The Cinderella Theorem (13 page)

I
nodded. “It is nine days, today.”

Cinderella
smiled, “I must say, Princess, that I think you a have remarkably good attitude
about everything. If my father were to come back to life after being dead, I
don’t know if I should be able to accept it as well as you.”

“Thank
you.” I managed. During her last speech, I had burned my tongue on the tea. Shock
from the fact she thought I had a good attitude led me sip too much hot tea. I
suppose I am trying, I can easily say that my attitude is infinitely greater
than Calo’s. “Please just call me Lily, though. I’m not used to all this
‘Princess’ business.”

“And
you must call me Ella.” She passed the tray of cookies. “May I ask what were
you doing at Arthur’s? I hope his Happiness levels were not too low.”

“No,
nothing like that.” I took a cookie. “He was within the normal range, only Less
than Happy, but he volunteered to let me practice on him.”

“How
nice.” She smiled and sipped her tea. “And what was the result?”

“It
went very well; he became Happy, but—” I stopped. I wasn’t sure if I should
share my suspicions about Levi and the effect his letter had on Arthur.

“But?”

“But,
well…I’m not sure it had a lasting effect.” No one said it was a secret; there
could be no wrong in telling. “He was so angry when I left.”

Ella
raised her eyebrows. “But angry is not the same as unhappy,” she said slowly,
then paused, “Why did he become angry?”

“I
don’t know exactly, but I think it was because of the letter he received.”

“A
letter,” Ella repeated, thoughtfully. “Did he say who the letter was from?”

“No,
he didn’t. But,” I went on in a rush, “I think it was from Levi.”

“Levi?
Levi, the sycophant?”

I
nodded.

“But
then,” she smiled to herself, “yes, that would explain it all. Tell me, Lily:
was it storming when you arrived at Arthur’s?”

“No.
It started as we were leaving.”

“Exactly.”
She put down her teacup. “Come with me. I believe I can explain at least the
anger and the storm to you.”

I
nodded and followed her out of the parlor. We went back into the hall and up
the stairs. Ella led me into a room off the first landing.

“This
is the map room,” she said.

And
I had to agree. Every inch of the walls (except for the small windows that let
in copious and illogical amounts of sunshine) was covered with maps. A table in
the center of the room was piled high with atlases.

“You
have a lot of maps,” I remarked, noticing detailed maps of my world, a wall devoted
to maps of the moon, and a globe of a planet that I was not familiar with.

Ella
looked around, “Oh, I suppose we do. Aven’s a bit of a cartography nut, and
he’s Chief Cartographer for your father.”

“Who’s
Aven? And what’s a cartographer?”

Ella
started moving the atlases off the table. They hit the stone floor with echoing
thuds. “Aven is Prince Avenant–Prince Charming to you.” Another atlas thud. She
added as an afterthought, “And, he’s my husband.” (Atlas. Thud.) “Cartography is
map-making, so a cartographer—”

“Is
a map-maker,” we finished together.

“Exactly,”
Ella dropped the last atlas to the floor. “But since he is out surveying Avalon
for a new contour map the Weird Sisters have commissioned, we can use the map
table.”

There
was a strange hint of bitterness as she spoke. I didn’t know what a contour map
was or who the Weird Sisters were, but I didn’t think it was a good time to
ask.

Ella
felt along the side of the table and flipped a switch. Immediately, the map table
lit up. A voice from somewhere in the table spoke:

“
Many maps have I to show:

 of the Salt Land and Oslo.

 Make your pick.

Speak it quick.
”

“Good
afternoon, Map Table,” Ella said, clearly used to the demands of her furniture.

“Good
afternoon, Ella,” the voice answered back. “Good afternoon, Princess. You’re a
bit off your course, aren’t you?”

“I
got lost in a storm.” Odd though it was, there was some unaccounted for
excitement in talking to a table. I began to wonder if this was normal for
Smythian furniture. Would the chalkboard in my room at the castle assist with
math problems? Could my squishy chair tell me where I had left something I’d
lost?

But
I had to stop thinking about animated furniture and pay attention. The table
was talking again.

“Ahh,
a storm. Could have happened to anyone. It’s easy to lose yourself that way.
But you ought to be traveling with a map. I can’t think why you haven’t already
been given one. I shall tell Aven to make you one. I say, it’s dreadfully
remiss, having your princess without a decent map.”

