The Casual Rule (31 page)

He places his other hand around my waist as I rest my free hand on his shoulder. He pulls me closer to him as we leisurely sway to the music.

He rubs his cheek against my hair, inhales deeply then kisses my hair. I close my eyes and relish this…the beautiful music, his body pressed against mine as we hold each other. This is the most intimate we’ve ever been and we’re still dressed. He turns his head slightly and gazes at me with a half smile. I tilt my head and smile back.

This dance is our foreplay, the most beautiful and sensual foreplay I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never felt so close to Ben. Here, in his arms, exactly where I’m meant to be.

He moves his hand away from my waist and slowly twirls me, eventually returning his hand back to my waist. There’s something about the way he’s looking at me. Something’s different. Maybe it’s a combination of the music and my nightgown, I don’t know. But I feel truly beautiful, like his beauty is reflecting onto me.

I set my hand back on his shoulder as we face each other. He leans in toward me. Our eyes lock. My stomach flutters and goosebumps prickle up my arms. He hesitates then closes his eyes and brushes his lips lightly against mine. I close my eyes and feel him. Just feel him.

Opening his hand, he unlaces our fingers, sliding his hand up my arm until both hands are around my waist. His touch is so light it tickles. I glide my hand up his chest and rest it on his shoulder. He tilts his head back slightly, like he’s searching for something then pulls me tightly to him. I wrap my hands tighter around him. We’re barely moving, just holding each other. It’s exquisite.

He leans down and kisses me. A low moan comes from the back of his throat and I know he feels it too. Whatever this is between us right now, he feels it too. He breaks our kiss and holds me, gently rubbing his cheek against mine, lightly kissing my hair over and over. I close my eyes and try to collect myself as I feel tears threatening. I’m so overwhelmed and I don’t know why. It’s like all of my emotions are bubbling to the top.

I realize that we’re not just dancing… it’s much more than that.

He lets me go and takes a small step back. His hand glides down my back, over my silk nightgown as he caresses my backside, the cool feel of the silky fabric moves smoothly over my skin. I love the feel of his hands on me. He glides his hand back up, brushing lightly against my nightgown then slowly slides the thin straps to my nightgown down my shoulders. The black silk falls to the ground forming a small pile around my feet.  He stands captivated, admiring me as I stand naked in front of him. I blush at his appreciation. He lifts his hand and cups my breast, gently stroking his thumb across my hardened nipple. We gaze at each other longingly. I raise my hand to his shirt and one by one, slowly unbutton it, sliding each arm out of the sleeves until his shirt is on the floor. I’m eager to unwrap the rest of him. He grabs the bottom of his V neck, but I stop him. I want to undress him. He lets go, and I pull it over his head.

My hands splay across his bare chest, touching the smooth muscle beneath his warm skin. He lifts his hand to my face, his index finger tracing my lips. I press a delicate kiss on his fingertip.  He glides his finger up to my cheek, caressing it as he slides down my neck, lazily skimming across the nape of my neck to my shoulder.

He cups my face and kisses me, a long drugging kiss, passionately claiming my mouth, slowly, sensually. He breaks our kiss and nuzzles my neck, running a trail of feather-light kisses from my neck to the curve of my shoulder.

I can’t take it anymore. I want all of him, everything he has to give, naked with nothing between us. I pull away and grab the waistline of his pants, unbuttoning the button and pulling down his zipper. I slide my hands inside his pants and run my fingers through his pubic hair, gently brushing over the dewy tip of his erection. He closes his eyes as a low groan escapes from the back of his throat. I know I’ve got him under my spell. I bend down to the floor and pull down his pants and boxer briefs until he steps out of them.

He clasps both my hands and takes me to the edge of his bed. I lower myself on the bed, lying down, never breaking eye contact, as he joins me, lying next to me. He pulls me close to him, as our bodies melt into each other. This skin on skin contact is fueling my need for him. His hand trails down my side until he reaches my inner thigh. Gently he pushes my thighs apart, rubbing a finger between my swollen folds then plunging into my wetness. My back arches up, responding to his touch as I always do. My hips begin rocking up, swaying to his rhythm. I breathe in little gasps, as the sensation inside me is building, building, building. My body briefly stiffens, as uncontrollable contractions take over, wave after wave of glorious bliss. I moan, in helpless surrender. Surely this is heaven.

