The Brute (5 page)

I took one last lingering look at my apartment. I had packed up my clothes and grabbed things like my laptop and some paperbacks (the few I still had and couldn’t ever get rid of).

We filled the back of the hire-car with whatever would fit.

I was sad that the furniture would have to stay behind. I didn’t have time to organize a moving truck and I knew once The Brute cut off paying my rent, then it’d be taken away and dumped. It was a shame.

I ran my hand over the soft fabric of my favorite chair in the living room. The one I liked curling up in on cold nights with a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate, complete with fluffy white marshmallows half floating and half melting into it.

I’d miss this place.

Most of all
I’d miss the ideal I’d placed on myself, on how I should be living. You always think you’ll have a perfect life and nothing will go wrong. You imagine how happy you’ll be living that ideal, and sometimes you’ll make the wrong decisions, just because you can’t bear to think about how you’ll cope without that image of yourself.

People place too much importance on fantasy lives these days. If you are not careful, things start to rot below the surface.

James had a really determined look in his eyes as he drove back to Claremont. His hands gripped the steering wheel as if he was afraid that he’d veer off course if he relaxed. More probably he was just pissed at me. I would have been pissed at me too. It wasn’t like we were boyfriend or girlfriend or anything. Like that would happen now that he knew who I really was. I looked out the window.

I had no doubt that The Brute would execute his plan of humiliating me by sending pictures of us to my family and friends. It was his style to follow through on that promise. I hoped he’d give me enough time to get home first, to tell my parents directly what had happened. If they heard it from my own mouth, and how I got into this situation in the first place, maybe they wouldn’t think so badly of me. Even though it was never really about that (I knew they loved me). It was about protecting them the humiliation of knowing their own friends would see their daughter in compromising situations.

James stopped for gas half way home. I stayed in the car as he pumped the tank full and turned to walk inside to pay. When he came back out, he held two Cokes and a bag of Ruffles. The way he was holding them made the front of his t-shirt ride up a bit in front, and I caught a glimpse of his muscled, smooth torso. I looked away of course. After everything that had happened that day, the last thing I wanted to be thinking about was James Trent’s smooth rippled torso.

My parents had already received five naked photos of me by the time we pulled up to my family home. Each one arrived twenty minutes after the next.

My dad was furious, of course, he was ready to blow The Brute’s brains out with his shotgun.

James waved goodbye to my parents and my dad shook his hand, thanking him for bringing me back from such a bad situation.

“I’ll be back to check on you later tonight,” James said to me. “Talk to your parents. You are all stronger than this.”

I agreed. This was something I needed to do myself. It was my mess. I had to get real and clean it up.

James ruffled my hair, like he used to do when we were kids. Winked, then got into the car and disappeared out of the gate.

I turned to my parents.

My father had his arm around my mother, they stood firm together, as if not even this would faze them. They were stronger than I gave them credit for.

“Tell us from the start, from how you met, to how this all happened,” asked my father as he led as all inside.

There was no emotion on either of their faces as I told them. I was glad about that. I couldn’t have handled any shocked looks, or glimmers of disappointment. There was none of that.

Both my parents wanted to go to the police. Stop the harassment. Punish him for hurting me. I didn’t think it would do any good.

I had, in effect, agreed to everything he did in the beginning. And even toward the end, when things got ugly, he didn’t force me to do anything. He might have persuaded me and made me think I had no other options, but I wasn’t the unwilling victim in all of this. As much as I hated his ass for manipulating and blackmailing me, I went along with it all.

It’s that part of it which makes me really angry at myself. I should know better. Did I really have such poor judgment about myself and my family that the threat of letting people see me naked allow that asshole to continue to screw me (literally and figuratively)?

I think that’s what makes me feel so guilty in all of this. That I allowed it to go on as long as it did. I could have ended this a lot sooner and saved my family and friends the shame of seeing me that way.

We called the phone company and got them to block calls from his number. He’d never even know that they weren’t getting through.

My father did eventually convince me that we should call the police, even if they couldn’t do anything about it since it’s not illegal for adults to send naked pictures of other adults around. But just to keep them informed.

