The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (24 page)

Lesson #9: Use brain sex tricks to optimize your love life
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MAKE IT LAST, MAKE IT UNFORGETTABLE

Embedding Your self in Your Partner’s Memory

“It is not the number of breaths you take that matter, but the moments that take your breath away.”

—BUDDHIST WISDOM

T
he brain works through association. It has massive memory banks that tie together every idea, thought, feeling, action, image, smell, touch, taste, and sound. Every moment we are alive we are a combination of our present state and past memories put together. Every moment you are together with your partner, and many moments throughout the day when you are apart, you are embedding yourself in your partner’s memory circuits. If you want to be a positive force in your partner’s brain, it is important to plant the seeds of excitement, happiness, novelty, and joy, rather than boredom, anger, or insecurity. In this chapter I’ll discuss twelve brainy ways to embed yourself into your partner’s brain to make love last and to make yourself unforgettable.

A word of caution: Do these things only if you are sincere and want an emotional and neurochemical attachment to the other person. When people get tightly bonded to others, which likely will happen if you follow the suggestions below, it is very hard for
them to separate or break up with their loved one. Relationship breakdowns are horrible when bits of the other person are stored in every fun part of your brain. The grieving process can be very hard on your immune system. People are known to become sick and even die when an intense relationship ends. Giving someone hundreds of cards and then abandoning him or her is cruel and likely to cause a person to feel depressed, obsessed, and perhaps even to set up stalking behavior. If you are going to connect yourself to others, be serious. Otherwise, get a dog, get a hooker, or get a vibrator.

Twelve Ways to Make Your Love Unforgettable

1. Take your partner’s breath away. Do something amazingly thoughtful and out of the ordinary. These events solidify you in the person’s limbic brain. A close friend was dating a new woman. On his birthday, his girlfriend gave him birthday cards signed by all four of his siblings and his ten cousins. He was stunned by the thoughtfulness of the gesture. Not only was it unique, it showed that she thought about him and planned something special weeks ahead of time. Her thoughtfulness was embedded in his memory.

Once I gave a beautiful flower arrangement to my sweetheart. I knew it would be special, because five women who saw the arrangement at the store asked if I would be their boyfriend. Flowers are one of the best brain gifts. The scent helps to soothe and activate the limbic brain. The smells last for days and they have no calories to make someone fat. My sweetheart was grateful for weeks. Along the same lines, once I received a huge flower arrangement from a woman I was dating. It so surprised me that it embedded her kindness in my heart for a long time. Men love getting flowers, too.

The thoughtfulness does not have to be about money. It means the most when it is about the time spent and forethought that goes into making it happen. In a similar vein, writing poetry or making someone a sentimental CD can also be very special.

Taking someone’s breath away involves surprise, in a wonderful way, even if it is a small gesture of love. You can also teach your partner how you want to be surprised. If you like chocolate, tell him to hide some around the house in creative places so that you can find them throughout the day and think of him. If you like flowers, tell him or her to send them on occasion.

I have a friend who surprised her husband by showing up at his office in a trench coat, with nothing on underneath except fishnet stockings and sexy shoes. This was so much fun for both of them. Another wonderful little surprise is to leave notes in pockets so that he or she can find them throughout the day. Another idea is to pick up your partner from work for a surprise gourmet lunch in a beautiful park. Find out what makes your partner tick and then find a way to tie it into your little plot to bring more joy and pleasure into his or her world.

2. Do something special on a regular basis. One of the best ways to make yourself unforgettable is to do things for your partner on a regular basis. Make his or her nervous system expect your call, want to hear your voice, miss your touch or the look into your eyes. Giving someone greeting cards, paper cards, or e-cards on a regular basis is a wonderful way to stay connected. Being your partner’s first call in the morning and last call at night helps to solidify you in his or her neural networks. Many greeting card companies and florists have programs to remind you on a regular basis to send something special. It is the reinforcement of thoughtfulness that makes a difference.

3. Do something special on an intermittent or unpredictable basis. This may even be more powerful than doing something regularly. Sometimes, when we do something on a regular schedule, people come to expect it and it loses its power, sort of like living at the beach and seeing sunsets every night. They tend, for some (not me), to lose their special nature. There is a concept in “learning theory” called intermittent reinforcement. It is one of the most powerful learning tools known. Here, the reinforcers, such as
flowers, are not sent on a regular schedule, but rather on an irregular one, such as once or twice a month. The trick is to make it unpredictable and unexpected.

4. Frequent, loving eye contact (some cultures call it eye gazing) is an especially powerful connection tool for bonding. Eye contact enhances intimacy. No eye contact decreases bonding and connectedness. New York psychologist Professor Arthur Arun has been studying the dynamics of what happens when people fall in love. He has shown that the simple act of staring into each other’s eyes has a powerful impact. He asked two strangers to reveal intimate details about their lives to each other. They did this for an hour and a half. The two strangers were then made to stare into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes. Afterward, many of his couples confessed to feeling deeply attracted to their opposite number, and two of his subjects even married later. When we are aroused and interested in what we are looking at, our pupils dilate. In medieval Italy, women put the chemical belladonna (literally meaning “beautiful lady”) into their eyes to make their pupils look bigger. However, this is not recommended, as belladonna can be poisonous and eventually leads to blindness. It is better and safer to stick to eyeliner and mascara.

