The City of Lovely Brothers (31 page)

Caleb slid to the ground and leaned back against the side of the house, panting. Then he heard Nick's voice say something about washing up at the pump. He jumped up, climbed over the fence, and ran back to his horse.

Caleb waited a few days before confronting

Caliban. He saw him standing alone down by the barns in Calvin's part of the ranch and told him he wanted to have a few words with him in private.

"I saw you and Nick the other day," he began.

Caliban was sure he knew what he meant by 'saw'.

It had to be something serious from the way he said it. But Caliban answered, as if he suspected nothing, "Why didn't you come over and say hello?"

"You were in bed with him, having sex. I saw it all, from beginning to end. You sat on top of him and bounced up and down with his prick sticking up your ass."

"You were spying on us."

"I didn't come to spy; I came to tell you about Brandon's wedding and wanted to surprise you. I didn't want to see what I seen."

"Are you going to tell the others?"

"I wouldn't do that, not in a million years, but I had to tell you. I wanted you to know I know. You don't gotta keep it a secret from Nick. He may as well know too."

"I don't have any secrets from Nick."

"You had secrets from me, though." "You mean about wanting sex with men. Of course I kept it a secret. How could I tell you something like that?

I know what you must think of me."

"I don't think nothing bad of you. How could I?

You're my brother. Lots o' men do it together when there ain't no women around. Well, not lots, but some.
I
done it."

"Then you had secrets from me, too."

"I'd 'a told you if I dared. Besides, you don't know what I think. You can't read my mind. You'd 'a told me sooner if you could. When I think of all those years we lived together, how we coulda done it—"

"But Caleb, you're my brother!"

"Why would that 'a made a difference? We'd 'a been fooling around, that's all." His face told a different story, however. Caliban could see he wanted him. He shook his head no.

"Maybe we could sometime, just once, to make up for not having done it before," Caleb went on.

Caliban kept shaking his head. "No." He whispered, but his voice was firm.

"You saying no on account o' Nick? He don't gotta know."

"On account of Nick, whether he knew or not. And because we're brothers."

"Please, Caliban, just once. I'll let you fuck me. God, if only I'd 'a known. You don't know how much I wanted you, how I used to lie up at night and beat off thinking about how you were right there in the next room, so close, so beautiful. I waited for years, hoping, wanting you. I hurt so much inside. Then you went away to Laramie, and I thought you weren't never coming back.

You said you would, but I didn't believe it. Then I met Amanda, and I married her. I wanted you to live with us.

Remember? But you said you were gonna ask Nick to live with you. I never thought…"

His voice trailed off. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. Caliban's heart ached for him, but he had no sexual feelings for him, none at all.

"How many were there before Nick?" Caleb asked.

"Nick was my first. I've never had sex with anyone but Nick, and I've never wanted to."

"Then you lied that time I asked if you were getting any." He bit down on his lips to control their trembling and began to blubber, very quietly.

"I'm so sorry, Caleb," he whispered. "Yes, I lied."

"If we did it just once, that'd be enough for me. I mean it. I'd be happy. I wouldn't ask for it again. I promise I wouldn't."

"No, Caleb, it's impossible. I love you, but not that way." "The way you love Nick?"

"Yes, the way I love Nick."

"Did it start after he come live with you, or were you doing it before that?"

"We did it the first time the winter after he came here. We couldn't do it very often. Where would we have done it? When you wrote you were getting married, I was happy for you, and also for me, because now Nick and I would have a place to be together."

"That's why you talked me into marrying Amanda, ain't it?"

"I didn't talk you into it. I said I liked her and thought marrying her was a good idea. You were over thirty-five. I didn't know about you, did I? As you said, I can't read your mind."

"Would you 'a had sex with me if I'd 'a told you?"

"No. I'm sure I would have told you no."

"Would you 'a moved away?"

"Only if you kept after me."