James came over that night. He’d already deleted two messages from his email before he blocked the asshole and reported him as spam as well. I wasn’t sure that would stop The Brute entirely.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said to me as I lay my head on his shoulder. We’d gone outside to watch the stars.

“I could have stopped this much earlier than I did,” I said.

“Whether you could or couldn’t, you have now. That’s all that matters. The important thing is that it’s over and you’re okay.”

But was I okay?
Really?

He held my hand, his fingers curling in mine. It felt nice just to touch someone so innocently and sweetly again. Perhaps I would be okay.

The gossip and innuendo from people whispering as I walked passed on the street was still strong after a week. Most of the online sites (apart from a few dubious ones), had removed any evidence of my exposed flesh, but they still lingered in people’s memories.

I think that’s what I found the hardest. That people would look at you, not remember anything else about you, other than you were ‘that’ woman who had those naked pictures and sex tapes made of her.

Guys, who passed me, stared with a cross between admiration and surprise that I would be standing in front of them. I wondered if this was how celebrities were stared at when someone bumped into them unexpectedly - that few seconds where recognition slowly dawns on them and they are dumbstruck as to what to do or say. Women would lower their eyes or whisper to their friends when they thought I wasn’t looking. Sometimes they’d do it even if they knew I could see them.

However, most people, thankfully, simply ignored me.

It got easier after awhile. They say the first week is the hardest. I’d agree with that.

It was also easier when you had a supportive family, and a friend like James.

The picnic that James and I were meant to have in the city, happened beside a tiny lake on a flat expanse of grass, on one of the most beautiful days of the month. James had packed sandwiches full of pastrami, pickles that burst in your mouth, and delicate strawberry crepes for dessert.

I’d been home two weeks, and I’d almost forgotten how shitty my life had become in the city. While we hadn’t kissed again since that first time, James and I were often found leaning into each other, or holding hands.

It was a good escape, and it made me feel like we were in primary school again. I loved it.

I was determined that I was going to feel his lips on mine today though. While the sweetness was great, I wanted to experience that same rush of endorphins I’d felt when we’d first kissed. I had been thinking about his strong lips on mine all day. Hell, I’d been thinking about it none stop since it first happened.

“I’m heading back to the city today,” he said out of the blue.

His proclamation shook me. “You are? Why?”

“My cafe.
I take over management next week.”

I had forgotten. Which
isn’t exactly true. I had chosen to forget because I knew it meant he’d be leaving me.

“Of course.
Good luck with it.”

“Luck?
You think I need luck, do you?”

I looked over at him and he was smirking, teasing me. A huge grin broke out over my face. “You know what I meant.”

“Is that so? Well why don’t you come over here and explain it to me then?”

He grabbed my hand pulling me next to him. My heart beat a little faster. “I just meant that businesses are tough, and although you are a great cook, I think a little luck would be something handy to have.”

“Just a great cook?” He was still smirking at me.

“A wonderful one.”

“Not a sexy one? Not a so-hot-I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-him one?” He leaned forward ready to kiss me.

He was finally going to kiss me again. I closed my eyes.
But didn’t feel his lips brush against me.

Opening my eyes again, I saw that his eyes were open wide. Like he was in shock or surprised.

“I’m sorry, Ang. I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t know what came over me. After everything you’ve been through. I didn’t mean…”

He pulled away, ripping his gaze from me, and looked down at his hands.

Damn. He’d thought he’d upset me.

“It’s okay. It really is. I’m fine.”

He turned and began to pack up our picnic.

There was no way I was going to let him leave like this though. I touched his chin, moving his face to look back at me. I leaned in myself, and kissed him.

“You look like a crazy
galoon with that grin on your face,” said my father who was walking across the porch with a rifle in his hand. He’d been out hunting.

It was true. Since I kissed James earlier, I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face. And even though I had no idea what a
galoon was (although probably it was one of my father’s made up words), I did feel a little crazy.

We’d ended up making out for the rest of the afternoon.
Just kissing. But boy was it hot. There is something deeply exciting about kissing someone like James. It’s not the same as kissing someone who you don’t love - like The Brute. Which in the beginning was nice, but it wasn’t the same sparks flying, fireworks exploding, heart pounding that I’d had with James. I know I sound like a cliché, but it’s true. It was magical.

