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Authors: Jenny Colgan

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I shook my head. âI don't know.'

He held me at arm's length. âDo you know, I was thinking aboutâ'

âI know,' I said.

He turned away. âI knew it,' he said. âI
knew
it. That's what made you do it, isn't it? That's what brought on this whole bloody â¦ JESUS!'

âI'm sorry.'

âCounselling? No. Telling me what was the fucking matter? No, too tired. A holiday? No, I think I'll just go for the full body time travel.'

âOlly, maybe I wasn't that happy.'

âWe were happy enough.'

âMaybe that wasn't enough.'

He stared at me. âI know why you've gone back to being sixteen.'

âBecause I never left it?'

âBecause â¦ yes. That's exactly what I was going to say.'

We were both quiet now, staring at the ground.

âI even thought â¦' He coughed, after a false start. âI thought it would be cute. You know, if you were thirty and I would be forty-eight. And you would call me “old man”, and play with the children, and run around, and we could
do everything differently, and you wouldn't have to work if you didn't feel like it. You could potter, or go to art school, or â¦' He trailed off, and blinked hard.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. âI'm sorry.'

âYou're not,' he said, straightening up. âI think you're too selfish to be sorry. You've bent the whole fucking world to your will, Flora. Enjoy it on your own.'

And he walked off, his herringbone overcoat flapping in the suddenly chill breeze.

Chapter Nine

I just about held myself together through history â by not saying anything, and keeping a very straight face. Beside me, Stanzi was too busy writing Mrs Constanzia Danesh very carefully on the cover of her exercise book and basking in the admiring murmurings of the other girls to notice.

At break, I almost ran out of the classroom, I was so desperate to avoid speaking to anyone I didn't have to. Stanzi, at any rate, was being mobbed, and was hardly going to miss me.

As far as I remembered, round the back there was a stairwell, close to the staff room â too close for the smokers and snoggers to hang around, but still not a place teachers were likely to go if there were free biscuits on offer upstairs. It was practically always deserted. Tashy and I used to come here to hide and play cards and keep out of the way of bullies. I finally let myself sit down and cry. I felt as if I'd cut the line tethering me to the mainland of my old life. Maybe I had. Maybe I'd just condemned myself for ever.
This was it now. I wasn't going to be heading home at night for one of Olly's famous shepherd's pies, which made him rosy-cheeked, like a stout farmer. Or taking his first corporate credit card and immediately getting drunk on it (Olly paid it all back, of course). Or that time we had in Morocco â¦ or when he used to bring me the papers on a Sunday, then read all the good bits first. All the times I'd looked at him and thought, of this funny, gentle man, yes, this is it. This will do.

No love affair ever lasted that started with âthis will do'.

I fiercely rubbed my still heavily mascaraed eyes from last night (which is absurd, because if you're going to start living your life over again, you really should clear your bad habits, such as not taking your eye makeup off properly) on the side of my sleeve, and sniffed loudly, a proper, snot-filled trumpeting, luxuriating in, for once, being on my own.

âJesus Christ, this sounds like the elephant house at the zoo.'

Justin was standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking at me in a half-amused, half-concerned way.

I did that awful, painful choking thing you do when caught crying and are desperately trying to calm yourself down. That didn't sound too attractive either.

âAre you all right?' he said, coming out of the shade, and presumably noticing the ruination of my face. âI had to go to the staff room.'

âActually I'm practising for a play,' I said quickly.

âA tragedy?'

âYes.'

âOh. You're good.' He moved towards me gingerly. âWhat's up?'

âI split up from my boyfriend,' I said, staring at the floor. âI might have ruined my life.'

âOh.'

For a moment he looked slightly disappointed that it was a girly emotional problem, as if he'd hoped I was going to say âmy dad just got eaten by a tiger', which is the kind of thing boys like, and his cute face looked suddenly extremely young.

âI didn't know you had a boyfriend.'

âYou wouldn't know him,' I said, still hiccuping a bit and hoping my face wasn't as dirty as my fingers were from where I'd been rubbing at my mascara.

âI might. What school's he at?'

âHe's not at school.'

âWhy did he dump you?'

âHe didn't,' I said. âI dumped him.'

This was clearly confusing. Let's face it, the least popular girl in school was hardly likely to be chucking boys old enough not to be in school. If it wasn't for the fact that I was hiding in here for my cry, rather than storming about the playground in floods, engulfed in a coterie of secretly jubilant other girls, in time-honoured fashion, I think he might not have believed me at all. Instead, he gruffly patted me on the shoulder.

âWhy are you upset then?'

âBecause you don't just wave goodbye to four years, which nobody around you has the faintest possibility of giving a shit about, without feeling anything at all.' I hiccuped again. âNo, I have to sit and have dinner with my parents, and casually never ever mention the man, who my mother thought was the best thing ever to happen to me, and the
fact that he was about to propose. Jesus.' I realised I was crying again.

Justin sat. âCalm down,' he said, clearly astonished.

âYou have a bloody long-term relationship finish at my age and tell me to calm down!'

He was quiet after that.

âMy brother was asking after you,' he said finally. âDo you have some kind of unbelievable effect on old guys that the rest of us can't see?'

âYour brother isn't old!' I said, still snuffly and not quite right in the head.

âDo you know him?'

âUm, no. But he didn't look that old.'

âHe's ancient! He's sixteen years older than me.'

I swallowed hard. âOh. Oh God, really? Maybe I didn't see him properly.'

âWell, he was certainly looking at you. He asked if you were still working in the Co-op.'

âJust gave it up,' I said.

âYou know, you aren't at all the kind of person I thought you would be,' said Justin. âYou've quite the secret mystery life.'

I had to choke back a hysterical gasp of laughter. âYou have no idea.'

âDo you know where to get drugs and stuff?'

