The Cinderella Theorem (24 page)

“So
what happened?” I asked. “How did he go from golden boy to grease bomb?”

“He
got careless, I guess. Didn’t keep up with his own happiness. And one day he
vanished. Tandem Tallis was delighted with his luck. He had the best Happiologist
in all of Smythe’s SFL, locked in one of his dungeons. In those days, Tallis
was the only Dark Mesa around. His strategy was simply to get the Happiologists
to vanish. No Happiologists in Smythe’s SFL would make the citizens easy to
pick off. But the vanishing of Levi changed everything. Levi didn’t like being
in the dungeon and was determined to find a way out. He waited patiently,
planning his strategy. In the end, he managed to get Tallis to agree to his
release.”

“How?”

“Levi
agreed to become Tallis’ lieutenant. In exchange for his release from the
dungeon, Levi became the Dark Mesa he is today.”

I
didn’t say anything for a moment. I was wondering how anyone could agree to
betray their own country, but I was also wondering how anyone could willingly
endure torture, knowing they had a way out.

“He’s
a traitor.”

Doug
nodded. “That’s why he’s so greasy. It’s punishment for his treachery.”

“What?
Punishment from whom?”

Doug
looked confused. “From the fairy tale forces of magic. You know, in all the
stories good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior is punished, like Fanchon.”

“Who?”

“Fanchon,
the older sister who was rude to the fairy and was punished by having snakes
and frogs come out of her mouth every time she talked.”

I
just looked at Doug.

He
went on. “And the good sister had gems and jewels drip out of her mouth,
because she was nice to the fairy. Good is rewarded; evil is punished. It’s
standard fairy tale philosophy. Didn’t Calo go over that with you?”

I
blinked at Doug. “I have no idea,” I answered honestly. “Calo mentioned
numerous things I can’t remember.” I looked down. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m
not very good at this whole Happiologist thing.”

“Nonsense.
You calculated why Calo vanished with astonishing accuracy and you’re here
helping to save the kingdom.” He paused. “I just wish I knew why Levi bothered
Calo in the first place?”

“Other
than the fact that he’s evil, right?”

“Right.
Calo’s not even one of his cases. Besides Levi is competitive. He’s been
Tallis’ number one for hundreds of years. He wouldn’t want to give Calo the
chance to become a better Dark Mesa than him.”

“Assuming
Calo would change sides, of course.” I could not believe Calo would be so
treacherous. He was an annoying, stuck-up jerk, but he wasn’t a traitor. He was
the one who stayed at work during my presentation ball to watch the monitors.
He was the one who took offence when I didn’t know anything about fairy tales.
Calo loved E. G. Smythe’s Salty Fire Land. He would never betray it.

“Of
course.” Doug didn’t look like he held a lot of faith in Calo’s constancy.
“Just in case, though, we should get him out of there as soon as we can.”

I
thought about Levi’s supposedly strange behavior. If he really was acting
outside his limits, he was taking an incredible risk. Was his desire to vanish
Calo greater than his need to be the best? It didn’t seem to equal the image
I’d formed of him.

Levi
was ultimately selfish. He had selfishly chosen his own comforts over the
greater good of the kingdom. Why would he go out of his way to vanish someone
that could ruin his career? Why would he take the trouble of making sure Kara,
Grimm, and Miranda couldn’t intervene in his vanishing of Calo? If Calo isn’t
his true target, who is?

“It’s
me,” I whispered.

Doug
looked up from his notes. “What?”

“Levi’s
after
me
. It’s basic mathematics. Why would Levi take such risks for
just Calo? He’s after a much bigger target. He wants the heir to the throne.”

“I
don’t think that’s true,” Doug fumbled with his notes, making new stacks. “We
can’t assume—”

“There’s
no other reason. Why would Levi wait until now to vanish Calo? He thinks I’ll
be so saddened by Calo’s vanishment that I’ll vanish too.”

“But
you
aren’t
living Happily Ever After, Princess. Levi knows that. You
can’t vanish.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t think you’re the reason Calo
vanished, but I do think you’re the only one who can save him.”

“Why
am I the only one?” Being the
only
one greatly reduces the mathematical
odds. The
only
one out of a hundred has a 1% chance of success.

“Because
your Happiness levels can’t be affected by Levi and Uppish Senna. You’re not
vanishable.”

“Okay,”
I said slowly.

Doug
rolled his chair over to me. “Look, we need someone in the dungeon to talk to
Calo and Ella–to get them back to Happy so they will vanish out of dungeon.
Since Cinderella is such a high profile story, we have to do this as soon as
possible, before the whole thing vanishes.”

“I
don’t—”

Doug
held up his hand to stop me. “Let me finish. Any of us could go, sure, but our
odds of success are only 10-12%. Your odds are closer to 57%.”

“That’s
very specific.”

 “I
was an accountant.”

“Those
aren’t very good odds.”

 Doug
shrugged. “If it were easy to get in and out of the dungeons, it wouldn’t be so
devastating when people vanish. Beside you may not be a certified Happiologist
yet, but you have one major advantage.”

“That
I’m not vanishable?”

“Exactly.
Any of the rest of us will begin to be affected by the sadness in the dungeon
as soon as we get there. That will slow us down, impact our work, and if we’re
not careful, could leave us trapped there.” He paused. “You, on the other hand,
can’t be bothered by the sadness, so you will be able to work at full strength
for a long time–indefinitely, even. Plus, you won’t be confined to your cell,
so you’ll be able to talk to the others.”

“Why
won’t I be confined to a cell?” I interrupted, ignoring the question of how I
got into the cell in the first place.

Doug
smiled. “Didn’t you know? The Sennish dungeons don’t have bars or locks. The
prisoners are locked in by the force of their own unhappiness. Happiness is the
only thing that gets them out. You will be able to move freely around the
prison.”

