The Boyfriend Sessions (5 page)

“Is it the weekend yet?” Cate wailed.

It was Thursday night and I was home with Cate. She looked unusually frazzled and stared with serious intent at our wine rack.

“That bad, huh?”

Cate finally settled on a full-bodied Shiraz from the Barossa. It must have been a tough week. Her tastes usually leaned more toward white wines so, when she went for the reds, you knew she was in a dark mood.

Only once she’d poured herself a glass and savored a long sip did she turn her attention to me. “Complete train wreck of a week,” she revealed. “My clients are all being lazy. I’ve been chasing them for months for their paperwork and now three of them have finally got me what we need and they expect us to turn it around before deadline, which is, oh, only a week and a half away.”

The concept of accounting always made me feel slightly uneasy. All those spreadsheets, rules, and money. I had no idea how Cate spent her days organizing other people’s business taxes. I’d die first.

“Added to that,” she continued, “Penny is still being an absolute cow. I tell you, I never would have dreamed of behaving like that two years out of university, but they always seem to get away with it.”

It was a frequent refrain. The young recruits, fresh out of university, who expected everything to just fall into their lap with minimal effort.

“God, we must be getting old,” she mused. “I’ve been doing too much of this ‘not in my day’ crap lately.”

“You’re only twenty-eight, Cate, relax.”

“I know! But you wouldn’t believe how many of these young ones are in long-term relationships. At least three of them are engaged already. I’m well on my way to being partner and I swear half the reason the partners think I’m a good bet is because I’m single and not likely to fall pregnant anytime soon.”

The door buzzer prevented her lamentations going on any longer. It was always hard to get through to her when she was in a mood like this. For all her success at work, she was deeply family orientated and would like nothing more than to settle down with the right guy and start a family.

I always felt slightly out of my depth when required to offer reassurances that life would turn out the way it was supposed to. In my experience, that wasn’t the case. When I was fourteen, the age where you’re only vaguely aware your parents are in fact human, I was forced to come to terms with the unpredictability of life. I came home earlier than expected one afternoon—I’d skipped math class—to find my mum at home in bed with another man.

His name was John and he lived several houses up the road. Apparently their affair had been going on for some time, because after Mum worked up the courage to tell my dad, she confessed she wanted a divorce. She married John a year later and they’ve been together ever since.

A vision of my dad came to mind and along with it the familiar mixture of guilt and sadness. I did my best to push it away gently and blinked as Maddy, Scarlett, and Max bustled in through the front door, shocking me out of my reverie.

Max? What on earth was he doing here?

This was supposed to be my first ‘boyfriend breakdown’ session and there was no way I was going to talk about the private details of my love life with him listening in.

I elbowed Cate sharply when she came back into what I now wished wasn’t an open-plan kitchen. “What’s Max doing here?” I hissed.

She looked surprised. “I asked him to come and fix my laptop and it worked out perfectly because he gave Maddy and Scarlett a lift here after work.”

I’d caught the train home earlier, but Maddy had been held up in the city at a client meeting near Scarlett’s office.

“But aren’t we discussing my exes tonight?” I plastered a big smile on my face and waved at them from the kitchen.

“Yes, that’s the plan.” Cate gave me a funny look.

“Well, I’m not doing it with him here. Wine anyone?” I called out, casually.

They all nodded in the affirmative, so I turned to get some more wine glasses from the cupboard.

“But why?” Cate asked. “You’ve known him forever. I don’t see how it makes any difference—”

“Because he’s a guy, stupid!” I twirled around to confront her, wine glasses in hand, only to find myself staring at Max’s chest.

“Problem?” he asked innocently.

To my annoyance, Cate giggled. “Christa’s just nervous about tonight, that’s all.”

He looked confused. “I didn’t realize fixing laptops was such a big deal.”

Cate waved a hand at him. “No, not that. It’s her first ‘boyfriend analysis’ session.”

I could have killed her. I must have paled considerably, because Max was looking back and forth between us, an interested grin curling the corners of his mouth.

