The Boots My Mother Gave Me (25 page)

“I’m only trying to help, Ma.”

“Just because you say it, doesn’t mean it’s the truth.” She pulled her casserole from the oven.

“I know.” I sat down at the kitchen table, holding my head between my hands, mussing my hair.

“You got a good thing going with Xander. I like Jeremiah. I always have, but if you two were meant to be together, it would have happened a long time ago. I didn’t like the idea of you coming home to stay with him when you first told me, and I sure don’t like it now. Look at you. That boy has got you so messed up.” She pulled a plate from the cupboard, bringing it to the table, setting it in my father’s place.

“I know. I thought I could handle this. I can. It’s only certain times I get caught.”

Mom placed her hand gently over mine. She paused then rubbed my hand again. “Where’s your ring?” I quickly pulled my hand to eye level, running my thumb over my finger, my engagement ring, gone.

“That serves me right,” I scolded, rising in search of the ring. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

“Calm down now. It’s got to be here somewhere. When was the last time you noticed it?”

“I had it when I left Jeremiah’s. He was doing physical therapy, and the only reason I didn’t end up doing something stupid was because I kept looking at it, reminding myself not to do
something stupid.
Maybe I lost it when I got Megan out of her car seat.” I hurried outside to Charlene as Mom followed.

“Where’s the fire?” Dad asked.

“She lost her ring,” Mom said.

I flung the doors open on Charlene, scanning the floorboards, digging behind seats and under floor mats, scouring her for any sight of the canary yellow diamond.
What are you doing here? Why didn’t you just stay in New York?
Did I lose my engagement ring because I somehow subconsciously wished it away? All the times I looked at it and felt claustrophobic, all the times I wished it wasn’t there in the company of Jeremiah, this was exactly what I deserved, but Xander didn’t deserve this.
How did he get caught up with the likes of me?

“What does it look like?” Dad continued.

“I have to find that ring. Xander gave it to me as a promise. What does that say, now that I’ve lost it?” I panicked, on the verge of tears, a combination of losing the ring and the ongoing tension between Jeremiah and me.

“Now, calm down,” Dad said. “We’ll find it. Tell me what it looks like. Don’t cry. Everything’s going to be all right.” Here I was, crying in front of my father, the thing I detested most. How odd, to see him the calm, collected one. It was nice, a relief.

Gathering myself, I hastily wiped at my tears. “It’s square and yellow with a silver band.”

“Okay, now that’s something I can work with. Megan, you and Grampy got a new game. It’s called find Aunt Harley’s ring.”

“Like hide-and-seek?” Megan asked enthusiastically.

“Exactly.”

“Thanks Dad,” I called after him, as he and Megan began searching the driveway.

We looked for an hour, unsuccessfully. The sun had set and we were out there in the dark with flashlights. Certain I lost it for good, all of the sudden Megan called out, “Grampy found it! Grampy found it! It was right in front of the tire on his big wheeler.” His big wheeler, that’s what she called the milk truck he drove.

Mom and I went to them and sure enough, there it was, unscathed. I threw my arms around Dad, hugging him tightly. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

“Good thing Grampy found that, or it would have been squashed under that great big old tire. It would have been toast!” Megan asserted comically. The child had Kat’s sense of humor. We all laughed, now that we could.

He hugged me back. “No problem kid, just glad we found it,” he said.

Even though I wouldn’t have wanted to go through losing the ring again, I felt fortunate to have that moment with my father. I could tell it made him feel as good as it did me, relying on him, having him come through. I think I may have been a daddy’s girl for an hour.

L
ater that evening at Gram’s, Mom was in the back of the house, putting Megan down for bed, Gram and I in the living room, her hospital bed placed there so she could get her sunshine through the large picture windows. I pulled the shades as night completely fell upon us.

Over the past couple weeks, Gram grew less conversational, ate very little, and lost interest in the things she used to look forward to, like watching
The Price Is Right
and
The Young and the Restless,
her must-sees. She would get so fired up over
The Young and the Restless,
she talked to the screen as if they could hear her every word.

The old-school television set hadn’t changed. It looked the same as when Kat and I used to spend nearly every weekend with her. Our Friday night ritual, we watched
The Dukes of Hazzard.

