The Boy Who Paints Me (31 page)

"Please, just let them go. I'm the one that you're mad at...kill me." I pleaded.

"No, Rai," Leighton said as he stood up.

"Stand still and shut up! All of you shut up! Shut her up, make her stop crying!" He said to my mom as he pointed the gun towards Aunt Sarah. "I need to talk to Rainie, and I need silence!" He shouted as my mom tried to hush Aunt Sarah as Leighton and I looked at each other helplessly.

"So, now you want me to give you a choice, hmm?" He asked.

I nodded my head unable to even speak. There was silence for a few seconds before he finally began speaking.

"Ok, I'll give you a choice because I'm a fair man, right?"

"Yes," I said, nodding my head vigorously as the fear kicked in even more. 

"Yes, I am, baby," he said as he took hold of my hand and gently turned me around. I felt his head rest on my shoulder and his hot breath before his lips made contact with my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut just waiting for the moment to be over. "I'll give you a choice then, ok?" I nodded my head slowly. "I'll give you the chance to decide which one dies first, before I pick. Fair, right?"

"No, please, Mitch," I begged but my words were barely even audible.

"Your mother or my
 
son? 
You have until the count of three.
"
 He whispered.

"Don't do this-"

"Pick."

"Please, Mitch...please," I begged as I felt my legs turn to jelly. I felt sick as the feeling of his hand holding me up registered in my brain.

"One-"

"Mitch please-"

"Two," his counting was getting louder.

"I am begging you, I will do anything, just please, don't do this," I said as I started panicking as I stared at my mom and Leighton. How could I pick? How could I choose if someone should live or
die? I stared down at the woman that had brought all of this pain into my life and still I couldn't hate her, no matter what I did. I was so angry with myself. I glanced down at her stomach and thought about the child that deserved a chance to live. Then I looked down at Leighton, the only man that I have ever loved. He had taught me so much in the short space of time that I had known him, things that I would never ever forget...I couldn't lose him.

"Mitch-"

"Time's up, three..."

Before I had the chance to even say a word, I heard the sound of the gun go off and my entire world change in a matter of seconds....

Epilogue (1 Year Later)

I had been thinking about today, everyday for the past week and I was not looking forward to it. A year ago today, my life had changed...everyone's life had changed. Sometimes I wonder if I should have ever come here to my aunt's or just kept running then I remember the beautiful little girl that I am holding in my arms and know that if I didn't then I probably wouldn't have her.

"Rainie are you ready yet?" Aunt Sarah called from downstairs.

"Yeah, I'm just packing up Lilly's bag, I'll be down in five," I said as I checked the contents of the bag for the fifth time.

"Ok, hurry, you know how strict they are on timing, we can't afford to be late."

"Ok."

I didn't enjoy taking Lilly on these visits but I knew that it was the right thing to do. Part of me knew that one day she would need to know that I let her do this. She may only be seven months old now but she won't be forever, one day she's going to be old enough to ask questions and somehow, I need to have the answers ready.

"Aww look at my baby," Aunt Sarah cooed as I walked down the stairs with Lilly in one arm and the bag in the other.

"Yeah, I swear she weighs more than she did yesterday," I chuckled as the weight of her started to cause my arm to hurt. "Here you go," I said to Aunt Sarah as I gently handed her over.

"Awww, come to Auntie Sarah, my little angel. Aren't you just beautiful? You're not heavy; mommy's just weak, isn't she. Tell mommy...say you're weak mommy," she giggled as I just rolled my eyes and smiled to myself.

"Give it five minutes and you'll be changing your mind when you lose the feeling in your arm," I chuckled as I stepped outside to put Lilly's bag in the trunk of Aunt Sarah's car.

"Oh, sweetie, Megan called earlier; she wanted to know if you were still on for tomorrow."

"Oh, yeah, I'll call her later," I replied before closing the trunk and turning to face her.

"Right, shall we get you strapped in, baby?" I said in a baby voice as Aunt Sarah handed Lilly to me.

We were both putting on brave faces today, pretending that everything was ok but I knew that we were both thinking the same thing. A year ago today we were stuck in that barn and it was the worst day of my life. Aunt Sarah may be fine now but I catch her sometimes, looking in the mirror at the bullet wound in her side and just crying. I wish that I could take it all back, so that it never even happened but I can't.

My attention is taken away from my thoughts as I catch the glimpse of a figure out the corner of my eye. It's Leighton's grandma. She's been wearing the same heartbroken expression for the past year and it breaks my heart every time that I see her. Her loss was...too much. 

I smiled at her when she caught my eye and watched as she waved at me before
disappearing back into her safe haven.

"Hey, come on sweetie, not today, ok?" Aunt Sarah whispered as she rested her hand gently on my back. She was looking at me with understanding and silently guided me into the passenger seat of the car. I
strapped myself in, took a deep breath and prepared myself for the journey.

My heart tightened and my breathing hitched as we drove past the grave yard. I knew where he was and acknowledging it made everything too real, and I wasn't ready for real...not yet.

"Hey," Aunt Sarah whispered as she glanced at me, "remember, you need to stay strong for her, ok?" She said as she glanced back at Lilly.

My eyes drifted to her beautiful little face. She was fast asleep and looked like an angel. My heart always did a funny little dance whenever I looked at her. I loved her unconditionally and Aunt Sarah was right, if I couldn't be strong for me then it had to be for her.

* * *

We had finally arrived, and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach going crazy. This wasn't the first time that I had been here but it still didn't get any easier. I always felt nervous like somebody would think that I had done something wrong or think that I was guilty of some crime. I did lie...I guess that is a crime.

