The Blue-Haired Bombshell (20 page)

The gorillas led us to an elevator and pressed the access code for the top floor. We hopped on. The elevator zoomed upward. Within seconds, the door opened to the penthouse itself.

‘‘Sweet suite,’’ I said.

One of the apes made a couple of gestures.

‘‘It’s a three-bedroom, five-bath suite,’’ HARV translated. ‘‘The finest on the Moon.’’

The ape wasn’t kidding. The general living area the elevator opened up to was both spacious and elegant. The place was lined with golden carpet, thicker than my lawn during the best of times. Crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. The part of the room nearest the elevator was the open rec area. It had a purple felt pool table, a foosball table, and an interactive virtual gaming center.

Walking a bit brought you to the relaxation area dotted with light purple couches and overly stuffed chairs. Each of the chairs and the couch could recline, rotate, levitate, and had robo-massage. The room was fitted with the latest in VHD HV, meaning you could project the latest in holographic information and entertainment to any corner of the room. The built-in ad that played when a person would walk by a certain spot (which I quickly learned to avoid) called it the total interactive entertainment experience, which was ‘‘better than being there.’’ And of course there was a bar area, complete with stools and automated drink creator.

The far wall of the room was a Plexiglas picture window. According to the gorillas, the window led to the best view of the Moon on the planet, which made it one of the best views in all of the known universe. That might have been a bit of an overstatement, but it was a pleasant sight nonetheless. Looking down on them from above, most of the structures on the moon seem to be made from plastic blocks, but they were very shiny, colorful plastic blocks. Gazing past the city structure I saw lush green fields of crops. At first these seemed to be a stark contrast from the totally man and bot-made look of the city, but after pondering for a nano I realized the fields were just as out of place on what was once a barren rock.

I tapped the tempered glass. ‘‘This is unbreakable. Right?’’

Both gorillas nodded yes, then one of them signed.

HARV appeared through my wrist com.

‘‘Of course,’’ HARV translated. ‘‘The transparency of it is also voice-controlled for your privacy.’’

One of the gorillas signed something else.

‘‘He wants to know if you wish for them to prepare you a shower . . .’’ HARV translated.

‘‘No. I’m a big boy, I can handle that myself.’’

More ape gestures.

‘‘He says it’s tricky,’’ HARV said.

‘‘That’s okay. I’m sure I can figure it out,’’ I said.

HARV leaned forward toward the apes, put a hand next to his mouth and whispered just loud enough so I could hear it. ‘‘He has me to help him.’’

A few more hairy-handed movements.

‘‘He says if you need anything at all just ring them,’’ HARV said.

‘‘I will, my good apes,’’ I said to the gorillas.

They each made more hand signals.

‘‘They both say they are actually great apes,’’ HARV said.

‘‘Sorry, no offense,’’ I said.

The two apes gestured again.

‘‘They say only a little taken.’’

One of the apes held out a giant hand. I shook it. I noticed he had something in that hand, it was a credit recorder.

‘‘I think he wants a tip,’’ HARV whispered to me.

‘‘For what? They just walked us to an elevator and into the suite. A chimp could have done it.’’

I felt eight eyes on me.

‘‘Tió, don’t embarrass me in front of the apes,’’
Carol said in my brain.

‘‘Fine,’’ I sighed. I took the credit card and punched in a ten-credit tip.

The apes looked at the tip, tipped their hats and then headed out.

As we watched the elevator door close I asked, ‘‘Why does everybody want me to take a shower?’’ I asked.

‘‘Don’t look at me,’’ HARV said. ‘‘I have no olfactory receptors.’’

I sniffed myself. ‘‘I don’t smell bad at all,’’ I said.

‘‘Of course you don’t,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Nobody ever smells bad to themselves. You might have worked up a sweat on the flight here.’’

‘‘My outfit is nano self-cleaning,’’ I reminded HARV though I was sure he didn’t need reminding.

‘‘Your attire, yes. Your body, no.’’

‘‘How could he work up a sweat?’’ Carol asked. ‘‘He slept most of the trip.’’

I shook my head. ‘‘No, you and everybody else slept. I was fighting Elena.’’

Carol just looked at me like I was crazy.

‘‘It’s true,’’ HARV said. ‘‘She put you all to sleep and then almost put Zach to sleep for good.’’

‘‘That little bitch,’’ Carol said.

‘‘She wanted to kill Sputnik then but I wouldn’t let her,’’ I said.