And wrestling. I loved wrestling, a self-proclaimed Hulkamaniac. I must have got that from Gram, too. She used to watch it way back in the fifties, when Verne Gagne wrestled. She talked to them through the television screen, also, with her fist doubled up, telling them what to do and how to do it. I loved her
chutzpah.

It disheartened me, watching her fade away. Although her wit and charm remained fully intact, she was simply ready to go.

“Harley, I didn’t know you were here,” she said, stirring from her slumber.

“Sorry, Gram. I didn’t mean to wake you.” I took a seat beside her on the bed. She reached for my hand.

“Trust me, I get enough sleep, honey.” She rubbed my left hand. Feeling my ring, she pulled it up to her eyes marveling. “That boy must really love you. I dare say I’ve never seen such a ring.”

“He does, Gram. And sometimes I don’t know why. I’m not the easiest person in the world to love.”

“I loved you from the moment I felt you kick inside your mother’s tummy. People just have to understand you, Harley. Come to know you are your own person, and you make your own way in life. Sometimes that’s hard for people to love, when they can’t make you do what they want you to.”

“I used to make my own way in life, but I kind of feel like I’m just rolling along right now, Gram. Like I have no clue what I want. I have a job, a fiancé, and a real chance at a future. Shouldn’t that be enough?”

She laughed knowingly. “You’re ambitious, always have been. One thing about ambition, it leaves you wanting more, and that’s okay. If that’s who you are, you have to embrace it, honey.”

“But I have to start living responsibly at some point. I don’t need to wake up to my eightieth birthday, alone and destitute, because I flaked around all my life, even if I had a good time doing it,” I softly rebuked, making something between a statement and a question.

“Says who, your mother? Ask her how many times she listened to me. I told her not to marry your father,” Gram said. “And I never listened to my mother, either. That’s the way of it, life. It’s a journey. We all have to find our own path.”

“Was it about a man?” I smiled. “The thing your mother told you, that you didn’t listen to?”

“It’s always about a man.” She smiled back at me. “My mother wanted me to marry Harvey Wilkes. His family owned the surplus store. They did quite well for themselves, for folks around here, anyway. Harvey was hot on my heels and your great-grandmother thought I was plum crazy to turn him away. I would have been set for life, she said. And oh boy, did I ever make her mad when I married your grandfather. Who’s that cartoon character, with the steam coming out the top of his head?”

“Yosemite Sam.”

“That’s what my mother looked like.” She chuckled with the memory. “Your grandfather’s family didn’t have much, they were as poor as us. And she was sure I had ruined my life.” Gram reflected, “My life with your grandpa wasn’t easy. We didn’t know where our next meal was coming from a lot of the time. We married right before the Depression and had eleven kids to boot. I worked all the time it seems. I cleaned and cooked at my house, and everybody else’s. But the thing to remember, the thing I could not make my mother understand, I loved your grandfather. That made all the difference in the world.”

“How did you know you loved him, Gramps?”

“The way I felt when I was with him. The things he did to me when he wasn’t even touching me at all. Just being near him, filled me up inside.” She breathed in deep, exhaling. “And those feelings kind of fade through the years. They peak and valley, coming and going, then the real stuff kicks in, and you truly find out if you love one another.”

She sighed before continuing, “Sometimes you think you’ve grown apart or made the wrong decision. But then you watch him, sitting across the table, the same place he’s sat for the past fifty years, having his coffee and reading the newspaper. And you remember all those old feelings, realizing you wouldn’t trade him for anything. We had sixty-two years together. I’ve been without him for ten, and I’m ready to be with him again,” she said, her eyes watering.

“You will, Gram.” I squeezed her hand. “Do you remember the time you told me never to expect anything from a man?” I quoted her words, “‘You can love them and love them and love them, but don’t ever expect anything from them.’ What did you mean by that? Because I have a lot of expectations.” I smiled.

