The Book of Basketball (71 page)

51.
Marin was best known for a disorienting red burn mark that took up much of his right arm. I remember being patently terrified of him as a little kid. These days, he would have just cluttered that arm up with tattoos and we wouldn’t have noticed it. GOE adds, “He was also part of a great Bullets team that you’re overlooking with Unseld, Monroe, Kevin Loughery and Gus Johnson. A classic second-best team that is now forgotten.” That might be his grumpiest and oldest interruption yet.

52.
During the postgame celebration, Hayes responded to a few needling questions about his Game 7 no-show by saying, “They can say whatever they want. But they gotta say one thing: E’s a world champion. He wears the ring.” The Sports Guy enjoyed E’s use of the third-person nickname tense on that one.

53.
It’s hard to take that nickname seriously when he sucked in the ’84 Finals and basically blew the series with his backcourt lob that Gerald Henderson picked off in Game 2. Whatever, it rhymes. I like nicknames that rhyme—even “Never Nervous Pervis” made Ellison seem like 50 percent less of a bust.

54.
In his first five seasons, Worthy missed 42 of 43 threes. In the next two seasons, he “improved” to 4-for-39. So for his first seven seasons, Worthy took 82 threes and missed 77 of them. That has to be some sort of record, right?

55.
This has only been tried once, in an awful Nicolas Cage movie called
Family Man
, where he got to see what his life would have been like if he hadn’t gotten married. I don’t need a movie to know what my life would have been like: I would have been traveling to various sporting events every week, going to Vegas once a month and dating sideline reporters and my outdoor office would have 10 TVs instead of just 4. Also, I’d have a cold sore on my lower lip. And it would hurt when I pee.

56.
The starting five: Bill Walton, Worthy, Jamaal Wilkes, Baron Davis and Walt Frazier, with Brian Winters as sixth man and Mike Newlin, Phil Jackson, Mike Gminski and World B. Free coming off the bench. I’m excluding Kareem out of sheer spite.

57.
Not to be confused with Jay “I Shouldn’t Have Bought a Motorcycle” Williams or Jayson “I Didn’t Kill My Chauffeur” Williams.

58.
Sura played so black that House (who fancied himself a black person, and still does) bought a game-worn Sura jersey on eBay and wore it in pickup games for a few years. They were like kindred spirits.

59.
The starting five for that team: Jack Sikma, Rick Barry, Jason Kidd, Scottie Pippen and Anthony Mason, with Moochie Norris, Steve Nash, Chris Andersen, Darnell Hillman and Chris Kaman coming off the bench.

60.
This category always seems to have over-the-top affirmations like “I swear to God,” “I can promise you,” and “I don’t have a doubt in my mind.”

61.
I just ducked a lightning bolt.

62.
Steve Jones’ nickname? “Snapper.” He
refuses
to reveal why they called him “Snapper.” He’s even ducked the question in
NBA.com
chats other than to say that two ABA teammates in New Orleans gave it to him and that there’s a story behind it. My guess involves a French Quarter hooker, a whip and hot beignets.

63.
Earning the nickname “Bad News” as a professional athlete is like earning the nickname “One-Night Stand” as a sorority girl—really, there’s no getting around the implicit message.

64.
If I could have anybody’s jump shot, I’d take Mike Miller’s. It’s perfect. It’s like seeing Halle Berry go topless in
Swordfish
for the first time—you don’t even know what to say while you’re watching it. Words can’t do it justice. Ray Allen’s jumper ranks second. Eric Gordon’s jumper ranks third. And Shawn Marion’s jumper ranks last.

65.
Grumpy Old Editor’s favorite “nobody tried more than DeBusschere” memory: “Dave scored on a tip-in to put the Knicks ahead in Game 3 of the 1970 Finals. When West hit the 65-footer to tie it, Dave was somehow already under that basket—and dropped to the ground in shock like Michael Cooper.”