Cate pushed a glass of red into his hand. “We’ve sworn her off men for six months and we’re going to analyze each of her past relationships so we can get to the root of the problem.” She went bright pink. “Oh
my God
, no pun intended!”

Max laughed loudly, a hearty sound that made my stomach flip. He turned to stare at me intently. “And what do you think the root of the problem is?”

My paleness was replaced with an unpleasant burning sensation and I realized with increasing horror my face was now bright red.

“She’s addicted to men.” Scarlett’s dry tone interrupted our conversation from the doorway. She was smiling. I glared at her.

Max glanced at Scarlett, then back to me, his eyebrows raised in undisguised interest. “Addicted … as in a sex addiction?”

His question was far too hopeful and I finally managed to find my voice. “No, that’s Scarlett,” I told him, grabbing my wine and marching from the kitchen.

Out on the balcony the fresh evening breeze went a long way toward calming me down and returning my cheeks to a more natural color. I could hear them laughing inside about something, possibly me, and I took a sip of my wine to distract myself. God, we hadn’t even done my first session and it was already turning into a nightmare.

Cate came out to join me in the fresh air, her expression earnest. “I’m sorry, Christa, if I’d known it would be a problem, I would have suggested another night.”

I leaned over and gave her a quick squeeze. I found it impossible to stay mad at her because she only ever had good intentions—it was the main reason we’d been able to live together for so long without any major hiccups.

“You’re probably right,” I admitted, with a brief sigh. “It is only Max. I guess I’ve been caught unawares by the change in him, that’s all.”

“He is kind of gorgeous isn’t he?” she agreed, with a wicked grin.

“Thank God it’s not just me!” I threw up my hands in relief. “When I mentioned as much to Maddy, she practically bit my head off and reminded me of our agreement.”

“You’ve got to admit your willpower isn’t all that great when it comes to men.”

“Yes, you’ve brought that to my attention.”

“Plus, he’s her brother.”

“That too.”

“Still doesn’t change the fact that he’s hot.” She had a far off look in her eyes.

I laughed softly. “Maybe it isn’t me that Maddy should be worried about … ”

“What shouldn’t I be worried about?” Maddy’s voice was suspicious as she came to stand at the entrance to the balcony.

Cate swallowed quickly and gave her an innocent look. “Nothing, as it turns out. I was just convincing Christa that she needn’t be worried about a man in the house while we discuss her exes.”

“Who? Max?” Maddy waved a dismissive hand at us. “He doesn’t count.”

“Who doesn’t count?” Max had now joined us and I felt like we were having our conversation in one of those revolving doors.

“You don’t, because you’re only here to fix Cate’s computer,” Maddy told him briskly. “Which is where exactly, Cate? Why don’t you set Max up so we can get on with things?”

Everyone was used to Maddy organizing and we did as she instructed. A vague sense of unease at what was to come formed in the base of my stomach as we ordered Thai for dinner and arranged ourselves around the coffee table in the lounge room to wait for it.

“Right,” Maddy began. “I figured it makes the most sense to start at the beginning. This is going to be a bit of a stretch memory-wise, Christa, so just do your best. I can help with some details as I was around at the time. You girls,” she said, waving a hand at Scarlett and Cate, “might learn something new and interesting about our friend here.”

An unexpected shiver ran down my spine. “You’re talking about Matt, aren’t you?”

“The one and only. And to help you get in the mood, I thought this might jog your memory.” She stood, walked over to our iPod dock and pressed play. I should have known she’d be prepared.

Before I could brace myself, the powerful, bittersweet strains of Alicia Keys singing
Fallin
filled the room. Shocked, I closed my eyes and let the song wash over me. My friends had the good sense to remain quiet.

I felt the last twelve years drop away effortlessly. I was sixteen again, on my back deck, sobbing softly in Maddy’s arms. I opened my eyes and met Maddy’s gaze. The hurt was long gone, but the support she’d offered me then and in the years since had never wavered. Reading my mind, she reached over and gripped my hand tightly. Hand in hand, we let the song play to the last poignant violin strains and sat silent for a minute.

