The Body Language Rules (27 page)

want you to finish .

I Face-to-face torsos . This signals rapt or undivided

attention .

I mirroring you--you move first and they copy . This can be

a good sign that they're locked into your ideas .

I Raised brows . Can signal interest and like, but not if it's

done as a brief shrug, in which case it can mean disbelief .

I Smiling . Easy to spot? Not really . Stretched over-

smiling can signal masked boredom or irritation .

Look for asymmetric smiling that extends to (and

might only include) the eyes .

I Leaning forward . This suggests they're engaged . Again

beware, though . If they lean forward and stare they

could be signaling very intense anger .

I Touching your arm or shoulder . Touch is good . Steering

touch might be not so good, though . If they hold R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 363

your arm and start to push gently they could be

trying to get you out of the office .

I Sitting leaning forward but without moving . This should

signal intense listening .

hOW TO SPOT When SOmeOne'S BeIng JUDgmenTAL

I mouth-shrug--often accompanied by a one-shoulder shrug . It

involves pulling the corners of the mouth down and

pushing the chin up slightly . If the chin is raised

along with the head it's more likely to be an oxbow

mouth, signaling defiance or stubbornness .

I Fingers covering mouth . Not the mouth-hide gesture

of a liar but the more deliberate-looking placing

of one finger (usually the index) vertically across

the lips .

I Looking down at notes . They could be looking for proof

of your claims .

I Palm rocking . The hand is held out vertically and

rocked backward and forward, signaling they're not

impressed .

I Leg-lock . One leg is crossed across the other thigh .

This is when the leg is raised so that the calf is

placed across the thigh, forming a barrier .

I Leg-clamp . Ditto but with hands holding the top

leg . This can increase the hint that they're not in

agreement . 364 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I Fingers to chin with index finger up the side of the face .

Listening with an open mind can often entail

putting the fingers to the chin but when the index

finger is raised they're probably signaling you've

still got a lot of work to do to convince them .

I eye narrowing . This is a classic signal of disbelief .

I head tilts to one side and one eyebrow raises . The sideways

head-tilt can signal listening but combined with

the brow-raise it can mean disbelief .

I Both eyebrows raised with chin pulled in . You'd get this

signal straight away . It looks rude and overly

judgmental or sarcastic .

I Looking over the top of spectacles . I know there are

several logical causes for this look, but it can also

be a signal of judgmental raised status .

I Steepling . A very precise gesture that can imply

serious, high status judgmental thought . R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 365

hOW TO SPOT STATUS BOOSTIng

I Pulling themselves up to full height to look bigger and make

their heads higher .

I Legs splayed . Splaying is a sign of alpha or physical

status boosting .

I Reading over your shoulder . This is intimidating .

Although it might not be done for that purpose,

it should rightly prompt suspicions of Power

Posturing .

I Standing too close . Spatial aggression can mean an

attempt to intimidate .

I Invading your space or desk-space .

I Sitting or standing higher than you . Elevation is usually

a sign they consider themselves higher in status or

more powerful .

I Increased eye contact . This can be interest or

intimidation .

I hand or hands on hips . This is likely to be subconscious

but body bulking can signal Power Posturing .

I Strong-grip handshake . Crushing means domination .

I Patting you on the shoulder or back (if it's on the head I think

you'll get the message anyway) . The pat of power might

look friendly but it's also a parental-style put-down .

A clear sign they feel superior to you .

I Steepled fingers . To let you know they're being very

precise and formal (see opposite) . 366 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I Puffed chest . Another alpha power gesture .

I Directing, dominant gestures like pointing and leading . The

royals use what I call "the pointless point" when

they appear in public . This pointing at nothing

in particular registers interest but it is also a group

directional gesture of control .

I Raised chin . Again, raising the head means looking

down on people, suggesting superiority .

I Alpha behaviors, like sitting alone . Alpha apes tend to use

space and solitude .

I Sitting using less movement than the rest of the group .

I Pit baring, sitting with hands behind head . If they use this

on you they're hinting you're no threat to them

whatsoever .

