The Book of Basketball (105 page)

42.
Jabaal Abdul-Simmons counters, “Of course the NBA modeled the Logo after
a white man!”

43.
Jabaal counters, “Of course
SI
said the white man was just as good!”

44.
Interesting note that may or may not have been racially motivated: West earned two laudatory
SI
megafeatures during his career (one in March ’65, the other in February ’72). They never wrote
one
about Oscar. Maybe that’s because they thought he was a prick. But isn’t it weird that “Jordan before Jordan” couldn’t earn a single
SI
feature during his apex when West, Russell, Cousy and Wilt earned at least two each?

45.
I like the days when the NBA held “(Fill in the Star) Night,” gave them gifts and brought in peers to pay tribute to those guys, only the star was still playing. Can you imagine if a team like San Antonio held Tim Duncan Night if he wasn’t retired? How mortified would Duncan be on a scale of 1 to 10? 15? 22? 27?

46.
An 81-inch wingspan? Jay Bilas just hosed himself down.

47.
Lenny Wilkens in
Tall Tales:
“I wish they had kept track of steals when Jerry and I played because we would have been the league leaders. He had hands that were as quick as a snake’s tongue.” West only played two months of the ’74 season before blowing out his knee (ending his career), but in those 31 games, he had 81 steals. And that was at the tail end of his basketball life! Imagine West’s resume if he was averaging 3 steals a game, made 3 three’s a game, shot 40-plus from three and made 13 first-team All-Defenses.

48.
Red Auerbach in
Tall Tales:
“What people don’t realize is that Jerry West is one of the greatest defensive guards ever.” He failed to add, “My only regret is that I never had a chance to coach him!” That was a Red staple for every retired number ceremony from 1980 to 2007; it was more reliable than Michael Buffer screaming, “Let’s get ready to rummmmm-mble!” That’s right,
two
Buffer footnotes in the Pantheon. And you know what? We might go for three. Don’t put it past me.

49.
Even his postplaying career helps the West vs. Oscar argument—nobody wanted to hire Oscar, but West built eight title teams in two distinctly different eras (Shaq/Kobe and Magic/Kareem). He’s the only top 20 Pyramid guy who thrived in basketball after his career ended. Does this mean he was a shrewder player than everyone realized, or was his success running the Lakers just a complete coincidence? I go with the former.

50.
Blame me for this. I broke plans to watch the lottery with Dad, choosing to monitor the proceedings at the Cape Cod house of a girlfriend my friends referred to only as “the Lunatic.” Needless to say, we didn’t make it too long. But even as the trip was unfolding, I thought to myself, “This is the wrong move. I’m selling Dad down the river. I don’t even like this girl that much.” But I couldn’t stop myself. The C’s ended up with the third and sixth picks. I set the franchise back five years. Again, I blame me.

51.
Beyond the usual “smartest player” instincts, Duncan had a knack for picking his spots and sensing exactly when his team needed him to take over. If they needed a 34–22 from TD in a must-win playoff game, he did it. If they needed an 18-point fourth quarter from TD, he did it. If they only needed him to do dirty work, protect the rim, draw double teams for other guys and make everyone else better, he did it. He could adapt to any game and any situation. That’s what separated him from KG.

52.
It struck me as I’m writing this—I don’t even know if Duncan has a wife and kids. Or anything about him. He’s one of those guys who could pop up in
Us Weekly
dating some one like Eva Mendes and you’d be thoroughly confused, only you wouldn’t be able to figure out why.

53.
Bruce Bowen, Antonio Daniels, rookie Tony Parker, Malik Rose, Danny Ferry, Charles Smith, a past-his-prime David Robinson, a pretty-much-past-his-prime Steve Smith and a past-his-being-past-his-prime Terry Porter. And everyone claimed
KG
didn’t have help?