66.
I feel funny even mentioning Goldman’s credentials: he’s the greatest living screenwriter, an Oscar winner, and the author or coauthor of three of my favorite books
(Wait Till Next Year, Adventures in the Screen Trade
, and
Which Lie Did I Tell?: More Adventures in the Screen Trade).
He’s also been a Knicks season ticket holder for over 40 years. He is overqualified to discuss DeBusschere.

67.
He means Frazier, not Drexler. There’s only one Clyde in New York.

68.
This happened in ’75 after they started keeping track of blocks/steals. Odds are, Russell and Wilt would have had a few in their day. And by “a few,” I mean “a few dozen.”

69.
The series ended with Norm Van Lier sprawled on his knees, his head hanging, unable to stand for Barry’s clinching FTs because he was so distraught. Bob Ryan says Chicago’s Van Lier/Jerry Sloan backcourt was the “physically and mentally” toughest backcourt that he’s ever seen. Chicago averaged 52 W’s from ’71 to ’75 and got swallowed up by Kareem’s Bucks and West’s Lakers in the West.

70.
Of the 36 centers who played 75+ playoff games, Thurmond had the second-lowest FG% (41.6%), trailing only Jason Collins (37%). Russell was fourth-lowest (43%), Dave Cowens was seventh-lowest (45%) and Mark West was first (56.6%), so you can’t read
too
much into it. But still.

71.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist. “Who wants to sex Mutombo?” is my favorite NBA urban legend other than “Are you ready for Maggette?”

72.
The greatest example: In Game 1 of the ’92 Finals, after MJ’s fifth three-pointer, Clyde came back down and forced a three to “respond.” Air ball. So awkward when it happened. Nobody had less of a sense of the moment than Drexler.

73.
I’m being generous with the “showed enough promise” compliment here; Clyde averaged 18 minutes and an 8–3–2. Not exactly MJ territory. On the other hand, anytime you have a chance to take a five-year senior who missed two years because of stress fractures, you gotta do it.

74.
Vecsey’s take: “Enough of the gentlemanly behavior. Later for his nice-guy image. You can’t think about beating Jordan by being permissive or overly respectful.” Translation: “Grow some balls, Clyde!”

75.
Did you know Eric Piatkowski has the lowest career APG of any guard who played at least 500 games? Pie played 789 games and finished with 778 assists (1.0 per game). His nickname should have been “Black Pie Hole.”

76.
FG percentages of the best modern PGs: Tiny (47%), GP (47%), KJ (49%), Stockton (52%), Isiah (45%), Nash (49%), Mo Cheeks (52%), Mark Price (47%), Gus Williams (46%), Tim Hardaway (43%).

77.
When they finally turn Poe’s “Cask of Amontillado” into a movie, I want Hunter to play Montresor.

78.
Jersey landed Devin Harris and two number ones in a trade that also cost Dallas $11 million (factoring in the luxury tax). It’s the worst non-Isiah trade of this decade other than Houston stealing T-Mac from Orlando.

79.
This scandal led to roughly 200,000 Brandon-Kelly-Dylan jokes at the time.

80.
Dallas
did
get Sam Cassell and Michael Finley back. Of course, Dallas f’ed up a year later with an eight-player deal that basically landed them Shawn Bradley and Robert Pack for Cassell, Jimmy Jackson and Chris Gatling. That same season, they dealt Mashburn for Sasha Danilovic and Kurt Thomas. So not only did Braxton implode the Kidd-Mashburn-Jackson nucleus, she eventually turned them into Finley and a load of crap. Thank you, Toni.

81.
Kidd and Stockton should have been grandfathered into every All-Star Game until each turned fifty. Seriously, I’d rather watch a forty-eight-year-old Stockton run an All-Star offense than Gilbert Arenas or Chauncey Billups.