Caleb wiped his nose with his sleeve. His tears had dried up, but he sounded as if he might break down and start sobbing at any moment. "Do you think you could change your mind ever?" he asked. "Like I said, just for once. Let me suck you, and you could fuck me."

"No. I won't say it again, and we won't talk about it 39again. Not ever."

"Will you at least kiss me?"

"Not on the mouth. This is something you just have to accept, Caleb. It breaks my heart to see you suffer like this, but there's nothing we can do about it. Shake hands?"

Caleb held out his hand. It was just a normal

handshake, but Caliban imagined he felt desire in it, and a chill ran up his spine.

"You ain't gonna tell Nick about this, are you?"

Caleb asked.

"I tell Nick everything."

"It's just that I don't want him mad at me."

"Nick won't be mad, and he won't be jealous, either.

He'll feel sorry for you, as I do. You don't have to worry he'll pick a fight with you."

Caliban left Caleb standing behind the barn. He saw him fall to his knees and start bawling. He could not go back to him, though; he was shaking himself. And what would he have said? Caleb could plead with him forever; it would make no difference.

Caliban drove home immediately. Jiggers sensed

something was wrong and followed him into the house.

They had named him Jiggers because it was what most of the people on the ranch had called their two other dogs.

* * * *

When he got home that evening, Nick found

Caliban sitting at the table, brooding, with Jiggers' head in his lap. Caliban said something to greet him, but he did not get up and give him the hug he always did.

"What's wrong, Cal?" Nick asked. "Something's eating at you, eating at you bad. You gonna tell me what it is?" Caliban shook his head. "It ain't like you to hold something back from me."

"Not now, Nick. You go make supper. I don't feel up to it. I'll tell you later, when we're in bed and you'll be there to hold me. I think I may break down and cry when I start talking about it."

"I can hold you now."

"If I told you now, we'd probably skip supper altogether. Later, when we're in bed."

After they got into bed, Caliban told Nick

everything, and as he thought he might, he wept when he told him. "I used to think I had three brothers," he said.

"Then little by little I came to realize I only had one. Now I've lost Caleb, too."

Nick held him tight, but spoke no words of comfort.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Caliban asked.

"I was thinking this ain't the end of it." "Why shouldn't it be, Nick? Are you worried about Caleb? Don't. I can fend him off."

Nick was thinking:
It's over. Word of us is gonna
get around. Cleb drinks too much. We're gonna hafta leave
the ranch.
He kept his thoughts to himself and did not tell Caliban what was on his mind.

Suddenly, Caliban groaned, as if in pain. "What is it, Cal? Is there something else?"

"Something I just remembered." And he told Nick about the day Clay and Jared had come on him while was out walking without his clothes, and Caleb had dared them to pull down their pants.

"I always thought he was trying to come on to you when he decided to teach you all about sex with the two of you in bed together. You were too innocent to catch on."

"Why didn't you say anything if you thought it?"

"'Cause you wouldn't 'a believed it, and we'd 'a had an argument for no reason. It was over and done with, anyways."

"Remember the hanging we saw in Billings?"

"I wouldn't worry about Cleb that way. He ain't the kind that goes after little kids."

"I was only fourteen, Nick! And Clay and Jared were about the same age."

"And what'd he do? Touched you through your 39pajama? And he didn't try nothing with Calhoun's boys except treating his eyes to a little gawk. You scarred for life?'

"I thought nothing of it at the time. Not consciously, that is."

"Same with Clay and Jared. You think it's why you growed up liking men?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Then it don't seem like no hanging matter to me.

You calmer now?"

"Make love to me, Nick. I want to feel your arms holding me; I want to feel your lips kissing my neck; I want to feel your prick inside me. Lie on top of me."

Nick greased his penis and slid into him. He lay very still for a while, pumping blood into his organ, making it swell. Caliban moaned and whispered, "I love you so much it hurts."

Nick thought of asking him if what hurt was his ass, but it was no time to make jokes. He pumped with long, slow, even strokes. A few times he heard Caliban start to cry beneath him. "Are you alright, Cal?" he asked.