I Instigating changes of posture or movement . In a group,

especially a business group, the first person to instigate

a change of body posture is usually the highest in

status . The others will tend to follow suit . R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 367

I Sitting at the head of the board table . A classic power

position .

I Using expansive but controlled gestures .

hOW TO SPOT IF They'Re WAnTIng TO ReAch AgReemenT

I They mirror your body language . Like-bodied usually

signals like-minded .

I empathetic nodding, in time with your speech .

I Open gestures . While body-barriers or concealed hands

will suggest hidden thoughts, open gestures that

aren't overly performed will often mean agreement .

I Leaning forward . Body proximity is usually a sign of

mental conformity .

I mirrored facial expressions . This is a very strong sign

that they agree with your point .

I Palms turned out or upward . Done subtly this should

suggest openness and welcome .

I Relaxed breathing patterns . Saying no or disagreeing

can produce irregular breathing .

I Their torso is turned toward you .

I Feet pointed in your direction . Feet do tend to gesture

desired direction . During difficult meetings I've

seen many feet pointed toward the door!

I They perform speech pause signals when you speak, like placing

a finger across their lips . This should mean they're keen

to allow you to speak, which ought to mean interest . 368 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

But only if the finger is bent or relaxed . If it's rigid

they might be judgmental .

I They keep even eye contact when they're listening to you .

This shouldn't be exaggerated or overly performed,

though . Their eye expression should look relaxed .

I Their eyebrows are slightly raised . Slight arching is a sign

of "tell me more ."

I Their lips remain relaxed, not tightly closed or sucked in .

I If you're closing a sale, expect to see an increase of anxiety

signals prior to agreement . This can include fiddling,

edginess, nail biting, rapid breathing, lip licking, face

touching, and so on . This can be misleading but it is

a common part of the agreement process . Once the

decision to buy has been made you will then see an

explosion of relief signals, like laughing and smiling .

hOW TO SPOT IF yOU'Re WeDgeD InTO cOnFLIcT OR AngeR

I Stuttering eye, an increased blink-rate . It's back to that

adrenalin burst .

I Tightening of the lips . This is the muscle tension caused

by aggressive arousal . If the top lip becomes as tight

as a drum and is pulled back far enough to bare

some of the top set of teeth, prepare for flight!

I Baring or jutting of lower jaw teeth . This is more of an

aggressive pose, aimed to threaten rather than

fight . It can be part of the fight buildup, though . R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 369

I curling up of top lip . This is likely to be a performed

signal of dislike or cynicism . I A set look to the jaw . Muscle tension affects the jaw,

even creating speech changes--that is, talking

through clenched teeth . I hands curled into fists . I Inability to keep still . Both pacing and constant

movement can signal aggressive arousal as the body

prepares for fight . I Pointing . This involves the finger being used as a

symbol of weaponry . For pointing (at you) read

virtual stabbing . Watch their other gestures and

cluster signals for confirmation . I Aggressive gestures like chopping or dismissive hand flapping . I Arms folded high on the chest . This displays the arm

muscles, protects the chest, and makes the body

look bulkier . I Staring . If their eye contact increases to staring

they're either in love with you or they want to

attack . The difference is easy to spot . Love involves

eye softening . Anger makes the eyes bulge . I Avoiding gaze altogether . This would come under the

heading of ignoring, which can be aggressive . Make

sure you're not seeing shyness, though . Aggressive

ignoring usually involves a raised chin, as though

they're too important to see you . 370 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I Overly smiling, baring both sets of teeth . This displays

teeth for the purpose of fight .

I Self-harm like scratching, pulling at own hair, or hitting self .

These could be displacement gestures, suggesting

displaced aggression . The point is, who do they feel

aggressive about?

Remember to be perceptive in the workplace, taking note of your colleagues' body language gestures, but always keep in mind that no one gesture will ever "give the game away ." Make sure you're firing on all cylinders, listening to what's said, watching for their general behavior, looking for clues in things like the tone of their voice, and monitoring their body language, both the "performed" gestures and their "leakage" signals .

key PoinTs:

� Never underestimate your killer occasions in the workplace. Plan,

practice, and rehearse .