"I'm sorry that I can't come in with you...I'm just...I'm not ready," Aunt Sarah said softly as she held onto my hand.

"I know...I understand. I only do it for her," I said as I glanced back at Lilly.

"Ready?"

I nodded my head before stepping out of the car and taking a deep breath. I quietly slipped Lilly out of the car seat, kissed Aunt Sarah goodbye and started the dreaded journey. Lilly was stirring in my
arms; it was as if she could sense what was happening or where we were. Maybe she could...I stared at the building for a good five minutes before making a move. After taking a deep breath, I began the journey.

My mind drifted off as I went through the same procedure that I had the past six times that I had been here. The idea of having strange hands searching you and eyes that made you feel like a criminal was horrible. I hated this. Dogs sniffing me for drugs, hands searching me for weapons and eyes watching me for lies. I didn't want to be here, and I didn't want to bring Lilly here but I had to...it was the right thing to do.

When the torture was finally over, I was released into the same room that I had been in last month. I didn't want to be here anymore now than I did then...

I spotted her instantly;
she was staring at us as though we were UFOs, or something that she had never seen before. I wasn't yet used to that look in her eyes again, it was how she used to look at me, before...before everything. I wasn't ready to accept her love so willingly, not yet...maybe not ever...

I took careful steps towards her, holding on to Lilly even tighter. I wanted to protect her...to shield her from this woman who had destroyed my life.

"Rain," she breathed as the tears started to slip down her pale cheeks.

"Rainie," I corrected.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, it takes some getting used to," she gulped nervously as she stared at me. I couldn't look at her, not properly. I couldn't accept that she was sat across from me like this...like everything was fine. "How are you?" She whispered.

"I'm fine."

"How's your aun-"

"This is about Lilly, not me, not Aunt Sarah, not you...just Lilly. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't," I tried to keep a straight face but my heart was breaking. This woman sat across from me who now claimed that she wanted to give me love, wanted to right her wrongs just seemed like an illusion. I wasn't ready to accept that she had changed or that she was capable of telling the truth anymore. She damaged me, and I haven't even begun to fully repair yet, and I wasn't ready to let her in.

"Sorry. She's beautiful. Could I?" She gestured towards Lilly.

I took a deep breath before nodding my head and slowly handing Lilly over to her.
 

"Thank you. Oh, gosh you are so beautiful, and you've come all this way to visit...Nanny," she cooed as I closed my eyes. I couldn't watch because it wasn't natural...this was how she was supposed to have been...it was just...it was too late. "So, how is she doing?"

"She's fine."

"Good, and what about you? Are you coping ok, with her, I mean?"

I let out a humorless laugh at her ridiculous comment. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that...I shouldn't have asked," she added very quickly.

"No, you shouldn't have. Right, you've seen her now, it's time to go," I said as I stood to my feet and held out my hands for Lilly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you-"

"You didn't, you saw her, and now it's time to go. I did as you asked."

"It isn't just her that I want to see, it's you as well-"

"Please, just don't, ok? Don't," I said as I tried to hold back the tears that were trying to escape my eyes.

"Sorry," she whispered as she stood to her feet and handed Lilly back to me. I clutched onto her as though she were my lifeline. "You will bring her back, won't you?" She whispered helplessly as I turned away from her.

"Once a month we agreed, have I let you down so far?" I asked without looking at her. I knew that she was aware of my sentence's double meaning.

"No, never," she whispered.

"Exactly."

I walked towards the door but turned to face her before I left. I looked down at my mom sat there, trapped with her head in her hands and her shoulders shaking. I was mad, I was hurt, I was ashamed and disappointed but I loved her. I tried not to...I did everything not to but I did and as I stood there and watched her crying into her hands, my heart broke just a little bit more.

"Mom," her head shot up in shock. "Same time next month, ok?"

"Ok," she said as she smiled weakly. I didn't
smile; I just walked through the door as quickly as I could. When I finally got back outside, I broke down crying. I heard Lilly crying and I tried to calm her down but it was impossible because I was in a state of despair. As I turned around to look back at the huge grey prison building that kept my mother captive, my mind drifted back to a year ago...to the day that changed everything...

My world stopped as soon as the word 'three' left Mitch's mouth. I knew that from the sound of his voice that he was serious. He wasn't joking...this wasn't a game. I stared at Leighton's face and saw the fear spread across it.

The sound of the gun pierced my ears. I felt the warm splats of blood cover my face in an instance. I heard my mom's high pitched screams as she looked at the scene before her but I was frozen. I couldn't comprehend what was happening because it was surreal. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, and I couldn't move. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks but that was it, the rest of my body had become a statue...trapped inside a realm of despair.

It suddenly hit me that I was covered in his blood. I couldn't see it but I could feel it all over me. I was consumed, it was on my face, my neck, my clothes, my hands...it was everywhere. As that realisation hit me, I screamed. Not a quiet scream but
an ear piercing scream that was enough to break glass. I felt my own hands all over my body trying to wipe it away, to get it off but it was no use. The more I wiped, the more it spread, and I was losing controlling. I felt a pair of hands clasp my wrists, stopping me from moving.

"Rain, Rainie! Stop! You need to calm down," it was my mom. She was stood in front of me with tears rolling down her eyes, trying to calm me down. I don't know whether it was the shock, the fear or the fact that I thought that she was the one that Mitch was going to shot but my arms instantly wrapped around her. I held onto her like she was my lifeline, like I needed her to survive. I clutched her like a baby does
its mother...needing her.