Carol put her hands on her hips. ‘‘She took out an entire shuttle of psis like we were nothing. Then she stops time with her mind at the port. How the DOS did you stop her?’’

HARV smiled and put his arm around me. ‘‘He had me.’’

I pointed at HARV. ‘‘I had HARV, plus I had some tricks up my sleeve.’’

I popped GUS into my hand. ‘‘That’s
me
he’s talking about,’’ GUS beamed.

‘‘Plus I’m not as easy to kill as most people think,’’ I added.

‘‘Captain Rickey is right—you are kind of like a cockroach,’’ HARV said.

‘‘So that’s how I might have worked up a little sweat,’’ I said. ‘‘But I’m not offensive. At least, I don’t think I am . . .’’

Carol walked toward me. ‘‘Fine. I don’t get paid enough for this job,’’ she mumbled. She leaned over and sniffed me.

‘‘Well?’’ I asked.

Carol’s knees buckled. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, then closed. She fell forward. I caught her. She was limp as over cooked spaghetti.

‘‘Ha, ha. Very funny, Carol,’’ I said.

‘‘Fascinating,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Just as I suspected.’’

I held Carol up, she was totally dead weight. ‘‘You suspected this?’’ I asked.

‘‘Yes, I actually do have olfactory sensors. I noticed that there has been some sort of weird interaction between your body underarmor, sweat, pheromones, and the chemicals in the air here. I surmised it would act as sort of an opposite sex knockout gas.’’

‘‘So she’s not faking?’’ I said, though I kind of suspected she wasn’t from her total lack of movement.

‘‘Nah, she’s out cold,’’ HARV said. ‘‘It’s really quite a fascinating phenomenon.’’

‘‘So what am I supposed to do?’’ I asked.

HARV put a finger to his mouth. ‘‘I’m sure if you remove your body underarmor and take a nice shower you’ll be fine.’’

‘‘So I can’t wear my underarmor on the Moon?’’ I said.

‘‘Well, you’ve always wanted to make woman swoon,’’ HARV joked.

‘‘How come the nano cleaners aren’t working?’’ I asked.

HARV huffed. ‘‘This is an interaction between your skin, the Moon, and the nano cleaners. They are working, just not the way you want them to work. I can perhaps inject nano cleaners into your skin if you like.’’

I didn’t even respond to that.

I picked Carol up and carried her over to the couch. ‘‘Ona, Twoa, and Threa use their pheromones to manipulate people, not knock them out,’’ I said.

‘‘Yes, because they have control of their powers,’’ HARV said. ‘‘You don’t.’’

I gently put Carol on the couch.

‘‘She going to be all right,’’ HARV said.

‘‘Fine, I’ll go hit the showers and ditch the armor,’’ I said.

HARV smiled. ‘‘That’s probably a wise plan.’’

I walked into the master bedroom. It was nice. I figured since Carol had passed out, I got to choose the best room. DOS, I was the boss, I should have the best room. I got undressed and headed to the bathroom.

The bathroom was almost as big as my house. I liked it. I stepped into the shower.

‘‘Greetings,’’ the shower said.

‘‘Greetings,’’ I said in return.

‘‘Please stand in the middle of the shower,’’ the shower requested.

I did as I was told.

‘‘What temperature would you like?’’ the shower asked.

‘‘Surprise me,’’ I said.

There was silence. Then, ‘‘I have learned when people say ‘surprise me’ they don’t really want to be surprised.’’

‘‘Nice and warm,’’ I said.

‘‘Please give me your warm parameters,’’ the shower asked.

HARV chimed in from my wrist interface. ‘‘Just give him two degrees above body temperature.’’

‘‘Very good,’’ the shower said. ‘‘Would you like the complete surround shower experience?’’

‘‘Is there any other kind?’’ I said.

‘‘Well put,’’ the shower answered.

My body was instantly cascaded with water from every conceivable angle, including two from underneath. It felt good, once I got used to the two bottom ones.

I stood there basking in the shower in utter peace.

‘‘Don’t forget to wash under your arms,’’ HARV said.

Okay, maybe not utter peace, but still relative peace. I lathered up. I washed down. I lathered up again. It felt good. It couldn’t last.

‘‘Uh-oh,’’ HARV said.

I stopped lathering. ‘‘What?’’ It’s never a good sign when HARV says ‘‘uh-oh . . .’’