54.
That Lakers series was tied at 2–2 when Duncan put up a 64–30 in the next two wins (16 for 25 in the 29-point blowout that clinched it). Shaq had a 51–22 in those games. Also, Duncan’s ’03 postseason had the highest win share rating ever: 5.98. I’d be more excited if I knew what this means.

55.
Duncan never received enough credit here: after playing 275 of a possible 289 games the previous three years, he sucked it up and represented his country while KG passed. Why? Because KG was tired from making it past the second round for the first time. But KG is the “warrior”? Really? Wait, why do I keep ripping a Celtic?

56.
In my annual “Who has the highest NBA trade value?” column gimmick that started on my old website in 2001 and continued at ESPN, Duncan finished no. 2, no. 2, no. 3, no. 1, no. 2, no. 1, no. 3, no. 3, and no. 4. Through 2008, San Antonio finished 615–265 with him during the regular season, 91–57 in the Playoffs, won four titles and finished 4–0 in the Finals. Now that’s consistency.

57.
Grumpy Old Editor’s grizzled take: “No one coasted more, ever, not even Eddy Curry. Wilt coasted during so many seasons that he should have been named an honorary member of the gag pop group The Coasters. Putting Wilt in the Pantheon? I thought you were a radical.”

58.
Please check out any of Chuck’s books. He’s the only sports atheist I know—loves sports, loves following sports, doesn’t root for specific teams. Had we known each other in college, we either would have been best friends or fought to the death. Or maybe both.

59.
Chuck’s footnote: “Yes, yes—I realize rebounds were ‘easier to come by’ in the pre-modern era. Everybody concedes that. But it doesn’t matter: If you divide Chamberlain’s lifetime board numbers
in half
, the quotient (11.45) is still competitive with the full career averages for Barkley, Moses, and Shaq. Or think about it this way: If Chamberlain had never played during the second half of any game in his entire career, he would still have eight more career rebounds than Dennis Rodman.”

60.
Forgot to mention: I thought of Chuck for a dissenting Wilt opinion because he’s the only other person I know who read Wilt’s 1973 autobiography. I think we even exchanged “What about that stewardess blowing Wilt!” emails. Do they have lifetime achievement Pulitzers? I really think the committee needs to reexamine Wilt’s body of work.

61.
Did you ever try to come up with the dumbest parallel for the Bird-Magic rivalry? I like this one: the two Shannons (Whirry and Tweed) were the Bird and Magic of Cine-max. From 1992 to 1995, Whirry starred in
Animal Instincts, Body of Influence, Lady in Waiting, Fatal Pursuit, Animal Instincts II, Private Obsession, Playback
and
Dangerous Prey
, while Tweed carried, from 1992 to 1996,
Night Eyes II, Night Eyes III, Indecent Behavior, The Naked Truth, Cold Sweat, Possessed by the Night, Indecent Behavior II, Night Fire, Hard Vice, Indecent Behavior III, Hotline, Body Chemistry 4, Electra, The Dark Dancer
and
Scorned
(probably her epic). What a stretch! And it happened right before Internet porn took off. Just like we’ll never see another Bird and Magic, we will never see anything like the two Shannons.

62.
It was just too easy to crack the Legends Club preexpansion: Wilt put up a 7 and three 9’s, Oscar/Elgin did it multiple times, and even the likes of Neil Johnston and Dolph Schayes made it.

63.
Considering Bird and Magic became good friends, isn’t it conceivable—repeat: conceivable—that they’d become teammates once in their waning years? Imagine them offering Orlando a package deal for 1994–95:
sign us for one year.
How fast does Orlando say yes, 0.09 seconds? How weird would it have been to have Magic on the Magic, or Bird wearing that goofy black Orlando uniform and throwing alley-oops for Shaq? And what if MJ returned from his basketball sabbatical for the ’95 playoffs? Bird, Magic,
and
MJ in one series? Also, I’d be wearing a straitjacket right now.

