The Boy I Loved Before (23 page)

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Authors: Jenny Colgan

BOOK: The Boy I Loved Before

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At any rate that was immaterial at the moment, because sitting on the bed crying his eyes out was Ethan.

âYou've come out,' I said immediately.

Ethan and Justin looked at each other dumbfounded.

âI told you people would understand,' said Justin eventually.

Ethan sniffed and eyed me suspiciously. âWhy were you writing me all that love poetry then if you knew?'

âOften gay people are more sensitive and love the poetic arts,' I said on the spur of the moment. âOf course, that's a terrible overgeneralisation. You can be whatever you want to be.'

I seemed to be handling this about as well as the Mmkay guidance counsellor on
South Park.

âLook,' I said, âI promise it really doesn't matter.'

âScared the life out of him,' said Ethan sullenly.

âHey, man, it was a shock, OK?' Justin looked guilty.

âJustin, if you go through life thinking every gay man you meet is going to fancy you, you're going to be pretty bored,' I said. âNow, are you going to tell your parents?'

Ethan shook his head. âWhat's the point?'

I nodded. âI think,' I said, âyou shouldn't tell anyone until you're a bit older.'

Justin raised his eyebrows.

âThey'll all know,' wailed Ethan.

âWell, that's OK. Here's the thing. School is notoriously homophobic, right?'

He nodded.

âBut you're going to university, right?'

He nodded again.

âNext year?'

âUh-huh.'

âI'd keep shtoom until then. People at university â they
love
gay people. There'll be competitions to see who can be your best friend.'

âReally?'

âAbsolutely. Being gay at university is very, very fashionable.'

âThat can't be true,' said Justin.

âIt's true.'

âHow do you know?'

âOh, everyone knows,' I said with the kind of bored sigh guaranteed to buy the instant agreement of a teenager who's afraid of seeming as if he doesn't know very much.

âBut, you know, I've accepted my true nature.'

âYou can accept all those kickings too,' I said. âI'm just telling you what I'd do under the circumstances. And tell your parents just before you go to college â maybe as you're walking out the door â otherwise they'll be convinced it's just some kind of a phase.'

Ethan was nodding. âIt's going to be really hard.'

âNonsense,' I said. âYou'll have a great time. Just be careful.'

âI'm really scared of â¦ you know, doing it and stuff.'

âWe all are,' I assured him. âDoesn't matter whether you're going for the doughnut or the pork sword.'

They stared at me.

âAnd now I'd like to apologise for that disgusting analogy.'

Justin smiled.

âWell, I'd better get downstairs and back into my double life,' said Ethan with a big sigh. He wiped off his tears in the mirror and reapplied his mascara.

âYou're going to be just fine,' I said, patting him on the back.

âThanks,' said Justin.

I followed the boys downstairs to the kitchen. Fallon was holding court by the fridge.

âOoh, Ethan,' she cooed when she saw him, âcome stand by me, baby. I want to feed you some fruit.'

He did, and she fussed and patted round him.

âOoh, don't stop, darling,' he said.

I wandered into the back garden, to stop myself accidentally kicking her in the tits. Was I old enough to get done for GBH?

The air was heavy with woodsmoke, the residue of a bonfire set up there earlier, which was still crackling away.
Boys were dancing around it at the far end of the garden, swigging heavily from enormous two-litre bottles of cheap cider. Suddenly I felt a touch on my elbow. I turned round. It was Justin.

âThanks again for â¦ in there,' he said gruffly. âI thought he was going to have, like, hysterics or something.'

âYou sound like the general of the army,' I said.

âWhat?'

âNothing. You'll grow out of it.'

He looked at the ground. Then he looked at me, leaning on his arm against a tree. His big grey eyes were appealing to me. He smelled of youth; of cigarettes, cheap beer, cheap aftershave and woodsmoke. It went straight to my head. He blinked nervously.

âFlo â¦' he said. Then he leaned in, looking at me all the time, desperate not to misread the signals, constantly waiting for the confused messages, the outright no, the slap on the face. There was none. Very tentatively, very softly, almost trembling with nerves, he started to kiss me. At first I was shocked, then suddenly found myself desperately wanting to give in to his soft young lips â¦

âFlo,' Justin was saying, gulping, and grabbing at me with increasing strength.

âFLORA!' came a shouting voice. The spell was broken instantly and I jumped back.

âFuck, that's my brother,' said Justin.

âHe's meant to be walking me home,' I said, stuttering, trying to straighten my top.

âI'll walk you home,' said Justin.

âUm, that's OK,' I said, wondering what Clell might say to that particular little arrangement.

âUmmm â¦'

âFLORA!'

âI'd better go,' I said. âI promised my dad.'

Justin kissed me. Then he kissed me again. Then the whole thing started taking off again â¦

âI
have
to go,' I said. âI have to.'

I kissed him absolutely definitely for the last time. Then once or twice more for luck. Then once more for the road. Then I reappeared, breathless, inside the kitchen door.

Clelland was standing there looking annoyed.

âWhere the devil have you been?'

âLooks like someone's been out behind the bushes,' said Fallon, clocking my fevered cheeks and racing breathing.

âI'm ready,' I said.