“Okay,
but surely Tallis knows about that? It is his prison, after all. He’s not going
to let me just wander around.”

“No.
There are guards everywhere.” He ran a hand over his bald head. “We really need
a map table, but it will be tricky getting to the map room.” He looked
cautiously out the cubicle opening.

“Why
do we need a map table?” Even though I was mentally reeling from the
implication of his plan, I remained calm and asked rational questions. It
sounded like this rescue equation was shaping up with me
in
prison. Prison
is very unmathematical. Especially if there are no bars or locks.

“There
are no paper copies of the Uppish Senna maps. The grease they emitted
eventually ruined them. We had Aven commit them all to MTM a while back.”

“MTM?”

“Map
table memory.”

“Oh.”
I nodded. “I have a map table.” I opened my desk drawer and pulled out the one
from Aven.

Doug
grabbed it. “Excellent.” He flipped the on switch.

The
table began its rhyming speech.

“Need a map? Need a guide?

Lost, no matter how you’ve tried?

Here, let me show you! Here, let me tell you!

I’ll guide you through the land of the Zulu.”

“Hello,
Map Table.” Doug said politely.

“Hello,
Douglas. Hello, Princess.”

“Hello,”
I answered.

Doug
cleared his throat. “Map Table, we need to bring the Sennish dungeons maps
online, and we’ll need tracking capabilities activated for the Princess.”

“Hmm,”
The table paused, thinking, clearly unaware that tables do not, in fact, think.
“Here are the dungeon maps. Four total: one basic, one showing heat, one
indicating levels of happiness inside each cell, and one three-dimensional one.
You can move between them using my toggle keys.”

“Thank
you.” Doug started looking at the different maps.

“Does
the Princess have any sort of enchanted device on her person?” The table asked.
“That would be the easiest way to track her; we could follow her with the EOL
map.”

“EOL?”
I whispered to Doug.

“Enchanted
Objects Locator. It finds things that have magical properties.”

“Oh.”
I was grateful Calo was gone. He has a very low tolerance for answering
questions that I should already know the answer to. And, sadly, I actually knew
about the EOL from when we had to find my bike.

“Hey,”
Doug turned to me. “You’re wearing your magic shoes, aren’t you?”

“My
dancing shoes?”

“No,
the shoes I enchanted to receive updates from me.”

“Oh,
those.” I blushed. “Yes, I’m wearing them.”

“Great,
we can use them to locate you.”

“Wonderful,”
the Map Table joined in. “Please place the shoe on my screen, so I can get a
reading of its magic.”

“That’s
odd,” I muttered. “When we used the HEA table to find my bike, it didn’t have
to have a reading.” I started taking my shoe off. I continued wondering aloud.
“Can a clearer picture be obtained by taking a ‘reading’ of a magical object?”

“Yes,”
Doug took my shoe and placed it on the map table. “If there’s not a specific
reading or request, the EOL map picks up anything that’s magic. With a specific
request, the EOL will only locate that object. When they looked for your bike,
they likely looked for objects in the area, and then for ones that were out of
place.”

“Oh,”
I nodded, my understanding multiplying. “My bike was in the river, so of
course, there aren’t any magic objects in the water. That would’ve been a big
clue.”

“Well,
except for the wish-giving fish. But they generally prefer saltwater.”

“I
am finished with the shoe,” the table announced.

“Thank
you,” Doug handed the shoe back to me. “Ready to go?”

“Ready
to go where?” I asked, putting my shoe back on.

Doug
looked confused. “To save Calo and Ella.”

“What?
Wait a minute; there are some holes in your equation, Doug. You want me to save
Calo and Ella, but you haven’t told me what equals what. I can solve for one
variable, but not two.”

“Let
me do the math for you.” He grabbed a pencil. “In all the excitement, I forgot
to tell you my plan.”

He
spent the next ten minutes going over the plan with me. It was dangerous,
greasy, and involved a lot of work on my part. It was also the only thing that
would succeed. Most of it was fairly straightforward: find Levi, get him to
take me to the dungeon, get “locked up,” wander around talking to the other
prisoners, getting them happy enough to vanish.

“Okay,
after I get everyone to vanish back, how do
I
get out?”

Doug
hesitated. “Well, the thing is, even though you can get out of your cell
because you’re not unhappy, and you can move around because of your
invisibility marble, you’re still in a fortress full of Tallis’ guards, in the
middle of the wilderness.”

“Right,
so how do I get out?”

Doug
coughed. “The, uh, the best thing would be if you were to become Happily Ever
After and then you’d vanish back.”

I
made sort of a half-laughing noise. “Is there a second best thing?”

Doug
hesitated again. “Let’s just say that if your odds of getting out by the first
best thing are 50%, then the odds of you getting out by the second best thing
are considerably lower.”

“30%?”

“Lower,”
Doug whispered.

“15%?”

Doug
shook his head. “You’d have to fight off the actual dungeon guards, get out of
the fortress, and then make your way through thirty-four miles of dense forest
before reaching Smythian safety.”

“So
more like 2%?”

“I’d
calculate it at .4%.” He forced a smile.

.4%?
I sighed and shoved my hand in my pocket. My fingers felt my marble. I wondered
vaguely if Glenni could improve .4% odds. Maybe I should just wish everyone
out? Hey! That could work.

“Doug,
I’ve got an idea! Glenni’s my fairy godmother. Why don’t I just wish for
everyone to be free?”

Doug
half-smiled. “That won’t work. By law, all vanished people belong to Tallis
unless their happiness level changes.”

“Which
won’t happen, since they are in a dungeon surrounded by things making them
unhappy.”