“I was probably mad at your grandfather because he didn’t take out the trash.” She laughed. “No, honey, what I meant, don’t go trying to change him. We’re fixers, us women, by nature. We want to fix everything, make it better. You can’t fall in love with a man for who he is, and then expect him to change. Just love him, and if he’s worth his salt, he’ll give you what you need and be the man you need him to be.” She tapped my left hand. “I’m surprised...to see you wearing a ring.”

“Did you ever get so caught up in something, so involved, you couldn’t back out?” I asked. “You convince yourself it’s the best thing to do, then everything inside you starts to doubt that?”

“I believe they call that cold feet. And yes, I think everyone goes through that,” she consoled.

“But I feel that way, the way you said Grandpa made you feel. I feel that, Gram,” I admitted desperately.

“Well, then, why the long face?”

I could hear Mom’s footsteps coming down the hallway. “Miah makes me feel that way,” I whispered, holding onto her hand for dear life.

“Oh, honey, that makes me happy. I always liked him.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Mom asked light-heartedly, approaching us.

I looked at Gram; she winked at me. I kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks, Gram. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Harley-girl,” she replied, mocking Jeremiah’s nickname for me. She was so cool, always my go-to for advice. I told her everything. The one person I could confess to, even the deepest secrets of my soul.

“See you in the morning, Gram.” I hugged Mom in passing, before curling up beside Megan in Gram’s bedroom.

Gram passed that night. I like to think Gramps heard her tell me she was ready to be with him and came calling, sweeping her off her feet in the afterlife, as he did here on earth. Four of their children had passed before them, and I remember Gram lamenting how watching her children die was most unnatural, the hardest thing she ever lived through. I hoped they were all together now, once again.

I couldn’t believe she was gone, in absolution. It was bittersweet, longing for her presence, yet relieved she didn’t have to lie in that bed anymore.

My heart ached for Mom. How strange to have both of your parents gone, departed from the earth. We grow up with them our entire lives, never knowing what it’s like to be without them, and then one day they’re gone, just like that. And we’re left here, to make sense of it, to wrap our minds around it.

J
eremiah grew stronger on his way to a full recovery. I convinced Kat to allow me to keep Megan in tow at all times while I stayed with him the past week, as I had not returned to him alone since our incident in the weight room. I was sure to end up unfaithful to Xander if I spent any more time with him, alone. And wouldn’t you know, Megan just loved him. What was it about the LeBeau girls and Jeremiah Johnson? As the last week came to a close, I made preparations to head back to the city. My work and Xander expected me.

I quietly opened the front door to Jeremiah’s house, stepping inside. Maybe I would find him asleep, and I could gather my things and leave. Once inside the door, I turned around and there he slept, as I hoped, only with a twist, as always with him. Megan lay curled up on his chest. My heart felt like pudding, absolutely mushy with the scene. There is nothing sexier than a man with his child. Not that Megan was his, but obviously they bonded. And it made him that much more desirable, I had assumed that impossible.

Coloring books and crayons scattered on the coffee table, along with remnants of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and juice boxes.
Dora the Explorer
sounded from the television set. It looked like they had quite the time. He lay on his back, and right smack dab in the middle of his chest he held the sweetest little thing in the world, Megan, covered with a blanket. Jeremiah’s hand rested on her back, his nails sparkling with bright red nail polish. That was Megan’s new thing, fingernail polish. I covered my mouth, giggling as Kat came charging through the door. I grabbed her, hugging her tightly, hoping to quench any loud words from escaping her mouth, as I spun her in their direction.

“Aw!” she whispered.

“Look at his nails.” I snickered. Kat cracked up laughing, waking them.

She walked to Megan, scooping her off Jeremiah’s chest. “Come on munchkin. Nice nails. I hear all the Marines are doing it.” He playfully grabbed her leg, pulling himself into a seated position. Kat kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks for keeping her.”

“Any time.” He yawned.

Kat walked back to me with Megan in her arms. “Give Aunt Harley kisses.”

“Wait!” Megan interjected, jumping down from Kat’s embrace. She ran to Jeremiah. “What about my picture, the one I did for you?” Pulling her artwork from the coloring book, revealing a toad, she colored for him. Kat and I giggled at the big green frog, elbowing each other. “This is what he used to look like before Aunt Harley kissed him, turning him into a handsome prince,” she explained.