“Map
Table,” Ella took advantage of a pause in his monologue on the evils of mapless
travel. “Could you show us the weather map of the kingdom? And prepare the FK
map as well. I want to explain the Fisher King myth to Lily.”

“Quite
right,” the table answered, and a map of the kingdom appeared. I had not yet
seen a map of Smythe, so I was interested to see my new world.

It
was like a weather map on the six o’clock news, except in 3D. Clouds and suns
dotted the map. I saw the Protector’s castle right in the center, surrounded by
its moat. Then, in beautiful, mathematically correct, concentric circles moving
out from the castle were the woods. The first wood was the first circle; the
second wood was the second circle, and so on. There were seven in all. It
looked like a giant had dropped my castle in the center of a pond and the woods
were the ripples. A river flowed down from Mount Olympus to the north, joined
the moat around my castle and flowed out again to the sea, in the west. In the
northern waters off the coast were the island of Avalon and the city of
Atlantis.
[37]
In the Southeast, there was a hilly area labeled “The Dale.” And the Southwest
was devoted to a large forest, different from the wood rings around the castle.
The trees were clustered together, more like you would expect a forest to look.
It was labeled “Sherwood.” Directly south was a darker forest, almost black,
labeled “The Wildwood.” One corner of the Wildwood was completely black,
labeled “Uppish Senna.” The land of Unhappiness where Tandem Tallis lived and
sent out dead lilies and sparrows, where greasy Levi came from, where citizens
vanish to languish in dungeons. I shuddered.

“Okay,
Lily,” Ella began by pointing out King Arthur’s castle in the sixth wood. “This
is Arthur’s, where you were when you got caught in the storm. What time did the
storm hit?”

“Around
five, I think,” I answered, after doing some mental math.

“Great.
Map Table, could you show us—”

“Now
showing the Weather Map from five o’clock PM.” The map changed slightly. Some
of the clouds moved a few inches to the west.

“Thank
you, Map Table. Now, Lily, looking at the map, tell me what the weather was
like at Arthur’s when you left.”

I
looked at Arthur’s castle, expecting to see dark stormy clouds, with lightning
bolts coming from them. What I saw was a sun over the castle.

“Well,”
I stalled, trying to mathematically figure it out. “The map says it was sunny.”

“Yes,
it does.” Ella pointed to me as she spoke, emphasizing her point. “This is the
map that shows the
actual
weather in the kingdom. Map Table, can we see
the FK map now?”

“Now
showing the Fisher King map from five o’clock PM.” The map changed. It was
still a map of Smythe’s SFL, but some of the weather had changed. The most
noticeable change was over Arthur’s. It was hard to see the actual castle;
thick, dark clouds covered it. Lightning flashed, and listening carefully, I
could hear rolls of thunder.

“I
don’t understand,” I admitted. “How can that storm not be the actual weather?
How could I get drenched in a storm that wasn’t real?”

Ella
smiled. “Well, it was real, and it wasn’t.” She paused. “King Arthur is a king
from the ancient days, and as such, he is subject to the Fisher King myth. In
those ancient days, the people believed that the king was tied to the land,
married to the land, even.”

“Married
to the land?” I asked, with a hint of sarcasm.

“Yes.
If the king was healthy, the land would be productive and fruitful. If the king
was ill, the land would become a wasteland.” She paused again. “Of course, this
is a very simple explanation of the FK myth. I’m sure there’s a file at HEA
that you could read for a more thorough explanation. Also, since there is so
much magic loose here in Smythe’s SFL, the effects of the myth are more
pronounced.”

I
began processing this. “So that means Arthur would not have to be very ill to
make his kingdom a wasteland.”

“Right,
and by extension, his other emotions are also bound up in the Fisher King
myth.”

“Like
anger?”

“Exactly.
When Arthur gets angry, storms come quickly.”

“But
his Fisher King weather isn’t real?” That storm had seemed awfully real. My
clothes are in the dryer; my hair is wet. And how hard would it be to live in a
place where the weather changed with someone’s emotions?

“It’s
real in the sense that you got wet and the rain was there. It’s not real in the
way the monsters you saw in the dark when you were little weren’t real. You
only ‘saw’ them because of the shadows or because you were afraid. You imagined
them.”

“I
didn’t imagine that storm.”

“Of
course not. And Arthur didn’t either. The storm was only there because of his
anger. When he calms down, the storm will cease. In fact,” she turned back to
the table, “Map Table, show us the current FK map.”