"Don't stop. It feels good. I'm just very, very sad. I feel I've lost Caleb forever because I can never feel the same about him."

"Hush, baby." "Fuck me, Nick. Fuck me hard. I need to feel your love."

For the rest of the summer, Caleb and Caliban

avoided each other. Caliban put a brave face on it when he was with people, and they thought him cheerful as ever, but at home he moped and was despondent. Sometimes he would cry himself to sleep, and Nick would caress him and say, "Please, baby. Please don't cry."

For about a month, Caliban clung to his lover when they got into bed and asked him to fuck him. At length Nick said, "Shit, Cal, ain't I got a right to get fucked too once in awhile?" Caliban gave him what he asked for, and he found that, too, made him feel better, so he fucked him a second time, and then a third. A half an hour later, once again his finger was tracing the line of Nick's crack. "I said 'once in awhile'," Nick muttered.

Caliban gradually adjusted and became his old self again. Caleb came to the house twice to show them postcards Brandon had sent while on his honeymoon, but their conversation was strained, and he left after a few minutes. His eyes lingered over them as a couple, and his gaze spoke volumes. He wished he were Nick.

* * * *

At the beginning of September, Calhoun left on

what he promised would be his last cattle drive. The year before was supposed to have been his last, but Charley's death had soured it for everyone, and he didn't want to leave off herding with a bitter taste in his mouth.

The next day, Nick drove into town to take care of some business at the bank where he and Caliban had had a joint account for years. Calvin had protested strongly when he found out that Nick had access to his brother's money, but they explained that every year Caliban was finding it harder to go as far as town, and it was necessary for Nick to be able to handle some of his financial transactions.

Nick recognized some men he vaguely knew when

he left the bank. There were five of them. He nodded to them, and they scowled back. Nick thought nothing of it and crossed the street to make a few purchases at one of the stores. They were still standing there when he came out, as if they were waiting for something. He started toward the car, which he had parked near the corner.

Halfway to the car, he realized the men were

following him. He turned to face them and asked, "You got something you wanna say to me?"

"Yeah," one of them said, "we wanna tell you that guys like you ain't welcome in this town, and if you know 39what's good for you, you'll keep far away from here."

"Drop dead," Nick said, and headed back toward the car.

The five men ran to catch up with him. One of them grabbed him by the arm, making him drop the bag of items he had bought at the store. Another of the men snarled,

"You stupid or something, faggot? Didn't you get the message?" and punched him in the face.

Nick swung back at him, but he could not stand

against five men. In a flash, two of them had jumped him from behind and held him in place, one of them bending his arm up behind his back, while the three others punched him in the stomach and on the face over and over. People in the street saw them beating on him, but nobody said a word, much less came to his defense.

Nick managed to tear himself free from the men's grip and threw himself to the ground. He curled into a ball, his arms protecting his head. Then they started spitting on him and kicking him in the head, back, butt, arms and legs.

Someone landed a kick close to his crotch, and Nick moved one hand from his head to between his legs to protect his nuts.

They could have killed him, but they got bored after about ten minutes of whaling on him. "Next time we see ya here we're gonna kill ya," they warned. "And tell that 40cripple fancy boy of yours he'll get the same. Don't matter none to us that he's a Caldwell. We'll let his brothers know what he is, and they'll help us out. Now git. And don't come back!"

They stood in a circle around him to make sure he would go. Nick raised himself to his knees, tried to stand, and vomited in the street. The men laughed at him, then turned around and walked away.

Nick lay still for a while. He waited until he was sure they had left. He ran his tongue over his teeth to make sure they were all there and felt his ribs to see if they were cracked and his cheek to see if it was busted. His clothing was torn and his bruises were painful, but he seemed to have come out of it in one piece; just very banged up. His face was cut and bleeding profusely. Then, limping as badly as Caliban, he gathered up his scattered purchases, put them in the car, dusted himself off, and drove home.

Caliban was shocked when he saw him.