I turn my head and look at him, my eyes full of grateful lust. He runs his nose across my jaw line, then kisses down to my breasts, taking each nipple in his mouth, sucking and teasing me with his tongue. He reaches over to his nightstand, grabbing a condom and rolls it on.  Slowly, he climbs on top of me, parting my legs wide with his. I gladly oblige, giving myself to him. Not just my body, but my soul. I am his and I will do anything for this man. He kisses me hard and passionately then stares deeply into my eyes, my unrestrained desire staring back at him. He knows he’s captured all of me. I want him like I’ve never wanted him before. I need this. I’ve missed this.

He pulls one of my knees up and in one long slow motion, plunges deep inside me, joining his body to mine. My hips arch up against him.  He begins to really move, thrusting in a slow calculating rhythm, rotating his hips. This isn’t our usual hard punishing pounding. This is slow and deliberate. He’s taking his time, sensually grinding his body into mine. We move together like we’re one, the way only lovers can do.

His hand tenses around my leg and I know he’s there. I press up to meet his thrusts. He calls out my name as I feel his shattering release. He leans on his forearms as he looks down at me, gazing deep in my eyes, like he’s looking into my soul. His expression is warm, tender. We say nothing. We don’t need to. Our eyes say everything… and it takes my breath away. He smiles, rubbing his nose against mine. He sweetly kisses my lips and moves next to me, catching his breath as we collapse in our afterglow.

He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.

I know in this moment, that for the first time, we did not just have sex. This was cherishing, tender, meaningful.  This was more. For the first time, we made love.

And it was beautiful.

~o0o~

I lie on my side and watch Ben sleep; his chest peacefully rising and falling. I think back to our lovemaking and smile. I would have never believed I’d end up here, feeling so content and happy. I don’t remember the last time I felt so complete. I reflect on our times together, fighting our attraction, and then finally giving in to it. The laughs we’ve had, things we’ve shared. I think about the things my mom said to me before we left New Jersey and all the lectures from Allie. I know they saw my truth before I did.

I lie on my back, facing the ceiling and close my eyes. Warm tears stream down my face as I realize I can no longer lie to myself.

I love him.

Chapter 16

I spent the entire night watching Ben sleep and trying to figure out what to do about my epiphany. He looks so peaceful and I’m a bundle of nerves. Why didn’t I see this happening? Why didn’t I stop it? How could I be so blind to something that was clearly right in front of me?

I love him. Damn. What am I supposed to do about this? I think I’m going to throw up. I know it’s too late now. Once I finally admitted my true feelings to myself, I realize I’m in deep.

Shit.

I sneak out of bed, careful not to wake Ben, find my black silk nightgown still in a pile on the floor where we left it last night and slip it on. Quietly, I walk into the living room and sit on the couch, my back leaning against the arm rest with my legs spread across, staring out the window into the darkness of the night. What am I going to do? This is going to ruin everything.  Should I ignore my feelings? Pretend I don’t love him. We’ll go on status quo. Things will remain the same, good, perfect… because if he knows, he might end this.

Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t conceal this information. How can I possibly hide it? He’s going to figure it out and then he’s going to leave me. What have I done?  

This is his fault. He should have warned me he was so easy to love. If I knew, I never would have agreed to this arrangement. Somehow he found the chink in my armor and ripped it open. I know there’s no turning back for me.

I’m going to lose him.

Then again….

Maybe he feels the same. I wasn’t expecting this, maybe he wasn’t either. I
know
we didn’t just have sex last night, I know it. I felt it, surely he felt it too. He had to. I didn’t imagine the shift from sex to lovemaking. It was real. In that moment,
we
were real. That kind of connection can’t possibly be one sided.

Maybe he’ll fall to his knees and pledge his undying love to me, ask me to move in... No, it’s too soon for that. Maybe he’ll be relieved that we can finally be honest with each other, we can embrace our feelings, without fear. He’ll hold me tight and tell me over and over how much he loves me too, he can’t live without me.

Or he’ll go.