64.
The complete list of all-O/no-D small forwards from 1980–88: Dantley, English, Dominique, Aguirre, Kiki Vandeweghe, John Drew, Tripucka, Chambers, Walter Davis, Scott Wedman, Bernard King, Albert King, Jay Vincent, Purvis Short, Jamaal Wilkes, Thurl Bailey, Marques Johnson, Mike Mitchell, Orlando Woolridge, Dale Ellis, Eddie Johnson … and yes, Doc post-1983. A surprisingly large group for a 21-team league.

65.
When Smith struggled as a Celtics rookie, Boston fans quickly arrived at the same conclusion: “There’s nooooooooo way this guy can make it.” He did leave one legacy: He was the single greatest H-O-R-S-E player in the history of the Celtics. Not even Bird could beat him.

66.
The Best Porn Name All-Stars: Dick Pound, Pete LaCock, Ken Bone, Misty Hyman, Ben Gay, Magic Johnson, Rich Harden, Dick Trickle, Rusty Kuntz, Billy “the Whopper” Paultz, Butch Huskey, Randy “Big Unit” Johnson, Hot Rod Williams, Dick Pole and Wayne Chism, with Mo Cheeks and Dick Harter as coaches.

67.
Magic (’79) and Isiah (’81) weren’t just the first two men to kiss each other in prime time; they were the first underclassmen to get picked first in the NBA draft; from 1946 to 1992, only three others (Chris Washburn, Chris Jackson and Kenny Anderson) were picked in the top 5.

68.
Kudos to me for using Magic and Long Dong Silver in an analogy that had nothing to do with sex. I continue to amaze myself.

69.
Magic’s performance in a deciding Game 3 was one of the worst ever by a Pyramid guy: he missed 12 of 14 shots, bricked two free throws in the final 30 seconds and air-balled the series-deciding shot.

70.
During the same time, the Doobie Brothers had a similar platoon going with Michael McDonald and Patrick Simmons as their lead vocalists. Like Nixon, Simmons had been there first … and like Magic, McDonald was clearly more talented and capable of pushing the band to another level. Mikey Mac left for a hugely successful solo career—twenty-five years later, he’s still cranking out albums and spitting all over microphones. I should also mention that (a) the woman who broke his heart and caused “Minute by Minute,” “What a Fool Believes” and “I Keep Forgetting” must have given him the greatest sex ever, and (b) my buddy Bish and I made a dunk video on a 9-foot rim in 1988 set to Mikey Mac’s “Our Love” that will end my career if it ever lands on YouTube.

71.
An excerpt: “Calling on Magic [in the clutch] is like asking Busby Berkeley to step in and direct the climactic scene in an Ingmar Bergman movie.” I was just thinking that! Nobody slammed out awkward pop culture references like
SI
in the seventies and eighties.

72.
Eddie: Sinatra; Magic: Dean; Arsenio: Sammy. I always thought
The Black Pack
would be a great documentary: they were on top of the world for four years, then Magic got HIV, Eddie’s career went in the tank and Arsenio had financial problems. And that’s just the start of it. I’d say more, but my legal team just electroshocked me.

73.
Something rarely mentioned here—the combination of Magic’s HIV, Warren Beatty getting old and Eddie Murphy left a huge void for Hollywood Alpha Dogs getting laid by the elite of the elite. Then Leo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck showed up. Void filled!

74.
GQ
’s Charlie Pierce believed that Magic and alter ego Earvin battled like Superman and Bizarro Superman. Earvin had a longtime girlfriend named Cookie; Magic cheated on her relentlessly. Earvin had an illegitimate son; Magic carried on like the boy didn’t exist. Earvin was a shrewd investor who tripled his NBA income off the court; Magic behaved like a college kid on spring break. Post-HIV Earvin educated everyone about his virus; post-HIV Magic bragged about his earlier, wilder ways.

75.
The philosophy: If his one-night stand didn’t share his bed all night, the event was somehow okay. I wish I had thought of this rule in college. Wait, why am I making fun of this? Can’t the Supreme Court pass this as a law?