� Remember, these are performance skills. Learn how to warm up and

how to project . merely "being yourself" will not be enough!

� Get out of your comfort zone on a regular basis. The more you

stretch yourself, the better you will begin to feel .

� Remember, even small details like the way you hold your pen might

leak more away about your inner feelings than you realized . R e A D I n g O Th e R P e O P Le I n The W O Rk PL Ace 371

� Be visually aware. Although there are no exact symptoms when it

comes to reading other people in the workplace, by increasing your

eye scanning you'll have a far greater understanding of the way

their minds work .

a

lthough this book will have given you huge insights

into how we think and behave, I do hope you won't become one of those body language know-it-alls who announce to all that they have almost mystical skills of mind reading. Remember that there are no absolutes, but remember too that it's the very complexity of body language that makes it so fascinating. Your study of body language should be an on-going hobby or science. We're all experts and you probably began this book with much more knowledge than you realized.

Keep positive about your own skills. The greatest changes in your life will be achieved by sculpting your own body language to make it endorse what you say or to speak out on your behalf instead of heckling you. I've taken a tough tone because I know it's easy to give up once you begin to step outside your comfort zone, but I also know that the techniques I've shown you really do work. 374 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

The initial effort is worth it, and, don't forget, no one's asking you to be perfect . Never try to clone yourself, but do bring all your best skills and personality traits to the surface . It's the differences that make us special, not the similarities .

Bod y lAng

diCTio n A Ry

A

guide to terms, words and general jargon used either

in this book or by other people!

Absorbed Actions: Those actions we pick up via subcon-

scious copy . Accelerated Blink Rate: When an adrenalin surge, caused by

stress or anger, makes the blink rate increase . Active-listening Signals: Actions that include nodding, facial

mirroring, tilting the head, etc ., to show you're

listening to someone . Adaptors: The name given to the small gestures someone

makes when in a state of cognitive dissonance or

anxiety . This would include self-comfort gestures

such as facial touch . Aggressive Arousal: A state of anger where physical symptoms

are produced . In body language terms, this can be

jaw tightening, muscle clenching, and the use of 376 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

fists or ritualized weapons like finger pointing or

head batoning . Air-hump: The subtle pelvic jerks that a man may do while

talking to his friends when he sees a woman he is

attracted to . Air-kiss: A cheek-to-cheek kiss that may not involve

touching . Alerting Signals: Raising a hand, removing spectacles, doing

eye-flashes (see page 287), and so on, to show a desire

to speak . Ambivalent Signals: Using different signals, both of which

are genuine, performed at the same time but send out

different messages . Ankle-lock gesture: Standing with your ankles crossed

together . Announcement gesture: Also known as alerting signal . Asymmetric Smiling: A crooked smile . Auto-contact gesture: Self-touch . Autonomic Signals: Stress-promoted actions or body changes,

like fidgeting, fast breathing, accelerated blink rate,

pallor or flushing, crying, and so on .

Back-channel Signals: Gestures that encourage a speaker, like

nodding . Barrier gestures: The hands, arms or legs will attempt to

"protect" their owner from "attack," or props can

be used to the same effect . Barrier gestures could be B O D y LA n gU A g e D I c T IO n ARy 377

folded arms and legs, a raised wine glass, or a handbag

pulled across the chest . Certain types of fiddling,

like playing with a cuff or moving the strap of a

handbag, can also be performed to create a temporary

barrier pose . Baton Signals: Any gesture that emphasizes the pace of

the words . Body contact Tie-signs: The ways close friends or lovers touch

each other to communicate in public . Body-guide: Using small movements like pats or touches to

steer someone .