I’m feeling sicker by the minute as I watch the sun rise. It’s tomorrow and I don’t know what to do. If I’m honest with him, will it be our new beginning or the beginning of the end for us? I’m terrified to find out the answer.

Feather-light kisses tickle behind my ear and I stiffen. “I missed you,” he murmurs, pushing my hair to the side. “Why are you out here?”

“I, I couldn’t sleep…I didn’t want to wake you,” I stutter, straightening up my posture on the couch.

“Next time wake me.” He lightly kisses down my neck and around my shoulder, his stubble rubbing against my skin. “I could have tired you out more.”

“HmmMmm.” I nod stiffly.

“Come back to bed.” His teeth graze my earlobe. I close my eyes and feel him. He said he missed me. Maybe there’s hope. Then again, he was referring to sex. Always sex. Only sex. I’m so confused.

“I’m comfortable here,” I lie.

“Watching the sunrise?”

“Um, yes.” I know I’m buying time, but if I go back to bed with him, we’re going to make love and I know I’m going to blurt it out. How can I not, now that I know?

“Okay, I’ll watch it with you. Let me get behind you.” I move forward as Ben sits down behind me, with one leg bent up on the couch and the other on the floor. I scoot back close to him, as he wraps his arms around me and kisses the back of my head. My heart aches as I lean back, enveloped in a love I can no longer deny.

We watch silently as the sun paints the sky from dark blue to beautiful pinks, oranges and reds. I already miss the darkness, where I could stay hidden from my truth and the consequences that will follow it. The more brilliant the sky, the deeper my fears.

“I haven’t watched a sunrise in years,” Ben muses. “It’s like a fresh start. It’s here everyday, yet we never take the time to appreciate the simple miracle that it is.” He kisses the back of my head. “Thank you, Julia. Sometimes I forget how beautiful a new beginning can be.” He tightens his arms around me. I cross my arms over his, holding him close to me.

I’m fighting the tears that are threatening to fall. Are we the sunrise... the beautiful new beginning Ben spoke of? Or the sunset… the darkness that follows the end of the day? I wish I knew.

Ben lifts my hand and brings it to his mouth, pressing his lips against it. “Would you like to go back to my bedroom?” he murmurs.

My pulse races as I go into panic mode. My body and my heart desperately want that connection to him while my mind is full of fear. “I, err,” I stammer.

“Ah, I get it. Your stomach is trumping me again isn’t it?” he asks, with a hint of humor in his voice.

“Um…yes,” I answer softly. The last thing on my mind is eating, but it’ll buy me time to think some more.

“Well then. Let’s get you fed.”

~o0o~

“Here you go. Artery clogging fat-laden real bacon and scrambled eggs made especially for the very beautiful Julia ‘My Stomach Comes before Ben comes’ Conti,” Ben jokes as he places our breakfast plates on the kitchen table. He bought real bacon… just for me.

I wish he’d stop being so damned charming. Now that the love gate has opened, everything he does is going to make me fall harder.

“Thank you.” I sit down at the table playing with my food. I have no appetite. What should be a happy discovery is making me miserable. The uncertainty is making me miserable.  I don’t know how to be around him.

“Something wrong with your breakfast?”

“No, it’s fine.” I lift a tiny forkful of eggs and put it in my mouth.

“You’ve been moving your eggs from one side of the plate to the other for the past five minutes. And you haven’t touched the bacon. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.” I feel a lump forming in my throat.

“Julia, there’s obviously something bothering you. You look like you lost your best friend.”

I think I’m about to.

“I’m fine Ben, really,” I assure him.

He cocks his head, studying me. He knows I’m lying. “Is it something I did?”
Yeah, you made me fall in love with you.
“Talk to me.”

Do I come clean? Sooner or later, I’m going to have to. If I ignore it, I’ll only get in deeper. I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to tell you,” I say quietly.

“Why?” He frowns.

“It will change things.” My nerves are raw; I hug myself in an effort to calm them.

“Change what things?” He drops his fork down on his plate focusing all his attention to me.

“Things between us.” My voice, shaky.

“You’re not making any sense. What could possibly change about us?”

“The way you feel about this.” I wave my finger between the two of us. “The way you feel about me.”

“Julia, you’re not making any sense. Just tell me what’s on your mind.”