfully.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes.”

Shawna’s fingers stilled on the napkin. “Did you love her?”

“The way I felt about her paled in comparison to the way I felt about you.”

“Answer the question. Were you in love with her when you slept with me?”

“It’s a terrible thing to say, but no, I didn’t love her. I’d had my doubts before, but being with you made me realize that I didn’t love her. I’d gone to Chicago to make a decision about my life and my relationship with Holly, and you helped me make it.” He took a deep breath, as if bracing himself. “What else?”

“You said you broke up, but . . . did you ever sleep with her again?”

“Shawna . . .”

“You said I could ask you anything.”

“Anything but that.”

“Your response is my answer, but I want to hear you say it.”

His eyes looked steadily into hers. “Yes.”

She’d goaded him, yet now that he’d told her, the words tore at her insides. “Of course you did. You have quite the libido.”

“It’s not what you think. It only happened after I thought I’d never see you again, and I—”

“Thank goodness you didn’t get our names mixed up.”

“Shawna, listen to me.”

“After I saw you with her, I kept telling myself it was a nightmare.” She started to shake, could feel her control slipping away.

“Shawna.”

“I didn’t want to believe it had happened.”

“I was young and stupid. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle the situation with both of you there.”

“You never even called.”

“I should have, right away, but I didn’t know what to say, and I thought you hated me. I didn’t think you’d accept a call from me.”

“
I waited
.” The pain-filled words fell between them like a bomb, shutting down the back and forth. Her eyes dodged his. She hadn’t meant to admit that. It came out and she wished she could take it back.

He reached across the table, but she pulled back before he could touch her, placing both hands in her lap. She couldn’t stand it if he touched her. His touch wouldn’t offer comfort—it would simply cause more pain in her emotional state.

His fingers curled into a fist on the tabletop. “I went to the hotel as soon as I could, but you had already left.”

She looked across the table at him. “I never received a single message or a text from you.”

He shook his head. “I gave up too easily.” He leaned forward. “I’m sorry. I left The Haven Hotel and I wandered for a while. I couldn’t face Holly or my brother. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d screwed up everything. I never touched her in Chicago because that was
our
place. You and me. Holly and I argued, and I—”

“I’d rather not know the details, thank you.” She still couldn’t look at him. She had no right to feel envious.
She
had been the other woman, but for two nights he’d been hers, and the fact that he’d wound up back in Holly’s arms opened a fresh wound.

“You should have never approached me that day on the street and make—” She’d almost admitted it. She’d almost said aloud what she’d hardly been able to say even to herself:
make me fall for you, make me need you
.

“I know I shouldn’t have approached you, but to be honest, I didn’t expect things to move so fast. Once we had dinner, I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t
not
spend time with you. Can you understand that at all? Can you comprehend a little bit of what I felt?”

She could. She understood it well because she’d been driven by the same desire to be with him. She didn’t want to feel that way again because she didn’t know herself when she was with him. It scared her.

Time to go. She started putting on her sweater.

“What are you doing?” Ryan asked in an alarmed voice.

“I’m leaving. I did what you asked. I had dinner with you.”

“We haven’t finished talking.”

“There’s nothing else to say.”

“We have a lot of catching up to do. I have questions.”

“I won’t be answering them.”

“What about you? Don’t you have any more questions?”

She set her purse on her lap. “You answered the only one that I cared about.”

“Shawna, I never touched her until we were back in Oklahoma—until I tried and couldn’t reach you.”

“I don’t care. What’s done is done and we can’t go back. Okay? Let it go.”

He shook his head, his jaw hardening with resolve. “I can’t do that. I’m a different man than I was back then. You’re right, I should have never approached you. I should have never lied when you asked me if I had a girlfriend. I was selfish. I was an ass. But everything I did was because I knew you were special and I felt that we could have something special. For a couple of days, I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life.”

“I don’t want to hear this.”

“My life hasn’t been the same since the day I met you.”

Invisible fingers squeezed her heart tight. “
Don’t
.”

“When I saw you tonight, I realized nothing had changed. Give me another shot, Shawna. I’m not the same man.”