“Now
showing the Fisher King map for 5:43 PM.” Once again, the table changed. The
storm above Arthur’s was different now. It was less–less dark, less clouds,
less thunder, less rain, and only an occasional streak of lightning.

“You
see?” Ella asked. “It’s clearing off. He must be calming down. Probably, he
wrote a strongly worded letter to Levi to release his anger.”

Weather
that’s real and isn’t. I am no longer surprised that these citizens have
trouble staying Happy. Everything about their world is unmathematical and
abnormal.

I
asked a few more polite questions about maps and fake weather. Question: There
are several kings in Smythe’s SFL. Does this Fisher King thing apply to all of
them? Answer: Not to the extent that it does for Arthur. His case is even more
pronounced because of his ancientness. The others are only mildly affected by
it. For instance, my father would have to be very, very sick or very, very
angry before he could change the weather. One of my follow-up questions was
interrupted when a maid came in to say my clothes were dry. Ella asked her to
put them in the room I had changed in earlier. After I dressed, combed my hair
again, and gathered my bag and Glenni’s umbrella, I followed Ella out into the
sunshine.

“I
am very glad that the storm got you lost, Lily. I hope you will visit again.”

“I’d
like that.”

“Good.”
She smiled. “After all, it’s not like I’m ever not at home, like Aven. I don’t
have maps to be making or commissions to be filling. I’m always here.” Again, I
noticed that strange bitterness in her voice. We had reached the path back to
the fork in the road. “You’ll find that the orange door will take you back to
HEA. You know your way back to the castle from there, I believe?”

“I
do. Thanks for everything.”

“Anytime.
Goodbye, Lily.”

“Goodbye,”
I called, starting down the path. When I got to the blue door, I went through
it. The rain on the other side was not so bad now. I quickly splashed through
the puddles to the orange door. Once through it, I knew where I was and would
be at HEA in a few minutes. I also realized that Glenni could have sent me here
in the first place. After all, HEA
is
shelter. I had (mistakenly) assumed
all the other doors did not lead to places I knew or places that were safe. HEA
was both known to me and safe.

So,
why did Glenni send me to Ella’s?

Calo
beat me back to HEA. He sat at his desk, filling out his case report on Morgan.
“There you are,” he said, as I came into the cubicle. “I thought you would have
made it here before me. Did you have trouble getting back?”

“Well,”
I dropped my bag and sank into my chair. “The bridge washed away, and since the
bike was on auto-pilot, it wouldn’t stop, so I had to leap off at the last
minute.”

“By
Excalibur,” Calo looked at me. “Are you alright?”

I
nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. I wandered around in the rain for a while then ended
up at Cinderella’s.”

“Cinderella’s?
But that’s miles away from Arthur’s, and across the river. Unless…fork in the
road?”

“Yeah.
I ran into Glenni at the fork in the road and she sent me there.”

“But,
from that fork, she could have sent you back here.”

“She
didn’t mention that. She only told me the blue door would lead to shelter.”

“That’s
odd.” We were both quiet for a moment, then Calo said, “Well, you just have to
fill out the case report on Arthur and you’ll be free for the weekend.”

“Great.”
I took the form from my desk. “Oh, what about my bike?”

“Hmm.
Let me check the map room.” He moved towards the door.

“You
think my bike is in the map room? Aven’s map room?”

“No,
HEA’s map room. And I don’t think your bike will be in there, but I will be
able to use the Enchanted Object Locator to find it.” He grabbed the files from
our outbox. “It’s a good thing we put it on auto-pilot. You can’t locate
unenchanted objects using the map.” He held up the files in his right hand. “Do
you need anything delivered or put away?”

I
shook my head. “No, thanks.”

“Sure.”
Calo walked away.

I
began filling out the case report, which would be filed with the citizen’s
other reports and case history. Everything was kept so the same mistake wouldn’t
be made twice (hopefully, no new Happiologists will ever ask Morgan why she’s
unhappy); the files also provide suggestions for things that
do
work.

Hannah,
the secretary for our row of cubicles stuck her head around the corner.
“Princess, you’ve got a mirror call.” She continued walking.

“Wait,
Hannah! I need directions to the mirrorphone.”

Two
minutes later, I entered a room off the main hallway full of mirrorbooths. Similar
to photo booths found in malls and amusement parks, but these booths have actual
doors instead of curtains.

I
sat on the seat, across from the mirror. Most of it functioned as an actual
mirror. However, along the bottom two inches these words flashed:
TOUCH YOUR
REFLECTED NOSE TO BEGIN.
I smiled and my reflected hand reached out to touch
my nose.