âDon't forget your hymen!' sang Fallon gaily.

âListen, you useless, anorexic sack of shit,' I said, turning on her suddenly. âYou know how when parents divorce they say it's never the child's fault? Maybe in your case you should re-examine that clause.'

She stepped back as if I'd slapped her. I remembered at the last minute that you never ever diss anyone's parents. Fortunately I'm very mature and in control of myself. Equal psychic scarrings for everyone tonight.

âAre they fighting for anti-custody of who doesn't get you?'

âShut up,' she said. âShut up shut up shut up.'

âWell, stop coming it with me, fat tits.'

âEthan!' she said, her huge eyes wet with tears.

âOh, hi, Flora,' said Ethan. âHave a good night?'

âHey,' I said.

âWatch out for yourself,' he said.

âWHAT?' said Fallon.

I turned round and looked at Clelland. âShall we go?' I said.

âAre those teenagers still fighting?' said Madeleine, coming out from behind the door. âHow terribly fascinating.'

âI'm walking these two home,' said Clelland. He looked next to me. âOh God, where's the other one? She was here a moment ago.'

âStanzi!' I yelled. She appeared, staggering slightly, from the coats cupboard, closely followed by a de-spectacled Kendall, looking stunned. I couldn't help smiling, and, smiling too, Clelland caught my eye.

âRight!' he said. âAll out!'

âUh, Mr Clelland, sir â¦'

We looked at each other again. It was Kendall.

âYes, what is it?' said Clell, in his best exasperated teacher impersonation.

âCan I walk Constanzia home, sir?'

âIs she staying at yours?' Clelland asked me. I nodded. âOK. If she's agreeable, you can walk ten feet in front of us, fully visible at all times.'

âRight, OK, great, thanks, mate,' said Kendall, flustered.

âI just went from “Mr Clelland” to “mate”,' Clell complained to me.

âNext stop, “wanker”!' I said cheerfully.

âConstanzia,' Kendall was clearing his throat, âmight I ask if I can walk you â¦ ?'

Stanzi had already leaped on him like a flying red and black bat and we had to usher them out the door glued to each other.

âHormones,' Clelland said when we were finally out of the house, walking very slowly behind a stumbling, giggling StanziKendallphant. âDrive you crazy at that age â¦ Christ, I keep forgetting. Hang on a minute â¦'

I was scarcely listening, my pulse was racing so fast. I was still having trouble catching my breath. What on
earth
had I just done? âWhat?'

âAre you really thirty-two?'

I couldn't work out why he was asking me. He didn't suspect, surely.

âWhat do you mean, am I thirty-two? Are you thirty-four? Anyway, how would you know? It's not like you ever attend any of my birthday parties.'

This seemed to put him off the scent and we walked in silence for a while. I snuck a sideways peek at him. He looked relatively unruffled, certainly not angry with me. Maybe I'd got away with it.

âWe're walking round the block again!' hollered Stanzi, disengaging suction. We followed.

âI don't think I've ever felt thirty-two,' I said finally. âI think I've always felt like this.'

âHmm,' he said. âMe too, probably. But if everyone behaved like that â¦'

âThere'd be a lot fewer wars.'

âAre you joking? You and that gorgeous dark-haired girl would have let off nuclear weapons at each other by now.'

âOh, yeah,' I said. I hung my head in shame. Could I have behaved any worse than I had tonight? âWell, boys have no idea what it's like at school. You have no idea how nasty people can be.'

âAre you nuts? Don't you remember me getting my head kicked in for wearing Robert Smith-style lipstick?'

âYou were asking for that.'

âThat's unfair.'

âWell, yes, but Tom Philmore kicked your head in, and you were playing football with him the next day.'

âSo?'

âGirls can make this kind of thing last for months. Also, psychological torture's much worse than physical stuff.'

âI'll ask you about that again next time you're about to get your head kicked in.'

We'd reached the gate. Stanzi and Kendall were enmeshed in each other like a science project. I'd almost managed to clear my head of the stolen kiss.

âStanzi, we have to go before my dad comes out,' I said. It was near the witching hour of one a.m.

âYou tell him, I kill you,' she managed to get out without even coming up for air.

Clelland and I hovered for a while.

âSorry I lifted you up in the air,' he said.

âGod, no. It could have got a bit unpleasant in there. Thanks for saving me from a baying acned mob.'

âAnytime,' he said.

âPlus, I bet you liked doing it,' I teased.

âOnly wish I'd thought of it earlier,' he said. I looked at him in the light from the streetlamp. There was a little line between his eyebrows, just the tiniest furrow.

A light went on upstairs in the house.

âNow!' I said to Stanzi, grabbing her. She popped off like a sucker from a car window.

Clelland smiled ruefully. âMind you don't miss your curfew now,' he said.

âHey! I get enough of this shit from Tashy, I refuse to take it from you.'

âOK, OK. Go.'

I looked up at him once again. And he smiled, pulled me over to him and gave me a kiss, right on the forehead.

âGoodnight,' he said softly.

âYou know,' I said, âI'd like to say I had a good time tonight.'

âHurry up!' said Stanzi as the hall light came on. Kendall had already scarpered.