5. Learn what pleases your partner sexually. Their pleasure should be your pleasure, if you want to make your love life unforgettable. Gain skill in the things that make him or her happy, in what turns him or her on, in what brings joy. Making this a priority will give you many, many dividends. Think of it as a class (yes, there should be tests) on the ins and outs of your partner. This is one of the best ways to keep the relationship young and happy. As part of the class, you need to know all about pleasing your partner. It shouldn’t be a mystery or only talked about when you feel frustrated. It is time for a great collaboration. Here is one exercise I use with couples. Do it on each other. I like to have couples show the other person what they like. Make it a kinesthetic exercise. Show your partner how you like to have your ears kissed, by kissing
her ears the way you would like to be kissed. Show your partner how you like your back being rubbed by rubbing his back the way you like.

Many couples are embarrassed to ask for what they want and what they like. Your partner is probably
not
good at reading your mind. Tell him or her what turns you on. Go into detail. Have your partner practice on you. Try this exercise by filling out the following form and working through each question with your partner.

 1. I like it when you___with my hair.

 2. I like it when you___with my ears.

 3. I like it when you___with my eyes.

 4. I like it when you___with my nose.

 5. I like it when you___with my neck.

 6. I like it when you___with my upper back.

 7. I like it when you___with my lower back.

 8. I like it when you___with my breast/chest.

 9. I like it when you___with my belly.

10. I like it when you___with my genitals.

11. I like it when you___with my butt.

13. I like it when you___with my thighs.

14. I like it when you___with my lower legs.

15. I like it when you___with my feet.

6. Teach your partner what you like. Most people get joy by pleasing others. Be an expert communicator by sharing your wants and desires. The brain loves the sounds of excitement. Make sure when your partner is pleasing you that you let him or her know.

When Dr. Irwin Goldstein, an expert in sexual medicine, presented recent research findings to a scientific meeting, he said: “It is rare for me to stand in front of an audience and say, ‘This is a manuscript that has changed my life.’ But this one has done that.” The study, published in the
Journal of Sexual Medicine
, seemed obvious. The results showed that females in committed relationships with men who were treated with an impotence drug (Levitra)
had better sex. But, the women didn’t just like sex better, they liked it better because their bodies worked better. Lubrication was better. Orgasms were more intense. They lusted more. The women’s bodies reacted as if
they
were receiving the drug. So a drug they didn’t even take affected their bodies. “Her physiology is linked to him,” Goldstein says. “Men share problems with women, and the solutions. … It totally intrigues me. I can change someone’s physiology without treating them. It’s the wildest thing!” In fact, the better a man’s response to the drug, the better her response to him.

“Entanglement” is a physics concept. Subatomic particles have “partners”—other subatomic particles—with which they can be entangled, sometimes over great distances. If you change one particle, the change affects the other one with which it is entangled. Dr. Goldstein’s study is a strong indicator that humans can be entangled. We change when we fall in love, we become one unit, at least sexually. The two shall become one, as it says in the Bible. “There are no other physiologic abilities of men and women that are shared, and that is what is so fascinating about these data,” Goldstein says. He also says there is some evidence that when he successfully treats women who suffer from dyspareunia, or pain with intercourse, their men get better erections and have more sexual satisfaction. And he suspects that male partners of women with low libido have poorer erections and that if those women could be treated, the men would improve, too. Taking care of yourself is taking care of your relationship.

7. Sexual novelty can boost lasting love. Some people like routine. It makes them feel safe and comfortable. Others need variation and new challenges. According to Emory University psychiatrist and researcher Gregory Berns, novelty is a central factor in achieving and maintaining satisfaction in life and in intimate relationships. He thinks the basal ganglia, which uses the neurotransmitter dopamine, hold the key. He published his findings in a book titled
Satisfaction: The Science of Finding True Fulfillment
. He starts his exploration with a simple question, “What do humans want?” He
challenges the belief that we are driven primarily to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. Rather, Berns finds that “satisfaction comes less from the attainment of a goal and more in what you must do to get there.” With a series of experiments using cutting-edge functional MRI scanning technology, he sees that the interaction of dopamine, the neurotransmitter secreted in the brain in anticipation of pleasure, and cortisol, the chemical released when we are under stress, produces the feelings people associate with satisfaction. Berns ventures into the world to demonstrate his ideas, studying the bruised and reddened S&M players, as well as looking at the ultramarathoners who collapse after a hundred-mile run. Berns then brings his journey home, looking at issues in his own marriage and the sexual dissatisfaction that so often plagues long-term relationships. His conclusion is simple and compelling: People are wired for novel experience, and when we seek it out, we are satisfied. Look for ways to bring novelty into your intimate relationships. Do things differently, from the way you kiss your partner, to the way you show love, to the activities you do together.