celebratory Displays: These can be instinctive, resulting from

an adrenalin burst caused by a win, including leaps in

the air, running, air punching, or dancing; restrained, as

in a modest smile or small air-punch; or even performed

in place of a win . Losing contestants or award nominees

will often smile and throw their arms in the air when

they hear that someone else has won . closure Signals: The way we signal a conversation is over,

for example, cutting down the back-channel signals,

looking around the room, and so on . cluster Signals: An overall view of someone's body language

gestures . cognitive Algebra: The way the mind pieces together various

stimuli and signals, often visual, to produce an overall

impression of the subject . 378 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

cognitive Dissonance: This can occur when the brain is sent

conflicting messages or signals, as in incongruent

communications . comfort gestures: These can be symbolic, like a speaker

opening his or her arms toward the audience in an

empty embrace, or more personal, like a touch or

hug . complementary Body Language: This occurs when two or more

speakers talk from the same body language state, or a

state that is sought by the other speaker . For instance,

two friends chatting might both use animated gestures

and smiles . However, it would also be complementary

if one person was dominant and dictatorial and the

other submissive and compliant . compound gestures: Gestures that require several stages or

disciplines of movement . congruent Signals: This occurs when the visual, verbal, and

vocal communications all send out the same message,

making the speaker appear honest and convincing . contradictory Signals: When two different signals are sent out,

usually when one is honest and one is a lie . crotch-cover gestures: Also known as fig-leaf displays, usually

male gestures of insecurity . crotch-displays: Any subconscious or overt attempt to get

attention in the crotch area, for example, sitting with

legs splayed, and so on . B O D y LA n gU A g e D I c T IO n ARy 379

cues: Body language cues refer to the way we draw conclu-

sions about someone from looking at them . cutoff Signals: Usually a dropping of the head or closing of

the eyes to register lack of interest or attention or a

desire to be somewhere else .

Dead-fish: A limp handshake . Delayed gratification: Pausing before moments of pleasure,

usually to enjoy or relish the anticipation or to

enhance the pleasure . Denial gestures: These are often small body language

gestures and/or expressions that appear to disagree

with or confuse the speaker's key point . They are

generally prompted by embarrassment or a desire to

be liked and will usually appear at the end of a talk or

presentation . They usually take the form of eye-rolls,

mouth- or shoulder-shrugs or even silly walks back to

your seat . Discovered Actions: Gestures or movements we acquire

without thinking about it, often because of comfort,

for example, folding the arms . Displacement Signals: When you carry out the body language

ritual or movement on someone or something other

than the person that prompted the emotion, for

example, biting your own lip when you get angry with

someone else . 380 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

Distance Displays: Greeting or acknowledgement gestures

used from a distance, for example, waving, and so on . Distracted kiss: This occurs when two people come together

to kiss but one or both looks over the other's shoulder

as the kiss occurs . This is usually seen as insulting as

the distracted kisser appears to be looking around for

something or someone more interesting . Distraction Signals: Seen in apes and humans at moments

of agitation . These appear counterproductive, for

example, yawning during times of great fear or

stopping to groom, and so on . Dog Facing: A deadpan, downtrodden expression, often used

when there are figures of authority present .

emotional Intelligence: Having the ability to be empathetic

and "see" what other people are feeling or "read"

other people . emphatic gestures: These are quite exaggerated hand, head,

or even foot gestures that endorse the verbal message

by accentuating its sentiments . empty embrace: When a speaker holds his or her arms out

toward the audience in a gesture that mimics an

invitation to embrace . erect Thumb: This is primarily a male signal of enjoyment,

also known as a "thumbs up ." The thumb goes up and

even back, like a gun that's been cocked . It can occur B O D y LA n gU A g e D I c T IO n ARy 381

during consumption of food, the playing of sports, or

even during a confident or winning moment at work . expressions: Facial movements, facial expressions . extended gaze: When the eye contact lingers it is usually a

sign of love, lust, or anger . eye-block gesture: When a listener performs long, slow

blinks, ostensibly to blank you out when they become

bored . eye contact: When a speaker and/or listener looks into the

eyes of the other person . eye-flash: A sudden intense and meaningful glance, often

for warning or to obtain agreement . eye-gaze: Usually prolonged in lovers, creating the concept

"love at first sight ." Normal eye-gaze can be an inten-

tional gesture though, signaling where the gazer would

really like to be, for example, the exit . eye-puff: Widening the eyes by pulling the lids back . eye-shrug: When the eyes are raised temporarily upward,

usually in a gesture of exasperation . eye-shuffle: Looking quickly from side to side in an attempt

to find escape . eye-stutter: Irregular blinking, signaling confusion .