82.
Comedian Guy Torry made fun of Kidd’s son at a Shaq roast, joking about his oversized head and little-kid mustache, comparing him to the Great Gazoo of
The Flintstones
and basically crossing every comedy line. When they showed Shaq sprawled over the dais laughing his ass off, supposedly Kidd was bitter and it’s been awkward with them ever since. I feel like you need to know these things.

83.
My all-time team for Guys You Wouldn’t Have Wanted to Follow in a Bathroom Had They Been in There For a Half Hour or More”: Unseld (C), Hot Plate Williams (PF), Charles Barkley (SF), Micheal Ray Richardson (SG), John Bagley (PG). I picked Micheal Ray because he may have been too coked up to remember to flush.

84.
The ’78 Bullets were easily the worst post-Russell champs, finishing 44–38 with a point differential of 0.9. During the regular season, their opponents finished better than them in FG%, FT%, steals, assists and blocks and averaged 2.5 fewer turnovers a game. Of their 38 losses, 14 of them came by double digits.

85.
In Ken Shouler’s book, Bob Ryan raves, “No man in history ever began more fast breaks with 50-foot outlet passes than Wes Unseld did,” and Auerbach adds, “Wes was the greatest outlet passer of them all, the only one I’d rate better than Russell.”

86.
That was the first Double Whopper Double: Eddy hit double figures in negative plus-minus and body fat. Eddy was recently hit with a gay sexual harassment suit by his chauffeur, who made a far-fetched claim that Eddy swung his dick at him and said, “You know you want to touch it, Dave.” (My buddy House immediately changed his fantasy team’s name to that quote.) Then Malik Rose defended Eddy by saying, “I know for a fact Eddy’s not gay,” spawning a few days of “How exactly do you know this, Malik?” chatter. Then we learned that Eddy had six kids by two different women … and those are the kids we know about. So maybe that’s how Malik knew. Or maybe he said, “Hey Eddy, in the mood for some gay sex tonight?” and Eddy turned him down. Or maybe they had a threesome together. Or maybe Eddy tried to boink Malik’s girlfriend. Did House and I spend fifteen minutes on the phone trying to figure this out? Of course we did.

87.
Morey became the league’s first statistically savvy GM when Houston hired him in 2007. We became friends when he worked for the Celtics. He runs the Sloan Sports Analytical Conference every year (which I nicknamed Dorkapalooza), and when he invited me in 2009, once I saw him swarmed by MIT grads the way the paparazzi swarm Britney, I nicknamed him “Dork Elvis.” He admitted this was funny. Begrudgingly.

88.
I initially called this
Swing Blocks
before realizing it sounded like a gay porn movie. Couldn’t you see an early-nineties VCR tape of
Swing Blocks
with all the NBA’s Duke grads on the cover dressed like construction workers?

89.
I thought about creating another stat for successful screens and picks, but that seems too arbitrary. Sorry, Wes.

90.
Hollinger is a great guy and we’ve had good-natured arguments about this. He admits his formula is a work in progress—it values “per-48-minute” production, rebounds, and FG% too much. But he still believes in it. If this were
Lost
, I’d be Locke and he’d be Jack. Neither one of us is right or wrong; that’s the great thing. Okay, that’s not true—I’m right. But the man does make me think.

91.
Actually, it jumped from 15.9 to 22. What’s a little Wes talk without a dab of gushing exaggeration?

92.
You would
not
have wanted him as your GM. I emailed House, a long-suffering Bullets fan, and asked him for his four favorite abominable Unseld moves. His return email via BlackBerry: “Traded Ben Wallace for Isaac Austin; [Mitch] Richmond for C-Webb; number one for washed-up Mark Price; acquisition/gross-overpay of Kevin Duckworth; $25 million for Jahidi White; traded our number one three straight years for
shit;
failed to lock up Juwan [Howard] the summer before his contract year, lowballed after Juwan put up big numbers, then paid $30–40 million more than the contract would have cost previous summer after Stern voided free-agent signing by Miami. Sure there’s more but I’m doing this off top of my head—playing golf right now. I love Wes but HE SUCKED!”