‘‘The Moon’s computer systems have all just re-booted,’’ HARV said.

‘‘Which means?’’

‘‘Which means I can’t access them, I can’t relay to Earth, I’m blind except for what I see through your eyes and your communicator.’’

‘‘That means I’m blind to the outside world, too,’’ I said.

‘‘True,’’ HARV agreed.

‘‘I’m an unarmed, sitting duck in the shower,’’ I said.

‘‘Why aren’t you packing?’’ HARV said. I gave him props for talking the talk.

‘‘My old gun and knife rust in water,’’ I said opening up the shower door.

‘‘What about GUS?’’ HARV asked.

‘‘Frankly, I’m not all that comfortable bathing with one sentient machine, never mind two,’’ I said.

Reaching for a towel, a big hairy hand grabbed me. I went flying across the room before I was even able to react. I crashed back first into a bidet. The bidet started spewing water. I looked up to see the biggest, hairiest, ugliest gorilla I’d ever seen bearing down on me.

I was unarmed and armorless but I still had a supercomputer wired to my brain.
‘‘HARV send as much energy as you can to my left leg,’’
I thought.

‘‘Check,’’
HARV said in my head.

The gorilla reached down for me just as I kicked up right between his legs. At least I hoped he was a
he
—that would make my attack more effective. The gorilla recoiled in pain when my foot hit its mark (well, marks). Yep, he was a guy. The force of the blow lifted him off the ground. He doubled over in pain holding his midsection.

I shot up and headed toward my room. I may have gotten in one lucky kick but I knew I needed my weapons. I gave the ape a quick elbow strike to his kidneys as I passed him.

Reaching the bedroom, I saw two other apes rifling through my stuff.

‘‘DOS,’’ I said.

The two apes saw me and charged. I made a fist. ‘‘
Soup me up good, HARV
!’’ I shouted in my brain.

Both apes made fists as they closed in on me. Their fists were the size of my head. If they made any contact, I was dead meat.

‘‘Careful,’’ HARV warned. ‘‘They are surprisingly fast . . .’’

I knew HARV had to be right. The weird thing was, I saw their fists coming at me. I ducked under the first punch and sidestepped the second. It was easy. It was like the apes were in slow motion.

The apes were sluggish but persistent. They each wound up with another punch. I saw both of their fists coming at me, only they were coming slowly. In fact, they were getting slower and slower, until they just stopped.

I looked at the apes. They were just standing there, frozen in mid-punch.

‘‘You can thank me later,’’ a voice said from behind.

I turned and there was Elena.

‘‘I’ll thank you now,’’ I said.

Elena made a simple motion with her left hand sending the ape on her left flying into a wall. Duplicating the motion with her right hand caused the ape on the right to fling crashing into the wall. It was as if the apes were weightless.

At that moment I realized something very important. I was stark naked. I put my hands in front of my personals, walked over to the bed, grabbed a sheet, and wrapped it around me.

‘‘Why’d you come back?’’ I asked Elena.

Elena raised her right hand and squeezed it tightly. I fell to the ground, doubling over in pain. The harder she squeezed, the more pain rushed through my body. Elena walked over and knelt down beside me.

‘‘I’m the one who will be asking the questions,’’ she told me.

‘‘Fine,’’ I said, not being in a position to argue, yet.

‘‘Why did you stop me from killing Sputnik?’’ she asked.

I tried to answer, I wanted to answer. The pain made it too hard to think, much less talk.

Elena touched my shoulder. The pain stopped, I felt better than ever before.

‘‘Talk now,’’ she said.

Looking up, I was so grateful for her stopping the pain, I forgot to be angry with her for causing it. DOS, this woman was good.

‘‘We can’t be sure Sputnik is guilty,’’ I said. I tried to push my way back to my feet.

‘‘Stay down,’’ Elena ordered.

I stopped trying to stand. I crumbled back to the ground.

‘‘HARV, I could really use some help here,’’
I thought.

‘‘Your computer can’t help you now, Zachary,’’ Elena said. ‘‘I’ve learned how to control him through you.’’

Oh, that was so NOT good.

‘‘It is good, Zachary,’’ Elena smiled. ‘‘Now your mind is totally free. By the way, it wasn’t your smell that knocked Carol out cold.’’ She thought for a second then said, ‘‘Well, it was the smell, but that was because I gave her the suggestion that if she got a whiff of you she’d pass out. I also planted the suggestion into HARV as to the cause.’’