âYes. But I'm not telling you.'

âOh,' he said.

âThey make you very boring,' I said.

âWell, I'm very bored, so I'd take a chance.'

The bell rang. I couldn't get used to the bells at all; I instinctively ignored them. Justin, however, moved like a well-trained dog.

âAre you sure you're OK?'

âMuch better, thanks. Sorry. It's been a tough old day.'

âYeah, breaking up with someone's hard. I broke up with Sonya Heeley, and that was really bad.'

âHow long did you date Sonya Heeley?'

âTwo weeks,' he pouted. âBut that's not what matters, is it?'

âNo,' I said slowly, getting to my feet. âNo, it isn't.' I headed for the top of the stairs.

âUm, I'm kind of having a party on Saturday night,' Justin said suddenly, embarrassed and staring at the ground. âYou can come if you like.'

âUm, yeah, alright,' I said, without thinking. If I was here, I was here. âCan I bring Stanzi?'

âWho?'

âTheâ'

âThe nutty Italian you hang out with.'

âShe's not nutty.'

âShe looks nutty.'

âOK, she's nutty. Can she come or not?'

âSure,' he said. âJust â¦ you know. You're not allowed to bring any of those boy grown-ups you know.'

That won't be a problem,' I said, blinking hard.

My dad's face was like thunder. I didn't even notice when I got back, completely distracted with my own predicament. I walked straight past him.

âFlora Jane Scurrison!'

I slowly turned round. He was furious.

âWe are talking NOW! Your mother's in there, crying her eyes out.'

Mum came to the door. âFlora, darling. What have you been doing?'

âNothing, Mum.'

My mother was looking at me, quivering. Her face was white. âFlora, we know you're not a baby any more, but we really need to have a serious talk about your behaviour. Dad saw that man this morning.'

Oh, for Christ's sake. So much for our sweetshop subterfuge.

âYes, yes,' I said. âDoes it have to be now? Please? Can we have it, but just in a couple of days? Please?'

âSit down!' said my dad. âThis family is going to have a chat together once and for all!'

Suddenly my crappy day and my anger caught fire. âThat's rich coming from you!' I screamed.

There was silence. There was a distinct power imbalance in the room.

âWhat's his name?' my dad went on.

My mother was wearing that unhappy, downtrodden face that I was to get to know so well over the next sixteen years and I couldn't bear it for one minute longer. Nothing could be worse than that. Puce-faced and entirely het up with rage and upset, I let it out.

âI'm amazed you even noticed,' I spat. âYou're never here. How would you know? All you do is shout at Mum. Or ignore her. Or go out. Don't think I don't see what's going on. Don't ask what's his name. What's
hers?'

There was a huge silence. My mother went even paler, if that were possible.

My dad was glaring at me. Within two milliseconds, it became too late for him to splutter out a knee-jerk denial
of something that wasn't true. I noticed his fingers were shaking. I didn't want to make my father's hand shake. Oh God. Was there anything today I couldn't fuck up absolutely completely? We stood in a frozen triangle, staring at each other. I took the only path I could remember. I marched out and slammed the door. As soon as I hit the cooling autumn night, I realised how stupid that was. Red-faced I stuck my head back round the door.

âI'm going out,' I said. âI'm not going to do anything bad, so don't call the police. I'm not going to see a boy, so don't panic.'

And I set off into the night.

A passing car hooted at me as I walked down the road towards Tashy's flat. Oh, thank you, Britney, for making everyone in a uniform fair sexual game. I kicked ferociously at every pile of leaves in my path. Bugger this and bugger everything. Well, I'd pissed on my chips in every conceivable direction. What was left for me â single, aged sixteen, having dumped a man who was prepared to marry me whatever age I was, and off to see my girlfriend preparing for a marriage I'd provoked severe doubts about, whilst watching my parents go through another civil war? One I'd just chucked a bomb into.

How on earth was I going to live in an Audrey Hepburn apartment in New York? Not now. Not ever, probably. I wasn't going to be anyone's muse in Paris.

I tried again to snarl at the moon. It came out as a kind of small growl.

âGrrrr!' I shouted. Quietly.

Just because my age was different. It wasn't going to change a damn thing.

âGRRR!'

Nobody was on the street. Nobody turned round.

âAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!' I yelled suddenly.

âBloody teenagers,' said a woman loudly, passing by with a very large dog and a very small man. âProbably high on drugs.'

âYYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAR-RRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!'

That was better. I could feel my lungs opening up. I was in the world's most ridiculous position. I was hurting pretty much all over. But I could still make a very loud noise.

âAARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

Tashy came running down the garden path. âIs that you making all that noise?'

âNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

âFor goodness' sake, be quiet.'

âYou're sounding more and more like my evil elder sister every day.'

âOoh, get you, Avril Lavigne. What are you shouting for?'

â'Cos everything's fucked up.'

She looked to the side. âAre you on drugs?'

âDo we ever take drugs?'

âNo.'

âSo why would I be taking drugs now as someone who would get immediately caught, killed, arrested or laughed at if I attempted to get my hands on anything?'

âWell, you know what they say about schools these days.'

âThat's right, Tashy, and if you don't let me into the house
right now I'm going to kill you with my Uzi, which I bought from a big kid at the gates with my lunch money, in order to get off my tits on drugs.'

She didn't immediately stand aside to let me pass, though.

âWhat?' I said. âAre you not talking to me? Have we officially fallen out somehow? Please say that's not true. Something awful's just happened at home, andâ'

âIt's not that.'

I could hear voices from inside the house.

âYou've got people over?'

She shrugged.

âIt's OK,' I said, raising my eyes to heaven. âI understand if you don't want to invite a very precocious teenager to your dinner parties.'

âIt's not that. It's just â¦ we were having a bit of a summit.'