Finally Scarlett broke the silence. “Man, that woman can sing.”

“That song gives me chills,” Cate agreed, looking at me, her blue eyes filled with concern.

I let out an easy laugh. “I’m fine,” I reassured them. “That was my recovery song, although looking back I’d say it was overly dramatic.”

“Christa completely banned me from playing it around her for about five years,” Maddy told them.

“So who was Matt?” Cate asked, gently.

I sighed. “Matt was my first.”

You couldn’t help but notice Matt. All the girls at school did.

He had the sort of charm that was completely effortless, and people—boys and girls—gravitated toward him. Matt had the effect of making anyone feel they were a friend, even if the association was only passing.

I had of course noticed him, but only ever with the sort of distant admiration that was reserved for someone you knew you could never have. Until the night of the semi-formal. He was a year ahead of me at school and one of the popular girls had invited him as her date for the evening. To our surprise, this girl was more interested in one of his friends, so Matt had spent the night mingling.

When the dancing started, he confidently and easily had his pick of the girls on the dance floor. He didn’t stay in one location for long and I wasn’t exactly shocked when he came our way and started dancing with Maddy. She was stunning of course, and any guy in his right mind couldn’t help noticing her. Despite the attention, that night Maddy wasn’t interested. She was still extremely shy around boys, so she danced politely with Matt for a song and then excused herself.

Which left Matt standing next to me. If he was disappointed, he didn’t show it. To my disbelief, we ended up dancing for the next five or so songs. Then, when he grabbed my hand and pulled me off the dance floor into the clear spring evening, I was flattered and nervous.

Outside he offered me a cigarette, which I took gratefully, relieved to have something to do with my hands.

“You’re a good dancer,” he said, studying me as though he had only just noticed me for the first time.

I hadn’t known what to say. “So are you,” I replied, awkwardly.

Despite all his charm, I guess teenage boys aren’t much for foreplay and he leaned down and placed his lips on mine.

Tragically, I’ll admit I was smitten by that first kiss. His lips were so soft and he seemed to know exactly what he was doing—it was only later I’d reflect more fully on that fact.

He was tall, with sun-kissed blond hair that was long in the front so that he had to continually keep brushing it from his eyes. He was good at sports, and while he hadn’t entirely outgrown that teenage lankiness, he was built. A teenage girl’s dream and he was interested in me.

“And everyone else as it turned out,” Maddy interjected dryly.

“Oh no,” Cate cried, as if it hadn’t occurred years ago. “What happened?”

I grinned wryly. It may have ended badly, but being with Matt hadn’t been all bad.

He was a surprisingly good listener for a seventeen-year-old boy. My parents’ divorce had just been finalized and Dad had moved out. I was crushed. I’d wanted to live with him and was still having a hard time getting along with my mum after her infidelity. At that point, Dad was a pilot and was away a lot, so the most practical solution had been for him to move out and leave me living with Mum.

Matt listened to my emotional turmoil and was really good at distracting me. Suddenly I was going out to parties with him every weekend and it was the perfect revenge to get back at my mother. She could see Matt was, shall we say, more advanced in the relationship department, so was naturally worried. I didn’t bother to heed her warnings. I was a teenage girl and I was still too bitter.

We dated for a few months before I lost my virginity to him. It was obvious I wasn’t his first but, looking back, that was probably a good thing as he was surprisingly gentle and adept. Things were pretty good for the next couple of months. We took every chance we could to be alone and he seemed eager to return my desire, which was a confidence booster for a damaged sixteen-year-old girl.

We had the most divine summer together. I’ll never forget time spent at the beach, sneaking in late after numerous parties and driving with him in his car, which my mum disliked because he’d only just gotten his license.

I was amazed that he seemed to be talking to me about our relationship long term. He was confiding in me about his plans for university and how he felt pressured by his parents to do a course he didn’t want to. They wanted him to do a Business degree, but he’d always wanted to pursue architecture.

The beginning of the school year was when it started to go wrong. He was in his final year and the pressure was getting to him. At the time, I deeply resented his parents getting involved, but looking back now I realize how difficult it must have been for them.