The
mirror went black, and green words appeared on it:
Thank you for choosing
Mirage Mirrorbooths. Please state your full name and any titles you may hold.

Full
name = Lily Elizabeth Sparrow.

Titles?

Could
they = Princess? Future Protector?

I
decided to say “Princess Lily Elizabeth Sparrow, Future Protector of E. G.
Smythe’s Salty Fire Land.”

The
mirror changed again:
Welcome, Princess Lily. What would you like to do?
Touch the green square next to your choice.

Near
the bottom of the mirror were two choices and two green squares. I could either
make a call
or
pick up a call
. I touched the square next to
pick
up a call
. The mirror changed once again to show Blaire kneeling
dangerously on our bathroom sink at home.

“Hello,
Blaire.”

“Hello,
Princess.” She waved. “Hold on.” She hopped off the sink, disappearing from
view. After a moment, my mother appeared in the bathroom.

“Hello,
Lily.”

“Hi,
Mom. Did Blaire not need to talk to me?”

“No.
She was holding the line for me. I didn’t know how long it would take for you
to get to the booths.”

“Yeah,
I’ve never used them before. I had to ask for directions.”

Mom
smiled. “Are you working late today? I’ve been wondering where you were.”

“Yeah,
I’ll be home soon though. I’ve just got to fill out one case report and then I
can go.”
After I find my bike
, I added mentally.

“That’s
fine, dear. We’re staying in Smythe’s SFL for the weekend, so when you finish
work, just portal back over here and grab whatever you need. Also, you should start
leaving some things there for weekends. You know, an extra toothbrush and some pajamas,
so you won’t have to pack every week.”

“Okay.”
I forced a smile, surprised and confused by this news. They were slowly moving
me to Smythe’s SFL. This week it was just a toothbrush. Next week it would be
some math books. Then, it would be “Hey, Lily, since most of your stuff is here
anyway, why don’t we just bring everything over?”

“Great,
sweetie. We’re eating dinner at the castle. I think I’ll be able to be there,
but I’m not sure. I’m waiting for a publisher on the West Coast to get back to
me. And I can’t exactly wait in Smythe.” She smiled. “He can only call on
non-mirror lines.”

“Okay,
Mom.”

“Bye,
Sweetie.”

“Bye.”
I watched as Mom hung up and the mirror reverted to my reflection, with
flashing words at the bottom asking me to touch my nose.

Nothing
about my life is normal. Soon my house at 2317 Marshall Road will just be an
address we use to get me registered in school, like those people who rent
apartments in nicer neighborhoods so their kids can go to the school for that
area. Assuming, of course, I am allowed to continue going to school. After all,
I am a princess. Shouldn’t I just have tutors and governesses? Then we’d never
have to worry about portaling at all.

I
sighed, counted backwards by sevens from one hundred five to calm myself down,
and went to finish my report.

I
had just signed it, affirming that everything I included in it was the whole
and complete truth, when Calo came back from the map room. “Found your bike.”

“Really?
Where?”

“Caught
in a driftwood pile between the fifth and sixth wood, near Hansel and Gretel’s.
I called and they’re on their way here with it. Being washed down the river sort
of messed up the auto-pilot, so they have to manually steer it back. Too bad;
if the auto-pilot was working properly, it would have made its way back on its
own.” He looked at the report in my hand. “Did you finish?”

“Yes.
What do I do with it now?”

“Give
it to me.” He took it. “When you’re an actual Happiologist, you’ll only need
Grimm to sign off on it, but since you’re still in training, you need both our
signatures.”

Calo
skimmed my report, then we spent the next ten minutes arguing over a piece of
data I included. Calo didn’t think the letter from Levi should be in the report.

“It
has no bearing on this case. He received the letter
after
you had made
him Happy. Not only is the letter irrelevant to the case report, but, if you
include it, you’ll be invading his privacy.”

“What?”
I looked at Calo, in disbelief. “He got the letter while we were there. He made
no attempt to keep us from knowing about the letter
or
how it affected
him.”

“Even
if you choose to ignore the privacy issue, the letter still has no importance
on the case. He was already Happy when he got it. Technically, we weren’t even
there. You can only include things that are relevant to his Happiness.”

“But
this is relevant! If he—”

 “How,
Lily? How is it relevant?” He snatched the Observatory’s most recent report off
his desk. “Look at this. What is Arthur’s status?” He shoved the paper at me.