“I’m not the same foolish woman I was, either,” Shawna said.

“We had a connection and you can’t deny that.”

“You’re a liar, Ryan.”

He swallowed. “Yes, but not about my feelings for you. Six years we’ve been apart. I can’t let you walk out of my life again.”

“Watch me.”

“You have to forgive me. Please,” he added with desperation, his eyes pleading.

Shawna rose from her chair, and the waitress picked that moment to come by the table. “Is everything all right over here?” she asked, looking from one to the other.

“We’re fine,” Ryan replied, keeping his gaze pinned on Shawna. He rose from his chair, too.

“My life is perfect, okay? No drama, no problems. I like my life the way it is.”

“I’m not bringing any drama.”

“Leave me alone, Ryan.” At the hard note in her voice, the waitress eased away. “I never want to see you again. Stay away from me for good this time. Do you understand?”

She turned around and started walking away.

“Shawna, wait!”

She didn’t slow down. She didn’t turn. She kept on moving until she was safely out the door.

Chapter Twelve

Shawna pushed the key into her car’s ignition and turned it. Nothing happened.

“Oh, no,” she groaned. She tried repeatedly and then hit the steering wheel in frustration. Piece of junk car. It had been dependable when she bought it, but it was old now. She’d put off buying a new one, but she really needed a more dependable vehicle. If she didn’t hate car shopping so much, she would’ve done it already.

She popped the hood and went around to the front. She examined the interior of the car, not even knowing what to look for. Of all the rotten times for the car to break down on her, it had to happen now, while she was frustrated and upset after running into the one man who made her feel like an incoherent preteen.

She cursed loudly.

“Need some help?” a voice asked.

Her heart jumped violently. Leaning to the right so she could see around the hood, she saw the last person she wanted to see.

Ryan stood with his hip resting against the driver’s door, his face partially hidden by a shadow cast by the parking lot light.

“Not from you,” she replied.

That didn’t stop him, of course. “I can’t leave you out here to fend for yourself.” He walked to her and rested his hands on the car, leaning in to take a look at the insides.

Shawna stepped away from him. “I’m a big girl. I’ll be fine.”

“Have you figured out what the problem is?”

“No, I’m not a mechanic.”

“So what are you doing under here?”

“I thought I’d—look, I don’t need your help, okay? I can call Triple A.”

“What’s it doing?”

Annoyed, Shawna quickly explained. 

“It could be your battery,” Ryan said.

Shawna frowned. “I bought a new battery less than a month ago.”

“You could have gotten a bad one, or maybe it’s your alternator. That drains the battery.”

“Great.”

“Why don’t you call a tow truck to come get the car, and I’ll give you a ride home?”

Her head snapped up. “I don’t think so. I can easily call a taxi.”

“Or I could give you a ride.”

“I don’t want a ride from you.” Her voice grew firmer, making it clear she didn’t want
anything
from him and preferred that he walk away.

She couldn’t get rid of him that easily. “I won’t make a move on you if that’s what you’re worried about. You’ve made it more than clear you don’t want to have anything to do with me.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “You’re suddenly going to accept it?”

“Not accept it, but respect it. Let me help you.”

“Don’t do this, Ryan.”

“Do what?”

“Be nice to me.”

“Why?” His eyes mirrored the question. “I don’t know any other way to be with you, Shawna.”

His words tore a thin strip from her defenses. Staring off across the parking lot, she wrapped her arms around herself, pulling her sweater closer around her body.

“We can wait inside the restaurant or out here for the tow truck,” Ryan said. “It’ll probably be at least an hour. Once he gets here, you can decide if you want a lift home or not.”

She didn’t respond, her mind racing.

“I can’t do anything you don’t let me do,” he said into the silence.

Her stomach trembled. Therein lay the problem. Seeing Ryan had awakened a storm of emotion, and she was more afraid of herself than him. She gnawed the inside of her cheek while he patiently waited.

“Fine,” she said, heaving a sigh. “I’ll call a tow truck, and then . . . then we’ll see.”

No emotion displayed on his face. He simply nodded, and she retrieved her purse from the car to make the call.