I’m also not saying I love James. Because, really, how could I this fast? Even so, I grinned at the thought of loving him one day, even though you wouldn’t be able to tell, as my original grin still hadn’t been wiped off yet, if it ever would.

During dinner my father just shook his head.
“Crazy galoon.”

I didn’t care. It had made me forget everything else, like life was normal again.

James promised to be back in two days. While he was gone back to the city, I took the time to figure out what I should do now.

Obviously I was starting back at square one, trying to find work. Now that I had more time, I didn’t fancy taking a burger flipping job. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but I doubted I’d be any good at it, and likely to be fired at any rate for burning something, or making a patty the wrong shape. No. Sticking to my strengths was the wisest move.

I’d half heartedly looked online at the job openings at some of the bigger accounting firms, but they had nothing for a just-left university graduate who had messed up her first job due to an errant decimal point. Nor did they have anything for an unsuspecting naked internet girl. Ha! At least I was beginning to laugh about it. Or maybe it was because I still wasn’t thinking straight? Being kissed by James will do that to a girl.

By
evening I was still floating around my parents house. When he texted me later that night, “Sweet dreams, gorgeous.” I was still smiling.

I wasn’t expecting James back for another day. But there was his car, pulling up our driveway. The dust spun up behind the tires, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if dust flew up behind my feet as I ran to greet him, either.

It seemed the grin fairy had afflicted him as well, as he had a large smile plastered across his face as he bounded out of the car, his eyes sparkling when he saw me. He pulled me into a hug lifting my feet off the ground.

When I had returned to earth (both figuratively and literally), we sat down on the porch steps, linking hands.

“Everything set with the cafe?” I asked.

He nodded. “There is one last thing to do and I’m ready to rock and roll. I was wondering if you’d be able to help me with that?”

“Of course.
What do you need?”

“Just one more staff member.”

“Oh. But I’m not waitress material,” I said. Last time I’d try and carry a tray of drinks, I’d ended up looking like I was a participant in a wet t-shirt competition.

“I need a bookkeeper, actually.
Someone to start tomorrow. Get those finances in order before I open next week.”

Well a book keeper wasn’t exactly my accounting specialty, but the thought of working with James was kind of appealing.

“Just temporary of course, you can still look around for something you’re better suited for. But you’d be really helping me out, I’m not as good with the business side.” Which I’m sure was a lie, James was good at everything.

“Sure, of course. That’s great.
But tomorrow? I don’t have anywhere to live in the city now. It’s not enough time to find something.”

“Yes, you do have somewhere. You’re old apartment building.”

I shook my head. “That’d be already rented by now. It’s been two weeks.”

“Yes,” he said. “To me, they rented it to me.”

“I don’t think it’s such a good idea.” The permanently applied smile had begun to erode. Swap The Brute paying my rent with James paying my rent. It was too much, too soon.

He cocked his head to one side and raised an eyebrow at me. “Don’t think for a minute that this means anything. I just happened to find a nice apartment in the city that had suddenly become available. Two actually, since I got the one across the hallway as well.”

“I don’t want you to pay my rent.” I said.

“Hell, I’m not going to pay it. You are.
Which is why you need a job.”

“But if it’s in your name …”

“Actually, the one across the hallway is in your name. I’ll be staying in your old one.”

I shook my head, confused.

“Look, I know it’s a bit sudden, but I didn’t think you’d want to go back to your old apartment, not with the memory of him there. So you have the one across the hall. I have your old apartment. You just drag your stuff across the threshold between them.”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s a short term lease. If you don’t want to stay, then don’t.”

I know he was just trying to make things right. But it felt wrong.

“No. I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

I stood up, turned and walked into the house, leaving him staring at my back. The warm glow when I thought of James had been replaced with a void of nothingness. I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything.

In hindsight, I should have taken more control of the situation. I should have said, ‘Look James, I know you are trying to do everything to help, but it’s too much, too soon, and too much like how things started with The Brute. You are trying to control me.’ And while I knew he wasn’t *actually* trying to control me, I still had those scars. In a way, The Brute was still controlling me, and he wasn’t even in my life anymore.