I
looked down the list. “He’s Happy, but that doesn’t mean the letter isn’t—”

“Yes
it does!” Speaking slowly and emphasizing his words, he said, “The letter has
had no effect on his State of Happiness.
He is Happy
. The letter is
irrelevant.”

I
took a deep breath. “I think it needs to be on record that Levi is harassing
him. Since Levi works for Uppish Senna, then I think it is
highly
relevant that Arthur has received a letter from him. We could start making
random visits, or perhaps we could monitor his mail, or—”

“Lily,
stop. Listen to yourself.” Calo sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “If
Arthur came to us and said he thought he was in danger of vanishing because of
the letter,
then
we could do the things you suggested. But without his
approval, they are invasive and illegal.”

“But
he could vanish—”

“Lily,
we get a report every hour telling us his status. We’d catch anything before it
happened.”

“So
that’s just it? We watch him go lower and lower in his levels, not doing anything
until he Could Be Happier?”

“Watching
the levels is enough. They’re entitled to have a life of their own. They’re
entitled to have changes in their moods without us rushing in to save them
every time they’re a little below Happy.”

“But
someone ought to know that Levi’s going after Arthur.”

“They
probably already know.” Calo started straightening the things on his desk.

“Who
already knows?”

“Kara
and the Agency.” He paused. “Well, I assume they know. Kara almost always does.
She usually knows before I do. But then, it’s not really my job to—”

 “Who
is Kara?”

“She’s
one of the Twelve Dancing Princesses, and she’s head of the Agency.” Seeing I
was about to ask another question, he went on, “What’s the Agency? It’s a
top-secret group, started by your father and Grimm to monitor and eventually
eliminate Sennish presence in Smythe’s SFL.”

“Like
the CIA?”

Calo
looked at me. “I don’t know. What’s the CIA?”

I
shook my head. “Never mind. So they’re working against Levi?”

He
nodded. “And Tandem Tallis and his other agents of Unhappiness.”

The conversation
ended then, because Hannah popped in to say Hansel and Gretel had arrived with
my bike. We said goodbye and I left.

I
rode slowly back to the castle. I needed the time to sort out the persistent
thoughts in my head. There were five of them.

(1)
I was annoyed by the progressive moving of my stuff to the castle.

(2)
I was worried that I might have made plans with Corrie over the weekend or even
said, “Call me.” What if Peridiom or Blaire answered the phone?

(3)
Calo was driving me crazy. Why will he only look at the outcomes and not the
causes of Unhappiness? It’s like getting the right answer to an algebra
problem, but not knowing how you did it. That is sloppy mathematics, and it
will
always
cause trouble later, when you get into more difficult
problems.

(4)
The complexity of Smythe’s SFL continues to astound me. And I am surprised to
see order and logic in their world. Tandem Tallis is trying to make everyone
vanish. Logically, there would be some kind of resistance group. When you
examine it without magic, it makes excellent sense. (Of course, it’s also easy
to see the illogical side of this place when you realize they measure Happiness,
speak with talking animals, or ride on bikes that doesn’t need steering.)

(5)
If this Kara person usually knows about Levi’s attempts to harass people, does
she know about the tango? Does she know about the letter he sent to me? If she
does
know, has she told Calo?
[38]

When
I arrived at the castle, I picked up my key, and headed straight for Arrivhall.
Mom was still waiting for her publisher to call when I got to the house. We
chatted for a bit. She asked about school and work, and I told her about my
successful afternoon with Arthur. When I asked about her day, she told me all
about Tressa and Laurel and how she is afraid Tressa might get the Prince after
all. Luckily, I was saved from hearing anymore about her imaginary world,
because she realized I needed to pack and get to the castle for dinner.

Carey
(the little yellow man) helped me get the luggage to my room. After I unpacked,
I found my way to the dining room. My father was already there, speaking
quietly with Macon Mind in a corner. They stopped talking when they saw me.

“Good
evening, Princess,” Macon bowed to me.

“Good
evening, Macon,” I said, curtseying. I turned to my father. “Good evening, D—”
I broke off abruptly and tried to smile, absolutely uncertain about what to
call my father. Instead of finishing or supplying some other name, I stupidly
left the greeting hanging there. They both noticed and tried to cover it.

“Good
evening, Lily,” my father smiled awkwardly. “Macon, the Queen will be joining
us later. However, the Princess and I will begin dinner now. Please ask Lubcker
to bring it in.”