Face Framing: Holding your hands around your face during a

conversation in an attempt to make the other person

focus on that area of your body . 382 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

Finger-baton: When the finger (usually the index finger) is

held erect and waggled at someone, implying a desire

to hit or beat them into submission . Finger counting: A way of holding an audience's attention or

letting them know you want to say more, by keeping

track of your points on your fingers while holding

them at chest level .

gated hands: Made famous by former Prime Minister Tony

Blair, gated hands is a term I coined to describe

his habit of constantly holding both hands in

front of his chest with palms turned inward, like

a gate that he then kept opening out and closing

tight . A gesture that suggests closed thoughts or

dominant status . gestures: Actions that send out signals . Usually performed

with the hands . grooming Display: This can be real, as in picking a hair

from someone's jacket or self-grooming, for example,

touching your own hair, or it can be ritualized, the

body language equivalent of small talk .

hamster hands: A term I coined to describe a habit women

have of talking with their hands clasped high on their

chest, like a hamster clutching a sunflower seed . hand-chop: A gesture of anger or signaling the end of a B O D y LA n gU A g e D I c T IO n ARy 383

discussion or conversation . The hand is literally used

like a chopper, sometimes landing on a desk or the

other palm . hand-sandwich: A two-handed handshake, also referred to

as the Glove . hand-swat: Displaying the back of the hand toward some-

one and then miming swatting or pushing them away

with it . head-baton: Popular with impassioned speakers like British

politician Neil Kinnock, the head-baton involves

swiping the head or pushing it through the air to

illustrate commitment . hug Patting: When a couple hugs, the pat is a recognized

sign to break . Men tend to overly pat during man-on-

man hugs to signal there's no sexual motive .

Illustrative gestures: The hands are used to mime or define

what the person is talking about . Inborn Actions: Gestures you do by instinct, rather than learn

or copy . Incongruent Body Language: When the words, tone, or body

language signals appear to be out of tune--that is,

saying different things . In this case it is usually the

body language that is seen as the most credible . Inconvenience Displays: The more a host inconveniences him-

or herself to greet a visitor the greater the apparent 384 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

status of the visitor, for example, standing to greet

someone or even waiting out on the street when their

car arrives . Instant gratification: Someone taking what they want when

they want it, rather than waiting . Intentional eye-gaze: The eyes look toward the true area of

interest or the place the gazer would like to be or

intends to be . Intentional gesture: Any gesture that gives warning of the

gesture or movement that is to follow . Interactional Synchronization: When people move in the same

way . This seems like coincidence but can often be a

result of following each other's body language cues . Intimate Territory: The zone of space around us that we

are only comfortable with close friends or family

members invading .

Jaw-jut: Sticking out the lower jaw, usually to display

displeasure or the sulk state . It can also be an aggressive

signal . When the jaw is jutted toward an enemy it can

be a strong sign of defiance .

killer Walk: A term coined by me for my book Sex Signals,

where I explained how vital a smooth, sensual walking

style can be as part of the attraction process . B O D y LA n gU A g e D I c T IO n ARy 385

Leading: This is where someone will mirror another person's

body language before changing their own state in a

bid to lead the other person to do the same . Leakage: This occurs when your body language "leaks"

out your true feelings in one or a series of giveaway

gestures . Leg-clamp: This usually follows the leg-lock, when the

hands grip on to the upper leg . Leg-lock: When the legs are crossed but with the upper leg

crossed high, across the thigh of the lower leg . Lightning Smile: As used by British Prime Minister Gordon

Brown, the lightning smile disappears just as quickly

as it appears, like a bolt of lightning coming out of

the blue . Lowered Steeple: When the fingers are steepled with the tips

pointing toward the ground, usually a sign of critical

listening .

masking: Performing body language expressions or gestures

to deliberately mask your true feelings . This can be

done for deliberate deception or to be socially polite . matador Stab: Term coined by me during the 2005 British

election to describe the overly emphatic method

of nailing a point by pointing both index fingers

toward the lectern and stabbing them in a downward