I was a constant distraction and they could see his focus was suffering. They were also worried about him being serious with a girl when he was so young. So they started putting pressure on him to stop seeing me and giving him ultimatums about his study.

We started fighting. I’m sure he felt torn and guilty—he was a high achiever and something of a people pleaser—and we started seeing each other less and less.

Then there was a big party for one of his friend’s eighteenth. We argued about it and he told me he was banned from going. I was really disappointed as a lot of other girls I knew from my year were attending, despite not yet being eighteen.

On the night, I decided to go anyway. Maddy wasn’t allowed to attend either, but I managed to sneak out and hitch a ride with some other girls—as usual, I didn’t care what my mum thought.

The party was packed when we arrived and it must have been over an hour before I went downstairs to the rumpus area, where the drinks were being served. Despite my desperation to rebel, I still wasn’t much of a drinker, which is why it took me so long to go down there.

At first I wasn’t certain it was him, it was so dark, but as I came closer the scene before me was unmistakable. His long frame was entangled with Sophie’s, one hand behind her head and the other somewhere it shouldn’t have been.

I remember hearing one of his friends calling out Matt’s name in alarm. They’d seen me and were trying to warn him, loyal friends that they were.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget his piercing blue eyes as he met mine. At first they were filled with shock and disbelief, then I like to think I recognized regret mixed with guilt.

I didn’t stick around to find out.

I bolted from the room and ran away as fast as I could. At first I could hear his voice calling out behind me, but the desperation to escape was so strong that I must have run at least a kilometer before I stopped in the cover of some trees and cried my eyes out.

“That’s when I called Maddy,” I concluded. “She’s always there for me.”

“I remember,” she said softly.

“I remember, too.”

At the sound of Max’s voice, we all turned toward the dining room table. I’d completely forgotten he was still there, which was just as well, as I wouldn’t have been able to relay the story if I’d been worried about his presence.

Maddy nodded. “We came to pick you up, remember?”

“It was you and your dad, wasn’t it?” I was confused.

“No, it was definitely me,” Max corrected. “You were in a pretty bad state, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t remember.”

“Dad was away on business,” Maddy confirmed, “so I begged Max to do me a favor. You were really upset, I’m not sure you cared much at that point who was driving.”

I swallowed and ran a hand through my curls. I gave Max an apologetic look. “Thanks. Sorry it’s taken me so long to say so.”

He shrugged. “The guy was a bastard.”

I stiffened, surprised by his gruff tone. He was speaking the truth, but I felt like I was probably the one most qualified to make that assessment. “Did you know him?”

“In passing, but I know his type.”

“What type’s that?” Cate was clearly interested in a male opinion and, I had to admit, so was I.

Max didn’t answer immediately. He unfolded his tall frame from behind the dining table where he’d been working on Cate’s laptop and came to sit next to Maddy on the edge of the lounge.

“Women come easy to guys like that. I’m not saying he didn’t care for you,” he added quickly, “but I wouldn’t rate him a good long term investment, if you know what I mean.”

It was true. With distance I could recognize that Matt had cared for me, probably more than a lot of other girls during that time, but it still didn’t change the fact that he was unfaithful. It was the ultimate betrayal and at the time I was crushed. “I still hadn’t gotten over my mum’s affair, so when he did that to me I was convinced for a long time that I couldn’t trust anyone. Except for Maddy of course.”

“Did you see him again?” Scarlett asked, her expression dark.

I laughed wryly. “We went to the same school. Fortunately we didn’t have any classes together because he was in the year above me, but he was always around. Not long after he took me aside and tried to explain. He even seemed remorseful, but I wouldn’t listen. In my mind, we were done, end of story. A few of his friends told me he was really broken up over it, but I guess he should have thought about that beforehand.”

“Prick,” Scarlett agreed, as though we were still teenagers, and I gave her a wink.

Our buzzer signaled the arrival of our Thai food, so we took a break in proceedings to serve it up. We sat eating for a while, until Maddy grabbed her iPad from the floor next to her.

“Right, then. What would you say were the positives of the relationship?”

“We’re really doing this?” It felt like a lifetime ago to me now. Perhaps I still carried the hurt with me somewhere, but it was something I rarely thought about a decade later.

Maddy didn’t answer, just looked at me seriously.

“Alright. For a while at least, Matt made me feel desired and attractive. It was quite a powerful revelation for me at that time.”

“What else?”

“It gave me a pretty good first taste of sex,” I admitted, careful not to look at Max.

“Well, that’s one thing at least.” Scarlett seemed satisfied with that response. “Was he attentive?”

I cleared my throat. “For a teenage boy, yes, he was.”

“I wish,” Cate said with a groan. “My first few boyfriends had no idea and it was tragic.”

“If I can just take one for the team here,” Max interrupted. “In general, we like to try and please and sometimes it can help if the girl takes an active role.”

“I wasn’t lying back and thinking of England, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” Cate told him, with surprising candor. “I swear these guys had
no
idea, if you get my meaning.”

“The clitoris doesn’t require a secret code. You could have shown them,” Max replied helpfully.

I choked on my wine. Max was obviously extremely relaxed with the topic of conversation.

Cate reddened. “Yes, but … ”

“But?” Max crossed his arms, awaiting her explanation.

“I’m not sure
I
really knew what it was at that point!” Cate revealed with an embarrassed giggle. “I needed someone more like Matt to help me.”

“Bullshit. You girls need to take charge of your own pleasure and stop relying on us to sweep you away.”

“Hear, hear,” Scarlett cheered.

Maddy cleared her throat uncomfortably. “As interesting as this is, you’re my brother and this is disturbing me. So moving on … Christa, what were the negatives of your relationship with Matt?”

“Being cheated on, obviously. Aside from that, I realize now I always felt insecure when I was with him, like I was never good enough.”

“Well, that’s rubbish,” Scarlett said between mouthfuls of pad thai.

“Yes, well I can see that now, but back then I couldn’t.”

“Guys like that are always trying to make up for something,” Max said.

“If you’re implying he had size issues,” I answered, a little awkwardly, “it’s been a while, but I don’t recall that being the case.”

“I didn’t mean literally. You suggested he was a people pleaser, so chances are it was all about the attention and making himself appear perfect. When things got difficult and you didn’t fit into that picture anymore, he moved on.”

I’d never thought of it quite that way before.
Ouch
. “It would have been nice if he’d broken it off with me before he moved on … ”

Max shrugged, but it wasn’t uncaring. “Don’t forget you got something out of it too. He was your escape during a particularly troubled time in your life, when you were still learning who you were and developing your self-confidence. I’m guessing you’re not the first to have fallen for the ‘popular boy showing interest in me’ routine. Just a shame he had to break your heart in the process.”

His insights were a little too spot on. “Where were you when I needed your advice?” I joked.

I registered a flicker of discomfort cross his face. Huh, maybe he didn’t want to be reminded about his awkward teenage years either. That made two of us.

Maddy still typed conscientiously on her iPad. “I’d suggest this first experience also created trust issues for future relationships.”

“You think?” My voice dripped with sarcasm.

“I’d say the trust issues started with your mum,” Max said quietly.

Rattled, I took a long gulp of my wine. It was funny how we could be sitting here talking about a relationship that was ancient history and it didn’t really bother me in the slightest, yet at the mention of my mum and dad’s divorce, I became uncomfortable.

I distracted myself by serving up more noodles. Maybe going to a professional counsellor would be better than this? Handing over money to a complete stranger might be less painful than revealing my love life to my friends, particularly when it started moving into the territory of my family life.

“I think it’s safe to say the tragic love story of Matt and I is in the past and should remain that way, as is my parents’ divorce,” I concluded, looking pointedly at Max. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat before I looked away.

“Not when we’ve got the likes of Grant Giggles or Handy Hamish to relive … ” I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or angry at Cate so obviously trying to lighten the mood. I felt myself redden slightly.

“Grant Giggles?” Max asked carefully. He was trying very hard not to grin, but failing.